The pact

When I screamed, it felt like I was rubbing the inside of my throat with sand paper. I sat up in my bed and dragged my hands over my face. I knew that within a few seconds my dad would come into my room and comfort me. It was what happened every single night. Sleeping was practically impossible for me because of the nightmares.
I took my hands back from my face and looked at them. They were wet of tears. The most horrible thing was that I was used to that sight. I was supposed to be safe now, but I still felt as unsafe as I did back in the shed.
The other thing that stood out about my hands nowadays was that my nails were bitten to bone. It was because days after getting home, I still had Leah’s blood underneath my nails. After while I was sure I started imagining it being under it, but I just kept biting to get the blood away.
And as I expected, my dad came into my room a few seconds later. He was obviously worried, but I could see that it was already getting a bit of a routine to him too.
He sat down at my bed and dragged me into his chest. I gladly accepted and trembled out the last bits of fear from the nightmare.
“It’s okay, Darling.” My dad said. “Everything is going to be alright.” He wasn’t even asking me if I was okay anymore. He just kind of assumed I wasn’t. Only now I realised how hard he was trying to help me. Before this my numb phase had blinded me. It still wasn’t entirely over but my conversation with Vic last night has helped me see the light a little bit.
Although I couldn’t help but think that I needed to run back to my numb nothingness. Letting go of that would actually mean dealing with the pain. And there was so much pain.
I held on to my dad a little tighter. “I want to go to school tomorrow.” I said to him.
He was silent for a while. “Are you sure about that? You can stay home for longer if you want to.” He said. His voice was cracking of exhaustion.
“It won’t help me to stay at home.” I said, but to be honest I didn’t really care about getting better anymore. I was going for Vic.
My dad raised his hand to trace my hair and then kissed the top of my head. “If that’s what you want, then it’s okay.” He said.
“Thank you, dad.” I said. “For everything.” I knew that I had to say that to him. He needed it.
My dad let go of me, kissed me on the cheek and tugged me in. “Go back to sleep, sweetheart. Tomorrow is a big day.” He said and then he left the room.
But I didn’t sleep again. I just stared to the ceiling until my alarm went off at seven. Staring at something gave me the calmness to gather my emotions and put them away. By now, that felt like filling a bottle of water that was almost full. Only a few drops and the water would spill over the edge.
Or maybe I was just staring at the ceiling because I had lost my mind. It was probably a mixture of both.
When the alarm went off, for a moment I didn’t know what to do. It felt weird going back to my normal routine of going to school. It felt like a life time away. To be honest, all I really wanted to do was get into bed again and do nothing. Like I had done for the last sixteen days. But I knew that I now had to break out of the routine.
I got out of bed and walked over to the bathroom and showered as long as I could. The warm drops felt good on my skin. After showering I walked over to my room and took out some random clothes out of the closet. I didn’t really care about what I looked like to be honest. Before all this I cared about what I looked like. My new style had gotten me very excited about dressing myself. Now it just felt like a stupid thing I used to get enthusiastic over.
After putting a minimal amount of make-up on my face I hurried downstairs and grabbed the phone without even looking at my mom. Ryan had taken my cell phone away in the shed so I had to use the house phone to call Jaime.
“Hello?” I heard the familiar voice of Jaime say.
“Hey Himes…it’s me.” I said trying to sound normal for the first time in days. But even trying to sound normal was hard for me.
“Luna?” he asked and he sounded confused but happy. Would he have missed me? Maybe I had been selfish to shut them out these last couple of weeks. I guess I had been.
“Yeah…” I said. “I’m going back to school today. Do you want to walk to school together?”
A short silence from the other side of the line followed. “Yeah, same place, same time?” he eventually said, obviously trying to hide the questions that had come to his mind. I was glad he hadn’t asked them. I wouldn’t have been able to answer them anyway.
“Yes, I’ll see you then. Bye” I said, suddenly so aware of how much I failed at sounding the same as before the kidnapping.
“Yeah. Bye.” He said and then he hung up.
I put down the phone again and sat down at the breakfast table. Something that felt really strange too. I had only eaten in my room the last days. My mom was staring at me, but I tried to ignore her. My mind wasn’t clear enough to think about whether I’d forgive her.
After breakfast I took up my bag from the corner of the hallway and walked out of the door without saying anything.
In the distance I saw Jaime standing at our usual bus stop. His casket was off now. Seeing him made me feel very guilty about the way I had been treating him and my other friends the last few weeks. He didn’t look the same either, he had been mourning too of course. And I hadn’t been there for him, while he was there for me all the time.
Although I felt sorry for him now, I wasn’t ready to help him right now. I was still to numb and pity might be the drop of water that made the bottle float over.
“Hey.” I said awkwardly and I flashed him a fake smile.
He smiled back at me but his smile was way more sincere than mine. “Hey.” He said. “So you wanna explain why you decided not to be a zombie anymore?” and we started walking.
I chuckled. “I wasn’t getting any better. So I figured the sitting in my room didn’t work.” I said.
“Well I’m just glad you’re back, Luna. I’ve missed you a lot.” He said. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t back yet. That the old me was still buried deep somewhere. But I just couldn’t ruin his good mood.
“Does anyone even know you’re coming back today?” Jaime asked and I shook my head.
“No. Vic asked me to come to school again and if I’m totally honest with you, that’s one of the reasons I came back, but he doesn’t even know I agreed to get back.” I said.
Jaime nodded and smiled. “That will be a happy surprise for him, I guess.” He said
The rest of the walk Jaime mostly lead the conversation. Sometimes I joined in, but I had to do great effort to. But Jaime didn’t seem to care about it. He was just thankful things were going back to normal again.
From the moment we entered school grounds, everyone started staring at me. I had already been expecting that. I mean, of course it was a big thing that had happened. But at least the people at my school tried to stare secretly at me now. Back when I had broken the pact no one really tried the hide the fact that they were staring.
I tried to act like I didn’t see people whispering and pointing at me and found myself dreaming away again, like usual. My zombie phase wasn’t over. I was just a zombie being forced inside the world of the living again.
Jaime set off to his locker and I did the same. When walking the halls I suddenly noticed that Leah’s locker was covered with pictures, messages and flowers. I walked over to it and the people surrounding the locker backed away so I could get through. They were all looking at me like I would break into a million pieces at any time. And maybe I would.
I looked at the locker. In the middle of it, Leah’s school picture was glued to the locker and it was surrounded by daisy’s glued around it. Around that, people had written messages around them with black marker. It looked beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but I wondered if this what she would’ve wanted. I mean, she hated pictures of her, especially her school picture.
“She hated that picture.” I suddenly heard Vic say from behind me. He chuckled, but it sounded sort of sad.
I glanced over at him, but then looked back at the picture. “Yeah, she wouldn’t have wanted this.” I said calmly trying to contain any emotion once again.
“I don’t know.” Vic said to my surprise. I looked over at him and he shot me a comforting smile. “She wanted people to stop fighting each other at this school. I think she would’ve liked that people were writing her messages instead of fighting. She would’ve found it worth the ugly picture, I guess.”
To be honest, I didn’t want to think about this topic anymore. In my house I had been safe from unexpected things like this. I could protect myself against the memories in my room. Now I needed to avoid them at all costs. I just couldn’t break down.
I shrugged and walked over to my own locker. Vic followed me to it and we walked over to chemistry together.
It was weird being in class again. It was like I didn’t belong in it anymore. But to be honest, my whole life felt like I didn’t belong in it anymore.
Vic was shooting me concerned looks all the time. He probably also thought I could fall into pieces any time, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. I wondered if he knew I was here because of him.

Vic’s POV
I couldn’t believe she was here again. The last two weeks were complete torture for me. Of course I was happy to have her back, but she hadn’t been herself anymore at all. Seeing her slip away like that was awful. And then of course she wasn’t there with me through the mourning process for Leah. Which I was still in I guess.
I mean, I understand why she is this way and that I need to have patience, but it was like I had only a part of her back. I wasn’t going anywhere, though. I was going to be here for her. I knew she was probably feeling worse than I did right now and I needed to put my emotions aside for hers until she felt better.
God, I really loved this girl. I have known that for a long time already, but it only really hit me in the face when she was suddenly ripped out of my life. I felt like I couldn’t normally function without her. She was the other half of me.
I heard the bell ring, indicating it was lunch break. I picked up my math books from my table and rushed out of the classroom to the classroom Luna was having her class right now. When she came out of the door she shot me a weak smile and then started to walk towards the cafeteria. My heart broke a little, but I tried to convince myself that she didn’t act so cold because of me.
I caught up with her and we walked in silence towards the cafeteria. When we entered it, I saw Mike, Jaime and Tony already stand at their usual spot. They shot us a smile when they saw us, but they slowly faded when they saw that Luna didn’t smile back. She was just weirdly staring in front of her, her face emotionless.
To be honest, I haven’t seen a real emotion on her face since she screamed at the crime scene. That moment had repeated over and over in my head again. The way she had screamed…It was so intense, I wondered if she had seen Leah get killed. I couldn’t imagine what that must’ve felt like.
“Hey Luna.” Mike said dragging her into a hug. He was obviously very happy to see her. So was Tony obviously. He hugged her too and saw real happiness on their faces for the first time in weeks. She had meant a lot to them and I knew it.Our group just wasn’t complete without Luna and having her back was like the pieces all fell into place again. She at the other hand, had cringed at the contact of the hugs.
“So, how is school again?” Jaime asked.
Luna shrugged. I was wondering if she was going to give us an honest answer. “Boring like always.” She said.
As I expected it was a short, emotionless answer. Two weeks had past and we still didn’t know anything about what had happened to her and Leah. Ryan, Justin and Peter still weren’t found yet and Luna refused to talk. I get why she didn’t do it, but she had to. She was going to explode like this. And besides that, we needed answers, so we could move on.
“More boring than sitting at home?” Jaime asked grinning. Luna shot him a smile, but she obviously couldn’t really laugh about the joke.
“At least I didn’t need to go to math class when I was at home.” She said, a weak attempt to make a joke. Every one of us laughed, but it was all a bit uncomfortable. I knew exactly why that was. We hadn’t talked things out. We all had been through things and we needed to let them out. Normally I wasn’t a big fan of that either, but it was unavoidable right now.
Mike put his hand on Luna’s shoulder. She jumped scared a little, but didn’t refused it. “It’s going to be okay, Luna. We’ll help you through these first few days at school.” He said and it surprised me that he had said that. Maybe he just like me figured out only how much he cared about his friend since she had disappeared out of his life.
Luna just shrugged, but I was pretty sure I saw a flash of emotion in her eyes. “I’ll be fine.” She just said and Mike let down his hand. He looked at me with a hurt impression, but I just shook my head. I didn’t know what to do either. She didn’t want to be helped. All I knew is that I had to stay by her side.
A way too long silence followed. I could feel all of us trying to think of another topic to stop the silence.
Eventually it was Tony breaking the silence. “We were going to have a band practice this afternoon. Want to join us?” he asked and he looked way calmer than the rest of us.
What? We didn’t have band practice at all this afternoon…What did he…oh. He was trying to make her open up by moving the conversation to a more private setting.
A short flash of doubt covered Luna’s features. “I don’t think so, Turtle. I’m sorry.” She said.
Tony didn’t look hurt. He just smiled a reassuring smile. “Luun, It will be good for you. When was the last time you heard music?” Tony asked.
Luna opened her mouth and then closed it again. If Luna hadn’t listened to music, then something was really wrong.
“That’s what I mean.” Tony said. “It will be like therapy for you. Just trust me.”
Luna sighed and looked down at her feet. She looked so small and broken. I just wanted to hold her and glue every piece of her broken soul back together.
“I’m fine, Tony. I just want to go home.” She said, not looking up.
“I won’t take no for an answer. Wait for us at your locker after school.” Tony said. Luna looked up and seemed ready to protest, but she was interrupted by the bell.
When I was walking back to class, my mind kept wondering back to the conversation during lunch break. I hoped Tony’s plan was going to work. It would be typically Luna to just not show up and walk home. Or to not open up at all.
I couldn’t imagine holding in everything she has been through. Even I had talked to people about Leah’s dead and I was never someone to burden people with my problems. And she had been through way more than me. Maybe she was just doing it because of that…because dealing it would be way too painful. I could understand that, but we needed answers. The questions were killing me. What had they done to her? What had they done to Leah? Scenarios had played in my mind a lot. Some more horrible than others.
Besides, she needed to deal with her problems in order to get better. I wanted her back and I would do everything for it.

Tony’s POV
I was sitting in the back of the English classroom. I always felt so small in this class. I don’t know why, but somehow I had earned enough credit last year in English, so that I could join eleventh grade English. I was small for my age, so I seemed a bit like a toddler in this class.
In the beginning of the year I always sat in the front of class, but as the year went on I earned my place in the back so I could blend in to the background a little bit more.
I took my Walkman out of my backpack and put Blink-182’s album ‘Enema of the state’ on. The sound of ‘Dumpweed’ filled my ears. I loved this album way more than I loved school, so the choice between paying attention and listening to Blink was easily made.
I glanced over to Luna’s spot. She was sitting on the left of the class, next to the window and she was looking out of it.
She was definitely not herself anymore, but anyone with eyes could notice that. She was way more quiet than normal, she tried too hard to contain any kind of emotion and she was scared all the time. I guess that was the emotion that was the hardest to cover up. She jumped at any physical contact and looked behind her all the time. It made me wonder what Ryan and his minions had done to her. Although part of me didn’t really want to know.
She was not the only one changed by all of this though. Jaime was mentally absent a lot lately, liking he was drifting off in his thoughts. Mike was softer and suddenly very afraid to hurt anyone. It didn’t fit him, he always used to say exactly what he thought. Well and Vic, Vic was just panicked and confused all the time. I suspected him of going back to self-harm, but I had nothing to actually prove it.
I guess the death of Leah had been hard on all of us and unconsciously we were drifting apart. I loved my spot in the background, being the unnoticeable one, but I needed to do something now so I wouldn’t lose my friends. I needed them, I just couldn’t go back to being all alone again.
By the time ‘All the small things’ was on, the bell rang. Ugh, school just ruined one of my favourite songs ever.
I stood up and walked my usual walk to my locker. I put my books in my bag slightly head banging to ‘all the small things’. I put off my Walkman when I was walking towards Luna’s locker. She was just putting books in it when I arrived.
I leaned at the locker next to hers and she quickly looked my way and then back at her books. “So are you coming?” I said.
“according to you I have no choice.” She said raising her eyebrows. She closed her locker and faced me. The numbness that was on her features shocked me.
“Okay good. It’s going to be fun.” I said and tried to make her more enthusiastic about it.
“I doubt it.” She mumbled, but I acted like I hadn’t heard it.
Jaime, Mike and Vic arrived a few seconds later and we started walking towards my house. Things were so awkward since Luna was back. It had been awkward before that too, but now it had reached its highlight. Luna and Vic didn’t even look at each other, let along touch each other, which felt unnatural by now. Jaime wasn’t filling the awkward silences with jokes. And Mike wasn’t trying to involve everyone in the conversation.
Being the awkward turtle that I am, I really didn’t know what the fuck I could do about it.
When we arrived at my house we set up the instruments without barely saying a word. Luna said down against the wall, but the enthusiasm that was most of the time on her face, wasn’t anywhere to be seen now.
We played some covers from Blink-182 and we did ‘beat it’ a few times. It lacked the same kind of passion and enthusiasm as usual, but I think it went alright. It was just weird without Leah being here jumping around the room.
After we finished beat it, the same tension filled the room again. Luna said nothing and just stared into nothing. Although she didn’t look much better now, I knew the music had helped a little. I saw a little spark in her eyes when we were playing.
I really hoped she was going to get better soon, because I was very sensitive and I could almost feel her pain. I always suffered when people around me did.
“It’s weird, huh? Her not being here?” Jaime said, like he had read my mind.
“It doesn’t feel the same.” Mike said, standing up from his drums and throwing the drumsticks in a near jar.
“I miss her.” I said and it kind of felt like my words had stabbed everyone in the chest.
“Who doesn’t?” Vic said while he was staring at Luna. For some reason I had the feeling his statement had a double meaning. Luna dragged her hands over her face, practically the most movement that she had done in the last hour. For a moment I thought she was going to cry with her head in her hands, but when she took away her hands the same bored expression appeared on her face.
When I looked around the group I saw that everyone was keeping an eye on her. I guess we just didn’t want to lose another friend. Maybe we already had, I don’t know.
No Tony. Get yourself together. You’re always thinking the worst. Get a little positivity! Easier said than done, though.
Vic sighed and kneeled down next to Luna. “Luna…” he started, but she interrupted him by saying: “I’m not going to open up.”
We all looked a little surprised at her statement. “Yeah, I know what you’re guys are doing. I appreciate the effort, but I’ll be okay.” She said not looking at any of us.
Vic slowly reached out a hand towards her right shoulder. What she did shocked us all. She jumped scared and backed away from him.
It was not Vic. It were the traumas. She had traumas of being touched. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like to be afraid of someone touching you.
There was a shot of hurt visible in Vic’s eyes and he moved his hand away from her. Luna’s eyes were filled with sadness for a little while.
“Luna, you’re not okay.” Jaime said. “You need to talk about it.”
“no, I don’t.” she said shortly and she wrapped her arms around her knees. It was like she was trying to make herself emotionless again. Apparently, this had shocked her just as much as us.
“It will help.” Jaime said.
“No, it won’t. You guys don’t understand.” She said.
“Yeah, that’s because you don’t tell us anything.” Mike said with as much patience as he had, but it was a little obvious that he had not much left anymore. I didn’t think Luna noticed though.
She remained quiet and looked the other way. I was dying to know what was happening in her head.
“We do sort of understand, Luna.” Vic said. “We’ve lost her too.”
“But you didn’t see her die, didn’t you?” she said and her words pierced through the air. They stabbed me in my heart. Secretly I had hoped she hadn’t seen it. I hadn’t had much hope though. She looked bitchy at us, but her lips were trembling from the effort she was making to keep everything together
“No, we didn’t.” I said softly. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
She shrugged. “Sorry doesn’t make her live again. I want to stop talking about this.” She said coldly. I had never seen her like this. She was never cold, never to me anyway. I felt a bit hurt because of it. It always used to be so nice to be around her, because she had such a warm personality. It helped sooth my negative thoughts.
“We just want you back.” I said and I felt like I was on the edge of crying. Fuck. I hadn’t cried for years.
She looked at me and stood up. She walked towards me and stood still in front of me. Her face held an angry yet sad expression. “That girl is dead!” she yelled and I felt the desperation in her voice. “That girl you want back. The happy, upbeat Luna is dead! She has been killed just like Leah’s body!”
I finally felt a tear fall from my eyes. It felt like every worry of the last few days had been rushing back to me and were thrown at my face. This was my moment of explosion.
Luna looked around the group and said: “You guys better get used to that.” And then she walked out of the garage.
I looked towards the boys. Every single one of them seemed more broken than ever. I think it was because we believed her. We weren’t going to get the friend back that we once had.
Then I broke down. It was just too much for me suddenly. Years I had suffered my problems in silence, but after all that had happened, losing a friend and partly losing another, I just couldn’t keep the tears away anymore.
So I sobbed out while the other boys made their way over to comfort me.

Notes

heyeyeyeey,

So...what do you guys think? Poor Tony though. i want to hug him...which is a bit weird because i wrote this myself XD.

The next chapter is going to be quite different than the rest. I'm actually sort of enthusiastic to write it! but I woin't spoil anything ;) wahahaha I feel powerful holding back so much information.

btw i want to thank you guys for the amazing comments. <3 they are so beautiful I almost cried at a few of them. I'm so grateful for this small group of readers.

xxx
Nicky