You'd Better Hide the Bullets

I woke up on Christmas Day feeling like my head was about to cave in, great. Today isn't gonna go well, I can feel it. There was a text from Alex saying Merry Christmas which I find very cute but it doesn't change the way I feel. I am a horrible human being.

I pulled my body out of bed and quickly got dressed into ripped jeans and a blink 182 shirt, brushed my hair and applied some make-up. Hopefully my family are up and want to actually open presents. Maybe it'll distract me from the fact I'm totally bummed out and don't feel Christmasy at all. Suddenly my room door opened and Kiera strolled in. "Seriously? You're just walking in now?" I raised an eyebrow at her.

"We've been waiting patiently for you to get your ass outta bed so hurry up." She informed me then ran back downstairs.

I followed her at a much slower pace, gliding down the stairs as slowly as possible. It can't be that bad right? When I walked into the living room everyone stared at me. "Merry Christmas." I put the most fake smile onto my face. Everyone bought it and replied with a chorus of Christmas greetings.

My mom sat me down in between Ali and Kiera. "Now kids, open your gifts." My mom told us. And we did.

I knew I wasn't gonna get much this Christmas because of my car but boy was I wrong. My parents got me so much. Clothes, perfume, shoes, make-up, money, Xbox games and the best gift of all was a second hand piano in the basement to continue my passion. I almost started crying when they told me. My other gifts from family members were similar and I was so grateful. "Oh this was on the porch this morning." Alysha handed to me. It was a gift the shape of like a book or something. I looked at the tag and it was addressed to me but there was no name of whom it was from. Weird. I decided not to open it though, not now anyway.

The first chance I got, I ran upstairs with my gifts and the unopened one. I shut me door over and ran onto my bed, sat with my legs crossed in front of me and the gift on the bed. I wonder who it's from.

I quickly tore the paper off to reveal a notebook, one I've seen so many times but never really noticed it. The book was dark blue with a galaxy theme. Stars and planets decorated the cover and back to make it look interesting. My hand slipped over the front for the notebook and opened the first page.

This is the first time I've ever wrote anything like a diary or journal. Usually I think that kinda thing is for dorks but recently, well after today there was a change in me. Everyday at school is usually boring, unbelievably mundane and typical. But today, yeah today was so different and that's why I'm doing this.

She walked into school like she belongs here, like it's always been hers. But I've never seen her before so I guessed almost instantly that she was new. When I found my brother talking to her then it confirmed my suspicions. The thing I really don't get is the fact I'm really drawn to this girl, maybe a little bit too much. And it's simply because she didn't back down. When she was confronted by me she didn't let her guard down and for me that is something that never happens. Girls usually do exactly as I say because they want to date me. Mostly I can't stand the sight of most of them, she's different though.

The issue is though, she kinda hates me now and that's a big problem for me because I can't back down from a challenge. I can't stop myself from becoming obsessed with this girl. Trust me she's beautiful and mesmerising. I know that if I don't make my move soon enough I'm not gonna have a shot in Hell with her. Here's hoping.

I flicked through the next few pages and there were drawings, doodles and lyrics written all over the pages. It was kinda nice but strange. When I got to the next diary entry I couldn't help but smile.

Today I locked Scarlett in the janitors closet and she got detention because of it. Yeah way to go for trying to get her to like me. I'm such an idiot. It makes me wonder why people actually like me, why people make the effort to be in my life because it doesn't make any sense to me. I'm a fuck up and deserve no one. I guess that's why I push everyone away, but Scarlett makes me want to be nicer. I just can't get it across.

The saddest thing is though that most of what I feel for this girl has been an instant thing. I've known her a grand total of two days and I don't even really know her. I just know that she's really strong willed. And I fucking love it. Maybe I just need to keep trying.

I read through these entries and it made me smile, laugh and kinda almost cry. There was an entry for almost every encounter we ever had and it made me wonder why. Why did he does this? Was this the plan? I got to the last entry and sighed.

This will be the last thing I'm ever going to write about Scarlett Jones. I could go on and on for days about her but it's time to stop writing about her and get her. I want her to be mines, when I'm lying in Ali's bed, a few metres from Scarlett's room, I can't help but let my mind wonder what it'd be like to have her fall asleep in my arms and be able to kiss her head, tell her how amazing she is and that I love her. But I can't. And I'm beginning to think I never will. That's why I've come to realise that this book is actually pretty pathetic.

I began dating Scarlett's sister to get closer to Scarlett, but it's really just pushed us apart. I want Ali to be happy because she is actually really sweet but I don't want her like I want Scarlett. I don't think I'll ever want anyone the way I want Scarlett. And I guess that's the beautiful thing about young and reckless love. It's so unpredictable that you just can't deny yourself it. I want something so explosive and thrilling that I'll never want to leave her alone. I want to wake up and have her kiss me, tell me she loves me then never let me go. I want to fight about stupid things and then makeup all night long. I want everything that love possibly has to offer me.

But. I. Can't. Have. Her.

I'll never really have her.

I felt my eyes begin to water, it made me feel kinda sick actually. It made me feel like my heart was aching. There was nothing else after that. Just blank pages, until the third last page of the notebook. There was a title, The Devine Zero (*insert lyrics here*).

The words touched me in a strange way. Vic wrote this song, he wrote those lyrics and I don't know why. The meaning behind it could be various things but honestly I can't decipher it. All I get from it is that it's killing him to be this strung out over me. And that kills me.

I walked over to my desk and got a pen then went back over to my bed. This needs to end.

I really don't know how to start this because I've never written anything like it before but I'm gonna try and keep it short. Upon finding this book I read it, throughly and made sure I didn't miss a thing in it. That's pretty important to me and I hope that it has help me make the correct decision here.

I'm almost 18 years old and that's like, almost an adult. I remember my mom used to tell me that once I become an adult I have to act like one. There is no going back, but I don't wanna be an adult. I don't wanna deal with that drama and hassle. It's not worth it. I don't think so anyway. I'm rambling here but I have a point. Anyway, being an adult sucks, I don't want it and I watch my parents and wonder how they do it, how they continue to be so in love after all these years and stressful times.

The answer is they just don't love each other the way everyone assumes they do, or did.

The day I met you Vic, you were horrible to me, continuously so throughout the weeks. Occasionally showing me something nice, something to give me hope but ultimately breaking my heart into pieces. But you were right, you were so right about me. I can't keep away and it's because of the kinda person you are. Some people in life will just give you fire, something so spectacular that you can't keep away no matter how much you get hurt. But every fire eventually dies out. And you never end up with those people because of that. I truly believe that is us, that is the situation we will be in or are in. I'm not sure.

But I can't do it. I can't do that to myself. Not yet.

I'm breaking up with Alex, nothing to do with you but I don't wanna be that girl who bounces from guy to guy, I don't wanna be the girl who dates her sisters ex boyfriend and I definitely don't wanna be the girl who doesn't know what she wants. I think what I'm trying to say is that right now, I have to stay away from that and you need to understand it's not because of you. It's because I'm not ready to burn out. If you want to be my friend then I understand that but you can't hate me for how I feel, and soon I might be ready.

Jump in the fire, if it burns you I'll throw my arms around you darling, and we'll turn to ashes, drowning in the flames. And there's no one else in the world I would want to burn with than you.

Scarlett xo

I couldn't feel my tears anymore, I couldn't feel my breath anymore, my lungs were struggling to take in oxygen and my heart felt like it was shattering. Is this what it feels like to be in love with someone so tragic? If it is then I don't want to be.

I wrapped the booked back up in the paper and taped it. I took the tag off and then wiped my face as well as I could then left my room with the book in hand.

When I got to the bottom of the stairs about to leave the house Kiera approached me. "Where are you going?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I have to give something Mike." I lied. She shrugged and walked away. It was odd lying to my sister but she won't understand and I don't wanna scare her about the prospect of love. She will find out the hard way, like we all do.

Quickly I grabbed the doorknob and then left, walking over to the Fuentes household. It looked incredibly seasonal, it was evident that they took pride in Christmas. My legs froze in front of the door, I couldn't move at all. The fear in me was something I couldn't handle.

Suddenly the door swung open. "Yeah ma, I'll get it." Vic said looking back into the house, he turned and saw me standing, looking a complete mess. "Oh, what are you doing here?" He asked with confusion all over his face.

"I have to give you something." I said simply, holding the wrapped up book in my hand. He looked down at it and smiled a little.

"Thank you." He said taking it gently into his hands. Suddenly he ripped the paper off and then his face fell. "What is this?" He looked up at me, fear and confusion written on his face.

"You left it on my porch this morning." I told him, beginning to feel totally awkward.

"I didn't." He looked extremely pale. "Did you read this?" I watched his facial features go from confused to completely embarrassed as I nodded.

"If you didn't put it on my porch then who did?" I couldn't quite understand what was happening, then I remembered when I wrote in the end. I tried to grab the book out of his hands and he pulled it back towards his chest.

"What are you doing?" He shook his head at me.

"Just can I see it for like two seconds." I begged. He squinted his eyes at me and then quickly opened the book. I watched him flick to the page I wrote on and you could tell the difference in hand writing. I jumped forward and ripped the page out of the book and fell backwards onto the porch floor. Vic bent down and grabbed the paper out of my hand and then jumped into his house. "No, no, no." I begged and slammed my fist on the door. I slid down the door, tears beginning to fall from my eyes again.

A minute or so later the door opened and Vic stood, tears in his eyes and stared down at me. I quickly got to my feet and we just looked at each other, not breaking eye contact at all. "I think you should leave Scarlett." He said softly.

"Vic please don't be-." I tried to say through the tears.

"GO!" He screamed at me. I quickly turned and ran across the street and into my house.

"Scarlett what's wrong?" Ali was in the hallway. I didn't answer her, I just ran up stairs and into my room. Throwing myself onto my bed and sobbed my stupid little heart out. The words in that letter didn't mean a thing really, I wanted him now but now he thinks differently and someone planted that notebook to fuck everything up... But who?

Notes

Sorry I didn't update yesterday but I had a lot on! Here's a longish one :)