The pact

Casey’s POV
Was this my fault? Could I have done something to prevent it?
These are normally the questions that echo through my mind when something happens to someone I love. I know that sounds weird. I just like to know that I have done everything I could do to make sure everyone around me is happy. Even when I knew there was nothing I could do, I still had the feeling I hadn’t done enough. Like I don’t deserve the love of the people around me. The only person who knew about this was Luna and she regularly told me things weren’t my fault. But the stubborn person I was, I just couldn’t believe her. I didn’t think I was ever able to.
And yet again, I was lying on a matrass in Vic’s room, not able to sleep, because the voices in my head were telling me that it was all my fault.
‘You could’ve called her’ one said. ‘yeah, you would at least have known what was going on in her life. But you had to be selfish and not talk to her’ another one said.
I held my hands to my ears, in an attempt to block them out. But you can’t block the voices in your head out. Because they are part of you.
‘You stupid, disgusting piece of shit.’ The first one said. ‘because of you she’s gone. If she is dead, it’s because of you.’
“Shut up.” I whispered loudly. Screaming to them in my head didn’t work, so maybe they would listen to me if I talked out loud. I didn’t put my hopes up to high, I knew these voices better than I knew my own mother. They had been with me for ages.
I looked over to the clock on the wall. Only two am. I couldn’t sleep like this and I knew that. They would keep me awake for hours. I needed a distraction. I couldn’t wake Vic up, the poor lad was getting too little sleep already and I knew he had an incredibly rough time.
I threw away the covers from my body and pushed myself in a sitting position. All I just wanted to do was sleep right now, but I knew I didn’t deserve that. They told me so at least.
I stretched out my legs, which was hard because I was so tired, and stood up from the bed. If I’d be very quiet, I could go outside for a while. Maybe it helped, it needed to, otherwise I’d have a panic attack. When I had panic attacks, I always had a lot in a row and that couldn’t happen right now. My mind needed to be on other things.
I tried to walk down the stairs as silently as possible. The stairs screeched a little, but I didn’t think they were too loud. The last thing I wanted was to wake up the people that were so kind to take in a kid that they didn’t even know. I owed them for that.
I walked through the living room and the kitchen over to the back door and unlocked it with the key that was still in the lock. When the door opened I felt the cold, sharp air creep in and I instantly felt better. When I stepped into the dark air, the wind hurt my skin, but it didn’t feel bad. It was weird how this place was incredibly warm during the day and ice cold during the night. I liked the weather from Bristol better. It’s predictable, never too cold and never too warm.
I closed the door behind me and walked over to the wooden bench that was placed just before the window. I crossed my arms over my chest as I sat down.
I looked around the garden as a distraction. It was a simple small garden. There was a wooden fence build around the place and the ground was completely covered in grass, except for the ground under the bench, which was covered with stone bricks. In the corner of the fence stood a small wooden shed. From over here I could see the bikes that were placed in it. Next to the shed was an old slide placed. It looked like it hadn’t been used for ages.
I sighed. I already felt the voices creep back in my mind. I was foolish to think that I could run from them. Certainly after all that happened the past days.
I didn’t think people knew I felt this way. Yeah, maybe Luna, but she didn’t know everything about me either. There was this place in my brain, so dark and so shut off, which nobody knew off. I didn’t know why. I’ve always been a secretive person I guess. Although I wasn’t ashamed of my eating disorder and my self-harm problems, I didn’t know how to talk to people about the deepest feelings I had. Maybe I didn’t think anyone understood. Sometimes I thought I was the only person who felt things this intense, although I knew that wasn’t true.
I put my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. Stop. Fucking. Talking. To. Me. you. Fucking. Cunts.
I shook my head, but how do you shake something like that off? I knew these moments. This was going to last for a while and there was nothing I could do about it.
“Are you alright?” I heard someone say from behind me. I didn’t have to turn around to know who’s voice it was. I turned around to see Mike standing in the door post, wearing batman pyjama’s.
He was the last person I wanted to see right now. I knew I had no right to be mad at him. We had discussed this before I had left to England. We were only fun, we would kiss and hang out, but that’s it. Maybe deep inside, I hoped he would’ve asked Luna my number and called me. Which was weird, normally it was easy for me to separate just fun and love, but in this case the line between these two were completely blurred. I didn’t wanted to talk to him until I had a clue of what I wanted.
“What are you doing here?” I asked a little bit bitchy and completely ignoring his question.
He walked past me and sat down next to me on the bench. “I heard someone walk on the stairs. When I looked out of the window, I saw you sit here. Are you okay?”
His eyes looked worrying. Stop doing that dickhead. Stop making me believe that you actually give a shit about me.
“I’m fine.” I said through my teeth and I look away. He needed to be pushed away. He had too much effect on me.
“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked. Why was he still trying? Normal people would’ve walked away and leave me alone by now.
I nodded my head, still staring at the floor. I was afraid that if I looked at him, I would be nice to him again and I wasn’t ready to forgive him yet.
“Me neither.” He said and in the corner of my eyes I saw him scoop a little closer to me. “I haven’t been able to in a while. Just to many thought, you know?”
I don’t need to also feel bad for you now. I have my own problems, please fuck off.
I kept quiet and so did he. I think I had him now, he would go away now. It was obvious now that I didn’t want to talk.
Suddenly I felt him taking my hand, that was on my lap, in his. His hands felt big and protective around my small hands. I knew I had to resist now, but I couldn’t. I just needed human affection now. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be fine. Normally that someone was Luna. Was he that person right now? Was he capable of being that person?
Slowly I dared to turn around and look at him. He had his fixed his eyes on mine. “It’s going to be alright, Casey. We’re going to find her I promise.”
I let out a breath out of relieve and the voices in my head grew a little more silent. I wasn’t able to be mad at him, not right now, because I needed him to comfort me.
I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him in a hug. He hugged me back his hands protectively around my back.
I rested my head on his shoulder and for the first time ever, I was happy I had broken my stubbornness. Although, the thought that I was maybe be burdening him with my problems occurred to me, that was also a thought that regularly took over my mind.
I let go of him and look down at my hands again. “Thank you.” I whispered.
“No problem.” Mike said. “Definitely not for you.”
I furrowed my eyebrows. What the hell did he mean with that?
“I’m sorry, Casey. I know you’re mad at me. I’m sorry. I fuck up everything, I know that.” He blurted out and I was shocked by his sincere words.
“It’s okay.” I said, sounding emotionless. “It was nothing anyway.”
“It’s was something. If it makes you upset, than it’s not okay.” He said softly. “I will do everything to make you happy again.”
I looked up again and looked him in the eyes. He seemed sincere, but I couldn’t believe that. I could not let myself believe that he cared for me.
“I’m in love with you, Casey.” He said, his voice shook and his hands were too. He was obviously nervous.
The words hit me like balls always hit my face during PE class. “I don’t believe you.” I said. “You didn’t even call me when I got back in England.” Why was he messing with me like this? I couldn’t deal with this right now! This would mess me up more.
He looked down at his hands. “I didn’t realize it back then.” He said softly. It was weird to see him like this. Normally he was so outgoing and funny. I guess we had that in common. “And I thought you didn’t want me to call you. You made perfectly clear that it was just fun and nothing more.”
I placed the index fingers of both my hands against my temples and closed my eyes. “I know, I shouldn’t have been mad at you for that. I didn’t call you either.” I said. To be honest, I couldn’t handle this conversation right now, but we needed to have it sometime and who knows how long I could stay in America. I had already dodged three days of school. How much more until I got expelled?
“Was that why you’re were mad at me?” He asked a bit confused. “Why? I don’t get it.”
I sighed, opened my eyes and lowered my hands again. “It was supposed to be just fun, Mike. I don’t know why it became more.”
He took both my hands in his and forced me to look at him. A smile was visible on his face and his eyes looked comforting. I felt my breath slowly calm down. Why was I making such a problem of this? He made me happy. Why didn’t I let him in?
“We can be fun AND more.” He said and his face grew into a smirk. I laughed, this why I liked him. There was this serious side to him, but also a fun side, a bit like me I guess.
I knew that this was going to be hard, and we definitely needed to talk about how to do this, but now wasn’t the time. Now was the time to forget our problems with each other.
I nodded. “Yeah, I’d like that. That sounds amazing.” I said and then I leaned in, kissing him on the lips. He kissed me back and even though there were certain thoughts that disagreed what I did, they seemed further away than before.
When we pulled back, I decided to ask something I remembered from the last time I was here. It might’ve not been the best time, but maybe it was the perfect time.
“Have you been with any girls since me?” I asked. It seemed like a weird question if you didn’t know about our previous conversations.
He raised an eyebrow. “I kissed one, but it wasn’t the same as before anymore.”
“So you are still a virgin?” I asked. On the party at new year’s eve, Mike and me had talked a long time about various things, one thing was him being a virgin. We were both very drunk, but I knew that we both remembered it very well.
I remembered it, because it caught me with surprised. He was quite a player and had broken a lot of hearts. I figured he had lost the V- card by now.
But I guess back then I forgot that he was only fifteen years old. He seemed so much older. Just the way he spoke and moved made him seems years older.
He also told me that he wanted to safe it for the first girl he’d fall in love with. And if I had understood correctly, he had told me he loved me.
I knew it probably wasn’t the right time and we weren’t even officially together, but there just wasn’t much time. I could need to go home at any moment or worse, something would happen to one of us. Right now, this possibility was big.
This guy was special to me and I wanted to show that to him. And I wanted to be special to him. Being the first one to be with him in such a way was appealing to me.
His eyes went big and I saw him swallow something away. He nodded and answered: “Yes. I’ve been waiting for you.”
I smiled and my cheeks filled up with heat. This was exactly what I needed to hear. “You don’t have to wait for me anymore. I’m right here.” I said and I raised my hand, stroking his cheek.
He was shaking and I was wondering if it was because of the nerves or if he was turned on. Probably a mix of both. I stood up from the bench and sat down at his lap with my face facing him. He looked at me with so much happiness, that I knew I had made the right decision.
I bend my head towards his and kissed him again. He answered quickly and I slowly made the kiss more passionate. I didn’t want to rush things. A first time shouldn’t be rushed. It should be slow and beautiful.
When I pulled back, I placed a kiss on his jaw and leaned towards his ear. “Take me upstairs.” I whispered.
I leaned back and looked at his face. It went from shock, to a smile. That very sexy smile that I was familiar with. That smile made me weak.
“With pleasure.” He answered grinning. I smiled back. I was happy he was keeping it light. Making too much of a serious thing out of it would ruin the fun of it. I leaned in again and touched his lips again, my heart beating like crazy and my skin burning as never before.

Luna’s POV
“Drink up baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do
You won't but you might
The potential you'll be
That you'll never see
The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now
And forget all about
The pressure of days
Do what I say
And I'll make you okay
And drive them away
The images stuck in your head

People you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there
With your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time
And I'll make you mine
Keep you apart,
Deep in my heart
Separate from the rest,
Where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot

The people you've been before
That you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still”

I was slowly singing ‘between the bars’ by Eliot Smith. I don’t know why I was singing it. Maybe it was because I felt like I was behind bars. I might not have been in a cage, but I was locked up.
I was singing it softly, almost whispering. There was no one else here, but it was everything that came out of my throat. That was because of dehydration and exhaustion. Plus I still had the piece of fabric in my mouth.
The song gave me some sort of comfort. Not only did it have a comforting melody, it was also the lyrics that kept me holding on. It was like I was singing to myself that everything was going to be alright.
Although I didn’t really believe that anymore. I had given up all hope. Everything inside me was empty. I was just a shell, my breath was the only sign that I was alive. I was never going to get out of this hell. Maybe I already was dead and this was hell. It would make sense. In that case I needed to make myself up for an eternity in here. It also made kind of sense that Ryan was in my personal hell and the fact that I felt like I was still alive made it worse too. Because it was mainly the hope that was eating me. Hope brought only disappointment.
This was my fifth day in here. It doesn’t sound like much when you put it that way, but the hours stretched on for long. Too long. All I did was sit on this chair. I hadn’t moved since. I hadn’t eaten. All I did was go crazy, get numb, get hope and be beaten up again.
Even though I could look outside by a small window and see what time of the day it was, I still had lost all sense of time. Sometimes it seemed longer until it was night than other times.
When I got to the end of the songs I suddenly heard footsteps. I sat up a little straighter and put up my brave face. Whether I was death or alive, I would never show them that I was scared. They fed on fear.
The weird thing was, that it sounded like one pair of feet walking and not three. Maybe Ryan came alone? It wasn’t even their usual time to look for me. From the light outside, I guessed it was just morning. Normally they came in the afternoon or the evening.
The footsteps stopped in front of the shed. The person stood still for a while and then started pulling the door until they discovered it wouldn’t open. “Shit.” I heard someone mumble from outside. I couldn’t hear who it was. Maybe Ryan had forgotten the keys to the chains on the door.
“Luna?!” I heard the person from outside scream. “Luna, are you in there?” It was Leah. Holy fuck. She actually found me.
I tried to talk back to her, but then remembered I remembered I still had the piece of fabric in my mouth. So I just screamed as hard as I could with that thing in my mouth. I started moving in my chair, just to make noise. I had very little energy, but the thought of getting out of here soon made the last drops of energy flow in extra speed through my body.
“Holy shit you are!” Leah said, her voice filled with panic. I heard her curse a few time as I assume she was looking for a way to get in. I heard her rumbling through stuff and I wanted to help her, but there was nothing I could do.
I looked around the room and then my eyes fixated on the window. It was high, higher than my height, but if she could find something to climb on, she could come through the window. It was definitely big enough.
“Leah, window!” I tried screaming, but my words were not understandable. “Leah, window!”
I heard the rumbling stop for a moment. “Luna, I can’t understand you. Is something wrong?” the panic was still in here voice. She spoke an entire octave higher than usual.
“Leah, Window!” I said again and this time I concentrated on making it as understandable as I could with that disgusting thing in my mouth. I didn’t know if I succeeded.
Apparently I did, because she said: “Window?! Is there a window?”
I yelled back in agreement, almost crying of relieve. I was going nuts, I was so close to freedom, I could almost smell it. Every nerve in my body told me to get the fuck out of here, but I was entirely useless.
I heard the footsteps walk from behind the front door to next to me and I followed the sound. Threw the small cracks between pieces of wood, I could see someone walking. I even thought I saw a piece of bright red hair. Only seeing that part made the relieve wash over me. My normal life and the people I cared about seemed so far away for so long.
The sound of footsteps stopped when they reached the window. “Uhm, how am I going to get there?” She said. “Oh wait!” I heard her run to the distance and for a split second I thought she had run away on me. But then I heard her walk back to the shed. I heard a smack, she obviously put something underneath the window.
Then I heard the bending of plastic, she was standing on whatever she had put there. “Look out, Luna.” She said, surprisingly focused. “I’m going to throw a brick through the window.”
When I looked to the window I saw the tip of Leah’s red hair and then I saw the brick fly through the window. it ended up a few inches away from my chair. To be honest, I wouldn’t have cared if it had hit me, I just wanted to get out of here.
Then I saw the small and skinny body of Leah climb through the window, first her head then the rest of her body. She landed on a wooden, not steady looking desk and then jumped on the ground.
At first she stood there and she just stared at me. I could only imagine how shocking it must’ve been to see me like this. I could only imagine how horrible I looked.
Then she snapped out of it and ran over to me. The first thing she did was throwing her arms around me and hug me. I sobbed tears of relieve on her shoulder. “I’m so happy you’re okay, Luna.”
She let me go and untied the piece of fabric on my mouth. When it was off, I caught my breath. It was weird having it off of for the first time in days, when they let me drink they had left it on. It had felt like a part of my body by now. I raised my hands to trace the corners of my mouth, they felt soar.
“Thank you, Leah.” I said with my pathetic, husky voice.
“Thank me later, we need to get you out of here before they come back.” Leah said as she walked over to the back of my chair and started to pull the ropes I was tied in. I could feel that she had no idea of what she was doing. She just pulled in panic. “I can’t get them off.”
I looked through the room. There had to be something sharp in here. They had used sharp things on me all the time. “There!” I said, gesturing with my head towards the desk on my left when I spotted the saw that had been here since day one. They hadn’t used it to torture me, but I had been afraid they would all the time.
Leah rushed over to the desk and took the saw of the desk. She walked back to my chair and stood still in a moment, thinking of how to do this. “Be very still, Luna.” She said. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
You’d be the first in days, I thought. She started to saw through my ropes and they came of very easily. I moved my arms and felt my muscles hurt when I did so, they weren’t used to movement anymore. I quickly stood up from my chair in utter happiness, but my legs weren’t used to carry me anymore and I felt down on the ground.
“Luna!” Leah screamed out and she walked over to me. She helped me up, but when we were standing we had no idea what to do. We couldn’t open up the door without the key. So we had to go through the window again.
I leaned on Leah as she was walking me towards the desk. She helped me up the desk and climbed up next to me. I was surprise the rotten piece of wood, could hold us both.
I started to climb through the window, but it took a while for me, because of the lack of energy and my stiff joints.
We were so caught up in the climbing that we didn’t hear the footsteps come closer to the shed. We didn’t hear the key inside lock, but even if we did, there was nothing we could do anymore.
The door flew open and before I could realise what was happening Leah was swung off the desk and threw on the ground by Justin and Peter. I let out a screech, but the rest of my body refused to do something, pure out of shock.
“You bitch!” Ryan said as he came closer to Leah, whose face was covered with pain. She just lay on the ground grabbing her stomach. “You shouldn’t have done that. You’re going to regret that. In fairy tales the hero may always win, but this is real life. The hero never wins.” His voice only was torture for me. It gave the rest of my body a sign to be afraid.
Ryan gestured to Justin and Peter and nodded. They nodded back and started to beat and kick her. I screamed again, but I didn’t seem to exist to them anymore. Panic filled me up as I heard the awful screams come out of Leah’s mouth. I couldn’t see anything happen, but her screams were piercing through my soul. I never heard screams with more panic and fear in them.
Suddenly realised I stood still in shock. I had to do something! I jumped of the desk, luckily not falling again and I ran towards the boy kicking in on her. I jumped on Peter’s back, my arms around his neck and I pulled him back. But he was so much stronger than me, even with the adrenaline in my veins. His adrenaline was working now too of course. He simply shook me off and I fell on the ground. I didn’t need a long time to get up, the cracks and smacks that were heard from Leah’s body were enough for me to get up soon. Ryan had joined the beating now too.
I ran back to the crowd of people and tried to push myself through it, but again, I was pushed back, this time by Justin. This couldn’t be happening! “Stay away from her!” I screamed, but they ignored me and they just kept beating and kicking. It didn’t seemed like they were ever going to stop. They just kept going. It seemed to stretch on for years. “Stop!” I cried. For some reason, watching someone you care for get hurt, is more painful than getting hurt yourself.
And then they stopped.
And the screams stopped.
They backed away from her body, almost in shock. They were still in front of her, but now I could see an arm, lying next to their feet, lifeless, blue of bruised and red of blood.
I saw them exchange looks, looks of fear. Looks I had never seen on these boys before. They had appeared fearless. But now, even Ryan looked frightened. I might even saw a small tear waiting to fall down, but he contained it and then he walked out of the shed. No he ran. In pure panic. And Peter and Justin followed him with the same amount of panic.
I walked over to Leah, but I didn’t want to see it. I knew what had happened and I didn’t want to see it. It couldn’t be. I was still refusing to think the worst. But why would they otherwise have panicked?
Eventually I got myself together and walked over to her limp body, her head turned away from me. Her arms were lying in weird angles and she was lying in a puddle of blood.
I got down on my knees next to her body, I didn’t care if I got blood on my clothes. “Leah?” I said, my voice sounded even weaker than before, but it still echoed through space. Through the awful tension that was filling the air.
I had to gather all of my courage to reach out my hand for her head and turn it to face me. Her head rolled to my side and I what I saw changed my life forever. Her dark eyes stared lifeless into nowhere and her face was even paler than normal.
“No no no no!” I screamed as I shook Leah’s bruised body. “Leah wake up! You have to wake up!”
But then realisation hit me. She wasn’t going to. She was dead. Gone.

Notes

heyy guys,

So...I'm sorry?...uhm yeah. So, I might edit this chapter. I wanted to do Leah's death justice and I didn't think it was good enough to do that. I know that sounds weird, but I'm just very fond of the characters in this story. I'm actually just really fond of this story in general.

Sooo...I knew from very early in this story that I wanted to write a death scene. At first I wanted it to be Casey, but I couldn't do that because she is based on a real person and it would've hurt me too much to kill her. Than I thought about letting her dad die, but that didn't fit in the story as much as Leah. R.I.P Leah June 11th 1985- April 29th 2001.

so yeah what do you guys think? Is this chapter too long? Please let me know!

xxx

Nicky

ps. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR 10.000 VIEWS! congratulations to you guys! yes, congratulations, because you did that not me. :) I just wrote the story and you guys made it so popular.