Noortje’s POV

It had been a couple of days and the bleeding had finally stopped. I was lucky and my body had cleared out everything by itself, meaning I didn’t need to get a D&C. It was nice no longer having a constant reminder that I had fucked up and killed. I wasn’t going to let the miscarriage affect me though, I didn’t want to be stuck in a depression. There was sure to be a lot more shit.

Tony walked back into the bedroom and looked at me still tangled in the blankets on my stomach and not having moved since he had left.
“Come on, we have to go to my mum’s house.” He said, slapping my butt.
I groaned, “But I’m so comfortable.”
“She’ll like you, don’t worry. You’ll also get to meet my sister who’s quite easygoing.”
“I don’t know why I’m so nervous, I’ve met everybody else’s parents.”
“Well, it’s probably because she’s my mum, and I’m your boyfriend who you love oh so much.”
“Mhm, I do. Which is why you’re going to let me stay in bed.”
“No, the last couple of days we’ve had lazy days. My mum wanted me to come over ‘cause she hasn’t seen me in such a long time. She doesn’t even know you’re coming… or that I have a girlfriend.”
“Another reason why I should stay.” I pointed out.
Tony put his arms underneath my body and picked me up, making me squeal. He brought me to the bathroom, while stripping my pyjamas off in the process. I let him turn on the shower and put me on the floor.
“You’re going to take a shower. We’re leaving in an hour.” He still had his hands on my waist.
I leaned into him, “Can we bring Bailey with us?”
“Of course we are.” He pecked my nose.
“But she’s still sleeping on the bed, why can’t I?”
“Cause she’s a puppy, and puppy's are allowed to do that.”

Tony kissed away the pout I had formed on my face, gave my butt a squeeze, and left. I stepped into the shower and quickly washed my hair, which had turned very greasy, and my body. For the remainder of the time I thought about life. What if Tony’s mum didn’t like me? What if I screwed up? What about my clothes! I know that first impressions were really important to my parents, especially clothes.

I quickly turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around my body and my hair and ran back into the bedroom. I stood in front of the closet and was lost. Oh god, this was going to go completely wrong. What made it even worse was Bailey waking up and barking at my feet. Normally I would have thought it was funny, but I was really stressed out.
“Tony!” I shouted.
Pounding footsteps came up the stairs and entered the room.
“What?”
“What should I wear? And can you please get Bailey to stop.”
Tony walked towards me and picked up Bailey, silencing her.
“You could literally just wear sweatpants and it would be fine.” Tony joked.
“I’m being serious Tone!”
“Wear something comfortable, just like I am.”
I nodded and turned back towards the closet.
“I’m going to collect all of the dog stuff we’ll need for Bailey.” Tony announced and walked out, with Bailey still cuddled up in his arms.

Something comfortable. Would Tony’s mum really be ok with that? I was always forced to wear my nicest clothes whenever we went to meet new people, and my parents never approved of people who wore ‘comfortable’ clothes. But I should trust Tony, he wouldn’t purposely mess this up for me, right? No, this was probably just as important for him.

I put on some panties and a bra I didn’t even know I had, but they were literally the only undergarments I had… They also sort of matched, which was quite nice, I never really wore matching underwear. Either Vic, Jaime, or Mike must have seen all my panties, thongs, and bras when they were moving all my stuff in here. That’s such a weird thought, now at least one of them knows what I wear. Only Tony should be allowed to know that stuff. I rummaged through my other clothes and finally settled on something that was comfortable, yet also presentable. Something that made me feel like me.

I brushed out my hair and quickly dried it with a blow dryer, knowing it would go all frizzy if I wouldn’t, and didn’t bother with any makeup. I had decided to only wear makeup on stage, for special events, and whenever I felt like it, and today I did not. I wasn’t going to mask who I truly was.

I joined Tony, who was sitting on the couch, looking at something on his phone.
He looked up, “You ready to go?”
“Yeah…”
“You look beautiful.” He stood up and wrapped his arms around me.
“Are you sure this is ok?”
“It’s perfect. Since when have you started caring about what other people think?”
I placed my hands on his cheeks, “Since I’m not planning on leaving you for at least a very long time and don’t want to screw it up.”
“You won’t.”

----

The car ride was silent, except for the occasional barking, but it wasn’t awkward, it was comforting and understanding. Tony pulled up on the side of the road in front of a small family house. He turned the car off and grabbed my hand.
“Do you mind if we tell her about the miscarriage?” He asked carefully.
“She deserves to know. I don’t want to hide it. But can we explain it when your sister is also there, so we won’t have to explain it twice?”
“I think we can do that.”
He gave me a reassuring kiss before getting out of the car. I did the same, but first had to get Bailey off of my lap. This was a life full of dog hair that will stick to all of your clothes. Tony grabbed the dog bed and another bag from the back of the car. He held on to my hand and we walked towards the front door.

Tony ran the doorbell and an older small woman with black hair opened the door.
“Tony!” She exclaimed, giving him a hug and kissing him on the cheek.
She then looked at me, smile not faltering, “I didn’t know you were going to bring someone along.”
“I didn’t know either until he literally dragged me out of bed.” I chuckled.
Bailey started squirming in my arms and I placed her on the floor. She immediately ran into the house happily and did cute little jumps.
“She certainly isn’t a shy puppy.” I laughed at the fluffy animal.
“Well, that’s Bailey, and this is Noortje,” Tony pointed at me.
“Hi,” I smiled timidly.
“Come on in.” Mrs. Perry stepped aside.
Tony walked in first and dragged me along by my hand. I was mesmerized by the house. There were family photos everywhere and everything seemed so homy, the opposite of how my family’s house was. Souvenirs, which Tony probably had brought back from various places, were scattered around the place, giving it an authentic feel.
“Sorry about the mess, I just thought it was going to be Tony. If he would have told be I would have cleaned up.” Mrs. Perry apologized.
“That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you.” Tony responded.
“This place is really awesome,” My eyes wondered around the room, “Why did you never tell me how awesome your family was?”
“We really aren’t that special,” Mrs. Perry understated.
“These photo’s are so amazing. We never had this many. Now I think about it, we never really had any.” I sighed
“We should get some photo’s for our house. Change it up a bit.” Tony suggested.
I nodded my head.
“You guys live together?” Tony’s mum inquired.
“Uh, yeah,” I turned to her, “I use to live with Vic, but a bit after I joined the band, Vic said he wanted to move out. Nothing against me. I decided I was going to as well, but something happened, and Tony offered for me to live with him. That was before we got together… I still don’t understand how Tony lived in such a big house all by himself, I still think it’s gigantic when everybody is there.”
“I recall Tony saying something about somebody else joining the band, but he never told me somebody moved in with him.” She glared at Tony in a playful manner.
“I’m sorry?” Tony said more like a question than a statement.
“Why don’t you guys sit down, your sister, Isabel, will be here in about an hour, she’s still at school.”

Tony brought me to the dining table, which had magazines and other flyers scattered around it, most of them including Pierce The Veil. It was nice knowing that his mum was so proud of him. My parents were never proud, they only supported me as long as I was doing my work and earning money. They didn’t care about how I felt about it, they only cared about whether they liked it or not.

I felt a hand on my cheek.
“Are you ok?” Tony whispered.
I nodded, for some reason I was trying to hold back tears, “Yeah. I like it here, it’s a lot different from how my family used to live.”
Tony gave me a sympathetic smile and tried to read my eyes. He slowly leaned in, making his lips connect with mine. I willingly kissed him back, going at a slow pace. There was nothing sexual about this kiss. It was sweet and gentle; we were showing our care for each other.
“Oh, am I interrupting something?” Mrs. Perry stood opposite of us with coffee in one hand, and mugs in the other.

Tony and I pulled apart, his hand lingering on my cheek. I gave him a reassuring smile, telling him I really was fine and not just saying it. I took his hand and removed it from my cheek, intertwining our fingers in the process. Tony’s mom grinned at us and placed the mugs on the table, filling them with coffee. She sat down on the opposite side of the table.

“So, how was tour?”
“It was pretty good. Crowds oversees are always just a bit more excited to see us. It was actually Noortje’s first real tour.” Tony explained.
“Oh really?”
“Yeah, I really enjoyed it. Only, Vic can really get on my nerves.” I chuckled.
“But he can also do that outside of tour.” Tony added.
We looked at each other and burst out laughing, thinking about all the times he pissed us off and interrupted things.
“What did he do?” Mrs. Perry said, wanting in on the joke.
“Well, before this happened,” Tony motioned between me and him, “There were a couple of times I wanted to kiss her so bad, but somehow Vic managed to walk in every single time.”
“That must be very annoying, but, as I understand, you’ve been friends for very long, why just get together now?”
“I just didn’t like him that way,” I said matter-of-factly, “I do know when my feelings started developing though. What about you, Tone?”
Tony laughed a bit embarrassed, “You probably won’t remember this, but you we’re all drugged up and I brought you to bed, but you decided to randomly kiss me, and it got me all confused. But subconsciously, that one time a Vic’s house-”
“Oh, the time when we decided to make out because we wanted to hide the fact that we were talking about me almost getting raped as a kid. Same for me. But you’re right I don’t remember kissing you that other time, I’m sorry about that.” I didn’t think about what I was saying.
I looked up and saw Mrs. Perry with her mouth open and concerned eyes. There was a girl standing at the doorway, making the same exact expression. An awkward silence surrounded us. Luckily, the girl decided to break it.
“Tony!” She screamed.
“Isa!” Tony stood up and the girl, who apparently was his sister, ran over and hugged him.
I sat awkwardly in my chair and watched them interact. They looked very similar: the same black hair and brown eyes, and the same smile. The smile which made me fall in love with Tony a bit more every time, the one he could use to get away with everything. They pulled apart and both looked at me.
“Aren’t you Noortje?” Isabel asked me.
“Umm, yeah.” I replied.
“So, Tony tells you about her, but not me?” Mrs. Perry accused.
“I found out on twitter,” Isabel shrugged.
“You guys made your relationship public?”
“Wait, relationship? Oh my god! I meant that she was the girl who joined the band.” She turned to Tony and I, “You guys- You- Relationship! How long!”
“2 months,” Tony stated, “But we’re not really planning on telling the fans soon. Vic, Jaime, and Mike didn’t know until after-” His eyes went wide and he looked at me.
“It’s ok Tone,” I reassured, “We already determined that we were going to tell them.”
“Tell us what!” Isabel urged.
“Isa, why don’t you calm down, this looks serious.” Mrs. Perry scolded.

Isabel took a seat next to Mrs. Perry and her mood immediately changed. I guess she was just excited to see Tony again. Right now she didn’t seem like the hyper kid from a few seconds ago. Tony sat down next to me, and took hold of my hand.
“Ok, so I’ll start,” I began and tony tightened his grip around my hand, “Well, it was all my fault, I should have-”
Tony budged in, “It wasn’t your fault, ok? I didn’t stop it either.”
“But-”
“No. Let’s just skip that part. So, I just want to tell you we didn’t know, but Noortje was pregnant.”
I saw Isa thinking. “Was?” she asked.
“Umm, yeah,” I mumbled, ashamed of what I had done, “I fell on stage and had a miscarriage. I didn’t know I was pregnant and slipped on a riser, making it flip over, and apparently I hit it just at the right angle.”
“I’m sorry,” Mrs. Perry sympathized.
“It’s ok. Like Tony said before, we had only been together for 2 months, and I had just started touring. I don’t know what would have happened… I would have probably started showing sometime soon though.”
“Well I can see you really are looking out for each other.”
Tony and I both nodded and looked at each other, smiling.
“I actually feel a lot better now.” I said after some silence, “It was a good decision telling you.”
“Haven’t you told your family?” Mrs. Perry wondered.
“I told my brother, and surprisingly he wasn’t too worried. He used to be so overprotective, but I think he knew Tony knew how to handle this.”
“He was actually the one who got us together,” Tony recalled.
“Ugh, don’t remind me.”
Everybody laughed.
“No seriously don’t remind me.”
The memories of my mum dragging me away from the stage flashed before we again. I could clearly see her yelling at me and then her fist neared. The next thing was pain. Pain took control over my face.
Tony looked at me confusedly, but then realisation hit him, “Oh shit. I’m sorry. I totally forgot.”
I shook away the thoughts, and hoped there would be no questions. I didn’t come here to relive every crappy event in my life.

“So, Isa, how’s school going?” Tony said, changing the subject.
Isa groaned, “Don’t even get me started. Especially bio is so difficult, like seriously, we started this new thing and I really don’t get it. Something misis or mitotos or something.”
“Mitosis,” I corrected, “It’s pretty easy really. You have prophase, metaphase, anaphase, and telophase. There’s more stages, but I’m guessing you’re just doing those. During prophase the nucleus dissolves. In metaphase spindles attach to the chromosomes and organise them. Anaphase is when the chromosomes separate, and Telophase is the stage in which everything is pulled to opposite sides and the cell divides.”
Isa looked at me for a few seconds and seemed to be thinking. Suddenly everything clicked, “When she explains it it makes so much more sense!”
“I’ve known you for six years, yet I still find out stuff about you,” Tony said, mouth agape.
“It’s a talent,” I chuckled, “But I think the only thing I really couldn’t do was History, other than that I was fine. I just couldn’t remember dates.”
“Oh, I know about that.”
“Hey, I said I was sorry. Stop giving me shit about that.”
“I’m just kidding baby.”
I pouted, “At least we now have Bailey to remind me.”

Right at that moment Bailey ran to my feet and pounced on them while barking. I looked down at her and picked her up, putting her on my lap. She wobbled around a bit and I steadied her with my hands.

“Oh my god, that’s the cutest dog ever.” Isa exclaimed.
“I know right, that’s what I thought when I went to pick her up. You should have seen Noortje when I surprised her with it.” Tony pet the dog.
“You know what? You guys should stay for dinner.” Mrs. Perry interrupted.
“It might be a bit late to drive home if we do that though,” Tony thought out loud.
“You can stay in your old room. It hasn’t changed a bit, except for the sheets of course.”
Tony looked at me, asking me what I wanted to do.
“I don’t mind,” I answered.
“Ok, that’s settled then.”

----

The rest of the time we talked about some tour stories and Tony’s family got to know me. It went a lot better than expected. This household was a lot different from the household I grew up in, but I could get used to it. Tony’s sister told us many of her own stories, some more confusing and weird than others, but Tony happily listened to all of them. Their relationship reminded me a lot of the relationship I had with Ewout: Free and caring.

Mrs. Perry came walking in with an apron around her waist, “So what would you guys like to drink? We’ve got beer, wine, anything really.”
“I’ll have a beer,” Tony grinned.
“Me too!” Isabel joined in.
“No, you’re getting something non-alcoholic,” Mrs. Perry scolded.
“I’ll just have some water, please. I don’t drink.” I said.
“Now that’s somebody you should look up to.”

Mrs. Perry walked back into the kitchen, finishing the dinner and getting out the drinks. I saw Isabel looking at me curiously from the corner of my eye, so I turned to look back at her and gave a similar look.
“Why don’t you drink?” She asked me.
I shrugged, “I just don’t feel the need to. I also don’t like what it does to some people. But I never really did it, and don’t really like it. It must be a very special occasion to drink, whether it’s a good or bad occasion.”

Mrs. Perry called Tony to come help him set up the table. They soon came back with plates, the drinks, and a pan full of spaghetti and meatballs. I grinned, remembering when Tony made it on our 2 month anniversary, a concept I still did not understand fully. Anniversaries are only once a year, right? He probably just wanted to spoil me for a day.

I insisted on everybody taking before me, even after Mrs. Perry tried to persuade me with the speech about how guests were always prioritised. It was just a thing I had done for more than half of my life; something I would probably keep doing for the rest of my life. Tony watched me as a scooped some on my plate, but sighed as he saw how much I had.

“Noortje,” He warned and glared at my plate.
“What?” I said, acting oblivious to what he meant.
He gave me another frown and stared at me with sad eyes.
“Fine,” I gave in, putting more food on my plate.
“Thank you.” He gave me a cheeky smile.

I sighed and started eating my food, hoping I could finish this amount. Just thinking about it made me feel sick.

----

I had been able to finish most of the food, leaving just a bit that I couldn’t finish. Of course Tony had tried to make me eat that as well, but I felt like I was about to explode. I also informed Mrs. Perry on the whole situation so she wouldn’t think I didn’t like her food, because, damn, was it good.

We were now all sitting in the living room with the TV on. Tony and I were cuddled up on one end of the couch, while Isabel sat on the opposite side with earphones in and doodling something in a notebook. Mrs. Perry was seated in a recliner, watching the TV intently and sometimes laughed at jokes made in the show.

I could help but look at Isa, wondering what she was doing. What was she listening to? What was she drawing? I had found out she was actually a quiet kid. Overtime her hyperness had turned into activeness which then slowly turned to her being quieter and quieter. She was probably just over excited to see her brother again, and to find out he had a girlfriend which all the fans ship him with.

I got out of Tony’s embrace and sat down next to her. She took out an earbud and looked at me. I smiled at her and leaned in slightly.
“What are you listening to?” I whispered.
She took out her phone and showed me the album art of Panic! At The Disco’s single ‘LA Devotee’. I grinned and started to whisper-sing part of the chorus so only she could hear.
“Just another, just another, uh oh
Just another, just another, uh oh
Just another, just another, uh oh
Just another LA Devotee”
Isa grinned at me, giving me one of the biggest smiles I had seen of her today, and she smiled a lot. I reciprocated the smile.
“Start is from the beginning and put it on speaker. I don’t care if I’ll embarrass myself.” I requested in a hushed tone.
She nodded and took out her earphones, put the sound on full, and restarted the song. Tony noticed what was about to go down and turned the volume of the TV off. He had witnessed countless of my dance parties, probably more than he would have liked to see. I stood up dancing and singing along to the first verse. As the chorus started I stopped dancing and turned to Isa, holding out my hands for her to join. She hesitated at first put grabbed onto my hands, letting me pull her up. We danced along and sang along to the song, I even tried to get Tony to join in, but he just shook his head and said he would rather watch. At the end of the song Isa and I were both laughing and out of breath. I plopped down back on the couch, next to Tony, and Isabel followed soon, still giggling.

“I like her Tony,” Isa said out loud, “She’s a lot better than your past girlfriends.”
“Hmm, I like her a lot more too,” Tony agreed.
“You better,” I joked.

There was a short silence and I yawned.
“I think I’m going to bed,” I announced, “This guy kept me up all night last night.”
Tony awkwardly cleared his throat.
“Oh god, I didn’t mean it that way,” I corrected myself, “We were up playing video games, because somebody insisted on being able win from me, which he totally didn’t do till I let him.”
“Well, I think it’s time for us to go to bed as well.” Mrs. Perry concurred.
“But-” Isa started to whine.
“It’s late and you’re probably going to stay up in your room anyway.”
“Fine.”

Isabel stomped upstairs, while Tony and I decided to help Mrs. Perry with cleaning up the last of the dishes. After a while, she told us to go upstairs and let her to the last of it, so that’s what we did. Tony grabbed my hand and led me upstairs. There were more photo’s, some even including extended family. We entered a room which had one wall covered in posters. I stared at it in awe. There were so many bands, and a few not very age appropriate posters.

“I’m sorry about those,” Tony blushed.
“I really don’t mind. It actually looks really cool. My parents never allowed me to put anything on my bedroom walls, except if it was for learning purposes,” I told him.
“Well, now you get to share a room that used to have even more posters, with me.”

I turned around so my back was facing Tony and took of my shoes, my cardigan, my t-shirt, and then my pants. I could just feel Tony staring at me. He wrapped his arms around me and started kissing my neck, making me let out a silent moan. I turned around in his embrace and he immediately attacked my mouth with a deep and passionate kiss. His hands traveled down to hold onto my hips and he kneeled in front of me, placing soft kisses down my stomach. I pulled him back up so I could kiss him again and let my hands travel underneath his shirt, roaming around on his stomach. We pulled away so I could take off his shirt.
“Thank you,” I chirped and put on the t-shirt.
“Tease,” Tony stuck out his tongue.
“You actually think I would have sex at your mom’s house?”
“Of course not. I wasn’t going to let it go that far.”
“Well, your brain might be thinking that, but your dick definitely isn’t.”
Tony looked down and groaned, “Why do you have this effect on me? I swear to god, it never happened this often with my past girlfriends.”
“I guess it’s only a good sign,” I smirked, “Now, you go to the bathroom and fix that, while I go sort out Bailey.”

We walked out of the bedroom at the same time and met Mrs. Perry. Tony looked like he was caught doing something illegal and froze. His mom looked back at him and raised an eyebrow before motioning to him to go to the bathroom, with a small nod of her head. He quickly slipped into the bathroom and I giggled.
“That totally wasn’t my fault,” I raised my hands.
Mrs. Perry chuckled and shook her head before saying goodnight and going to her own bedroom.

I picked up Bailey, who apparently found her way upstairs (Mrs. Perry probably had brought her along, because there is no way a puppy could climb these stairs). I found a door which I thought belonged to Isabel’s room and opened it. She was sat on her bed, back against the headboard, and was doodling in the same notebook as before. I knocked and caught her attention.
“Hi,” I smiled.
“Hey,” she replied.
“Do you mind if I let Bailey sleep here with you. I think she’ll like it.”
Isa’s eyes lit up and she nodded furiously. I laughed and placed Bailey on her bed.
“If anything’s wrong, just come wake me, ok?” I told her.
“Yeah, I will.”

We said our goodnights and I left to go back to Tony’s room. I found him already seated on the bed, probably waiting for me. He grinned up at me and climbed into bed, patting the bed besides him, telling me to join. I lied down beside him and turned so I was facing him. We looked in each other’s eyes and smiled, just simply smiled, nothing else.
“You know what I just realised?” I said.
Tony raised his eyebrows, “What?”
“We haven’t had sex in 3 weeks.”
“That long already!”
“Yeah, just under 2 weeks in England because we never had time alone, and a bit more than a week because of the miscarriage.”
“Wow.”
“we should probably do something about it when we get home tomorrow,” I whispered seductively in his ear.
Tony smirked, “We probably should, but now we sleep.”
I nodded and turned around again so I was facing away from Tony. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him, so I was touching his chest. I could feel his breath in my neck, making me immediately feel sleepy.
“Goodnight, my love. I love you.” He placed a kiss behind my ear.
“I love you too,” I mumbled and intertwined my hand with his.

----

The curtains were open wide as I woke up, brightly illuminating the room and creating a few shadows. I stretched out and saw that Tony was sitting hunched over at the end of the bed. I crawled over to him and moved my hands up his back and to his shoulder. He didn’t react.
“Baby, are you ok?” I asked him softly and kissed up and down his neck.
I looked over his shoulder and saw he had a gun, which he was holding tightly, in his lap. My eyes widened at the sight of it and I slowly backed away.
“Baby, why do you have a gun?” I asked in a more panicked tone.
“Why did you do it?” Tony said somberly.
“Do what?”
“You promised me you would tell me if you had these type of feelings!” His voice rose at the end of the sentence and he stood up, still holding the gun with his finger on the trigger.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He glared at my wrists and back up at me.
I saw tonnes of deep and shallow cuts scattered around both my wrists. When did this happen? How come I couldn’t feel anything? Why wasn’t I feeling pain! How the fuck did I do this!
“I- I- I don’t- I- I didn’t do this, I didn’t want to do this.” I stammered.
“Are you sure about that!”
I flinched at how loud Tony was shouting, he was honestly scaring me.
Tony slowly raised the gun and pointed it at his head, finger ready to pull the trigger any second. I looked down at my wrist, hoping to find something to say, but all I saw was more blood seeping out of the wounds as the seconds ticked by.
“You fucking dissapointed me! Why would you fucking do this! Why would you do this…” he started sobbing at the end and my own eyes watered.
I heard a loud bang and watched at Tony dropped to the floor, red liquid flowing out of his, creating a pool around him. I screamed as loud as I could and ran over to him.

Notes

Ok, I'm so sorry.