Noortje’s POV

You might be wondering what I did when Tony told me he wanted to try for a baby. Well, I’ll tell you exactly what I did. I told him the truth, I didn’t bend around it, I just told him exactly what I thought about it. Honestly, I wasn’t ready for a baby yet. I was terrified to mess up again and I wasn’t sure if I wanted a small combination of me and Tony running around yet. Could I really handle that?

A couple of months later I was finally ready, but I wanted to tell Tony on a special day. Our one year anniversary seemed perfect to me. I had never seen Tony so happy.

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Flashback

It was our one year anniversary and I decided it was the perfect time to tell Tony that I was finally ready to start a family with him. I was willing to grow larger and larger for 9 months, and I was more than excited to have a cute little girl or boy in our arms. My relationship with Tony had only gotten better after the ‘incident’, if anything it actually made us stronger. We had our occasional fights here and there, but we made a promise to each other that we wouldn’t go to bed without resolving our problem. We never held a grudge against each other.

On the other hand, I still felt slightly uncomfortable around Vic. He hadn’t broken up with Danielle, but I also didn’t she knew. She would probably never get to know. I felt like I had to be more conservative around Vic: I couldn’t tell him my secrets anymore, I couldn’t change in the same room anymore, and I felt really bad whenever he was around when Tony and I acted all lovey. But Vic shouldn’t have to affect my relationship, right? I slowly got over that, but I still didn’t like it when he got in my business and I got a lot more annoyed with him.

But today was a good day, I couldn’t let the negative in my life affect this. Tony was my man and our relationship actually survived a year. It might not sound very special, but with our ups and downs it really was.

I woke up to Tony kissing me, “Good morning, baby.”

“Morning,” I grinned sheepishly.

“I made you breakfast, happy anniversary.”

“Happy anniversary,” I pulled him down to meet my lips again. He ran his tongue over my lips and I granted him access. Before I knew it, Tony was straddling me and things were getting very heated… I mean very heated. But I didn’t want this now, I first needed to ‘give’ him his surprise.

I pushed him away, “That’s for later.”

Tony smirked down at me, “Do you have something planned?”

“Maybe, but you definitely won’t expect it.”

“I look forward to it.”

Tony pulled me out of the bed and towards the kitchen table. We nearly stumbled down the stair, making us burst out in laughter. Moments like this made me feel like young lovers again, even though Tony was already in his 30’s and I nearly was. It made me wonder what our relationship would have been like if we had already gotten together when I was 24 and he was 26. Maybe we would have broken up, maybe we would have been super happy. But that didn’t matter, we were together now and happier than ever.

There was a pile of blueberry pancakes in the middle of the table and the table was a lot more organized than how we normally set it up. The condiments were actually set on one side of the table and the glasses were perfectly filled with orange juice. A single red rose was standing tall in a small vase.

“I know one flower isn’t much, but every year you’ll get one more. Eventually you’ll get dozens,” Tony apologized.

“I love it Tony,” I gushed and placed a small kiss on his lips.

Tony told me to take a seat and dig in while he went to get something else. I happily obliged, the pancakes looked really good, so why wouldn’t I. He came back with a gift, taking me by surprise. I hadn’t expected him to get me something.

“I got you something,” Tony handed me the long box that had a ribbon wrapped around it.

I slowly opened it to find a silver necklace with a small pink stone pendant hanging off of it. It was so beautiful, I was almost too afraid to wear it and accidentally break it.

“I thought it was time to give you an upgrade for your guitar pick necklace,” Tony explained.

“I’m still love my guitar pick necklace, though. I can wear one one day, and the other the other day,” I said, still amazed by how beautiful it was.

We finished our breakfast and put the dishes in the dishwasher. This was the perfect time for my gift, I just hoped he would like it, because I hadn’t gotten him anything else. Maybe I should have gotten him another gift, just in case… I was standing in the middle of the living room and Tony showed up in the doorway. I smiled and reached out for him.

“Ok, so now it’s time for my gift,” Tony walked up to me and I wrapped my arms around his neck, “It’s not physical, and I hope you like it. Otherwise I’ll still get you something else.”

Tony put his arms around my waist and grinned at me, wanting me to continue.

“So,” I dragged out, “I stopped taking birthcontrol and I’ve had my period.”

He looked at me with a confused expression and raised an eyebrow. This probably sounded really weird to him since it was what I did every month, it wasn’t exactly a gift for him. So I elaborated.

“I think I should quit taking birthcontrol and we should put aside the condoms… and try for a baby. I’m ready.”

Tony looked so happy before he closed the space between us and his lips touched mine. We molded together in a slow and steady rhythm, slowly making it more heated and passionate. He pulled away, completely out of breath and stared at me.

“When do you want to start?” He panted.

“Now.” I connected our lips again.

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Present

That was 8 months ago. It was already the beginning of January. No, I wasn’t pregnant yet, nor did Tony and I stop trying. We were still going at it like crazy, making sure we had unprotected sex every 2 to 3 days, sometimes taking breaks it tour was getting too hectic or when I was on my period. I was starting to get frustrated. Whenever I would take a pregnancy test I would get the same negative sign after 2 minutes. It was getting so annoying, I was even thinking of giving up, but I had promised Tony and I wasn’t going to break that promise.

We were on tour, and were probably annoying everybody with our constant moaning coming from our bunk, but I couldn’t care less. They were always complaining at the beginning, but they've learned to live with it. Well, that was until Vic came storming out of the bathroom and into the front lounge where everybody was hanging out. I was resting against Tony’s chest and gave Vic a bored look.

“Why the fuck was there a pregnancy test in the trash can in the bathroom?” He held up the plastic stick and glared at me.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged and looked around the room, “Did any of you use it?”

A chorus of nos came from Jaime, Mike, Tony and Jay. I looked back at Vic and gave him a questioning look, “I’d rather know why you were looking through the trash.”

I knew I was being rather cold, but that was how I had been for ages now. He wouldn’t stop trying to care for me and control me, and I just couldn’t get over the fact that he kissed me and said he loved me. I didn’t want that. Why would he even think he had a chance? If he had thought it through he wouldn’t have done it. Jaime, Mike, and Jay didn’t know what had happened, but they surely had noticed how my behavior towards Vic had changed. They were probably very suspicious.

“I wasn’t looking through the trash,” Vic annoyingly sighed, “I was throwing something away and found it on the top.”

“You know you’re holding something I peed on, right?” I snorted.

“Ha! So it is yours!”

I rolled my eyes, “Who the fuck else would have taken it?”

“Why did you take it?”

“Umm, because that’s what girls take when they think they’re pregnant.”

“Yes, but why. You guys really have to be more careful,” Vic urged.

“It’s really none of your business, Vic.” This was exactly what I meant with Vic always wanting to know about everything going on in my life. He would keep asking questions until he got an answer he was satisfied with. The worst part was that it was often about my relationship with Tony.

“He’s got a point,” Mike interjected, “You guys really should be more careful.”

“I agree,” Jaime added.

I groaned internally and glared furiously at Vic, “So, will you share the news of what is says.”

“Umm… there’s one line… so… ummm-” Vic thought out loud.

“I’m not pregnant, so stop fucking freaking out,” I stood up, grabbed the test out of Vic’s hand and stomped to the back lounge, “I’ll make sure to throw it out at the next venue. Oh, and before I forget: It’s none of your. Fucking. Business.”

I closed the door and sat down, staring in front of myself. This really sucked. Tony had to find out it wasn’t pregnant through Vic and I was humiliated. I was really considering to stop trying. This obviously wasn’t working and I didn’t need everybody interrogating me about it, especially Vic.

The door opened and Tony popped in. I tried smiling at him, but it faltered. Instead I closed my eyes and let a tear fall. Tony plopped down beside me and embraced me, wrapping his arms tightly and stroking my hair. More tears fell, but I didn’t dare make a sound. I didn’t need Tony, let alone anybody else in the bus, know that I was crying. But Tony of course noticed.

“Maybe you’re pregnant now, though. When did you take the test? You’re very emotional, maybe it’s hormones,” Tony pointed out.

I breathed out, “I’m definitely hormonal, but not because I’m pregnant. Quite the opposite actually.”

“Oh. So-”

“Yeah, I took the test last week and this week I got a gift from mother nature.”

Tony sighed and wiped away my tears, “We will keep trying, I promise. Don’t beat yourself up about this.”

“But it happened to easily last time. Why isn’t it working this time?”

“If you’re really worried about it, we’ll go to the doctor after tour. It might be me, you know.”

I nodded and cuddled into him. It never actually crossed my mind that something could be wrong with one of us. If there was something wrong though, it probably was me. I had a miscarriage before, maybe something happened that would prevent me from having kids. Or maybe all the other weird medical stuff that happened to me before that had an effect. I just didn’t know.

“I really hate Vic,” I mumbled.

“You shouldn’t. Forgive him, I’m not even mad at him anymore,” Tony advised.

“I know, but that’s different. You’re not the one who got kissed by their best friend before they confessed their love to you.”

“Well-”

“No, you kissed me and said ‘I love you’ first. But I just don’t feel comfortable around him anymore. It’s like everything I do has to be approved by him ever since I rejected him. He also always wants to know how I’m feeling. If I just simply sigh, he will think I’m upset or that you hurt me. He’s gone crazy.”

“He’s probably just showing he cares about you.”

“Exactly. Can’t he just give up already. I don’t like him in that way, and I also don’t want him to try to apologize, I won’t let him till he gets rid of his feelings.”

“Ok, I can’t change your mind. But you’ll have to forgive him sometime.”

“Maybe.”

I got up and walked back into the front lounge with Tony. If I hadn’t forgotten that I had been crying I would have made sure I didn’t look all teary-eyed. Vic saw me and immediately frowned, it was as if he felt guilty.

“I’m so sorry Noortje. I shouldn’t have done that.” Vic stuttered.

I was about to accept his apology and tell him it was ok, but he continued, “I shouldn’t have done that in front of everybody here.”

So he was only sorry about doing it in front of everybody, he wasn’t sorry that he was digging through my personal stuff again. I actually thought he finally realised what he had been doing was wrong. But no. He was only sorry because Mike, Jaime, and Jay also knew.

“Stop, Vic.” I pushed him away, “Stop trying to fix it. You ruined it, there’s nothing you can do. You’re just making it worse.”

“He ruined what?” Mike chimed in.

“Ask Vic that, see if he’s brave enough,” I mumbled and went to climb into Tony’s and my bunk. I felt tired, exhausted, and sick. Being on my period didn’t help that either.

This day fucking sucked.

Notes

First chapter of the sequel! WHOOO!