I Would Rather . . .

This is it. My last stop on, my own personal tour of New York entitled, “The Places That Saved My Life (Almost)”. It wasn’t necessarily a long tour, stop one was just three hours ago, and I’ve only been to five places, but still I’m relieved it’s almost over as I pull into the, appropriately named, Midnight Blue diner.

After the first stop, really the main event for the night, I went to the park in the old neighborhood where I’d grown up, the site of my first kiss from my best friend when I was six, Thomas. My third stop was the little red lighthouse under the Hudson River Bridge, the little piece of natural beauty among all of that urban decay used to bring me hope. After that I went to the record store that seemed to have any record I could possibly want just when I wanted it, and before coming here I stopped at the church a couple blocks from my school one last time. Of course revisiting these places was almost disappointing; they’d seemed to have lost the spark that made me love them so much. Thomas had died when I was thirteen, his heart never had quite worked right, and the lighthouse was never as special after I caught two kids from my school having sex behind it one day. The old man who had owned the record store had finally died of old age last summer and left the store to his son, who mostly didn’t care and was letting it fall apart. The only thing that still inspired awe in me was the church. Now I’m not particularly religious, but the first time I stepped into that church as a little kid I looked up into the towering dome, and around at the gigantic stained glass windows and I was utterly amazed. While the church still managed to amaze me with its architecture, tonight it really just made me feel lonely.

I’d found the Midnight Blue diner on one of those nights when I told my parents I was going out with my friends and they’d been so ecstatic that they let me go without asking me who or where. Often on these nights I just drove around aimlessly and on that night I’d stopped to eat at a mostly empty, but still lit up like a star, diner and I’ve been coming here regularly ever since. It looks just the same now as it did then, empty parking lot littered with cigarette buds (mostly mine), old school architecture, and an amount of lights that would be superfluous for the Empire State Building.

When I slam my truck door Eileen looks up from where she’s washing dishes behind the counter and smiles at me. I feel a little bit bad when I open the door and she coos “Good to see you Jo. You look a little rough tonight.”

“Yeah, you know how concerts can be.” I answer.

She laughs, “I sure do darling.”

Eileen is the kind of old lady who doesn’t make you feel awkward, while at the same time maintaining the grandmother feeling that surrounds her. She has short, wispy, blond hair with graying streaks that curl away from her head like a small inviting fog, and a half sleeve that peaks out from under her black waitressing uniform. I love her sleeve; it reminds me that not everybody regrets getting lilies climbing from their elbow to their shoulder. Eileen is walking the line of sixty, but I know she’s seen her fair share of shows in her days. I’ve personally seen a picture of crowd surfing at a NOFX show in the eighties. “Who’d you go see?” She asks me.

“Pierce the Veil at Irving Plaza again.” I respond as I slide into one of the big booths, just because.

“How many times have you seen that band?” She asks me, with a genuinely curious tone.

I smile, “Six.” But tonight was my last, I think to myself.

“It’s a bit late, when did this show end?” This time she sounds a bit worried this time, rightfully so, it’s almost one thirty.

“Around ten, but I drove around for a while. Just wanted to see some sights you know?”

“Mm, well don’t be out too late. You have graduation tomorrow right? I want you to go straight home from here, okay?” She says sternly as she sets down the last clean glass.

“Yeah, definitely.” I answer.

She looks at me for a beat longer than normal and a look comes over her face like she wants to say something, but she looks away before asking, “Concert recovery usual?”

“That would be fantastic, thank you.” I answer and smile at her, but something in my stomach twist painfully.

She gives me another long look before leaning through the window that links the front of the diner, and the back and shouting, “Two cheeseburgers, extra large fries, and a strawberry milkshake!”

Just then there’s a slammed door from outside followed by a burst of loud laughter. “Well that’s unusual. I think you’re the only customer we’ve seen after ten o’clock since nineteen ninety seven.” Eileen says as she leans over the counter to try to see around the corner.

The bell over the door rang, and four guys walked in. “Welcome to Midnight Blue” Eileen says. I blanch because I recognize that hair, and that tattoo, and that shirt, and that smile.

As I sink lower in my seat Vic pushes some hair out of his eyes and tries to tuck it behind his ear, “Damn guys I think we’re the only ones here.”

“Um rude Vic, there’s a girl sitting right over there.” Mike points out and snatches his brother’s hat from his head playfully.

“Wait, shit, I know you.” Jaime says. I almost squeak with a strange mixture of fright, anxiety, and joy. “You were at the show tonight, like right in front of me. I pretended to shot you with my bass!” He almost bounces over to me while the rest of the guys drift over behind him.

“Um. Yes. Um, yeah, that was me.” I answer. I can feel my hands twisting into knots of anxiety in my lap.

Jaime drops into the booth beside me with a dull thud, “I tried to throw you a pick but I think somebody else caught it. What’s your name?” He asks, smiling at me like I’m the most pleasant surprise the world ever dropped in front of him in a diner.

My brain struggles to function, “Jo.” Seems to be all I can get out.

“Since Jaime didn’t bother to ask,” Vic shoots him a look, “Do you mind if we sit with you Jo?”

My mind takes an awkward moment to process before I spit out, “No, um, not at all.”

“Thanks.” He says and him and Mike slide into the booth across from us.

“Seriously Jaime, move over.” Tony says, and Jaime slides into my personal space bubble to make room.

“What can I get you guys?” Eileen asks, walking over with her little notepad.

“Um, burgers all around?” Vic asks, since he’s the only one who has bothered to pick up a menu. There’s a chorus of agreement from the three guys, “And can I have a milkshake?” Jaime asks with a grin.

“Sure thing, what flavor?” She asks.

“Um, strawberry.” He answers after looking thoughtful for a moment. Eileen scribbles on her notebook and goes to tack up the ticket on the window after giving me a supportive smile.

“So.” Jaime said and turned to me expectantly.

“Um, yes?” I answered hesitantly.

“The pick. Did you catch it?” He raised his eyebrows as if it was the most logical thought in the world.

“Oh, um, no. You were right when you said somebody else had caught it. The girl next to me.” I provided.

​He tusked. “It’s a shame. I really suck at aiming my picks though, so I don’t blame you.”

Just then Eileen reappeared with my whopping pile of food. “Damn girl!” Mike exclaims and puts his hand up for a high five.

I almost laughed, almost.

I did however, smile and high five him before picking up one of my burgers. “Hey, we both got strawberry milkshakes!” Jaime grins at me and motions for permission to sip. I nod and he sucks down a gulp that makes his cheeks hollow out. “Oh my god that’s so good!” He exclaims and goes back for a second taste. I would have giggled if my mouth weren’t full of burger.

By the time their food comes out one and a half of my burgers are gone, and Jaime has drank my entire milkshake. While Eileen slides food across the table Jaime smiles apologetically at me. “Here you can have mine.” He offers and puts his pink milk shake in front of me.

I smile, “Thanks.” The rest of the meal passes with lots of finger licking, surprisingly easy conversation, and more than a little bit of Jaime talking with his mouth full (which earns him a punch in the arm from Tony every time it happens).

While we’re leaving Eileen grins at me, a huge excited grin that makes her look twenty years younger, and tells us good bye. Outside of the diner I motion to my car, “Well I guess this is good bye.”

“Only if you want it to be.” Tony says.

“Yeah, you could totally hang out with us for the night. Our next show isn’t far from here so we don’t leave until noon tomorrow.” Vic says, “And we are definitely not going back to the bus until then.”

“Um, I’d better not.” I wring my hands.

“Guys she probably has school tomorrow or something don’t push it.” Mike says and grabs Vic by the arm, steering him back towards the van. They wave good-bye to me over their shoulders.

As I turn toward my car somebody catches my arm. Jaime spins me back around and looks at me, suddenly serious. “Jo, the show ended at ten. It’s two and you were definitely not in the crowd of people waiting outside of the venue, and you look just like you did during the encore. Where were you in those three hours?” I feel the color drain from my face.

“I, well, um, I was,”

“Stop.” He stares me in the eyes and I know that I’m so unprepared for this line of questioning that my eyes must be betraying me. “Please come with us tonight.” He requests, and it’s almost a plea and also almost a demand.

“Jaime, I,”

“Please.” And now it is a plea. “At least let me get you a pick to replace the one that was meant for you.” He smiles a little.

I sigh and break eye contact. My eyes lock onto one of the cigarette buds on the ground while I weigh my options. Tonight was supposed to be my last night. This was not in the plan. Finally I sigh, defeated. “Okay.”

He grins.

Notes