Worlds Over, Time to Die. Nothing Left but our Souls Inside.
January 1, 2016- Danielle Perry
2016..
2016..
20fucking16
Happy New Year to me right? This was not how I had planned to bring in the new year, pregnant and alone. I have no idea how far along I am and I don’t even know who the father is. I feel like if this wasn’t the end of the world I almost could have been on the TV show ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant’.
After leaving Kellin’s house and finding this new one, I found the first place I could hole up in and isolated myself from everyone, even Katelynn. I just wanted to be alone. Mike’s apology was ringing in my ears and the thought that he could be the father of my baby was almost too much to take. Then the look on Vic’s face the entire trip to the house, it nearly broke me. I had too much shit to deal with and on top of it, it was the end of the world.
Who would want to bring a kid into this? Apparently I did. Fucking shit I didn’t even want kids yet. This wasn’t the way things were supposed to go. FUCK THIS! I don’t want any of this! My boyfriend, is he even mine any more?, probably hates me. I feel like things are just all screwed up and it’s my fault. I know I should have never done what I did but it’s over now and I have to live with it.
What if this child is born and I can’t take care of it? What if I slow us down? What if the child dies because we don’t have the right equipment? No one here is even a doctor. I mean Katelynn has had a baby but she’s never delivered one.
As all those thoughts raced through my mind, I felt a pang of pain in my stomach and I had to force my mind to push those thoughts away. Once the pain was gone, I realized just how hungry I was. I left my nest and traversed to the kitchen.
-----------
I had just made it to the kitchen without running into anyone. I grabbed a few snacks and some water before scurrying back to my hidey hole in the attic. I thought I had made it in the clear when I heard a noise coming from behind the door. I sighed and opened it.
As I peeked in, I saw the last person I wanted to see, Mike. I walked in the room and pushed past him to my nest of blankets. I scattered the food around my and was just about to sit down when the smell hit me and I instantly got sick.
I ran to the corner where a basket was and threw up all in it. Mike staggered over and attempted to hold my hair back until I pushed him away. He was doing more harm than good. Finally after I felt like I couldn’t expel anymore from my body, it stopped. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and sat back with my head against the wall.
“What the fuck do you want?” I asked, tired and not in the mood for anyone's shit.
“I juzz..juz.. I’m fucking sowri okay D..” Mike slurred.
“Yeah Mike I get it. Now just go away. I want to be alone,” I mumbled, crawling to my blankets and taking a drink of the water.
“I..I fucked it..up..everything..” Mike murmured as he watched me. I watched him take a swig from a nearly empty bottle of what looked like Jack Daniels. “Appy new yearz,” he said as he got up and left.
“Yeah real fucking happy,” I replied back. I heard him mumble something along the lines of ‘No one.. Death.. Alone..’ I had no time to ask him because he was already stumbling down the stairs.
I just shook my head and ate a bit before exhaustion overtook me.
---------
I was enjoying my nap when someone gently shook me awake. It was Vic, he came to see me. He told me he wanted to talk but I told him I wasn’t feeling that well. I was thankful he had woken me up because I had been having a nightmare. I didn’t want to tell Vic about it or really anyone for that matter so I’ll tell you instead.
I had a dream that I had a full and happy pregnancy and I could feel the baby kick the entire time I was even showing. Vic and I were happy and so excited to be having a baby. The world was right and nothing seemed like it could go wrong. Then of course things fell to shit. The baby stopped kicking and I felt something, I knew something was wrong. I went to the doctor and she confirmed my fears. When I told Vic he didn’t want to believe it either. When I had to give birth to my unborn and unbreathing child, he wasn’t there. I was left alone with a huge part of me now missing.
Now I’m here alone and crying. I don’t know what to do. VIc wants to talk to me, Mike is drunk somewhere, everyone has their own problems. I feel like I am so selfish and I want someone here for me through this but who? That is the real question, who would help me through this, who would even want to help me?
I am nothing. I mean nothing to nobody. This world had it’s own problems. Why should I add one more. With that dream now I’m sure that I’m doomed to be unhappy forever.
This may very well be my last entry here as I stand here looking out the open window of this attic. I don’t even know if I should go on.
~Danielle
“Does it even make a difference? When I’m sober I feel pain.”
2016..
20fucking16
Happy New Year to me right? This was not how I had planned to bring in the new year, pregnant and alone. I have no idea how far along I am and I don’t even know who the father is. I feel like if this wasn’t the end of the world I almost could have been on the TV show ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant’.
After leaving Kellin’s house and finding this new one, I found the first place I could hole up in and isolated myself from everyone, even Katelynn. I just wanted to be alone. Mike’s apology was ringing in my ears and the thought that he could be the father of my baby was almost too much to take. Then the look on Vic’s face the entire trip to the house, it nearly broke me. I had too much shit to deal with and on top of it, it was the end of the world.
Who would want to bring a kid into this? Apparently I did. Fucking shit I didn’t even want kids yet. This wasn’t the way things were supposed to go. FUCK THIS! I don’t want any of this! My boyfriend, is he even mine any more?, probably hates me. I feel like things are just all screwed up and it’s my fault. I know I should have never done what I did but it’s over now and I have to live with it.
What if this child is born and I can’t take care of it? What if I slow us down? What if the child dies because we don’t have the right equipment? No one here is even a doctor. I mean Katelynn has had a baby but she’s never delivered one.
As all those thoughts raced through my mind, I felt a pang of pain in my stomach and I had to force my mind to push those thoughts away. Once the pain was gone, I realized just how hungry I was. I left my nest and traversed to the kitchen.
-----------
I had just made it to the kitchen without running into anyone. I grabbed a few snacks and some water before scurrying back to my hidey hole in the attic. I thought I had made it in the clear when I heard a noise coming from behind the door. I sighed and opened it.
As I peeked in, I saw the last person I wanted to see, Mike. I walked in the room and pushed past him to my nest of blankets. I scattered the food around my and was just about to sit down when the smell hit me and I instantly got sick.
I ran to the corner where a basket was and threw up all in it. Mike staggered over and attempted to hold my hair back until I pushed him away. He was doing more harm than good. Finally after I felt like I couldn’t expel anymore from my body, it stopped. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and sat back with my head against the wall.
“What the fuck do you want?” I asked, tired and not in the mood for anyone's shit.
“I juzz..juz.. I’m fucking sowri okay D..” Mike slurred.
“Yeah Mike I get it. Now just go away. I want to be alone,” I mumbled, crawling to my blankets and taking a drink of the water.
“I..I fucked it..up..everything..” Mike murmured as he watched me. I watched him take a swig from a nearly empty bottle of what looked like Jack Daniels. “Appy new yearz,” he said as he got up and left.
“Yeah real fucking happy,” I replied back. I heard him mumble something along the lines of ‘No one.. Death.. Alone..’ I had no time to ask him because he was already stumbling down the stairs.
I just shook my head and ate a bit before exhaustion overtook me.
---------
I was enjoying my nap when someone gently shook me awake. It was Vic, he came to see me. He told me he wanted to talk but I told him I wasn’t feeling that well. I was thankful he had woken me up because I had been having a nightmare. I didn’t want to tell Vic about it or really anyone for that matter so I’ll tell you instead.
I had a dream that I had a full and happy pregnancy and I could feel the baby kick the entire time I was even showing. Vic and I were happy and so excited to be having a baby. The world was right and nothing seemed like it could go wrong. Then of course things fell to shit. The baby stopped kicking and I felt something, I knew something was wrong. I went to the doctor and she confirmed my fears. When I told Vic he didn’t want to believe it either. When I had to give birth to my unborn and unbreathing child, he wasn’t there. I was left alone with a huge part of me now missing.
Now I’m here alone and crying. I don’t know what to do. VIc wants to talk to me, Mike is drunk somewhere, everyone has their own problems. I feel like I am so selfish and I want someone here for me through this but who? That is the real question, who would help me through this, who would even want to help me?
I am nothing. I mean nothing to nobody. This world had it’s own problems. Why should I add one more. With that dream now I’m sure that I’m doomed to be unhappy forever.
This may very well be my last entry here as I stand here looking out the open window of this attic. I don’t even know if I should go on.
~Danielle
“Does it even make a difference? When I’m sober I feel pain.”
Notes
HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope everyone had a fun and safe night. I know I was up until 7:30 this morning a bit buzzed and watching High School Musical haha.
Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. I have had a writers block so this is about the best I got at the moment.
Let us know what you think! We love feedback ^^
~Raz
No not from VA just spent.a half hour researching beforehand. So glad you like it! And sorry about your heart, we feel your pain as well trust me, sometime we hate doing this to ourselves!
8/5/16