Strength
The Beginning
“Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.” – Gilda Radner
I sat at my desk flicking my pencil back and forth between my thumb and index finger as I paid little to no attention to the professor upfront giving his lecture. Only a couple more minutes and I will be done with my classes for the day. I looked down at my watch and let out a sigh as the time seemed to slow down. I start to doodle on my paper to pass the time and I notice the professor stop talking. I put my pencil down and quickly sit up expecting to get in trouble but the professor is too busy arranging papers at his desk in the center of the classroom. I reluctantly look around the room and see all the other students getting up from their seats and start to leave, letting me know that the class was finally over. I quickly gather my own things and walk out of the horrid class. I bring my sunglass out from my bag and place them on the bridge of my nose as I pop in my earphones and start to head towards the dorms.
A few minutes later I finally reach them and let myself in, taking the stairs instead of the elevator upstairs. I reach my room and walk straight to my bed at the other side of the room. I toss my stuff on the bed and let out a sigh.
“Tough day?” I hear as I take out my earphones and turn to face my roommate Elise as she blows on her wet nails.
“Ugh yes! I don’t even know what I’m doing here!”
“What do you mean? I thought you liked Berkley.”
“Berkley yes, my major not so much.”
“Law can be pretty tough.”
“Screw tough it’s boring! I don’t even like history, never have!”
“Yet you signed up for that major.”
“Sucks right? It wasn’t even my choice.” She let out a laugh and shakes her head before getting up from her own bed. I walked over to our mini fridge and grab a water bottle before picking up one of my several journals and settling in my usual spot on the window sill. I place the journal on my lap and start to put my earphones back in my ears when I noticed Elise staring at me.
“What?”
“What are you always writing in there?” I looked down at my lap to the journal she was pointing at and shrug my shoulders.
“Just random little things.”
“Like?” She asks with sudden interest as she steps closer to take a better look. I flick through several filled pages to show her. “Wow that’s a lot! Is this your diary or something?” She quickly stepped back not wanting to invade my privacy as the thought occurred to her.
“No, not really.” I reassured her with a laugh. “Don’t worry, you’re good. It’s more like little stories and thoughts, nothing really personal.”
“Oh, I see.” She nodded and walked back towards her bed. “Well I’d love to stay and chat about these stories but you look busy there and I need to head to class. I’ll see you later.”
“Have fun!” She let out a laugh and grabbed her books from her desk and waved at me before walking out the door.
As soon as I heard the door click shut I prop my legs up against the wall in front of me and press play on my iPod as I resume my writing. After writing a couple of sentences I stop and stare blankly out the window, at the tree branch in front of me that softly moved with the breeze. I close my eyes and let my mind go back to my safe place, back home. I wish I was back there in San Diego instead of being stuck here. I missed it, I missed my family. I let out a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes. I removed the journal from my lap and got up, heading towards my bed. Once I get there I get down on my knees and reach for one of my boxes underneath. I wrap my hand around it once I feel it and bring it out towards me. I wipe away the small dust and take it back with me as I sit back down on the window sill. I place the box on my lap and lift up the lid revealing the stack of pictures and little trinkets I had inside. I grab the pictures and start to look through a few of them, bringing a smile on my face at the memories. I put the pictures that I went through one by one back into the box and stop at the picture on top of the stack. It was a picture of my brother and I on each side of one of the dogs we had growing up. I was probably six which meant he was nine. I placed the picture aside and looked at the next one which was one of us both in Vegas then the next at Universal Studios. I put the stack away and pick up the three separate pictures as I examine them closer, letting out a small laugh at the memory of them. I wish things were how they used to be, back when my brother and I were close.
As we grew up we sort of just drifted from each other. He was always with this girlfriend-now wife- and while he went off to join the military I came here to peruse a career I wasn’t even remotely interested in. I let out a sigh and turned towards my bed as I heard a familiar ringtone start to play. I place the pictures back and quickly get up from my seat and throw myself on the bed to answer before they hang up.
“Hello?”
“Hi Lauren, how are you doing?”
“Hi mom.” I said muffled as I placed my head down on my mattress.
“What’s wrong?”
“I want to go back home. I miss you guys.”
“We miss you too sweetie. When is your next break?”
“Not for another couple of months.”
“Come down at that time then. It will fly by, you’ll see.”
“Hm. Alright.” I say disappointed and turn back to where I once was with the pictures. “Hey mom have you talked to Tommy recently?”
“I’m actually headed to his place right now.”
“Really? How come?”
“I came to drop off some things and to check up on him.”
“Check on him? Mom he isn’t a little kid.”
“I know that. He said he wasn’t feeling good the other day and I wanted to see if he was doing better.”
“Did he catch the flu or something? I heard that was going around.”
“Probably.”
“Tell him I said hi when you see him and to give me a call when he has the chance to please.”
“Hold on I’m entering his house let me pass you the phone so you two can talk.” I heard her footsteps echo as she walked through the house and I waited for Tommy to take the phone. As the footsteps stop I hear a faint cry along with some mumbling making my head cock back in confusion.
“Mom?” After a few minutes I hear her breathing on the line but she still doesn’t speak.
“Lauren-“ Her voice cracks when she finally speaks. “-let me call you back later.”
“Mom what’s wrong with Tommy?” I hear the cry again in the background.
“I have to go.” Before I can ask again she hangs up the phone leaving me with nothing but the dial tone. I slowly bring the phone back down and stare at the empty bed in front of me. I knew that cry, even if it was rare for me to hear it, I know who it belonged to. I’ve only heard Tommy cry a handful of times and the last time was when-no this can’t be happening. I felt my heart fall down to my stomach as the realization hit me. I felt a wash of emotions start to come but before they could get the best of me I jumped from my bed and brought out the duffel bag I had stored underneath. I opened it up and laid it on top of my bed as I scrambled to my drawers and brought out handfuls and handfuls of clothes. I threw the clothes inside and squished everything in without checking what I had. Once I feel like I have everything I need I zip up the duffel bag and grab my phone from the bed as I start to head out of my dorm room.
I head towards the elevators but find two girls waiting for it making me trace back and take the stairs instead. I reach the last step and rush out the door making me collide into a body in front of me. I hear my bag fall to the floor along with numerous books and binders.
“Geeze Lauren, what’s going on?!”Elise says as we both scramble to the floor to pick up what was dropped. I hand over the last book on the floor and I notice her look at the duffel bag in my hand. “Where are you going?”
“I need to go back home.”
“Wha-are you ok?” My mind trails back to the phone call with my mom and I feel my eyes start to cloud over. Before I can let the tears escape my eyes I shake my head and walk away leaving Elise still standing there confused.
“Wait Lauren!” I hear her yell but I continue walking. I hear her footsteps approach as she jogs over to my side. She grabs a hold of my arm and starts to lead me in the opposite direction I was walking in. I try to escape her hold but then she takes out her keys and shows them to me. “Let me take you.”
We walk straight to the student parking lot and within minutes I catch sight of her blue civic parked up front. She unlocks the car and we both toss our things in the back seat before getting inside. Elise backs up from her parking spot and quickly leaves the school grounds as we make our way to the airport. I stare out the window and tap my foot on the floor as I wait impatiently to get there. Thankfully Elise didn’t try to ask again what was going on making the whole drive a quiet one. I don’t think I would have been able to explain to her what exactly was going on without me breaking down at any minute as I felt it coming.
About fifteen minutes later we finally reach the airport and pull into the first available parking spot we find. I get out and quickly grab my bag from the back before I start walking towards the airport. I hear Elise’s footsteps before she is by my side again as we finish the walk and step inside the airport. We reach the counter to buy my ticket and wait for my turn.
“One ticket to San Diego please.” I spit out as I barley touch the counter.
“Round trip or-“
“One way.” The lady nods and starts to type in her computer before finally giving me the ticket price. I take out my wallet and hand over my bank card. I watch her swipe the card several times before she turns to face us, giving us a frown before she hands me back my card.
“I’m sorry, it’s not taking it. Do you have another card I can try?” I look down at my open wallet and shake my head as I stare at the empty slots.
“That’s my only one.”
“I’m so sorry.” She says blankly then looks past me as she tries to help the next person in line. I shake my head again and feel a couple of tears make their way out of my eyes. I turn around and start to walk away, leaving behind my bag and Elise as they slowly slide down my cheeks. Why did everything have to be going wrong?
A couple minutes later I feel a tap on my arm and turn to see Elise handing me a small envelope.
“You better hurry if you want to catch your flight.” I look back to the lady on the counter as she helps someone else. “Your luggage has been taken care of.” I look back at her hands then finally face her.
“Elise you didn’t have to do that.” She pushes the envelope farther, bringing it to my hands not taking no for an answer. “I’ll pay you back as soon as possible.” I tell her and finally take the ticket.
“Don’t worry about it. Now go, you’re going to be late.” I give her a hug and feel her give my body a squeeze. “I hope everything is alright.”
“I’ll call you.” She hugs me one last time before I run straight towards my terminal. I start to get closer and see the door start to close making me run faster. The lady notices me running up to her and reopens the door a bit for me to pass through. I hand over my ticket and she lets me in. I reach the inside of the plane and search for my seat- luckily towards the back and by the window. I settle down on my seat and take deep breaths as I try to regain my normal heartbeat. I put my seat belt on and bring my face towards my hands as I finally let myself cry.
Why did this have to be happening all over again?
I sat at my desk flicking my pencil back and forth between my thumb and index finger as I paid little to no attention to the professor upfront giving his lecture. Only a couple more minutes and I will be done with my classes for the day. I looked down at my watch and let out a sigh as the time seemed to slow down. I start to doodle on my paper to pass the time and I notice the professor stop talking. I put my pencil down and quickly sit up expecting to get in trouble but the professor is too busy arranging papers at his desk in the center of the classroom. I reluctantly look around the room and see all the other students getting up from their seats and start to leave, letting me know that the class was finally over. I quickly gather my own things and walk out of the horrid class. I bring my sunglass out from my bag and place them on the bridge of my nose as I pop in my earphones and start to head towards the dorms.
A few minutes later I finally reach them and let myself in, taking the stairs instead of the elevator upstairs. I reach my room and walk straight to my bed at the other side of the room. I toss my stuff on the bed and let out a sigh.
“Tough day?” I hear as I take out my earphones and turn to face my roommate Elise as she blows on her wet nails.
“Ugh yes! I don’t even know what I’m doing here!”
“What do you mean? I thought you liked Berkley.”
“Berkley yes, my major not so much.”
“Law can be pretty tough.”
“Screw tough it’s boring! I don’t even like history, never have!”
“Yet you signed up for that major.”
“Sucks right? It wasn’t even my choice.” She let out a laugh and shakes her head before getting up from her own bed. I walked over to our mini fridge and grab a water bottle before picking up one of my several journals and settling in my usual spot on the window sill. I place the journal on my lap and start to put my earphones back in my ears when I noticed Elise staring at me.
“What?”
“What are you always writing in there?” I looked down at my lap to the journal she was pointing at and shrug my shoulders.
“Just random little things.”
“Like?” She asks with sudden interest as she steps closer to take a better look. I flick through several filled pages to show her. “Wow that’s a lot! Is this your diary or something?” She quickly stepped back not wanting to invade my privacy as the thought occurred to her.
“No, not really.” I reassured her with a laugh. “Don’t worry, you’re good. It’s more like little stories and thoughts, nothing really personal.”
“Oh, I see.” She nodded and walked back towards her bed. “Well I’d love to stay and chat about these stories but you look busy there and I need to head to class. I’ll see you later.”
“Have fun!” She let out a laugh and grabbed her books from her desk and waved at me before walking out the door.
As soon as I heard the door click shut I prop my legs up against the wall in front of me and press play on my iPod as I resume my writing. After writing a couple of sentences I stop and stare blankly out the window, at the tree branch in front of me that softly moved with the breeze. I close my eyes and let my mind go back to my safe place, back home. I wish I was back there in San Diego instead of being stuck here. I missed it, I missed my family. I let out a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes. I removed the journal from my lap and got up, heading towards my bed. Once I get there I get down on my knees and reach for one of my boxes underneath. I wrap my hand around it once I feel it and bring it out towards me. I wipe away the small dust and take it back with me as I sit back down on the window sill. I place the box on my lap and lift up the lid revealing the stack of pictures and little trinkets I had inside. I grab the pictures and start to look through a few of them, bringing a smile on my face at the memories. I put the pictures that I went through one by one back into the box and stop at the picture on top of the stack. It was a picture of my brother and I on each side of one of the dogs we had growing up. I was probably six which meant he was nine. I placed the picture aside and looked at the next one which was one of us both in Vegas then the next at Universal Studios. I put the stack away and pick up the three separate pictures as I examine them closer, letting out a small laugh at the memory of them. I wish things were how they used to be, back when my brother and I were close.
As we grew up we sort of just drifted from each other. He was always with this girlfriend-now wife- and while he went off to join the military I came here to peruse a career I wasn’t even remotely interested in. I let out a sigh and turned towards my bed as I heard a familiar ringtone start to play. I place the pictures back and quickly get up from my seat and throw myself on the bed to answer before they hang up.
“Hello?”
“Hi Lauren, how are you doing?”
“Hi mom.” I said muffled as I placed my head down on my mattress.
“What’s wrong?”
“I want to go back home. I miss you guys.”
“We miss you too sweetie. When is your next break?”
“Not for another couple of months.”
“Come down at that time then. It will fly by, you’ll see.”
“Hm. Alright.” I say disappointed and turn back to where I once was with the pictures. “Hey mom have you talked to Tommy recently?”
“I’m actually headed to his place right now.”
“Really? How come?”
“I came to drop off some things and to check up on him.”
“Check on him? Mom he isn’t a little kid.”
“I know that. He said he wasn’t feeling good the other day and I wanted to see if he was doing better.”
“Did he catch the flu or something? I heard that was going around.”
“Probably.”
“Tell him I said hi when you see him and to give me a call when he has the chance to please.”
“Hold on I’m entering his house let me pass you the phone so you two can talk.” I heard her footsteps echo as she walked through the house and I waited for Tommy to take the phone. As the footsteps stop I hear a faint cry along with some mumbling making my head cock back in confusion.
“Mom?” After a few minutes I hear her breathing on the line but she still doesn’t speak.
“Lauren-“ Her voice cracks when she finally speaks. “-let me call you back later.”
“Mom what’s wrong with Tommy?” I hear the cry again in the background.
“I have to go.” Before I can ask again she hangs up the phone leaving me with nothing but the dial tone. I slowly bring the phone back down and stare at the empty bed in front of me. I knew that cry, even if it was rare for me to hear it, I know who it belonged to. I’ve only heard Tommy cry a handful of times and the last time was when-no this can’t be happening. I felt my heart fall down to my stomach as the realization hit me. I felt a wash of emotions start to come but before they could get the best of me I jumped from my bed and brought out the duffel bag I had stored underneath. I opened it up and laid it on top of my bed as I scrambled to my drawers and brought out handfuls and handfuls of clothes. I threw the clothes inside and squished everything in without checking what I had. Once I feel like I have everything I need I zip up the duffel bag and grab my phone from the bed as I start to head out of my dorm room.
I head towards the elevators but find two girls waiting for it making me trace back and take the stairs instead. I reach the last step and rush out the door making me collide into a body in front of me. I hear my bag fall to the floor along with numerous books and binders.
“Geeze Lauren, what’s going on?!”Elise says as we both scramble to the floor to pick up what was dropped. I hand over the last book on the floor and I notice her look at the duffel bag in my hand. “Where are you going?”
“I need to go back home.”
“Wha-are you ok?” My mind trails back to the phone call with my mom and I feel my eyes start to cloud over. Before I can let the tears escape my eyes I shake my head and walk away leaving Elise still standing there confused.
“Wait Lauren!” I hear her yell but I continue walking. I hear her footsteps approach as she jogs over to my side. She grabs a hold of my arm and starts to lead me in the opposite direction I was walking in. I try to escape her hold but then she takes out her keys and shows them to me. “Let me take you.”
We walk straight to the student parking lot and within minutes I catch sight of her blue civic parked up front. She unlocks the car and we both toss our things in the back seat before getting inside. Elise backs up from her parking spot and quickly leaves the school grounds as we make our way to the airport. I stare out the window and tap my foot on the floor as I wait impatiently to get there. Thankfully Elise didn’t try to ask again what was going on making the whole drive a quiet one. I don’t think I would have been able to explain to her what exactly was going on without me breaking down at any minute as I felt it coming.
About fifteen minutes later we finally reach the airport and pull into the first available parking spot we find. I get out and quickly grab my bag from the back before I start walking towards the airport. I hear Elise’s footsteps before she is by my side again as we finish the walk and step inside the airport. We reach the counter to buy my ticket and wait for my turn.
“One ticket to San Diego please.” I spit out as I barley touch the counter.
“Round trip or-“
“One way.” The lady nods and starts to type in her computer before finally giving me the ticket price. I take out my wallet and hand over my bank card. I watch her swipe the card several times before she turns to face us, giving us a frown before she hands me back my card.
“I’m sorry, it’s not taking it. Do you have another card I can try?” I look down at my open wallet and shake my head as I stare at the empty slots.
“That’s my only one.”
“I’m so sorry.” She says blankly then looks past me as she tries to help the next person in line. I shake my head again and feel a couple of tears make their way out of my eyes. I turn around and start to walk away, leaving behind my bag and Elise as they slowly slide down my cheeks. Why did everything have to be going wrong?
A couple minutes later I feel a tap on my arm and turn to see Elise handing me a small envelope.
“You better hurry if you want to catch your flight.” I look back to the lady on the counter as she helps someone else. “Your luggage has been taken care of.” I look back at her hands then finally face her.
“Elise you didn’t have to do that.” She pushes the envelope farther, bringing it to my hands not taking no for an answer. “I’ll pay you back as soon as possible.” I tell her and finally take the ticket.
“Don’t worry about it. Now go, you’re going to be late.” I give her a hug and feel her give my body a squeeze. “I hope everything is alright.”
“I’ll call you.” She hugs me one last time before I run straight towards my terminal. I start to get closer and see the door start to close making me run faster. The lady notices me running up to her and reopens the door a bit for me to pass through. I hand over my ticket and she lets me in. I reach the inside of the plane and search for my seat- luckily towards the back and by the window. I settle down on my seat and take deep breaths as I try to regain my normal heartbeat. I put my seat belt on and bring my face towards my hands as I finally let myself cry.
Why did this have to be happening all over again?
5/24/13