Worlds Over, Time to Die. Nothing Left but our Souls Inside.
July 28, 2017- Danielle Perry
Being a mother is weird. First you carry a tiny body inside your body, then you push the tiny human out and then you take care of it. It’s just so weird if you really think about it. Ceil is almost six months old now. He smiles, babbles, laughs, and cries. At the same time, it’s been six months since Mike has died. It’s like I’m happy I brought a life into this world but at the same time I feel like it was an exchange, a life for a life. I’m happy Ceil is here but at the same time it’s like I’m numb. I don’t want others to know. Everyone is so happy to be with Ceil and I can’t let them know how indifferent I feel. I just want to sleep. I have forgotten what a full night's sleep feels like. I just wish he would sleep all night. No one can even placate him when he wakes up because we don’t have formula so I have to get up to feed him. I love him, he is my son, but on top of it being the end of the world now I have to look out for a tiny human.
I know I brought it on myself but it’s not fair! Life is so unfair! It’s such a cruel thing. We have gotten lucky that we have seen less and less of the monsters but what could that mean? Is something worse awaiting us? We live everyday in fear and now not only do I have to look out for myself but for Ceil also. I know a lot of the group resents me for their own reasons but none of them resent me as much as I do. I am plagued with nightmares of Mike’s death. Every time he blames me. I feel like I am losing my mind. I can’t tell anyone this thought for fear of them taking my baby.
Is it for the best? Do I not deserve him either? Would he be better off with someone else? Am I a bad mother?
I love him.. I really do.
He’s crying again. They are calling for me. I don’t know how much more of this I can take…
“Trapped inside a memory,
(save you)
I’ve lost it all
I'm falling apart”
Notes
Holy hell it's been a while. What's up guys? Is anyone still here?
What do you guys think? Are things getting better? Or is something even worse waiting for them?
Until next time...
~Raz
No not from VA just spent.a half hour researching beforehand. So glad you like it! And sorry about your heart, we feel your pain as well trust me, sometime we hate doing this to ourselves!
8/5/16