But Where's Your Heart?
Screw Emotions
One year ago, June 19
I can't breathe.
The tightening of my throat is restricting any air trying to pass through.
"Alright Andrea, you're next"
Fucking bitch.
My breathing was rapid, my hair was in my face, I felt like was gonna be sick, but this bitch STILL wants me to present. I told her I have social anxiety, oh but its all about mental control she says, its foolish and just a way to get attention she says.
Bitch.
So, I have to present my shity ass story in front of the entire grade, nearly in tears.
I get to the front of the stage, stare out at all the people, the ones who hate me, the ones that have befriended me, the ones who don't know I exist. A single tear slides down my face and I know its over. I turn to my teacher, with multiple tears streaming down my face now, "go on" she mouth's.
Fuck it
I ran off the stage, into the corridor, down the hallway and out to the small "garden". I sat on the furthest bench from the school and cried, breathing still heavy, hands still shaking. I'm surprised I can still think straight with the anxiety attack I'm having right now.
You're fucking worthless. An A+ piece of shit you know that? You can't even say 3 fucking paragraphs in front of 5 classes without going into mentally-unstable mode. No wonder no one needs you or loves you or even wants you around.
"stop, stop please.." I said just above a whisper.
"I–I swear, next time I'll–"
"Andrea? You here?"
Wait. Wait, what
"Andrea? It's me Andrew"
There's no way in hell that this boy is looking for me, especially after what just happened.
"There you are" he sat next to me and held my chin up so i could look him in the eyes
" come on now, breathe with me, 1-2-3-4...1-2-3-4" he rubbed my back and squeezed me hand "there you go, just a little longer" we continued in this manner until I was back to normal.
I looked at him with greatful eyes and he hugged me with so much care, I could feel it. "You're beautiful darling, nothing to be ashamed of, you're smart, funny, your personality is amazing and you are fucking wonderful, never think otherwise. I–I love you" I broke our hug and looked him in the eyes "I...... I love you too" I swear we would've kissed at that moment if all my friends and some other random people hadn't came crowding around me, asking a shit ton of questions. I wouldn't even have noticed he left if he hadn't discreetly gave my hand a kiss before he left. Shortly after, the bell rang and the people vanished. I got my things from my locker and went home.
He said he loved me.
When I got home I ignored my mother and went straight to my room.
he said he loved me
I sat on my bed and tried to make sense of what happened.
He said he loved me
See, Andrew was new to our school that year. We became friends over an argument about bands during lunch. Ever since then we were inseparable.
Eventually I started to develope feelings and I think he did too. We would always sit next to each other in class talk about random things, he wrote me adorable poems in French to/about me, we watched scary movies together, we argued about Fall Out Boy and Blink 182, even presented and incredibly stupid and horrible drawing of a stick figure sitting next to a pile of books to the class and named it Billy Bob Joe Jr. The third. During dance class he would skip and take my phone and take a rediculous amount of selfies then set the one he thought was best as my lock screen.
He was an idiot but I love him for it. I loved him. I. Loved. Him, and he said he loved me. But life just had to come and ruin it for didn't it?
See, school ends next week, but today was Andrew's last day because he's leaving early to go to the Netherlands (where he's from) to start an early summer vacation. I also received the news a couple days ago that I will be moving soon to a surprise location. I hope to God that I'll still be able to see him. I love him.
Present Day
"Earth to Andie, do you copy?"
"What? Oh, sorry Himes what were you saying?"
"just if you wanted a ride home"
"Yea sure, that'd be great"
"Are you alright? You've been distant all day"
"sorry, just been thinking of stuff"
"Stuff like....?" He gestured to continue with his hands
"I dunno, just um, homework's got me stressed ya'know" I lied. I feel bad but I'm not about to spill my guts.
"Well if you need help with any, just let me know, and remember that you can tell me anything "
We stepped out of the school and walked through the parking lot, making our way to his car.
"Thanks Himes, that really means a lot" I smiled genuinely at him before opening the passenger door and getting in.
The ride home was short but quiet even though Jaime wouldn't stop talking and I added my sassy rebuts here and there, but i felt... Lonely, empty almost.
I thanked Jaime for the ride and said I'll see him tomorrow. I went upstairs room a shower then went went to bed. I refuse to further deal with any emotions. I'm done.
I can't breathe.
The tightening of my throat is restricting any air trying to pass through.
"Alright Andrea, you're next"
Fucking bitch.
My breathing was rapid, my hair was in my face, I felt like was gonna be sick, but this bitch STILL wants me to present. I told her I have social anxiety, oh but its all about mental control she says, its foolish and just a way to get attention she says.
Bitch.
So, I have to present my shity ass story in front of the entire grade, nearly in tears.
I get to the front of the stage, stare out at all the people, the ones who hate me, the ones that have befriended me, the ones who don't know I exist. A single tear slides down my face and I know its over. I turn to my teacher, with multiple tears streaming down my face now, "go on" she mouth's.
Fuck it
I ran off the stage, into the corridor, down the hallway and out to the small "garden". I sat on the furthest bench from the school and cried, breathing still heavy, hands still shaking. I'm surprised I can still think straight with the anxiety attack I'm having right now.
You're fucking worthless. An A+ piece of shit you know that? You can't even say 3 fucking paragraphs in front of 5 classes without going into mentally-unstable mode. No wonder no one needs you or loves you or even wants you around.
"stop, stop please.." I said just above a whisper.
"I–I swear, next time I'll–"
"Andrea? You here?"
Wait. Wait, what
"Andrea? It's me Andrew"
There's no way in hell that this boy is looking for me, especially after what just happened.
"There you are" he sat next to me and held my chin up so i could look him in the eyes
" come on now, breathe with me, 1-2-3-4...1-2-3-4" he rubbed my back and squeezed me hand "there you go, just a little longer" we continued in this manner until I was back to normal.
I looked at him with greatful eyes and he hugged me with so much care, I could feel it. "You're beautiful darling, nothing to be ashamed of, you're smart, funny, your personality is amazing and you are fucking wonderful, never think otherwise. I–I love you" I broke our hug and looked him in the eyes "I...... I love you too" I swear we would've kissed at that moment if all my friends and some other random people hadn't came crowding around me, asking a shit ton of questions. I wouldn't even have noticed he left if he hadn't discreetly gave my hand a kiss before he left. Shortly after, the bell rang and the people vanished. I got my things from my locker and went home.
He said he loved me.
When I got home I ignored my mother and went straight to my room.
he said he loved me
I sat on my bed and tried to make sense of what happened.
He said he loved me
See, Andrew was new to our school that year. We became friends over an argument about bands during lunch. Ever since then we were inseparable.
Eventually I started to develope feelings and I think he did too. We would always sit next to each other in class talk about random things, he wrote me adorable poems in French to/about me, we watched scary movies together, we argued about Fall Out Boy and Blink 182, even presented and incredibly stupid and horrible drawing of a stick figure sitting next to a pile of books to the class and named it Billy Bob Joe Jr. The third. During dance class he would skip and take my phone and take a rediculous amount of selfies then set the one he thought was best as my lock screen.
He was an idiot but I love him for it. I loved him. I. Loved. Him, and he said he loved me. But life just had to come and ruin it for didn't it?
See, school ends next week, but today was Andrew's last day because he's leaving early to go to the Netherlands (where he's from) to start an early summer vacation. I also received the news a couple days ago that I will be moving soon to a surprise location. I hope to God that I'll still be able to see him. I love him.
Present Day
"Earth to Andie, do you copy?"
"What? Oh, sorry Himes what were you saying?"
"just if you wanted a ride home"
"Yea sure, that'd be great"
"Are you alright? You've been distant all day"
"sorry, just been thinking of stuff"
"Stuff like....?" He gestured to continue with his hands
"I dunno, just um, homework's got me stressed ya'know" I lied. I feel bad but I'm not about to spill my guts.
"Well if you need help with any, just let me know, and remember that you can tell me anything "
We stepped out of the school and walked through the parking lot, making our way to his car.
"Thanks Himes, that really means a lot" I smiled genuinely at him before opening the passenger door and getting in.
The ride home was short but quiet even though Jaime wouldn't stop talking and I added my sassy rebuts here and there, but i felt... Lonely, empty almost.
I thanked Jaime for the ride and said I'll see him tomorrow. I went upstairs room a shower then went went to bed. I refuse to further deal with any emotions. I'm done.
Notes
Hey,
GUYS IM SO FUCKING SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING IN A MONTH THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE AND WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I swear you guys I've been incredibly busy and I literally was so sick I almost died last week.
But I'm good now.
Which means I will be updating way more. So I beg you please forgive me (pwees e.e)
Bye babes ;)
Fuck ok so for some reason my acc deleted it's self when I was updating and I don't know, maybe it was a sign to just forget about it? If anyone wants, I'll tell you my plans for the story so that I don't leave you on a cliffhanger :/
8/19/16