Hold My Hand & Jump

“So besides art, is there anything else you’re interested in?” Tony asked when I sat down. “I know you go to a lot of shows around here.”
“Yeah, I’ve always been a huge fan of just music in general,” I answered; those warm chestnut eyes never strayed from mine. It was almost too much to handle, I had to change the subject. Hearing him talk was much more interesting than listening to my own voice, and especially more than talking about myself. “Have you always known you wanted to play music? Or was there anything else you were interested in?”
“Nah,” he said softly, looking down and fiddling with his hands. “I used to play sports, but… I don’t know,” he shrugged, but smiled when he looked up at me. “Music just kinda suits me better, you know?”
“Yeah, I mean, it’s just what we do,” Mike suddenly slurred from opposite us. We were both shocked, considering how drunk he was, I personally hadn’t thought he was paying attention. “Los Pierce the Veils.”
The entirety of the group, excluding me, laughed; I had thought to ask him to say it again, but it was clearly an inside joke. Either I was going to be left out of it, or I was going to have to wait for someone to explain it.
“He means Pierce the Veil,” Vic came to my rescue as if he could read my mind. “Okay, drunky, that’s enough,” he said softly to his brother.
“What’s a ‘pierce the veil’?” The stripper next to him whined.
Something clicked in my head, and I turned to Jaime. “That’s your band, right? Why does that sound familiar?”
Jaime nodded; he had a mouth full of food and I waited until he swallowed to hear him talk. “I mean, it’s their band,” he explained, pointing at Vic and Mike. “Vic sings and Mike plays drums. Tony and I were in a band and when we left, they kind of turned their old project into this one.”
“Oh, I had no idea,” I murmured.
“‘Pierce the veil’ actually means something, too, I’m sure if you asked Vic, he’ll tell you,” Tony spoke up.
I turned to Tony again, curious about something. “So you must be lead guitar?” He nodded, and I wanted to launch myself into the sun when he smiled at me. I couldn’t help but wonder to myself how other people handled this – how normal people handled this. Did everyone else feel this awkward, this nervous, or was it just me?
“Do you just enjoy music or have you ever thought about playing?” He asked me.
“Um…” I had to think back on that one. “I tried to learn guitar when I was around middle school age, almost into high school, but I found it too complicated,” I shrugged. “I’ve always just enjoyed buying records and going to shows more.”
“Yeah, I get you,” Tony grinned. “If you’re ever interested in learning again, I could teach you a thing or two.”
My heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. Yeah, it’s definitely just you, I thought to myself. Just when I felt myself begin to blush brighter than any star in our galaxy, my phone began to vibrate; the long, drawn out tone indicated someone was calling, and I almost jumped into the air and screamed, “Hallelujah!” Once I noticed who was calling, though, I deemed it unfitting. In fact, I should have been cowering in fear from the hell that was to be unleashed on me. “I’ll let you know,” I managed to smile at Tony. “Excuse me, I have to take this.” My legs carried me to the living room, and I answered the call with shaking fingers. “H-hello?”
“Well, that was smart of you.”
The most awful feeling formed in my stomach, worse than sinking. “What did I do?”
My dad’s booming laugh just made it worse. “Typical of you that you don’t know. Did you just ignore the kitchen was in when you left? Or were you not thinking?”
I couldn’t even answer. God, why did I want to burst into tears right now?
“You probably weren’t thinking. I know you weren’t. You never do.”
The emptiness grew, and I just didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t have an excuse, and I learned a long time ago that fighting with him would get me nowhere. “You’re right, Dad, I wasn’t thinking. I-I’m sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.” My voice sounded small and guilty, like a child’s.
“By now, Violet, it wouldn’t surprise me if you did. You know,” he continued, taking on a tone I knew all too well, “we cook for you, give you a place to live, put up with what you decided to major in, and this is what we get in return?”
It was a low blow, no matter how used to it was.
“I have to actually ask you to put a couple of dishes in the dishwasher? You can’t just use your brain and do it yourself?”
Clearly, my father’s definition of ‘ridiculous’ and mine differed greatly. It was a minor infraction, something I should have been able to simply apologize for and fix when I returned home. Like always, however, my father decided it was best to speak to me like I was the dirt under his shoes instead of his daughter. He sure as hell knew how to make me feel like it, anyway.
“No, you left your old man to do it. How disrespectful. Besides, you left without telling us. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”
This time, my heart sunk; my father was a light switch all over again. The change was so sudden, it would have given anybody else whiplash. “Dad, I…” I stammered. “I’m nineteen years old, I didn’t think I needed permission.” Wrong.
“That car is in my name, young lady! You ask to go places, otherwise I have no qualms about taking it from you. We’ll see how easy it is for you to take advantage of us, then. Or for you to get to school. Do you think about these things?”
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t even admit that I was wrong; he had made me feel so small already. When he didn’t continue, I forced myself to choke out, “Dad, I told you earlier this week that Ama and Jaime were having a celebration for their anniversary.”
“Oh, so you expect me to remember everything, too?”
“No, I – ”
“Unbelievable. That’s just rich.”
“Dad, do you want me to come home and do the dishes?” I tried to watch my tone of voice when I spoke to him, but it must not have been good enough for him.
“I want you to drop the attitude, young lady,” he said softly; the world around me grew dark as he growled, the anger shrouding the light. I knew what was coming next, but it still hurt. “And I want you to come home soon, or find somewhere else to stay tonight.” With his final – and usual – threat, he hung up.
It never mattered how used to it I was. It still hurt. It always would.
“You all right?”
I swiveled around to see Jaime; he had come into the house for a trash run, judging by the small mountain of beer cans in his hands. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” I recited. “My dad called.”
Jaime frowned. “Not hard to guess what kind of mood he’s in today, by that tone.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “Here, let me help you,” I offered, taking some of the cans from the pile.
“Oh, thanks.” We went into the kitchen and dumped the cans in the trash. “Are you gonna have to leave?” He asked me.
“Yeah,” I groaned, rinsing my hands off in the sink. “Sorry to cut this short.”
“Hey, I’m just glad you showed up at all,” Jaime laughed; then, his voice became softer. “No, it’s fine. You gotta do what you gotta do. We have all the time in the world to hang out, and I’m sure Ama will understand. Better than anybody could, you know?”
That made me feel a little better. “Well, thank you for inviting me, Jaime,” I smiled, outstretching my arm for a hug.
“Hey, thanks for coming,” Jaime said, hugging me back. “You know…” he said quietly, turning me to face him. “I don’t know what’s been going on with you; whatever Ama feels like she can share with me, she does, but it’s none of my business anyway. All I know is I don’t really see you around anymore, and… I don’t know, just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Suddenly, my sneakers became very interesting to look at. “Well, I never meant to worry anybody.”
“I know,” Jaime continued. “I just thought I’d remind you that you have people who care about you. You know me, I don’t just care because you’re my girlfriend’s best friend. You’re important, and you can always come over if you’re feeling down. Plus,” he stopped to gesture to all the people sitting in the backyard, “with these guys coming around more often, if you really get to know them, you’ll have an even bigger support group. These are the nicest people I know. And…” When he didn’t say anything more, I looked up at him. “If you need a place to stay tonight, let us know.”
The corners of my lips turned up. “Thanks, Jaime, that means a lot.”
“Ah, what are friends for?” He grinned, bringing me into another hug. “Hey, speaking of our friends…”
I viciously unraveled myself from his grip and speed-walked to the backyard. “You know, I feel like I know where this is going and I don’t like it.”
“Tony and Violet, sittin’ in a tree…” he said in a sing-song voice.
“Oh, shut up, Jaime!”
“Is my boyfriend antagonizing you?” Ama called when I got to the doorway. She motioned for me to come sit next to her.
“What else is new?” I laughed, leaning my head on her shoulder. “Hey, so, don’t get mad at me, but I have to go home.”
“Aw, damn, I feel like you just got here,” she said sadly, leaning against me. “Was that your dad?” She breathed quietly, only for me to hear. I nodded, and she clicked her tongue. “We’ll have to work something out for later this week.”
“Yeah, definitely.”
We stayed like that for a little while longer before she stood up. “All right, give me a hug.”
I hugged that little woman tight. “Thanks for inviting me… and thanks for, you know, the other thing.”
“Hey, somebody had to do something, babe. It was for the best.”
“Oh, hush,” I hissed, pulling away from her. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“You get home safe,” she warned.
“Yes ma’am.” I turned to face everyone else, and waved. “It was nice to meet you guys! Well,” I corrected, realizing my mistake; I looked at Chris and Nicole. “Nice to see you two again, as always.”
The two of them and Chris waved at me; Vic looked up from tending to his brother and what he brought with him to wave as well.
I didn’t even have to say anything to Tony when I turned to him. “Are you heading out?” He frowned, looking a little disappointed.
“Yeah,” I said, looking down.
“Oh. Well, I’ll walk you out,” he offered, standing up.
I blinked a few times and assessed the situation once more before I understood that he was serious. “Oh. Okay.” There was no way I could back out of this, or ask Ama for help. This was something I was going to have to brave on my own, right this moment. I tried to look natural, and we walked side by side into the house.
I could have heard a pin drop behind me. Ama was practicing beautiful control; I didn’t have to look at her to know.
He didn’t say anything until we reached the front door; even then, it was an “after you” with a smile as he opened the door for me. I wanted to cover my face with my hands and scream. There was no way this was happening to me, no way this was real. Good things don’t happen to me… not without a catch. This was confusing.
As if he read my mind, Tony started out a sentence, stammering his way through an explanation. “I apologize if this is, um, a little out of line,” he said nervously, “but, um, you seemed upset when you were on the phone, and I wanted to ask if you were okay. Not in front of everyone else, though. I didn’t wanna put you on the spot.”
If my face wasn’t red before, it sure was now. “Well, that’s very sweet of you,” I blushed. “I’m okay, I just need to go deal with some stuff.”
“Oh, okay,” Tony nodded. “Well, I hope your night gets better.”
“Thank you,” I said, thinking to myself, This is actually as good as it’s ever going to get. This moment will undoubtedly be the best part of the night. We reached my car, but before I got in, I turned to face him. “It was nice to meet you, and nice to talk to you.”
“Yeah, for sure,” he smiled; his gaze fell to the floor, and he drew lines in the gravel with the toe of his shoe, but the smile never left. Was he blushing? “Let me know about those guitar lessons, okay?”
I chuckled, and so did he. “I will,” I grinned, opening my car door. “Goodnight, Tony.”
He just stood there, hands in his pockets, still beaming. “Goodnight, Violet.”
I think he waited until I turned off the street, out of sight, before he went back inside. I don’t know, I wasn’t paying that much attention; if I didn’t focus solely on the road, I would surely swerve right off. Once I was for sure out of sight, and once I was sure there were no cars at this intersection, I pressed my forehead to the steering wheel and screamed.
My head was still spinning when I pulled into my driveway; unfortunately, that’s when the happiness dissipated. I wish my blood pressure would’ve gone back down to normal, though. My father’s car wasn’t in the driveway, which meant he and Amanda had gone back out or it was parked in the garage, both of them settled down for the night. I might have preferred the former over the latter if it didn’t mean he had to come home eventually. The door actually opened when I unlocked the bottom lock, and I let out a sigh of relief. You’re on time for once. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but why he would let his failure of a daughter back into his house baffled me.
My instinct was right; two plates and a glass lay in the sink (neither of which were mine, but that’s beside the point) all rinsed off. Although, the dishwasher light was blinking, indicating that there were clean dishes that needed to be put away. Perhaps that was the issue... oh, whatever the issue was, I needed to be more considerate. How silly of you to think that he’s the problem and not you, you know he’s ill.
Over the course of an hour, I cleaned that kitchen from top to bottom. One might not think so, but I really detested disappointing my dad. Hearing him yell and throw things was hell on earth, but knowing I was the reason behind his anger was hell within my own chest. I was determined not to let it get to that point, trying not to leave any mistakes behind. I was tired once I finished, despite how easy the work was and how much I’d slept earlier. Gathering my phone and keys in my hand, I headed into my bedroom, but stopped when I noticed something in the trash can that definitely should not have been there: empty pill bottles. I shouldn’t have done it, I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but I picked one up and read the label. Sure enough, it was my father’s medication. I wasn’t sure what loxapine was but if my father was supposed to take it every day, it had to have been beneficial. So why were the bottles empty?
I shoved it back under the pile of bank statements, receipts and opened envelopes. I didn’t want to know. I just didn’t want to know.
By the time I got into bed and was under my blanket, I was shaking. Let me just dispel the rumors about people who can hit the hay and fall asleep within seconds: they don’t exist. If by some strange miracle they do, I’m certainly not one of them. Ten minutes passed and I was irritable, so I got up to look for some melatonin, some Advil PM, some Zzzquil, something, anything to help me sleep and quiet my thoughts. However, when my phone buzzed and I checked the message, I knew I wouldn’t be sleeping anytime soon.
“Hey, Violet, it’s Tony.”

Notes