But Where's Your Heart?

We settled at a coffee shop not too far away. I wanted to go to my house first to change my clothes but we both agreed that wasn't the best idea since I hadn't come home last night so my mom will most certainly kill me thus I should enjoy my freedom will I still can.

I ordered a muffin with coffee while Tony ordered a breakfast sandwich, a fruit salad and some orange juice. As we ate, I planned out how I was going to talk to the guys about, well.... Everything. I've really come to like these guys and I want to be on good terms with all of them, that means coming clean with no secrets... Or at least not all of them. I've made the decision of trusting then and becoming their friend, and that's a big thing to me so this conversation is crucial.

"Hey are you alright?'

I was brought out of the conversation in my own head and looked over to Tony.

"Yeah, why?" I said sipping my coffee.

"You haven't even touched your muffin and you've been staring out that window like your life depended on it".

I smiled and took my muffin. "I'm fine Tony, but I appreciate your concern" and I took a bite out of my muffin. It tasted bittersweet, although I know it was blueberry —which is my favourite kind— I feel like I can't eat it. I've been doing so well with skipping meals that this feels wrong. I continue with small bites anyways because I don't want Tony to think there was something wrong with me.

I continue gazing out the window as I almost finish my coffee. I Shane my leg then start tapping the table. I need to tell him I repeat over and over in my head. I became annoyingly fidgety but I have doubts about telling him how I feel. I don't want to lead him on but nice moment here feels so nice, I dint want to ruin it. Well, if you really think about it, with my mind racing si fast, there is no tranquility that I Watkins be disturbing, at least not on my end.

Oh fuck it.

I turm my head over to face Tony's direction but looked down at the table. I take a deep breath. "Ok look Tone, I don't want to say that I didn't mean to kiss you but it kinda was an accident. In my defence, I did drink a bit, but the last thing I want to do is make you feel bad because I really like you, but I told you everything that's going on right now in my life so please try to understand where in coming from. Considering the circumstances, I don't know if doing that was a good idea or wherever would've come after that but please don't stop being my friend because I really need you guys now and I already have social issues so it would mean a lot to me is wet could just forget what happened yesterday. Please?" I know I was rambling but I couldn't care less about that now, I honestly feel terrified.

I looked up at him and he was looking down. I feel like crawling into a small hole and dying because of how awful I feel. I led him on and now I'm just stomping on his heart. But this point of my life is just so unstable and reckless that if we continued that, I would've just taken him down with me.

"I understand, it was my fault anyways. But don't feel bad, I mean you could've been a bitch about it but you weren't. It's cool I guess, it wasn't really a big deal anyways" he smiled weakly.

He hates me. He hates me so much right now I can feel it

We eventually left the restaurant and I decided I should be getting home now.

"Hey Tone? Thanks a lot for breakfast, but I have to head home now" I said so quietly.

"Yeah, I figured. Could I walk you home? "He said hesitantly. I smiled and nodded.

We arrived at my home —which wasn't as far away from the shop as I thought.

"Tony, tomorrow I'm going to talk to all of you guys, just to clear things up, you know?"

"sounds good, see ya then" another weak smile and he walked away.

Any emotion expressed on my face faded as he walked away. That was so awful, so much for careful planning. I never should've stayed at his house. No. That wasn't the mistake. I just never should've kissed him.

Notes

Hey again,

Chapters getting longer.... Slowly but surely. Anyways, what did you guys think of the chapter? Were you guys expecting this? Comments = more updates sooo leave everything you got ;)

Bye babes ;*

P.S. I'm going to go back and edit the first few chapters because shit cringey as fuck