I hate Valentine’s week. Fucking hate it. So many girls get flowers and bears and some group on campus delivers candy to whoever’s significant other paid two dollars to have candy sent to them in class. I thought about doing that with Kellin but he and I weren’t on the best of terms.

After New Year’s Kellin had kinda been blowing me off. We weren’t exactly fighting; you kinda need to talk to be able to fight. I tried to talk to him about it for weeks but it was hard. Even though we take the same classes and live together, somehow he found a way to avoid me at every turn. He’d pretty much moved out of the apartment and into Kaylee’s place.

I cursed under my breath as I played a wrong lick on my guitar. The boys stopped and looked at me.

“You okay guy?” Jaime asked. I frowned.

“Yeah. Let’s just take five.” I sighed as I carried my guitar to the couch and sat down. Tony followed suit.

“What’s up Vic?”

“Nothing, I’m just stressed. Valentine’s a bitch.”

“I hear that,” Mike said. “Kay’s expecting shit.”

“At least you have someone.”

“Hey Jaime, cheer up. One day someone will find you attractive.” Jaime punched Mike in the arm and laughed.

“So do you know what you and Kellin are doing Tuesday?” I shook my head at Tony.

“Not a clue. I don’t even know if we’re dating anymore.”

“He hasn’t said anything to you has he?”

“No Jaime, not a thing. He’s not even really living with us anymore if you haven’t noticed.”

“I’ve noticed,” he answered delicately. I sighed again.

“I just wanna talk to him. I wanna know what he’s thinking.”

“Shit, I can tell you that.” I looked at my brother.

“Tell me then.”

“Well to put it simply, from what Kay’s told me, he thinks you’re leading him on.” I made a face

“But I’m not.”

“You kinda are,” Tony butted in. “You remember what you said on New Year’s?” I nodded slowly.

“Well he took that to heart,” Mike said. “You actually said that you hope you fall in love someday, like you and Kellin didn’t have anything special going on.”

“I didn’t mean it though.”

“Well you made out like you did. Then you don’t talk about it for the longest time. What the fuck are you doing to that boy?”

“Shit Jaime, I don’t know.” I buried my head in my hands. “How do I make this right?” No response. I looked back up to see the three of them looking at each other with blank faces. “Why do I even ask you guys these questions?”

“Beats me. Can we get back to practicing now?” I nodded and picked my guitar back up.

***

“Ugh, when the fuck is March getting here?”

“When March gets here.” Mike shot me a look as we drove to Kaylee’s apartment. It was Saturday and Mike wanted to ask Kay on an official date for Tuesday. Kellin was at her place so I offered to drive. Maybe I would get the chance to talk to him and work all this out. Since the conversation I had with the boys yesterday I thought it would be right.

I pulled into a spot and shut off the car, not really wanting to leave and face him. Mike must’ve noticed my uneasy attitude because he put a hand on my shoulder.

“Bro you’re gonna be okay. I’m sure Kellin misses you as much as you miss him.” I nodded and took a deep breath.

“Let’s go ask our girls out.” He laughed and together we got out of the car and climbed the stairs to Kay’s door.

“You gonna be okay?” I nodded and Mike smiled before he knocked. The door flew open and there stood Kellin in black sweats and a fitting white T-shirt. God he looked hot. If he wasn’t mad at me I’d take him back to the car and-

“Kellin let them in and close the door!”

“Sorry Kay.” He turned back to us. “Come on in.” We walked inside, happy to be out of the cold.

I looked around the living room and wished I hadn’t. Kell’s things were packed neatly in the corner. He had some clothes on top of suitcases and a blanket on the couch. My heart broke. Even though he still had a lot of stuff back at the dorm it was clear that this was where he’s rather be. I needed to fix that.

“What’s up thing one, thing two?” Kaylee asked before she kissed Mike.

“We wanted to ask you two something.”

“Shoot.” Mike ushered Kaylee to a seat and held her hand.

“As you know, Valentine’s Day is on Tuesday and I know it’s a school night and all but, would you, Kaylee Ramirez, like to go to dinner with me?” Kay blushed like an idiot but said yes to my brother’s stupid proposal.

I turned to Kellin as they kissed to see him fiddling with the drawstring of his sweats. He wouldn’t look at me.

“Did you come here to ask me out too?” he asked, not taking his eyes off the ground.

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Yeah I did actually.” He looked up at me with his beautiful, sad eyes. “I know you don’t really want anything to do with me and that’s fine, but I’d like to spend Valentine’s Day with you. Give me a chance to explain things.”

He looked into my eyes and I swear, if he weren’t so distant I would’ve kissed him like there was no tomorrow.

“Sure Vic,” he said, “I’ll go with you.” I offered a small smile and tried to close the space between us. “But,” he said as he put his hand up, “don’t waste my time.” I nodded.

“I promise Kell, I won’t.” He nodded back, looked at me some more, then went to the back of the apartment without another word. Kay and Mike gave me sympathetic looks but I just shrugged. I was gonna be okay.

I had a date with my boyfriend.

***

Kellin told me he didn’t want me to pick him up. I was pretty sure that it was because he needed to get away if things got ugly. Can’t say I blamed him.

I sat in a little waiting area inside the Italian restaurant I told Kellin to meet at. There was a patio outside you could wait on if your table wasn’t ready but it was February in Texas, too cold for that shit. I pulled out my phone to answer some messages as I waited. Jaime and Tony were asking how it was going, if I had explained things, if Kellin had stood me up. I looked at the group chat sourly. Had Kellin stood me up? I told him to meet me at 7 and he was already twenty minutes late. I thought about texting Justin or Nick to see if he was with them when I heard someone clear their throat. I looked up to see him standing in front of me in a white shirt and skinny black tie. He offered me a small smile before sitting next to me.

“How are you doing?” I asked him. He shrugged.

“I’m alright I guess. You?”

“Pretty good. I’m glad you came,” I said with a smile. He smiled back.

“You asked so why wouldn’t I?”

“Good point.” We sat in an awkward silence until the hostess said our table was ready. We followed her to a dimly lit area near the back. We both took our seats as she placed menus in front of us and walked away.

“Do you know what you’re gonna get?” I asked to break the tension. He looked up from his menu.

“Not yet.”

“Well you can get whatever; it’s my treat.” He nodded and went back to looking over the choices.

I was in agony. Kellin wasn’t talking to me and it seemed like I couldn’t get a conversation started even if someone put a gun to my head.

A waitress brought over some breadsticks and a salad before asking if we wanted appetizers. We told her no and ordered our entrees. We sat in another uncomfortable silence, looking at absolutely anything but each other.

I was sick of this. I missed my best friend. I needed to talk to him. I cleared my throat which caused him to look at me with those perfect eyes.

“We should talk about us.” He nodded slowly, waiting for me to continue. How was I supposed to start though? I hadn’t thought that far ahead.

“Are you gonna talk?” I chewed on my bottom lip, not knowing what to say. “Fine, then I’ll talk.” I looked into his eyes again.

“Vic, I don’t know what our relationship is anymore.” My heart twisted inside of me. “I know I have strong feelings for you. I mean, really strong, and I know you know about them too.” I nodded. I’d be stupid not to know. “Okay, so we both know how I feel about you. My question is what the fuck? What are you feeling?”

I thought it over. What was I feeling? I knew I missed Kellin to death. I knew that being away from him for all these weeks was the worst feeling in the world. I knew that I just wanted to hold him and kiss him and try to get past this. I knew that I was a wreck without him. I also knew that I was taking too long to answer. Kellin chuckled maniacally.

“I knew it,” he said with an scary smirk on his face. “I knew you didn’t know.”

“Kellin that’s not-”

“No Vic, see you can try to explain it but I don’t need to hear it. You know how I feel about you and yet you’re not even sure if you have any feelings for me. What the hell was this, just an experiment? What, because people experiment in college you thought you’d try it?” His eyes were clouded over with rage and he was yelling.

“Fuck you Vic! Fuck you for wasting my fucking time! I trusted you with everything in me and you screwed me over for a fun time. Well guess what, I’m not some plaything that you can go to whenever you’re feeling sad or scared or whatever. I’m a person with feelings. I have a big heart, I know, and I know I care too much but I cared about you and you used me!”

“Kellin I didn’t use you!” I yelled back. People were staring at us at this point but I didn’t care.

“Yes you did Vic! How could you spend so much time with me, ask me to be your boyfriend, confide in me, and then tell me that you hope to fall in love some day? Knowing how I feel? What, did you think I wouldn’t notice? Did you think I’d be so clouded by the fact that you’re my boyfriend that I wouldn’t care? No! Fuck you, you short Mexican fuck! You’re not worth my fucking time. This relationship was a mistake. Loving you was a mistake. A big fat fucking mistake.”

I sat there at a loss for words. Kellin was panting from the anger he’d just let out. Neither one of us said another word. Then, Kellin huffed and stood up.

“Lose my number, you little shit.” And with that he walked out of the restaurant.

Notes