To Love Preciado

I ran upstairs, stumbling into my bedroom. As I entered my room I locked the door behind me. It's unlikely anyone would bother me, but you can never be too sure. At this moment in time I need to be alone. You would think having someone with me would be preferable, but I need a little 'me-time.'

My room is actually pretty big and it even has a bathroom. I found myself siting ontop of the toilet, the lid was down. There were no noises coming from the rest of the house. The only noises I could hear were the AC and my own movements. A basket of items sat in my lap. It was full of soaps, lotions, rags and more. I fumbled through the mess until I found what I was looking for.

I pulled out a couple boxes, one small and the other fairly bigger. The larger box was a pack of cigarettes, only used for special occasions like this. I opened the lid and pulled a cig and a match book out of the carton. I had trouble lighting it considering my hands were shaking. I inhaled, letting the smoke rush into my lungs. As I blew the cloud out, I felt some tension release. After a few hits, I looked down at the other box I had placed between my legs.

I placed the tiny cardboard box in my hand, turning it around and reading the font. Stainless steel razors 5 count. Without second thoughts I pulled a shiny razor out. I ran my finger across the edge, feeling the sharpness of the blade. Holding the tiny sheet of steel thrilled me for some odd reason. There was nothing I wanted more than to cause myself pain and draw my own blood right now.

I pulled off my pants, revealing my thighs. The almost finished cigarette rested between my lips as I placed the blade against my skin. Before tearing into my thigh I started to question myself. Should I? Should I really do this? Of course I should. I'm a piece of shit, I'm worthless, and I'm overall disgusting. I took the cigarette from my mouth, put it out, then threw it into the sink.

I closed my eyes and pressed the metal into my flesh. A stinging sensation charged through my leg as the skin started to rip. I opened my eyes to see blood filling the small cut. Content with my actions, I continued to carve my already flawed skin. The first several cuts were shallow and only a couple inches long. As I created more wounds they seemed to increase in length and depth though.

I already had about 30 cuts on my thigh. My skin burned and red liquid covered the surface. Tears ran down my cheek and my negative thoughts grew louder. Just one more, Rosaline. One more, make it deep. I deserve this.

Once again, I dug the razor into my leg, only this time with much more force. I pulled the steel blade away to find a gaping wound. It took a second for the blood to flood the cut. I tossed the razor into the trash can. I then sat there watching the blood dripping down my legs.

After sitting there for a few minutes I started to clean the mess. I washed the red stains off my skin by lightly dabbing with wet napkins. I didn't exactly want to put alcohol or hydrogen peroxide on the open cuts so I decided I would do that tomorrow. As I was wrapping my leg up I could hear my phone vibrating.

I quickly wrapped the gauze around my thigh and limped into my bedroom. I plopped onto the bed to check my phone. I turned on the screen finding a million notifications on my lock screen. 4 missed calls from Baby. Missed call from Vic. 3 new messages from Vic. 7 new messages from Baby.

"Shit." I whispered to myself.

I opened up Jaime's messages:
Hey lovely
Hi
Rosaline?
I haven't talked to you all day baby
please answer me? :(
Babe I'm starting to get worried
Roz honey, are you there?

Then I started to read Vic's messages:
Hey
are you ignoring Jaime? He's getting really worried...
okay you aren't answering me either, are you okay??

Shit. What have I done? I suddenly started to regret my decision to relapse. Vic and Jaime are going to get upset, they'll be so disappointed in me. I mean I'm disappointed in myself. I can't believe I just cut myself again. It's been so long and I can't believe I cracked. Seeing the guys' reactions is going to be heartbreaking. I really don't want to break the news to Jaime, I don't want to hurt him.

I picked up my phone and dialed a number. I let out a sigh as I put the phone to the side of my head. Ringing filled my ear, I waited anxiously for an answer.

"Rosaline, are you okay?" I heard from the other line.

"I need to talk to you, preferably in person." I replied.

"Alright, well I'm not busy right now. Come on over?"

"I'll be right there. Thank you, Vic." I said before hanging up the phone.

Notes

Sorry if this is too descriptive for some or not descriptive enough for others. I tried to meet in the middle to create an emotional effect but at the same time something that's not too offensive. Please don't let this get to you personally. Thank you Loves, I'll update soon!