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To Love Preciado

Nothing Matters

"With love, your father." I uttered in disgust before letting the letter slip out of my hand and fall to the floor.

After letting the threatening note hit the ground, questions and theories started to flood my head. With the amount of thoughts running across my mind, it's impossible to catch one idea and stay focused. My mind seems to be to be a race track and each individual thought is flying by at a hundred miles per hour.

At this point, I'm not even sure what to think. What do I even do? My father, my own fucking father has a plan to kill me but won't let me know whether or not he will go through with It. My own fucking father, the man that fucking raised me wants me to either die or suffer. He just wants to put me through hell and destroy me. All he wants is for my life to be absolutely shitty and I guess he's gotten what he wants now because I am so fucking miserable.

If my own father can't love me, then who's ever going to love me? No one.

If my own father hates me and wants me dead, just imagine how other people feel about me. I'm worthless.

All along, the things that my father has told me has been true. I'm ugly, disgusting, worthless, fat, a piece of shit, I'll never be loved. He's right about everything. Locking him up hasn't helped me so far, life is just getting worse and worse. He may be a complete asshole, but he's fucking right about everything.

I have felt numb these last couple days, like none of this is actually happening, but as soon as reality hit me, tears struck my eyes. Instantly the salty drops of water started to run down my face and fall onto my lap. With that, I let myself hit the floor. I lied there on the cold, hard tile, cradling my legs and hysterically weeping.

God, I must look so pathetic right now.

What am I saying? I am fucking pathetic.

I'm pathetic. I'm nothing. I don't matter. Nothing matters.

I struggled to pull myself off the floor and I then stumbled to the bathroom with my flooded eyes and blurry vision. I let myself fly into the bathroom counter, leaning against the wall for support. With my trembling hands I opened the medicine cabinet in search of anything sharp, but finding several bottles of pills which I hadn't known were there instead. Seeing the orange tinted bottles concocted several ideas.

Do it.

I reached for one of the bottles of pain killers and behind it was a small razor. Perfect.

I sat on the toilet holding both the items in my hands.

Do I really want to do this? Yes.

I pulled off my pants with hesitation and held the razor close to my skin.

Do it, you're fucking worthless. I thought to myself.

With every negative thought crossing my mind, I became closer to relapsing.

Jaime hates you. Mom is dead. Dad wants to kill you.

I shut my eyes, holding back another wall of tears. I pressed the metal into my skin and winced, forgetting the pain that it brought but finding myself infatuated with the sensation once again. With my eyes still shut, I continued to drag the blade across my skin over and over again, not realizing that my leg burned as if it were on fire.

My eyes fluttered open to check my progress and to my surprise, the cuts were tremendously deep. Shit.

You deserve it.

I sat back and watched the red liquid continue to spill down my leg. Seeing the mess that I am, I'm not quite sure if I'm angry, sad, relieved, scared, or what. All I know is that cutting is not enough.

I looked over at the little bottle next to me, grabbing it with one swift motion. I stared at the label for the longest time before twisting the cap open. I gave the bottle a good shake and about eight white tablets fell into my hand. That should be enough.

As I was filling up a small cup with sink water, I heard vibrating coming from the bathroom floor. My phone. I picked up my ringing phone to see Jaime was calling.

"What could he possibly want right now?" I mumbled.

I let him go to voice mail and moments later I received a text.

Practice is ending early due to some arguments so I'll be home shortly.

"Fuck." I hoarsely whispered.

I took another look at the pills in my hand and then glanced at the text.

"Well, if I'm going to do this, better do it quickly."

Without any second thoughts, I downed the handful of pills. As I struggled to swallow all of it, tears started to form in my eyes again.

This is it.

Time ticked by and I couldn't patiently wait here on the toilet any longer so I decided to lie down on the bathroom rug, as uncomfortable as it is. I lied there, crying and crying. No thoughts were filling my head anymore but for some reason the tears just kept coming. My mind went blank and I could feel my eyelids getting heavier. A wave of drowsiness hit me hard and I decided to shut my eyes. Probably not the best idea, but I couldn't control my body anymore.

With every last bit of strength I tried to tune in to the world around me, but everything seemed fuzzy. I think I can hear footsteps down the hall but I'm not quite sure if it's real or not. I heard doors opening so I forced my eyes open to find I couldn't see anything except for blurred shapes I could barely make out.

My eyelids shut on me as my body began to tremble and grow cold. My stomach started to cramp and I felt a ridiculous amount of pain.

So this is what it feels like.

As the world around me began to darken, I heard what I think is the bathroom door swing open.

"Oh my god, Rosaline! Baby, wake up!"

Jaime. I thought to myself, but wasn't able to say aloud.

"Please wake up! Rosaline..." I heard him say before his voice just became a muffled sound and everything around me went black.








Notes

I am so sorry if this is like too graphic or anything, I'm just trying to make it a little more emotional. I'm not sure when I'll be able to update again because I have no internet at my house, so I'm just gonna let y'all know that this is not the last chapter and I wouldn't just let the main character die like that. So don't worry, there will be a happy ending, trust me :)

Comments

@twitchdelaraven
I HAVENT BEEN ON HERE IN MONTHS BECAUSE YOU WOULDNT UPDATE AND SCHOOL BUT YOURE BACK

@ImGoingToChangeTheWorld
I'm honestly flattered :) I didn't really think someone enjoy my writing that much.

twitchdelaraven twitchdelaraven
11/8/15

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in like a bazillion years! :( I was having trouble logging in. I'll start updating right away!

twitchdelaraven twitchdelaraven
11/7/15

Omg :0

DoOmKiTTy95 DoOmKiTTy95
8/9/15

Amazing. Please update again soon.