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The Diary (Sequal To The Pact)

The Sky Under The Sea

“Luna, do you have something to eat?”
“Oh my god! I have never seen this much CD’s before!”
“What’s this, Luna?”
I knew that inviting Jaime, Tony and Mike to my home would be an awful idea. I couldn’t predict it would be this bad, though. I think I had forgotten over the years how annoying they could be sometimes.
But even though I wasn’t sure of it, Vic insisted of inviting the boys and Danny over at my place so we could let them hear our progress on the songs. Of course they had started running through my apartment from the moment I had let them in. I swear those guys were just like over excited puppies sometimes.
“Do you still have that picture from the day we went to Warped?” Mike asked.
“God, I hope she had thrown that one away. I look like a tomato on that picture, all sweaty and shit.” Jaime said.
“Yeah, that’s why I’m searching for it.”
“Guys, my dad has all the old pictures of me. Can we please get to work?” I asked, but I wasn’t being heard. Tony was currently scanning over my CD and Vinyl collection, Jaime was opening all the cupboards in the kitchen to find something to eat and Mike was just walking around my living room looking around.
To make matters worse, Danny was sitting in my leather chair, laughing at them being annoying and me being grumpy about it. Of course he was encouraging their behavior, it was his way of teasing me.
“Oh luckily your dad has got the pictures. I don’t trust your mom with my tomato picture.” Jaime said and jumped on the couch with a bag of chips in his hand.
I looked at no one in particular when I said: “Well, I don’t think she could’ve done anything with your picture, Jaime. She passed away in 2011, so yeah.”
It was like a bomb dropped in my whole apartment. All of them were looking at me with open mouths. Jaime lowered the chip he was about to eat, Tony carefully put back an old CD of Sleeping with Sirens, Mike stopped walking at once and in the corner of my eye, I saw Vic awkwardly move in his chair.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.” Tony said with his usual thoughtful voice. But I could still hear a little uncertainty in his voice. Which was rare, because Tony was always surprisingly calm talking about this kind of stuff. I guess he just wasn’t really sure how to react to this. I couldn’t blame him, my mom was horrible, but she was still my mom.
I shrugged. “It’s okay. It’s not really a big deal to me.” I said. “In fact, I don’t even know why I brought it up. But can we just get back to work now?”
All of the guys looked a bit uncertain, except for Danny. He had tried to make me talk about my mom’s death a lot of times, but the thing was, there was not really something to talk about. I honestly didn’t give a shit. So Danny was the only one not surprised with my reaction.
I looked at Vic beside me and he shot me a concerned look. “Are you really okay?” he asked softly, so all the other people in the room couldn’t hear him.
I raised an eyebrow. “Yeah of course. Why would I give a shit about a woman that has mentally and physically abused me for years?” I asked.
His face didn’t lose the concerned look, though. “Because it was also Allison’s mother and she does give a shit.” He said and my face dropped.
I knew that I had promised him to be friends again, but that was mostly for him, because he needed to. My mind was still screaming at me to not let him creep in my life and heart again.
In the meantime, the other boys had moved on to their routine again.
“So guys, how about you let us hear those songs so we can help finish them.” Mike said like I hadn’t been proposing that the last hour. He fell down on the couch next to Jaime and stole a chip from his bag.
“Finally!” I screamed out dramatically and I heard Vic chuckle beside me. I saw him take up my acoustic guitar and strum the first chords to one of the songs we had been working on. He had said a week ago that he had written this song a few years ago and that it was supposed to be on Misadventures, but that he couldn’t figure out a nice melody to go with it. We did some research and tried out endless things until we eventually settled on an idea. In the end all Vic needed was a little push in the right direction, I did nothing but encourage him.
We did the same with other songs and we also let those listen to the other guys. They were extremely enthusiastic and gave some good ideas to make the songs even better. These little ideas were the things that made these songs ‘their’ songs. I loved this phase of making a song, because the songs would get an own identity.
Danny remained suspiciously silent during the whole thing, though. I think it was because he wanted to give me the chance to do something by myself for once. I was always either in his or someone else’s shadow and now it was my time to shine.
Another reason could be that he probably thought I wouldn’t fire him anyway and he was just too lazy to do anything. To be honest, both motives sounded like Danny.
But eventually I needed to discuss some things with Danny about the recording of one song in particular. The guys had the idea of recording this song outside, so the sounds of San Diego could be heard in the background. They told me that they had recorded at weird places before and that it gave a different sound to songs.
I was all in for this idea, believe me. But there was a lot to arrange for this. It meant that they had to record everything at once (except for the backing vocals), while I mostly let every musician record separately. The second problem was that we had to find a place where we wouldn’t be bothered by people watching and interrupting and where we could still hear city sounds. It meant that we had to get a shit ton of equipment to that place, which costed a lot of money. Yeah, technically their management payed for the costs of the album, but I don’t think they would be very happy if I used a lot more money than planned, so it was still something we had to worry about. And then we had to record the song a lot of times, because if something was wrong, we couldn’t go back to record it again.
Those things were all minor details, but I did needed to talk it through with Danny. The concentration of the other guys had slowly drifted away from the boring producer talk and they were now all going through my photo albums. I just let them, ain’t nothing I could do about it anyway.
“Hey Luna, can I put on some music on your speaker?” Mike eventually asked and pointed to the speaker.
“Yeah, of course. My phone is still in it so you just have to go to Spotify. My password is 0823.” I said, my concentration still on the conversation I was currently having with Danny. “Oh and if you go through my text messages, I will cut your heart out with a spoon.” I added.
I heard Tony and Vic laugh and I saw Mike stand up and walk over to the speaker with his hands up in defense. “Like I would ever do such a thing!” he said, fake offended.
I just rolled my eyes and went on with my discussion with Danny about moving the equipment. He said that we should make his uncle help move all the stuff we needed, he owned a moving company. I disagreed because I knew that his uncle charged a lot of money for it and I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to give us discount, given the fact that he hated Danny. It was something about Danny putting his hand in a bucket of water when he was asleep ten years ago. Apparently putting their hand in water when they were asleep made people urinate.
After a few seconds, I heard a song I hadn’t ever heard before in the background of our discussion. I wasn’t really paying attention to it much, but eventually I noticed that I recognized the following songs a lot more. After a while I was pretty sure the guys were going through my list. Mostly because I heard them say things like: “Oh my god, I know that song!” or “Wow, I didn’t expect this one.”
I stood up from the chair I was sitting on after a while. “I’m just going to grab my laptop so we can get this shit researched.” I said mumbling and Danny nodded.
“Don’t get lost in there. We still need you.” He said, dramatically and I chuckled. No matter how hard we were working, Danny seemed to make fun of every situation.
“I’m pretty sure you don’t. I think you’ll be good in a room with four other men.” I said. I mentioned with my head to the group of men that were caught up in their own conversation and winked at Danny.
He just rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. “Four STRAIGHT men, yeah.” He said.
“How do you know? Have you asked them?” I asked teasing.
Danny just played along and shot me a promising face. “Good idea. I definitely will…Once they break up with their super model girlfriends.” He said sarcastic.
I laughed and walked in the direction of my bedroom. I didn’t come far though. I was only halfway the hall when I heard Mike yell from the living room. “Holy Fuck! This one is in her list.”
The sad guitar tunes of a song I practically always skipped was heard through the house. I immediately stopped walking and stared across from me in shock. It was ‘Here Without You’ by 3 Doors Down. If I had remembered that one was in my list, I would have never let them on my Spotify.
I slowly turned around to see the shocked expressions of the guys. Danny hadn’t realized what was going on just yet, because he was scrolling through his phone like nothing had happened. Not that he could be shocked, the only people that knew the story behind this song, were the guys of Pierce The Veil and Casey.
I couldn’t help but look at Vic’s face, like I was pulled to it with magnetic power. I saw a mixture of emotions go over his face. Shock. Sadness. Confusion. They had all seemed to find a place on his face.
I just kept standing in the door opening, not knowing how I should feel about all of this. I guess I was ‘embarrassed’ that they had found out I still listened to this song, but I don’t think it was quite the right word to describe how I felt about it.
“So, judging from your face, you did receive the email I sent you.” Vic said, without looking at me. I could see that this song had ripped open an old wound on him.
“Yeah…” I just mumbled. I knew I should’ve said something more, but my mind was empty. Everything I would say would only sound stupid anyway. “I received it.” My voice was small and hoarse.
A silence followed in which the singer of the song started ripping at my old wound too. There was a reason I didn’t listen to this song much: It hurt too much. There was also a reason why I still kept it after all these years: I couldn’t bear to delete it and never hear it again.
Danny now noticed that something was going on and moved his head up from his phone and looked around the room in confusion. “What the fuck is going on here?” he said, looking over our faces. We kinda looked like someone had died I guess.
Jaime was the first one to speak up. “Uhm this song…Vic sent it to Luna over email a hundred days after they had broken up.” He said a little hesitant. He was probably afraid that he shouldn’t be telling this to Danny. “Vic always assumed that she never received the email. It was his last attempt to fix things.”
I wondered if I should just go on with what I was doing. Acting like this had never happened. Danny had other plans, though. “But that’s actually super romantic! I would’ve taken him back immediately.” He said with a smile. I was sure he said it to help me, because he knew how I currently felt about Vic and how I used to feel about the break up, but it just made me feel worse about all of this.
“Why didn’t you?” Vic asked, his head shooting up to look at me. His eyes were full of sadness. Like the breakup had happened only yesterday. It definitely felt like that.
“Because I didn’t want to.” I lied to him. I didn’t think I really sold my lie well, though. The dramatic sound of the song made it all even worse.
“I tried everything. I tried calling you, texting you. I tried calling your school and Casey...Do you mean to tell me that there was no moment in which you missed me? In which you missed all of us?” Vic asked and in his voice I heard anger.
“Vic…” Mike said softly, trying to fix the situation. I was glad he did, because I wouldn’t have been able to lie to that question.
“Don’t you want to know why she left? Because that question has tortured me for years.” Vic said to Mike, who remained silent.
That was when the last chords of the song faded out and Mike quickly clicked off the next one. There was a silence around the room that was even more painful than when the song was still on.
I looked over at Vic who was staring across from him. I couldn’t believe I had actually hurt him this much. I wanted to take that pain away, at least for now. “If it makes you feel better, I had never been so close to going back to San Diego and fix things than back then when I got the email.” I said.
Vic’s head shot up again and he still looked kind of angry. “So, why didn’t you? Why did you leave in the first place? Cause I didn’t get it. I just kept wondering what I did wrong.” He said and by the looks he was still thinking he did something wrong.
“Vic it wasn’t you…” I started, trying to sooth him.
“Well, what was it then?”
“It doesn’t matter.” I tried.
“It fucking does to me!” he shouted and his face dropped when he saw my shocked expression to his loud words. “Please Luna, just tell me. Don’t you think, that after thirteen years, I actually have the right to know? We’ve both moved on and I want this friendship to work, but I was broken when you left me and I just want to know the reason.” He said.
Maybe he did have the right. I could totally imagine that he would be upset about it after all these years. Not because he still had feelings for me, but because someone had betrayed him and he needed to know why.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Without realizing I spilled it. “I did it for you.” I said softly.
“What?” Vic asked. He sounded surprised that I was actually opening up. I bet he was about to dramatically leave the room.
“I did it because you were throwing away your career for me and I didn’t want that…” I started, but he interrupted me.
“That’s bullshit, Luna! We had actually talked that through! We had fixed that!” he said and he stood up and walked towards me.
I felt the frustration grow. Why couldn’t he just understand? “Now, we hadn’t! You did it because you loved me, I get it. But you cancelled a whole freaking tour for my birthday! You told me that you weren’t going to do it again, but I was sure that you would!” I shouted and I saw that this hit him. I continued a little calmer “I didn’t want you to not have the career you wanted because of me. It would’ve been selfish to keep you for myself, because then, all these kids that find comfort in your songs would have no one. I needed you to share your gift, your kindness and your story with the world. I broke up with you, because I loved you.”
All the sadness and anger had drained out of his face, leaving only the shock on it. I looked to my shoes. “I dragged you guys along with it too, because I knew in the end you would do the same as Vic.” I said towards Mike, Tony and Jaime. They all looked equally shocked.
“Why didn’t you just tell me this?” Vic asked softly.
“What would you have done if I did?” I asked him and I looked up again. I wanted to prove my point with this.
“I would’ve tried to make you stay. I would’ve tried to convince you that we would find a way to make it work.” He said. Oh god, he actually was the perfect boyfriend back then. For a moment I wondered why I ever let him go.
“Exactly. And you would’ve succeeded in that. That’s why I didn’t want it. I thought that if I’d be horrible to you, that you would accept it somehow, thinking that I was just a bitch. Yeah it would break your heart, but it would mean that you would let me go eventually.” I said, feeling tears in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I didn’t want him to know that this still upset me. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you in the months after. That doesn’t mean that breaking up with you, with all of you like this wasn’t the most horrible fucking thing in my life. I didn’t want to hurt you, I just knew it was the best decision. I was a mess my first months in Los Angeles. I had a constant urge to run back to you guys and make things up, but I couldn’t.
‘And then I got the email…and I heard the song…the lyrics felt like a letter you had sent me and the music felt like knifes in my heart. I had a major panic attack that day…Casey and Danny found me lying on the floor a few minutes later.” I said, chills going over my spine thinking about that day.
“That was why you were crying?!” Danny asked shocked. “You never told me.”
I nodded to him. Danny had asked me what had happened so many times that day, but I just couldn’t tell him. It had hurt too much.
I looked back at Vic. A slight smile was forming on his face. “Thank you…for telling me. I know that couldn’t have been easy.” He said.
“It’s alright. You were right, you had the right to know after all this time.” I said like it was no big deal, desperately trying to glue the pieces of my dignity together.
Suddenly two arms were being wrapped around me and dragged me into a hug. I didn’t really know what to do and froze at first. But eventually I eased into it and wrapped my shaking arms around Vic’s waist, trying to find the comfort I needed.


I closed the front door and let the silence return to my apartment. I stood still in the hall for a minute, thinking about what happened in the last half hour.
I had completely let out my emotions, something that was rare for me. I tried so hard to keep myself together while telling him what had happened, but it was impossible. It was kind of like we had travelled back in time and we had just broken up. That was how much the thought of that day hurt.
And now all what was resting me, was getting back to the present time. In reality this day was ages ago and I needed to realize that. But for now the impact of the event was still remaining in my body and thought.
I felt my pocket vibrate and took my phone out of it. I read a message from Danny on the lock screen.

Danny: You and lover boy had quite an intense moment there. Are you okay?
Was I okay? I had no idea to be honest. All I knew was that I shouldn’t care about all of this if I did.

Luna: Yeah, I’m alright, Danny.

He immediately read the message and I saw that he was typing back. I waited until he eventually messaged something back.

Danny: That couldn’t have been easy…Given the fact that you still have feelings for him…

I bit my lip. No it wasn’t easy at all. I wanted to cry the entire time. I wanted to yell that I still loved him and that I wanted nothing more than to fix what I did wrong all these years ago. Even though I still think it was the right decision. If I hadn’t broken up with him, there would’ve been no Pierce The Veil.
Maybe we would’ve been married by now. We would have kids and a house for ourselves. Vic would’ve probably finished college and be a graphic designer. But would the happiness of two people really be worth more than all the lives he had touched with his music?
I was pretty sure I would’ve been happy with him my entire life, but that does that go for him too? The thing is, I was unable to fall in love except if it came to him, but he isn’t. He is happy with Danielle now, very happy. Every time he talked about her, his face lit up.
I guess the only one who isn’t happy is me, which only meant that my plan had worked out. Because of my decision to break up with the guys, a lot of other amazing things happened to them. And they’re happy now.
I quickly wrote something back to Danny.

Luna: All I want to do is go to bed now. Good night xx
Danny: We’re not done talking about this yet. Good night xx

I turned my phone off before he could sent anything else and took a deep breath. I noticed I was still standing in the hall and started walking into the living room. I saw a pile of letters on the salon table and figured that I really had to open them before I went to bed.
I picked them up and opened the first one. Great. A warning that I have pay my bills. The stupid thing is that I actually had paid it this time, which meant I actually had to call the bank again.
I sighed and threw the pile back on the table. I needed to go to sleep. All I wanted was for this day to end.


heyyyyy guys!!!

Okay, I'm back! YAY. thank god I'm home. I love holiday, but I was missing the cold weather and being able to write and play the guitar.

So I hope I didn't dissappoint any one that has been waiting for me to update again (if you're even still here) So yeah. there is hint for a future event going on this chapter...which conects with the title of the story...I know that nobody knows why this story is called 'The Diary', but I promise it will all make sense in a few chapters. ( 20 chapters, give or take (I'm sorry))



ps. this song is my favourite song of Selfish Machines. It's pretty much perfect.


@Jesse Provau
Aawww that's so sweet! It means a lot that you like it!

I have a lot of work to do at college lately, but I promise as soon as All that is over I will comtinue writing this! I haven't forgotten this story!

I will definitely follow you on ig btw! You seem like a very sweet person!

For starters : this is a wonderful story. i spent the past few days beige reading this a work (thank god for slow days at an office job). secondly, you have great writing skills, i hope you continue to explore those further. lastly, please update soon; IM HOOKED

- Jesse a 22 year old HUGE PTV fan and new fan of YOU(:

follow my IG @_provau

Jesse Provau Jesse Provau


Omg! I'm so sorry! But I'm happy you thought it was worth it :)

I waited so long for an update and it was worth it

freedom_writer freedom_writer