Nick (work): Wow, you’re were gone fast today. Were you in a rush?
Maya: Hahaha yeah, something like that. I was in a rush to not see James’ face for the rest of the day.
Nick (work): Good reason. Me and some other tech guys are going to visits some pubs tonight. Wanna come too?
Maya: That sounds tempting, but I really don’t feel good. I’m sorry.

Maya’s POV
I turned the rectangular package around between my fingers. Staring at it without actually taking in its appearance. I thought about all the things that could happen when I would open this package, some scenario being worse than others. This could easily change my entire future.
No, you know what? This is stupid! Why did I even buy this? I was just freaking myself out with this!
I shook myself out of my daze and walked over to the trashcan in the corner of my bedroom and tossed the package in it. The picture of a baby was still smiling at me from the cardboard material. I tore my eyes away from it and sat down at the bed, burying my head in my hands. I couldn’t be pregnant, right? I wasn’t sick or more emotional than normal. The last time I had sex was weeks ago and we even used protection. There was no logical explanation of why I would have to take that test.
But today at work… A colleague of mine was talking about this work party three months ago. She was going on and on about the fact that she was completely wasted and almost tried to kiss James at that party. I laughed along at first, remembering all the crazy shit that had happened that night, but then it hit me. I remembered that it was the first day of my period the day of that party. I remember having cramps the entire time and trying to casually check my butt out to see if it had stains on it. I actually had a horrible time that night.
But that was not the thing that shocked me. It was the fact that I couldn’t remember having a period ever since. The creepy thing about it all was that Naira had arrived in San Diego only a week later. A week after that, I had slept with Jaime...Right in my fertile window.
It creeped me the fuck out, so as soon as work was done, I raced out of the building even faster than I normally did. I drove like a maniac through the roads until I reached an pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test. Now I saw that it was mainly out of panic. I couldn’t be pregnant, right?
I never really kept track of my period like other girls. Everyone I knew had an app for that or kept track in their diaries. But I had the most normal cycle ever and I never really needed to. That’s what makes it even weirder. I was two months late...
What if there was a hole in the condom and we didn’t notice? What if it had slipped off or something?
It all sounded very unlikely, but the theories still wouldn’t leave my mind. Maybe I should just take it, especially because I knew I wasn’t pregnant. At least I would be sure; at least I wouldn’t be freaking out about it until my next period.
I sighed and stood up again, heading towards the trashcan. I felt my hands shake a little when I tried to pick up the cardboard box from the bottom of the trashcan. But that was nothing special to me, my hands had been starting to shake more and more since a few months.
As soon as I had the package in my hands, I walked out of the room and headed for the bathroom while reading the instruction on the back of the box. I was all caught up in the instructions, when I suddenly bumped up to Naira and I jumped. The package flew out of my hands and fell on the ground.
I tried to kick it behind me before she would see it. “Naira!” I said, trying very hard to cover up my fear. “I thought you had work today.”
Naira had a hand on her chest and was breathing heavily. I guess she didn’t see me coming either. “Maya, you scared the crap out of me.” she said, laughing. “Yeah, but there’s this really weird wave of the flu going around lately, half of my class stayed at home today. The principal sent me home to ‘get better’ as soon as I let out one cough. I’m pretty sure I’m not sick, though.”
I couldn’t really concentrate on what she was saying, since the pregnancy test was still in view and I just wanted to take it away before she saw it. But I knew I couldn’t do that without her seeing it, so yeah… “Well, if Vic catches the flu, I definitely know who he got it from.” I said, wiggling my eyebrows.
Naira rolled her eyes. “What were you up to?” she asked, smiling at me.
So, what excuse should I use? “I was just going to take a bath. I have worked from six am until two pm, so I had to get up early today. Haven’t had time to shower yet.” I said, I noticed that my response was a little bit too late. I really didn’t hope she noticed it.
It didn’t seem she did, though. “Oh, okay.” she said and then her eyes wandered to my feet. My heart started beating really fast. “Oh, you dropped something, Maya.” she said as she kneeled down to grab it.
My first instinct was to stand on it, but I was too late. Naira’s hands had already taken hold of the white package. She slowly stood up, scanning her grey eyes over the test. I bit my lips as they grew bigger the longer she looked at the pictures and words on the box. I was so busted. I had never been busted. I was not used to this at all.
Her eyes met mine again and then went back to the test in her hands. It seemed like she wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the right words. “Maya...This is a pregnancy test…” she eventually said.
“You’re not going to believe me when I say that it’s for a friend, right?” I tried and she looked up at me again.
“You think you’re pregnant?!” she hissed, completely ignoring my weak attempt at a joke.
I sighed and closed my eyes. “I’m two months late…” I said.
Naira’s eyes grew even bigger. “Holy fuck. Whose is it?” she asked a bit uncertain.
I looked at her, hoping she would read the answer out of my eyes. I didn’t want to say his name. That would make it all so real.
Naira’s face grew from shocked to sympathetic. “Jaime...I didn’t even know you slept with him.” she said, looking down at the test to avoid eye contact with me.
I softly nodded, looking away too. “It was why all of this happened in the first place. He was so into you and then I kissed him on the couch one day. We started making out and one thing let to another. The next morning he asked me out.” I said, thinking back at that day. It seemed like it was years ago.
“I turned him down, so he asked you and then I said that I changed my mind and then he dated us both.” she said, summarizing what had happened.
“Yeah…” I nodded. It still stung a little for me. I hadn’t seen him for a week and I missed him already. It scared me so much that I wanted to crawl back to him, even after everything he had done to me and my best friend.
“Well, let’s take this test then. To get it over with.” she said, her head shooting up to look at me again.
I raised an eyebrow. “You’re going to come with me?” I asked surprised. I didn’t even know if I wanted to. What if I had a breakdown and she was there to witness it?
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t tell me you're embarrassed to pee in front of me. Besides, this is kind of what best friends do.” she said.
I couldn’t contain a short chuckle. “Taking pregnancy tests together?” I asked giggling.
Naira chuckled too. “If necessary, yes.” she said.
The smile slowly faded from my face again. “I don’t know, Naira. I’m probably not even pregnant. We used a condom. It’s no big deal. So there’s no real need to be there for me.” I said.
But Naira ignored it and took my hand, leading me to the bathroom. I followed, a bit surprised by her sudden action. We stepped into the bathroom and Naira pointed to the toilet. “Pee. Now.” she said. I chuckled. Okay, maybe it was good that Naira was here, I would at least have a little fun while she was here.
I pulled down my jeans and sat down on the toilet. Naira opened the package and took out two sticks. She opened the piece of paper inside the box, on which the more detailed instructions were printed. She read them out loud and that was how we found out that sometimes these test weren’t completely accurate. So that’s why it was adviced to take two.
Naira read that I was supposed to pee on the stick and then wait until something appeared on the little screen. One stripe meant not pregnant, two stripes meant pregnant.
I already felt the nerves flooding through my veins. I suddenly didn’t really wanted to know anymore. But there was no way I could go back.
Somehow I managed to pee on the stick, it actually seemed way harder than it actually was. I laid it down on the sink and now all there was left to do was wait. I decided to already pee on the second one while waiting for the first. I had to take that one too.
While me and Naira stood next to each other, just staring at the sticks, waiting for the screens to change, I thought of that one possibility. That tiny, tiny possibility that two stripes would appear on those little screens. What would I do?
Like every woman in western society I had three choices. One was abortion. For some reason that just didn’t seem right. I wasn’t raped and I wasn’t sixteen years old anymore, so I just didn’t want to kill it.
Option two was adoption. It honestly seemed like the best option. It would get a caring mommy and daddy instead of some fucked up single girl with a shitty job. I wasn’t ready for a kid and I knew that. Maybe I would be in the future, but definitely not now.
Option three was keeping it. Even though I was old enough for a kid and my house was okay, it just didn’t seem like the right option. It wouldn’t have a father, since I hated its father currently. But still...would I forgive Jaime if a baby was in the mix? He would probably be an awesome dad…
I was shaken out of my thoughts by the alarm on Naira’s phone going off. The three minutes had passed. The stripes and/or stripe could appear any moment now.
I clenched my eyes shut and my heart was starting to beat out of my chest. “Maya…” I heard Naira say and she took her hand in mine. I couldn’t think straight, so I wasn’t able to make out the emotion in her voice.
“Just tell me. I don’t want to look.” I said with my eyes still closed.
“You’re not pregnant.” she said. I opened my eyes and saw that both of the tests showed a singular stripe. I let out a breath, it felt like I had held it in for ages.
“Thank god!” I screamed out and Naira flinched a little at my loud voice. “Can you imagine me as a mother? I would do awful! C’mon we’re going to open a bottle of wine!” I said, pulling Naira along.
I pulled her all the way to the kitchen and then let her go to open the cabinet and take a bottle of red wine from it. “Don’t you think it is a bit strange that you haven’t had your period in two months, but you aren’t pregnant?” Naira asked, leaning against the countertop.
I poured in a glass for me and for Naira. “Who the fuck cares? At least I’m not pregnant. I bet I’ll get my period in the next few days.” I said as I handed a glass to Naira.
She looked at me with a disbelieving look. “You know just as well as I do that skipping your period, is never a good sign. It’s way of your body to either say ‘hello there, you’re pregnant’ or ‘there’s something wrong with you’.” she said, putting her glass down again.
I knew she was right, but I didn’t really want to think about it. It sounded weird, but I never really cared much about my health. I didn’t want to go to a doctor, because it meant I might had to change my ways. I knew my eating habits weren’t considered ‘healthy’ and I haven’t even said anything about the fact that I drink and smoke quite regularly. Living my life the way I wanted to meant way more to me than being healthy. “I’m fine, Naira. Let’s just wait it out for a while before we’re going to take drastic measures like going to a doctor.” I said as I downed my drink in one go. I wanted to put it down on the countertop, but almost put it next to it.
Naira walked over to me. “See? You’re hands are shaking like crazy. That’s not a good thing. Besides, you passed out two weeks ago. Maybe it’s all connected.” she said, taking my shaking hand in hers.
I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Naira, I literally have had shaking hands for a very long time. It’s not connected to anything. And I passed out because I had had very little sleep that night.” I said and I carefully took my hand from hers.
Naira looked at me with a little sadness and fear in her eyes. “I’m just worried about you, okay? Can we just take one of those tests online? If you’re so sure it’s nothing, then one of those tests can only prove that you’re right.” she said.
I looked at her and was sure I couldn’t refuse. I didn’t want her to be worried about me. I didn’t want her to hurt for me. “Okay. Let’s find one of those tests.” I said. Maybe I could manipulate it so it would say there was nothing wrong with me.
Naira smiled and took my hand again, dragging me to the dinner table. Her laptop was still on it as she always used to work on her lessons there. She sat down on the chair behind the laptop and I took a seat on the chair next to her.
She opened her laptop and searched a site called webMD. It seemed to be legit, but I always wondered if these kind of sites actually knew what they were talking about. Naira clicked on symptom checker at the top of the screen and the next thing we had to do was fill in my age and gender. As soon as she had filled it in, the body of an animated woman came into view. We were supposed to click on the body parts and then a list of symptoms related to that body part would appear. We had to click on the ones that applied to me and then a few possible conditions appeared on the side.
Naira immediately clicked on the private parts of the lady and clicked on the symptom ‘missed or late menstrual period’. Five conditions appeared in the sideline. Ectopic pregnancy, pregnancy, underweight, hypopituitarism and anorexia nervosa. I looked at the last words. Anorexia nervosa.
Naira apparently hadn’t looked at the conditions yet, as she immediately clicked on the hands of the animated woman and then selected ‘shaking hands or tremor’. Luckily for me, Anorexia now lowered in the list and other conditions like acute stress reaction and low blood sugar appeared on the screen.
Naira looked at me. “Other symptoms you want to tell me?” she asked.
I thought for a minute and shook my head. In fact, I could think of a lot of symptoms, most of them I had had for months and sometimes years. I was suddenly happy that I had drank a glass of wine, because I would have a mental breakdown if I had to do this sober.
Naira thought for a minute and then searched ‘fainting’ in the search bar. Other very scary disorders like heart rhythm disorder appeared among the growing list of conditions. Naira scrolled through them and let out a sigh. “Well, this doesn’t narrow things down at all. There are thirty possible outcomes!” she said.
“Well, maybe you can add ‘difficulty sleeping’” I said, trying to act like I was in on this. In fact all I wanted to do was hide in a hole. I didn’t want to have any of these things. She knew about this symptom already anyway.
She nodded and added it to the list of symptoms. One of the highest conditions in rank was now ‘cocaine abuse’. Naira looked at me with a shocked, semi-serious look on her face. “Maya…”
I laughed at her and shook my head. “I have done a lot of crazy shit, but I can promise you I have never used cocaine before. I’m not planning on either.” I said and for once I was actually honest.
She chuckled shortly and then returned to the list. “Well, these are all very serious things to be honest. Please just tell me honestly if you have more symptoms than just these ones. I promise I won’t be disappointed. I promise we won’t go to the doctor if you don’t want to. But I won’t stop worrying until I know what is wrong with you. Because these possible conditions have only made me more worried.” she said.
She didn’t know it, but she had said exactly the right thing to me. For some reason I felt a lot more relaxed now. I realized I needed to know what was wrong with me and that I didn’t want Naira to worry about me. As long as I wasn’t forced into anything, I would be fine.
I let out a breath and focused my eyes at the screen. “I’m cold. I’m always cold.” I said eventually.
I heard Naira also let out a breath and then I saw her search through the symptoms. “I’m dizzy a lot.” I said. “Definitely if I haven’t had something to eat for a long time.”
I felt her eyes on me for a while, but then I heard the ticking on the keyboard. “My hair feels very brittle. That has been something from the last two months, I guess.” I continued. “Sometimes, I’m so hungry and I eat a lot and sometimes I just feel like I don’t want to eat anymore ever again.”
I didn’t really know if any of these things were relevant, but I just said everything on my mind.
“You have lost a lot of weight since I came here, right?” Naira asked and I saw her look over my body from the corner of my eyes.
I shrugged and folded my arms over my stomach. “Define ‘a lot’.” I said. Yes, I had lost a bit, but I wasn’t where I wanted to be yet. It always seemed like no matter how much weight I lost, it didn’t have any effect on my body. My legs were still too big and my stomach was all over the place.
“You don’t think you look skinnier?” Naira asked, I could hear the suspicion in her voice. She promised me she wouldn’t be disappointed, but I had no idea how she would react to this.
I shook my head and it took a while before I heard her type again. In the meantime I had curled up in my chair, keeping myself from falling apart.
I looked at the screen and saw that she had added. ‘Weight Loss (intentional)’ and ‘distorted body image’. How could she think it was distorted? Did I really see something else than what other people saw?
Before I had processed this thought, Naira had added two more symptoms. ‘Compulsive behavior’ and ‘fear of gaining weight’. I didn’t even know how she thought of these two, but they were true. I felt my entire body shake as I looked at the top result. Anorexia Nervosa. It had climbed its way to the top again and was now terrorizing my head.
And then I broke down. I had the most terrible break down I had ever had. My sobs came out loud and shaking, I was trembling all over and thick tears rolled over my cheeks. Somehow I had always knew I had this, I had just suppressed it. It would be one more reason of why I was the weird failing kid and my brother was the successful and smart one.
Ever since I was a teenager I had problems with eating. It was not a matter of finding myself fat back then, I just wanted to be perfect. I just wanted to do something god damn right for once. It had become an addiction, every ounce I lost was a victory. I felt stronger when I didn’t eat and I felt disgusted as soon as I did. This feeling never really went away.
Over the years it had stayed with me. I must say that it was worse at some periods. Mostly when I had a lot of stress. I guess the last few weeks was a period like that. My job had been more nerve-wracking, I was finally going to do something with my crush on Jaime, I had to worry about Mike being down and someone new living in my house. And then finding out that Jaime had betrayed me, not only as my crush but also my friend. The whole fight with Naira followed and it just showed that I was not worth being anyone’s friend. It had caused the fainting and now the loss of my period. I had fainted before, but the period thing was a new thing. It just showed that this was a down point.
I buried my face inside my hands and tried to contain my sobs, but it just made them sloppier and even more pathetic. I didn’t want to cry in front of Naira, she had enough on her plate already.
Eventually I felt two arms being wrapped around my body and it just made my walls crumble down even faster. “Ssssh. It’s going to be okay, Maya.” Naira said and I felt her tiny hand in my hair. “I’m going to help you.”
I shook my head vigorously. “I don’t want to be helped.” I cried out. My voice sounded like I was insane. Why couldn’t I just be normal? Why did I have to be this person that fucked up everything she did? Why did I have to be me? I mean, I was a fucking psychologist and I couldn’t even recognize my own eating disorder for.
Naira grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at her. I could still see the shock in her eyes. Of course she hadn’t seen this coming. I had appeared so confident to the outside world. But there was also something else visible in her features. Determination. “That’s too bad. Because there’s no way I’m going to let you do this on your own.”

Notes

hey guys!

Sorry it took so long to update! It was entirely my fault XD But hey it's out now! Maya has come clean about her eating disorder to Naira. How do you think things will go from now on?

xxxxx

Nicky