The New Member
The Detachement
Disclaimer: Could be triggering
Present Day
“So, Noortje. Since, you know, your best friends are guys, has anything ever happened?” The interviewer questioned in a suggestive voice.
“Umm… no? Why would that even— No, wait that’s a lie. No details given except for that it was a mistake. Wait, that sounds mean. I mean mistake as in we are better off friends.” I reasoned
The four guys to the left of me had large eyes and one started blushing a deep shade of red. Fans will probably try to figure out who it was, hell they’ll figure out just because of the blush on his face! All I knew was that it was part of me and that I wasn’t going to deny it nor lie about it.
I wasn’t going to tell anyone but he saved my life.
————
Past
I stared at the empty wall in front of me. A list was imprinted in my mind. There was a total of 7 things on the list; they were the reasons why I was considering this.
Reasons why I should die:
I look down at my arm. There are small droplets of water resting on it. I had started crying. I was sure I was losing my mind, I couldn’t even realise I was crying! I sat there for a few more minutes before walking over to my table with paint. I got out the red and black and slowly started smearing it on the far wall that was as plain as I was. A high pitched ringing sounded through my ears as I was screaming and crying, slamming my hands against the wall. I finally had no more energy left and I slid down the wall before falling asleep.
I woke up to a pounding headache and a clouded mind. What was I doing here? The memories filled my head again and I subconsciously made my way to the bathroom. Before I knew it I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror looking at a reflection that followed my moves but did not look like me at all. I was so confused. Was this reality? No, this must be a dream. I slapped myself across the face but didn’t seem to wake up. I looked at the razor I had left at the bathtub. Should I do it? I might as well. But no. No, this wasn’t a suicide attempt. This was just me in a dream, nothing is reality. I decided to prove myself right by smashing the razor of the sink. The blades dropped to the floor one by one if slow motion. It was such a pretty sight. Every time I reached the point in my dream I woke up. It would happen again. I picked up one of the delicate blades and twirled it in between my fingers, something I had mastered by twirling around pencils my whole career.
I put the blade to my skin and slowly dragged it along my arm. It wasn’t deep, it was just perfect. I was mesmerised by the beautiful red colour slowly pooling around the sensitive scratch. That’s when realisation set in. This wasn’t a dream. I didn’t wake up. I started panicking and threw the blade across the room. It clattered against the wall and dropped like a bird falling out of the sky. I had just betrayed myself. I promised I would never do this. I promised I would never let the demons let me hurt myself….
I promised I would never lose my mind.
I hurriedly grabbed the pills in the cabinet and emptied them out into my hand. I counted a total of 9 beautiful round miracles. i would never forgive myself for letting them win. I had to put myself out of misery, and this was my way out.
Way out. That sounded nice. I’ll be out of this place, I’ll be out of life, I’ll be out of reality, I’ll be the out of imagination.
I slowly raised my hand towards my mouth, ready to get over my fear of pills just to end it all.
The pills were shaken out of my hand by my phone ringing. I answered it, hoping it would be someone telling me this was all a dream and that it was all a bad dream. But no. The display showed it was just Vic.
“Hey” I said not trusting myself to talk louder than a whisper.
“Hey, Noortje. I was wondering… ummm… just wondering if you could come to my house and help me with something?” Vic rushed.
“Ok, I’ll see you there.” I quickly ended the call before I would burst out in tears again. He will never know about this.
-
Vic was in the process of moving out into a house with his girlfriend. They had been together for quite some time, and they decided it was time to make the next move and move in together. This meant Vic was able to leave this prison and move out into a nice neighbourhood. For me it meant no more hearing guitar through the walls, no more drunk guys coming into my apartment at 3 in the morning asking me to bake them my famous lemon cake. But most of all, it meant no more living right next to my best friend.
Over the past months I had been hanging out with the guys a lot more. I even joined their jamming sessions and made my own little contributions. I found out that Vic was also studying graphic design before he dropped out to pursue a music career. We instantly bonded over this, and I had someone who happily gave good criticism, not worrying to hurt my feelings. Somedays we would have sleepovers. I know it might sound silly sleeping at someone else place while you live just across the hall, but it just makes it so much more awesome. We would cuddle up on the couch with a blanket, popcorn, and the sappiest chick flick we could find. The nights would consist mostly of us complaining about the cheesiness of the movie and mocking the characters. The mornings after we would have popcorn all over. It would be stuck in our hair, stuffed in between the couch, and in extreme cases you would even find it in our underwear.
Tony and I bonded over our love for guitars and both being quiet and shy. It might not seem like the best thing to bond over, but we would often retreat to a different room when the others were getting to much and we would have the most heartfelt conversations ever. With Tony I was able to discuss things that I always only kept to myself over all the years. We understood each other and we didn’t judge. I really appreciated this about him. He was the person I felt like I could be completely myself around.
Jaime and Mike were a whole different story. Mike and I would often go out somewhere and just look at the girls. I didn’t mind talking about them and telling him which ones to go after. I wasn’t bisexual, but everyone has a little bit of gay in them. Jaime was fun to be around and could often cheer you up by barely doing anything. Our relationship was also built on the many pet peeves we had. Most people thought he was weird having so many pet peeves, and people thought i was crazy for the same reason. But together we were strong and stuck together. We got annoyed with people and had weird habits together.
-
I didn’t bother making myself look presentable. I’ll just tell him I just woke up after falling asleep at my easel or guitar workshop. As for the cut? If he notices it I will come up with an excuse. Its just one cut, it could just have easily been accidentally created by one of my tools for my guitars or by accidentally walking into something. I didn’t care if me eyes were red and puffy and my lips were crusty. I just didn’t care anymore.
I arrived at Vic’s house and rang the door bell. It was quite a nice house. It had two stories and a nice two car garage with a driveway for more cars. The house still looked like it had just been moved in, but that will probably change after a couple of weeks. The door opened and I was faced with a crying Vic.
“Hey, are you ok? What’s wrong?” I asked worriedly
“S-s-she is p-p-pregnant.” He replied
“Is that really that bad? I mean, think about all the good things. You’ll have your own mini me running around and—“
“Y-you didn’t l-let me finish. S-she’s p-p-pregnant with a-another man’s c-child”
“Oh my god. I’m so sorry Vic! What can I do to help?”
“Just you being here is fine”
After sitting on the couch comforting a crying Vic he at last stopped balling his eyes out and sat up. He looked me in the eyes and gave me a look. He opened his mouth before hesitating and deciding not to say anything. We sat in silence just looking at each other before he decided to speak up.
“You know what, Noortje? I’m just going to get over this. Of course I’ll be upset, but at least she told me and at least I won’t be living a lie the rest of my life.”
“That’s the spirit.” I mumbled and gave him a weak smile.
“Im going to get a beer, do you want some?”
“Um, yeah sure.”
“Ok,” he smiled before turning around again, “wait, you actually are going to drink something? But I thought you didn’t drink?”
“Oh, I don’t, but the least I could do is drink with my best friend who’s upset.”
In reality I just thought about wanting to get wasted and forget for a while. I just wanted to not feel for sometime. Plus, it would give Vic a good memory before I end my life tomorrow.
One beer quickly turned into two, which then turned into two bottles of vodka, half a bottle of whiskey, and other random liquors we found in the kitchen. Our words were badly slurred and we were giggling about the weirdest things.
“Y-your nose is f-funnnnnnny!” I blurted out.
“Hahahaha! Yoooouuuuuu are soooooo right! It is funny! Hahaha!” He cackled while clumsily trying to reposition himself on the couch.
We stared at each other longer with snickers in between until Vic gave me a serious face and said, “You know, you’re eyes are really pretty.”
I looked deeper into his eyes and went for it. I didn’t care, I was drunk as fuck and wasn’t able to control my actions. I crashed my lips against his and he immediately kissed me back, pushing my slowly onto my back. Hu pulled down my shirt just enough to place kisses on my collarbone, making me moan out. As much as I was enjoying it, I really missed the feeling of his lips on mine. I grabbed his hair and moved him back to my lips. For the time being I forgot the rape attempt that happened when I was 12. The last thing I remember was me wrapping my legs around his naked torso.
————
Present Day
I registered that I had zoned again and looked around.
“I’m sorry, can I just excuse myself for a second?” I inquired.
I didn’t bother waiting for the answer and walked out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom. I let the tears fall down freely. The memories I wished to suppress all came back, being thrown at me all at once. It was too much for me. I sat there crying for 5 minuted before deciding to go back, not wanting to worry anybody. The little makeup I had on was completely smeared. I couldn’t go back like this and I had all my makeup in the dressing room where we were being interview. Well, I’m taking this off, they can deal with it. I checked myself in the mirror again and looked like i had just woken up, and it was clear that I had just cried. But just as those many years ago, I did not care about making myself presentable.
Just for safety I walked past the vending machine and got three water bottles, to make it seem that was all I was doing. I walked back into the room like nothing happened and tossed a water bottle to Tony and Mike, keeping the last one for myself. I sat back down next to Vic and rested my head against his shoulder. He looked down at me and moved the microphone away from him.
He turned his head to he could whisper in my ear, “Are you ok?”
I just smiled up at him before murmuring in his ear “Yea, I’ll tell you later, ok?”
Yes, I had changed my mind. I was going to tell him. I had to tell him that he had saved my life.
Present Day
“So, Noortje. Since, you know, your best friends are guys, has anything ever happened?” The interviewer questioned in a suggestive voice.
“Umm… no? Why would that even— No, wait that’s a lie. No details given except for that it was a mistake. Wait, that sounds mean. I mean mistake as in we are better off friends.” I reasoned
The four guys to the left of me had large eyes and one started blushing a deep shade of red. Fans will probably try to figure out who it was, hell they’ll figure out just because of the blush on his face! All I knew was that it was part of me and that I wasn’t going to deny it nor lie about it.
I wasn’t going to tell anyone but he saved my life.
————
Past
I stared at the empty wall in front of me. A list was imprinted in my mind. There was a total of 7 things on the list; they were the reasons why I was considering this.
Reasons why I should die:
- I’m selfish leaving everybody behind.
- Everybody want everybody to be prettier, skinnier, and smarter. Which I am not at all.
- I’m falling apart more everyday. I soon won’t be able to be fixed at all. Why not end it now?
- I’m sick of people lying.
- I have been lost in thought too often. I will soon lose contact with the outside world. (It might already be too late)
- Dying means catching up on all the sleep I have lost.
- It’s the best way to know if I’m not dead already.
I look down at my arm. There are small droplets of water resting on it. I had started crying. I was sure I was losing my mind, I couldn’t even realise I was crying! I sat there for a few more minutes before walking over to my table with paint. I got out the red and black and slowly started smearing it on the far wall that was as plain as I was. A high pitched ringing sounded through my ears as I was screaming and crying, slamming my hands against the wall. I finally had no more energy left and I slid down the wall before falling asleep.
I woke up to a pounding headache and a clouded mind. What was I doing here? The memories filled my head again and I subconsciously made my way to the bathroom. Before I knew it I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror looking at a reflection that followed my moves but did not look like me at all. I was so confused. Was this reality? No, this must be a dream. I slapped myself across the face but didn’t seem to wake up. I looked at the razor I had left at the bathtub. Should I do it? I might as well. But no. No, this wasn’t a suicide attempt. This was just me in a dream, nothing is reality. I decided to prove myself right by smashing the razor of the sink. The blades dropped to the floor one by one if slow motion. It was such a pretty sight. Every time I reached the point in my dream I woke up. It would happen again. I picked up one of the delicate blades and twirled it in between my fingers, something I had mastered by twirling around pencils my whole career.
I put the blade to my skin and slowly dragged it along my arm. It wasn’t deep, it was just perfect. I was mesmerised by the beautiful red colour slowly pooling around the sensitive scratch. That’s when realisation set in. This wasn’t a dream. I didn’t wake up. I started panicking and threw the blade across the room. It clattered against the wall and dropped like a bird falling out of the sky. I had just betrayed myself. I promised I would never do this. I promised I would never let the demons let me hurt myself….
I promised I would never lose my mind.
I hurriedly grabbed the pills in the cabinet and emptied them out into my hand. I counted a total of 9 beautiful round miracles. i would never forgive myself for letting them win. I had to put myself out of misery, and this was my way out.
Way out. That sounded nice. I’ll be out of this place, I’ll be out of life, I’ll be out of reality, I’ll be the out of imagination.
I slowly raised my hand towards my mouth, ready to get over my fear of pills just to end it all.
The pills were shaken out of my hand by my phone ringing. I answered it, hoping it would be someone telling me this was all a dream and that it was all a bad dream. But no. The display showed it was just Vic.
“Hey” I said not trusting myself to talk louder than a whisper.
“Hey, Noortje. I was wondering… ummm… just wondering if you could come to my house and help me with something?” Vic rushed.
“Ok, I’ll see you there.” I quickly ended the call before I would burst out in tears again. He will never know about this.
-
Vic was in the process of moving out into a house with his girlfriend. They had been together for quite some time, and they decided it was time to make the next move and move in together. This meant Vic was able to leave this prison and move out into a nice neighbourhood. For me it meant no more hearing guitar through the walls, no more drunk guys coming into my apartment at 3 in the morning asking me to bake them my famous lemon cake. But most of all, it meant no more living right next to my best friend.
Over the past months I had been hanging out with the guys a lot more. I even joined their jamming sessions and made my own little contributions. I found out that Vic was also studying graphic design before he dropped out to pursue a music career. We instantly bonded over this, and I had someone who happily gave good criticism, not worrying to hurt my feelings. Somedays we would have sleepovers. I know it might sound silly sleeping at someone else place while you live just across the hall, but it just makes it so much more awesome. We would cuddle up on the couch with a blanket, popcorn, and the sappiest chick flick we could find. The nights would consist mostly of us complaining about the cheesiness of the movie and mocking the characters. The mornings after we would have popcorn all over. It would be stuck in our hair, stuffed in between the couch, and in extreme cases you would even find it in our underwear.
Tony and I bonded over our love for guitars and both being quiet and shy. It might not seem like the best thing to bond over, but we would often retreat to a different room when the others were getting to much and we would have the most heartfelt conversations ever. With Tony I was able to discuss things that I always only kept to myself over all the years. We understood each other and we didn’t judge. I really appreciated this about him. He was the person I felt like I could be completely myself around.
Jaime and Mike were a whole different story. Mike and I would often go out somewhere and just look at the girls. I didn’t mind talking about them and telling him which ones to go after. I wasn’t bisexual, but everyone has a little bit of gay in them. Jaime was fun to be around and could often cheer you up by barely doing anything. Our relationship was also built on the many pet peeves we had. Most people thought he was weird having so many pet peeves, and people thought i was crazy for the same reason. But together we were strong and stuck together. We got annoyed with people and had weird habits together.
-
I didn’t bother making myself look presentable. I’ll just tell him I just woke up after falling asleep at my easel or guitar workshop. As for the cut? If he notices it I will come up with an excuse. Its just one cut, it could just have easily been accidentally created by one of my tools for my guitars or by accidentally walking into something. I didn’t care if me eyes were red and puffy and my lips were crusty. I just didn’t care anymore.
I arrived at Vic’s house and rang the door bell. It was quite a nice house. It had two stories and a nice two car garage with a driveway for more cars. The house still looked like it had just been moved in, but that will probably change after a couple of weeks. The door opened and I was faced with a crying Vic.
“Hey, are you ok? What’s wrong?” I asked worriedly
“S-s-she is p-p-pregnant.” He replied
“Is that really that bad? I mean, think about all the good things. You’ll have your own mini me running around and—“
“Y-you didn’t l-let me finish. S-she’s p-p-pregnant with a-another man’s c-child”
“Oh my god. I’m so sorry Vic! What can I do to help?”
“Just you being here is fine”
After sitting on the couch comforting a crying Vic he at last stopped balling his eyes out and sat up. He looked me in the eyes and gave me a look. He opened his mouth before hesitating and deciding not to say anything. We sat in silence just looking at each other before he decided to speak up.
“You know what, Noortje? I’m just going to get over this. Of course I’ll be upset, but at least she told me and at least I won’t be living a lie the rest of my life.”
“That’s the spirit.” I mumbled and gave him a weak smile.
“Im going to get a beer, do you want some?”
“Um, yeah sure.”
“Ok,” he smiled before turning around again, “wait, you actually are going to drink something? But I thought you didn’t drink?”
“Oh, I don’t, but the least I could do is drink with my best friend who’s upset.”
In reality I just thought about wanting to get wasted and forget for a while. I just wanted to not feel for sometime. Plus, it would give Vic a good memory before I end my life tomorrow.
One beer quickly turned into two, which then turned into two bottles of vodka, half a bottle of whiskey, and other random liquors we found in the kitchen. Our words were badly slurred and we were giggling about the weirdest things.
“Y-your nose is f-funnnnnnny!” I blurted out.
“Hahahaha! Yoooouuuuuu are soooooo right! It is funny! Hahaha!” He cackled while clumsily trying to reposition himself on the couch.
We stared at each other longer with snickers in between until Vic gave me a serious face and said, “You know, you’re eyes are really pretty.”
I looked deeper into his eyes and went for it. I didn’t care, I was drunk as fuck and wasn’t able to control my actions. I crashed my lips against his and he immediately kissed me back, pushing my slowly onto my back. Hu pulled down my shirt just enough to place kisses on my collarbone, making me moan out. As much as I was enjoying it, I really missed the feeling of his lips on mine. I grabbed his hair and moved him back to my lips. For the time being I forgot the rape attempt that happened when I was 12. The last thing I remember was me wrapping my legs around his naked torso.
————
Present Day
I registered that I had zoned again and looked around.
“I’m sorry, can I just excuse myself for a second?” I inquired.
I didn’t bother waiting for the answer and walked out of the room and locked myself in the bathroom. I let the tears fall down freely. The memories I wished to suppress all came back, being thrown at me all at once. It was too much for me. I sat there crying for 5 minuted before deciding to go back, not wanting to worry anybody. The little makeup I had on was completely smeared. I couldn’t go back like this and I had all my makeup in the dressing room where we were being interview. Well, I’m taking this off, they can deal with it. I checked myself in the mirror again and looked like i had just woken up, and it was clear that I had just cried. But just as those many years ago, I did not care about making myself presentable.
Just for safety I walked past the vending machine and got three water bottles, to make it seem that was all I was doing. I walked back into the room like nothing happened and tossed a water bottle to Tony and Mike, keeping the last one for myself. I sat back down next to Vic and rested my head against his shoulder. He looked down at me and moved the microphone away from him.
He turned his head to he could whisper in my ear, “Are you ok?”
I just smiled up at him before murmuring in his ear “Yea, I’ll tell you later, ok?”
Yes, I had changed my mind. I was going to tell him. I had to tell him that he had saved my life.
Notes
This was quite a difficult chapter to write.
I hope this chapter makes a bit of sense.
-DSN
@Nickyvlxx
Hahaha, thank you. You can totally see how my writing has developed in this story; the first chapters are written so bad. I'm excited for our story as well.
4/10/16