To the future.

I reach the door, take a deep breath a pray to my mother one more time. “I love you” I say to myself. As I place my hand on the door knob it turns quickly and flies open.

Instantly I jump back two steps surprised at the unexpected movement.

“WHERE THE FUCKS MY ALCOHOL!” He charges at me raising his fist. I wrap my arms around my head and take two blows to the head. Instant headache. He grabs me by the head pulling me inside seeing if anyone was watching. He slams the door behind us throwing me to the floor. I slide across the carpet and I can feel it burning me. I get up onto my feet and stare him in the eyes. He lost.

“I’m to young to buy alcohol, why didn’t you just buy it yourself.” I’m imagining that I’m screaming but I know that if I do he’ll try to quite me.

“Fucking bitch. So you’ve spent my money you greedy bitch. Like your fucking mother, useless. Selfish. Stupid, neither of you know what’s good for you.” His voice slowly turning into an intense scream. I flinch at every word scared a fist is going to come into contact with me.

“Mum tried helping you! She’s not the stupid one, look at yourself dad. You’re wasting away.” I pull my pocket out hoping some change falls out. The notes crumple out falling with a few coins. He’s analyzing what’s happened in the last few years and he knows what he’s done wrong. He’s just to scared to own up to his actions.

“There’s your money.” I turn and run for my room. He scuffles around the house then leaves slamming the door. He’s probably going himself to try and get some alcohol.

I throw myself onto my bed and cry uncontrollably. I know that the cycle will start soon. The voices. Every time I cry I cant help but to over think. It’s all I ever do, no one to hang out with and talk to. I’m just left here, with my thoughts and loneliness.

Before I know it I’m up sobbing, looking for my razor and my cloth. I shut the curtains and sit behind my door and ‘set up’ . I place my utensils next to me a cry even more bringing my knees to my chest.

“I’m sorry mum. I’m so so so sorry” I break down. “I wish I wasn’t here. I want to be with you mum. I’m sick of this idiot, he doesn’t understand love, he doesn’t understand ANYTHING!” I catch my breath and wipe my face, soaking the collar of my t-shirt. I grab my razor and think of where to lash at.

My legs are fine. I’m already numb to everything, I’ll just add on to the collection. Each swipe my mothers face floods my head and its just making me cut deeper. I use the cloth to soak up the blood that’s seeping out. I get up, getting the biggest head spin making me dip and fall over. I take a minute on the floor and try to stand up again, if I’m falling ill fall towards my bed.

I make it to my bed and apply as much pressure to my leg as I could. I could feel it throbbing but it was numb at the same time I was tripping over this thought. I lay my blanket over me and start to doze off. I remember having to find my phone so I look to see if it was in my sight. I couldn’t see it but as soon as I tried to re-position my pillow I felt it under there. I relaxed at the thought and fell asleep.

Notes

Just another filler. Hope its coming together c: