Worlds Over, Time to Die. Nothing Left but our Souls Inside.

I think I have tried at least ten times today alone to write down what’s been going through my head these last few days but no matter what I started writing it didn’t seem to sound exactly how I’ve been feeling.
I feel completely empty inside…but it’s more than just that. It’s like I am not myself anymore. Victor Fuentes is no more. Part of me died when my father did. I haven’t even been able to function without him here. He’s the only reason I was able to get the group as far as I did… and now without him…I just don’t know how to continue on. I can’t.
Since the beginning of whatever you want to call this mess I have been completely relying on my dad for guidance. I never wanted to be leader. My friends, my family, they sort of pushed it on me. I didn’t want it though. I just wanted to die. The fucking world had ended and I couldn’t deal with any of it. I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I’m not a leader; I’m just a coward.
My father was the one who had convinced me to take on the role; he told me that he would always be here to help me if I needed it…it’s funny that now I am up here in a loft of an abandoned barn needing him more than ever. I just sit here trying to think of what he would say if I could talk to him right now, but I honestly don’t know what he would say…I’m just so lost.

Danielle just came up and asked me if I was okay, I told her I was…but I’m not. I’m not okay. I just lost my father. I’m in an abandoned barn somewhere in the middle of California, surrounded by damn zombies and a huge sinkhole. Everyone I have ever known is dead as far as I am concerned and I can’t deal with it. I can’t! I’m falling into a million pieces right now and I can’t stop it. I haven’t felt this shitty since high school. I just want to die…
I can’t do that though. I have too many people looking up at me for help and guidance. If I were to end it all now they might not make it out and I will not take that to my grave. I just got to put on that fake smile and act like I know what I’m doing.
Part of me wishes someone would notice that I am completely broken, and the other part of me hopes no one ever finds out. I want them to think that I am as strong as a leader as they thought I was, but at the same time I need to talk to someone. I need help but I can’t get it.
I can’t even go to my own brother of my mom because I don’t want to go to them with my problems when they’re dealing with their own. They lost Papa too, I’m not the only one suffering and I’m up here by myself moping while everyone’s downstairs trying to figure out how we are going to get enough food to last us until we get out of California.
After that last earthquake a few days ago we don’t want to stop too much more in Cali we just want to get out of here. This is no longer our home. It’s a graveyard and if we aren’t careful and quick were going to be apart of it.
Everyone is down there figuring how to save ourselves and I’m up here crying and feeling sorry for myself. It isn’t right. I got to go down there and help but I don’t really know how too. I’ll just get in the way more than I’ll help.
Now someone else is coming up the ladder to probably check on me…It’s Mike. I don’t know what he wants but I’m going to tell him the same thing I told Danielle. I am fine.

Notes