Kings And Bishops (The List)
Kings and Bishops (The List): Chapter 24
Chase away the darkness…
* * *
Something lightly tickled my face. I frowned and stifled a yawn, then turned to the other side, burying my face in the pillow and trying to go back to sleep.
“Kellin?”, Vic’s voice sounded in my ear.
I yawned again and opened an eye.
“What do you want?”, I looked at my watch, sleepy and slightly annoyed. “It’s eight a.m., why are you waking me up so early?”
“You know what day it is today, right?”
“No, and I don’t care.” I regretted for talking to him like this and I added softly: “Please, babe, let me get some more sleep, I’m tired…”
“Okay, but I’ll make you get up soon, okay? We have things to do…” I felt him hug me from the back, wrapping his arms around me gently.
“Okay, whatever…”
I closed my eyes, but I couldn’t fall asleep anymore. I just lied there silently, half-awake, listening to Vic’s calm breathing. Then my slowly awakening brain started thinking over his words and I ended up opening eyes once more.
“…Why, what day is it?”, I asked, turning around to look at him.
“It’s the second of July. Your…”, he looked away. “You know. Your last day.”
“…Shit… Yeah, I had forgotten…”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have reminded you, I’m sorry…”, Victor let out a deep sigh.
I looked into his eyes. The playful twinkle that was usually hiding in there was gone today, instead, they were full of heavy, bitter sorrow. Seeing him like this caused me almost physical pain, knowing that I was the reason he was upset. I felt obligated to do something about it, even though I was probably feeling the same way as him.
I gave him a small kiss on the lips.
“No, that’s okay. Let’s not talk about it, but let’s not waste time either. If this is my last day alive, I want to spend it doing fun stuff with you.” I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “For starters, let’s get ourselves some breakfast, like… pancakes. I haven’t eaten pancakes for ages. Then we can have a walk and go to the beach. Does it sound good to you?”
“Sounds great so far, yeah.”, a small smile appeared on his face.
I smiled too. Maybe it wasn’t that bad after all, he was going to be alright, I’d manage to cheer him up.
Without getting up, Vic wrapped his arms around me once more and pulled me back down. I thankfully sunk in the soft mattress next to him, thirsty for some more sleep, but I couldn’t let myself do that. I had to get up. I had things to do. Today every moment was precious and I couldn’t miss a thing. My eyelids weren’t listening to me, though, they went heavier…
I must’ve fallen asleep again, because Vic’s voice woke me up awhile later.
“Get up and get dressed, Bostwick.”, he ordered.
I looked at my wristwatch. Eight thirty. Well shit.
“You get up and get dressed, Fuentes, I’m too lazy.”, I murmured through another yawn.
“There’s no time for laziness, c’mon. Or I’ll kick you out of bed.”, he threatened me with a grin.
“You can try…”
I really shouldn’t have said that, because Vic wasn’t kidding about this one. Before I could even open my eyes properly, he playfully pushed me towards the edge of the bed. I gasped as I clumsily slipped down to the floor.
“Son of a bitch!”, I squealed. I managed to grab his hand in the last second and we both ended up on the ground, along with most of the bedsheets and a pillow. I took it and hit Vic with it, trying not to giggle. “Why did you do that, you idiot?!”
“You told me to, you said, I quote:”, he made quotes sign with his fingers, “ ‘You can try.’ ”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean: ‘Oh great, awesome, push me off of the bed, I don’t mind it’!”, I objected and hit him with the pillow again.
“It doesn’t? Really? Oh, well, next time please explain yourself better.”, he grinned.
“…Asshole.”, I groaned with a grin and got up, lightly punching his shoulder before I did.
“Dick.”, Vic replied just as nicely, chuckling.
I decided to drop the conversation before we end up throwing offensive names at each other, and changed the subject.
“I’ll go shave and take a shower while you’re putting your clothes on, and then we’re going out.” I saw his skinny jeans on the chair, took them and tossed them at him. “Here ya go. Be right back, gonna go make myself pretty for my funeral.”
I winked at him and disappeared in the bathroom.
Pretty for my funeral…
…That wasn’t funny. Why did I find it so hilarious, then? Fuck this, I decided, I’m not going to mourn over my own death. I was going to go with style.
* * *
…'Cause I'd do anything to hold your hand…
* * *
I jumped a little as a wave wetted my feet. We were walking by the sea, eating popsicles and talking, the noon sun shining in my eyes, almost blinding me. Young couples like us were sitting on the sand, watching the sea, exchanging a kiss or two from time to time, some teenage girls were flirting with a few boys in the water, screaming and giggling, splashing water at them; kids were running around us, swimming, playing beach volley or building sand castles; their parents were taking sunbaths or reading books, still keeping an eye on their children, because yeah, in this dangerous world you must be always sure where your son or daughter is.
This made me think of my half-brothers. Two days ago we dropped by at my mom’s house to meet my family. Even though she had watched the news and knew I’m wanted all over the country, she seemed genuinely happy to see me and invited us to stay for dinner, promising she won’t tell anyone we’ve been there. I introduced Vic as my best friend and colleague, but I think my mom perfectly knew what was going on between us two, and she didn’t seem to mind it, too.
I was standing in front of the door, my foot nervously tapping the floor.
“What if they’re not home?”, I said, my words accidentally sounding hopefully.
“Try again.”, Vic motioned at the doorbell.
I nodded and pressed it again. This time I heard approaching footsteps somewhere inside and the dark wooden door opened to reveal a short woman. She looked quite young, there were almost no wrinkles on her face, but the few grey hairs gave her in – she was at least fifty. She gave me a questioning look from behind her glasses.
“Yes, how can I help you?”
A small, hesitant smile appeared on my face. I wasn’t really sure how to respond to that, so I just murmured, a bit shyly, even though I didn’t want to sound this way:
“…Hey, mom.”
Her eyes widened.
“Kellin!”, she gasped, recognizing me. “Oh my God, what are you doing here?!”
“I just… Umm…” What should I say? I just came to say goodbye, because I’ll die in two days? No, that would be a bit too much for her. “…I was in the area and I just decided to come see you.”
“Well isn’t that a great surprise! Come here…”
She pulled me into a warm, caring hug. Hell, I wanted to hate her for leaving me, I wanted to be angry at her, but as soon as she gave me a smile, I gave up. She was my mom and I loved her, no matter what she had done. I always would. I hugged her back tightly, burying my face in her shoulder and this brought me back in my early childhood, when things hadn’t gone bad yet and I had a normal family. After awhile, she pulled back and gently touched my cheek.
“I’ve been hearing about you on the news. Is this all true?”, she tilted head, her reproaching look pierced me.
“Sort of… but not exactly”, I half-admitted. “I’ll tell you about it later, if you don’t mind, it’s a hell of a long story.”
“Okay. I promise, if you’re still wanted, I won’t tell anyone you’ve been here, okay?”
“I would be thankful if you don’t, yeah.”, I smiled again. “Thanks, mom.”
My mother waved her hand and I accidentally recognized my own reaction in this movement. I did this gesture too when I wanted to show something isn’t a big deal.
“Naaah, it’s not a problem. So… How have you been, sweetie?”
I hesitated. How had I been, really? My look moved to Vic, who was now leaning against the doorframe, watching us with a small smile and trying not to bother us. As our eyes met his smile widened, and so did mine.
“…Happy, in fact.”, I finally said. “Very, very happy.”
“Oh? Well, that’s good.”
She looked to Victor too and went silent. It took me a moment to realize she was waiting for me to introduce him to her.
“Oh, by the way, this is Vic, Victor Fuentes. He’s… he’s my… um, colleague. And best friend.”, I quickly said, touching his shoulder and gently pushing him towards my mom, to get him to greet her. He held out his hand for a handshake.
“Mrs. Bostwick. It’s an honor to meet you.”, he said politely.
“It’s nice to meet you too, Victor. I’m always glad to meet Kellin’s friends. I’m not Mrs. Bostwick anymore, though, now I’m Peters.”
Oh shit. Oh shit. The way she pronounced the word “friends” sent a cold shiver down my spine. She knew we weren’t only friends and suddenly I felt worried that she wouldn’t like that… Her smile said otherwise, though, and I slowly relaxed, realizing she doesn’t mind it.
“Are the others home?”, I asked, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen upon us.
“Your sister doesn’t live here anymore, she got married recently. Your brothers are here, though, and I’m sure they’d love to see you again.”, mom let Vic’s hand go and cast him a small, meaningful smile I couldn’t quite read, and then opened the door once more. “Come on in, boys, you can stay for dinner if you don’t have any other plans.”
“Well, actually…”, I started, but Victor interrupted me:
“We’d love to.”
“Wonderful. We’re having chicken.”
She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and led me in before I could object. But why was I still so stubbornly trying to? I mean, a dinner with my family. That sounded good.
Surprisingly, my brothers remembered me and seemed to be really glad to see me again. Having heard of me on TV too, they made me show them my gun and explain them how it works. I refused to teach them how to shoot, though, because that wasn’t a healthy hobby for a fourteen- and fifteen-year-olds. In the meantime, my mom and Vic seemed to get along amazingly well. She used to be an artist when she was younger, so they had a lot of common interests they could talk about. It was weird to see my boyfriend enthusiastically talk with my mother, who I barely even knew, and befriend her so quickly. They also shared a passion for Mexican food and soon they started exchanging recipes and cooking advices. Great. I felt kind of left out since I could barely cook, but it was nice to know they didn’t hate each other, for example. Garry, my mom’s husband, the gallery guy, showed up later, too, and he joined us for dinner. They all were very sweet and carefully kept trying to ignore the fact that Vic and I were obviously criminals, with guns hidden in our pockets. They successfully avoided the subject about the police being after us too, but I know they were all thinking about it, especially Garry, who constantly kept an eye on us. I’m not sure if he likes me much, most likely not, but I was sure he wouldn’t call the cops, because my mom would be pissed at him if he did, and trust me, no one would want to piss my mother off.
After we finished eating I pulled her aside in the corridor and told her what had happened the last couple of months, almost everything, as I tried to skip all the parts about me and Vic being together. Hearing the news I’m dying, she started crying, something I didn’t expect from her. She’s a tough woman (though everyone would become tough after years and years of domestic violence), not someone who’d waste her tears. Seeing her like this pretty much shocked me.
“No, no, mom, please, don’t…” I wiped a tear off of her face hesitantly. “You don’t need to cry, it’s okay… I’m okay… I mean, no, I’m not okay, I’m dying, but I’m okay with not being okay, I’m okay with dying, I mean… uh… I’ll be alright. Everything’s gonna be alright.”
She just shook her head slightly, watching me sadly.
“…I’m really sorry.”, she finally spoke up quietly. “I’m really sorry for not being a good mother to you, Kellin, for not being with you when I had to… I’m so sorry for all these years wasted in silence and misunderstandings. I’m not asking you to forgive me, because I know you won’t, and you can’t. What I want to say is that this… this could be your family, but I never gave you the chance to have it, even though I knew you deserved better than a drunk of a father, who often hit you. I hope it’s not too late to fix things…”
I looked to the table, where Vic, Garry and my little brothers were sitting, all laughing at Vic’s silly jokes. Yeah, this could be my family. And it was, even though I didn’t realize that on time.
“…You already have, mom. Things are just fine.” I looked at her and smiled, kind of sadly.
“You could stay the next couple of days too, if you want, until… you know…”, she gave me a hopeful look.
I shook head.
“No… No, I can’t, I’m sorry. I’ve promised Vic we’re gonna spend them together.”
“Well, that’s disappointing… Oh well.” My mother sighed and smiled back through tears. “Have fun, that’s all I can say… I love you, son.”
“I love you too, mom.”
I hugged the short woman gently, then let her go before we get too sentimental. I knew I was about to cry too, and I didn’t want to do it in front of all these people.
“Now let’s go back to the others.”, I proposed.
“Yeah, okay…”, she sniffed and wiped away a tear. “I’ve made cake for dessert…”
“…Kellin?”
I blinked. I was still on the beach, with Vic. A little kid ran past me and jumped in the sea, splashing water everywhere. I managed to step back on time and pull Vic with me, so we both stayed dry.
“What?”, I looked at him.
“Nothing… You just looked sad for a moment. What were you thinking about?”
“Doesn’t matter. I wasn’t sad, I was just… a bit nostalgic, that’s all. I’m fine now.”, I smiled at him.
“You aaaaalmost convinced me there, Kell. Aaaaaalmost.”, he grinned at me and licked his popsicle.
“Almost? I don’t know, man, I think I was quite convincing.”, I chuckled, poking him with mine.
“Not at all. No matter how hard you try, you can never trick someone, who’s a better actor than you. You just can’t.”
“Oh, come on now, don’t brag.”, I rolled eyes.
“I’m not bragging, I’m stating facts.”, he stuck his tongue out at me.
“Right, right, of cooooourse.”, I gave him the most ironic look I was capable of.
“Yup. Thanks, I’m glad you understand.”
…Damn, his irony totally killed mine.
I tried to ignore the smug expression on his face, as he knew he won this argument too. If you don’t know him well enough, Vic could seem like the most annoying person in the universe, seriously. Sometimes I felt the urge to punch him, myself, even though he was my Vic and I loved him the way he was.
“Nooo, don’t pout, Kells.”, he wrapped an arm around my waist. “I might be a better actor, but you’ve got the better looks, I gotta admit it.”
“Flatterer.”, I giggled.
“As I said, just stating facts.”, He leaned in and lightly kissed my cheek. “You’re handsome, and perfect, and I’m gonna miss seeing this beautiful face around.”
“You’ll have all those portraits.”, I reminded him.
“Yeah, but you can’t kiss a portrait, right? Well, at least not without looking weird.”, he chuckled.
“Hmm, I don’t know, then… In this case I suggest you to kiss me now, while you still can. What do you think, mm?”
“I think you have a point…”, he winked, then kissed me again, this time on the lips. We didn’t get any reproaching looks or anything like that. People here were used to seeing all kinds of weirdoes around, two guys kissing wasn’t something too unusual.
His hand slid down my arm and his fingers intertwined with mine. I squeezed it gently, returning his kiss, and opened an eye to glance at my watch. Twelve thirty. It was time for me to keep a promise.
* * *
… 'Cause I'd do anything, anything, anything…
* * *
“Look, a music store!”
“Huh, where?”
“Right there, man, right in front of you!”
“Oh! Yeah, saw it now. Okay.”
“And you call yourself observant!”, I shook head. “Ah, Vic, such a liar you are sometimes.”
“Shut uuuup, I am observant, I’m just not concentrated today. Because, you know… I’m always thinking of… You know…”
“Don’t use me for an excuse.”, I poked him in the ribs.
“Oops, sorry.” Vic looked at me and tilted head. “Anyway. Continue. A music store. So…? What do we need a music store for?”
“Um…”, I wondered if I should tell him or keep it a surprise. “I believe I owe you something.”
“You owe me… Wait… What?”
“Come on.”, I smiled at his confused expression. “You’ll see.”
“Okay…?”
I took him by the elbow and started leading him towards the shop. Vic didn’t try to object or ask questions, he was just stumbling after me and curiously watching me, waiting to find out what this was all about.
I pushed the door open and entered, still dragging my intrigued friend along. Once inside, I looked around. The store was big – it had two or three floors, there were guitars hung on the walls and on stands everywhere around us, pianos arranged in rows, flutes and mandolins lying around the place, drum sets placed in the far end of the large room. It was like some weird kind of a museum, which showed the evolution of musical instruments – old acoustic violins were set next to their skinless, shiny modern twins, grand pianos, like big black, a bit clumsy, but still elegant giants, next to the much smaller portable electric ones. I nodded at the shop assistant behind the counter and murmured a “Hi”. The man just cast me a look and came back to arranging guitar strings without greeting me back. Asshole, I thought to myself.
Vic gently touched the closest electric guitar in awe. “Why did you bring me here, Kellin? To make me feel bad I can’t buy everything? Well thank you very much, then.”, he laughed. “Seriously, spit it out already. Why are we here?”
I decided I shouldn’t exactly answer his question yet.
“Pick an acoustic guitar, whichever you want.”, I said instead.
“Why?”
He was trying to keep his look fixed at me, but it kept hungrily slipping along the endless rows of guitars – acoustic, electric and bass.
“Just do it. Since I can’t sing and play at the same time I’m gonna need you to play a few chords for me.”
“Sing and play at the same time…? A few chords…?”, he repeated slowly By his expression I could tell he had started to guess what my plan was.
“Yeah, exactly. Come on, Vic, help me up here. Take this as my dying wish or something.”
“That’s not your dying wish, Kellin, and don’t joke with that.”, Vic lightly slapped the back of my head with a grin. “But alright, I’ll do it, just because I’m a great, sweet, caring guy, who respects his boyfriend’s weirdness. Be right back.”
He started crossing the store, observing the guitars. The enthusiastic sparkle in his eyes made me smile widely, it was the sparkle of a guitarist who hasn’t seen his instrument for a really long time. He kept walking between the stands for a few minutes, touching the guitars, trying some out and then leaving them back at their places. In the end he chose a simple black acoustic Fender and struck a few chords, to hear its, as he said, “voice”. In the end he seemed to remain content because he came back to me, holding it.
“Okay, and now what?”
“Um…” I looked around and spotted a few stools in the other side of the room. “Let’s go there, shall we?”
“Kellin, I think I’m starting to figure what you’re up to…”, Vic threw me an intrigued look, full of impatience and curiosity.
“No shit, you did?”, I raised eyebrows in an exaggerated surprise.
“Yeah, oh my God, can you believe this?”, he mimicked my tone as he was sitting down on one of the stools.
I sat down beside him, watching him cross his legs and set the guitar on his lap. Once he was ready, he looked up at me.
“So, I’m gonna start this a cappella, and after you memorize the melody you can try to play some chords as an accompaniment.”, I explained. “Do you think you can do that?”
“I think I do, yeah.”, Victor replied hesitantly. “What is the song?”
“It’s, heh, it’s new, and it’s not completely finished, I started writing it for you.” I blushed slightly and smiled at him. “It’s called ‘If I’m Clyde Barrow You’re Bonnie Parker’.”
Vic giggled at the title, but I could see the surprise on his face.
“Man, you wrote a song for me? Seriously?”, he raised an eyebrow, seeming impressed.
“Apparently I did, yeah… It’s not that good, though, but I didn’t have time to work on it…”, I started shyly.
“Kellin. Shut up. You wrote a fucking song for me, I wouldn’t care even if it’s the shittiest song ever written – even though I seriously doubt it is – I would still love it, because that’s certainly the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. So go ahead. Sing.”
“Okay, right, I’m starting. Umm.” I coughed, to clear my voice. After a small pause, while I was remembering the lyrics in the begging, I started singing softly: “Stay for tonight, if you want to, I can show you what my dreams are made of, as I'm dreaming of your face… I'll be away for a long time, such a long time, and I’ll miss you there… I can't imagine being anywhere else… I can't imagine being anywhere else but here…”
My eyes met Vic’s and my voice slightly trembled. We both knew what I meant with “I’ll be away for a long time”. It was going to be a damn long time, indeed… whole eternity… I blinked, trying not to start crying in the middle of the song and, looking away, I continued.
“How the hell did you ever pick me? Honestly, ‘cause I could sing you a song… But I don't think words can express your beauty…”
Vic joined in with a quiet chord and then started following my rhythm, changing the chords every now and then. I skipped some of the verse, since I didn’t remember the rest of the lyrics. Shit, I had to bring my notebook with me… Anyway, I decided to continue and not show I got the song wrong.
“…You bring out the beast in me… I fell in love from the moment we kissed, since then we've been history…” I made a small pause before the chorus. “They say that love is forever, your forever is all that I need… Please stay as long as you need. Can't promise that things won't be broken, but I swear that I will never leave… Please stay forever with me…”
Victor looked up from the guitar, recognizing his own words in my lyrics. I nodded slightly at him, grinning. At this point he had figured out all the chords and we were playing in unison, as from time to time he was adding some backing vocals from himself. I sang another verse (some of it with la-la-la’s, since I didn’t quite remember all the text) and the chorus again, and decided to stop. Vic didn’t understand the song ended right away and kept playing for a few more seconds before realizing there isn’t going to be any more singing. He struck one last tone and stopped as well. For a minute none of us said anything. We were just watching each other, wondering what to say. Or perhaps we stayed silent, because no words could describe the love, sorrow and desperation we were feeling. This was too much. It was just too much for us to handle.
“Why is it always the brightest flame to die out the first…”, Vic spoke up after awhile. “Perfection fades first, leaving us in the mud… You’re perfect, Kellin, so perfect. The most perfect human being I’ve ever met. Why are you leaving me alone in this ugly unfriendly world…?”
“Well, I don’t have a choice, do I.”, I sighed. “…I’m sorry, Vic.”
“Sorry? You? After all you’ve done for me?”, he shook head. “Don’t be sorry, baby. People don’t apologize when they create such beautiful things. Beautiful things like this song… like this friendship… like… this relationship…”
And that was it. I couldn’t stop the tear that rolled down my cheek. Fuck this. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to whine and complain, only because my life is ending.
I wiped the tear away angrily. Enough with the sentimental bullshit.
“So… Did you like it? The song?”, I tried to smile. Thankfully, Vic smiled back right away.
“I loved it. I never knew you’ve got such an amazing voice, Kells.”
“I’m full of surprises.”, I winked.
“Indeed, you are, surprisingly.”
“You’re quite good at playing the guitar, too.”, I added. “When did you learn?”
“I think I was in ninth grade or something… I don’t quite remember. It feels like forever ago.”, he chuckled and played a short melody absent-mindedly.
I watched him as he did. His hair fell on his face, but he didn’t seem to notice this, or just chose to ignore it. I reached and gently put it back behind his ears, so I could see him.
“Do you have one?”, I asked after another minute of silence. “I mean, guitar.”
“Nope, sold mine awhile ago.”, Victor stopped playing and put the instrument aside. “Why?”
“I was just wondering if you want this one.”, I nodded at it. “You seem to like it, and if you want it, I’ll buy it for you. You know – to have something to remind you of me.”
He hesitated.
“…I wish I could say ‘Nah, you don’t need to, Kellin, really’, but hell, I want this baby so badly. It’s the best instrument I’ve ever played on.” He patted it with a half-grin.
“It’s decided, then. It would make a great goodbye gift, hm?” Noticing his expression, I regretted for the ‘goodbye gift’ bit. I didn’t mean to make him upset again. I didn’t know how to cheer him up, though, so I just continued: “So, what do you think? Are we getting it?”
“Sure!”, a content smile appeared on his face. His childish enthusiasm when it comes to gifts was adorable. Most of the time he was the more mature of both of us, but sometimes he was just one big kid, who loved candy, soccer and presents.
“Alright, then, give me that.”, I took the guitar.
“Nooo, miiiine!”, he pouted.
“Not yet.”, I reminded him, grinning at his silliness.
“Oh well. Details.”, Vic got up and followed me to the counter. “Will you sing some more for me later?”
“Mm, I might.”, I shrugged, pulling out my wallet, then hummed: “I could sing you a song, but I don't think words can express your beauty…”
“Seriously, your lyrics are so cute.”, he giggled.
“Because they’re written about a cute person.”, I pointed out.
“Written by a cute person.”, my boyfriend corrected me, smiling.
“Well… Written by a cute person for a cute person.”, I agreed.
“That works.”, he nodded approvingly.
The asshole shop assistant coughed to get our attention, annoyed.
“That’s $530.”, he said in a rude voice.
“Ah! Right.”, I put a few bills on the counter, giving him an irritated look. After that I looked around, leaned closer so the other clients couldn’t hear me, and murmured softly: “Listen, dear, only for your rudeness you deserve me to pull out my gun and take the goddamn guitar for free, but I don’t think you’d like that. Nah, I’m sure, you’ll be veeery upset. That’s why you better take my advice. Smile at people, because you never knew which one of them might turn out to be a psychotic killer. It might be me. Maybe it’s me. And you know, no one likes impolite salesboys.”
The guy behind the counter gave me a confused look. Obviously he wasn’t quite sure if I’m joking or I’m serious, and he didn’t know what exactly I meant, but he could tell I’m not really friendly. He wondered how to react for a few seconds, and then chose to just give me a dry smile and nod.
“Of course… sir.”
“Awesome. Take this for a friendly warning.”
I patted his shoulder, then took the guitar and headed to the door, taking Vic by the arm. He, himself, was hardly holding back his laughter.
“Kellin, you can’t simply walk around and threaten people with a gun only because they’re not nice to you!”, he laughed once we were out.
“Why not?”, I raised an eyebrow. “I personally find it quite fun. It makes people think twice before being rude again.”
He thought about it.
“…True. I take it back, it’s actually quite amusing, really.”
“Yup, see my point?” I poked him with an elbow. “Anyway. What do you feel like doing now?”
“Hmm, I don’t know…”
“How about a karaoke bar?”, I teased him, poking him again.
“No way.”, he shot me a glare and struck back: “Why not bowling?”
“No way.”, I repeated his words, chuckling.
“Well, we’ll think of something, then…”
I looked at my wristwatch. Almost three p.m. Time passes so quickly, when you know you don’t have much of it left…
* * *
…'Cause I would rather spend my life
vacations in bed with you like drunken summer kites…
* * *
I took a big sip from the bottle and the liquor seemed to burn my throat. Surprisingly, it had made me feel much better, that whiskey. It helped me look from the brighter side of the situation.
In the evening we had dinner in a restaurant (though we definitely didn’t order “cuisses de grenouilles”) and ate so much that I wonder how we didn’t explode. Then we went to a bar (not a karaoke one), attempted to play billiards (Vic won, twice) and got a little bit… well, drunk… (not my fault).
And then…
One last time… Our symphony of bliss, played for one last time…
Now, two hours after we had gone back to the hotel, we were lying in bed – me, Vic, and Jack Daniels – and trying to catch our breath. I pulled the sheet over me, to cover myself, and moved closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder.
“…Now I can die happy.”, I spoke, still unable to calm my heartbeats.
Another sip of that drink could help…
“Oh, yes, totally…”, he murmured, staring at the ceiling.
Without saying anything, I handed him the bottle. He thankfully took it and drank a bit, then he returned it to me. I left it on the bedside table.
“Remember when Brit made me pretend I was him?”, Vic turned to look at me after awhile. “When he made me say all that bullshit? Well, one thing I said was true, though. You really are amazing.”
“What do you mean? Amazing at this,” I patted the mattress, grinning, “or in general?”
“Both.”, he smirked.
“Mm, thank you.”, I giggled, blushing slightly, and slipped my hand across his chest. “You are, too, damn amazing.”
“Thanks…”, he blushed even more than me. “I try my best.”
Here it goes again. Awkward moment which wasn’t supposed to be that awkward, but it was, because that was simply how things between us worked.
“I can see that.”, I winked, trying to break the awkwardness. My fingers traced his ribs – he was so thin that they were visible. Vic giggled more and pushed my hand away.
“Stop it. You know I’m ticklish.”
“Oops, sorry, didn’t realize that.”, I lied, my grin widening.
“If you do it again, I’m leaving.”, he warned me.
“Okay, okay, I won’t.” I rolled over and lied on my back again. “…I’ll go clean myself up now, I might also take a shower, I don’t know. Be back soon.”
“Alright. Could you hand me the bottle before you go, though?”
“Sure.”, I took it and gave it to him. “Here you go.”
I left a small kiss on the side of his forehead, got up and disappeared in the bathroom. I came back after a few minutes, lazily crossed the room, but instead of going back to Vic, I sat on the chair and took his guitar.
“I wish I had the time to learn how too play.”, I shared, tracing the strings with my fingertips. “I can only play the piano.”
“That’s still pretty awesome.”
“I guess. Is it?” I shrugged and tried to strike a chord. The sound the guitar made was a pure torture for my ears. “Oops!” I made a face and cautiously left it back in its case. “Nope, I shouldn’t try that.”
“I would teach you if we had the time.”, Vic said, a hint of sadness in his voice.
“Some other time in some other life, maybe.”, I tried to smile. My eyes fell on the almost empty bottle. “I’ll bring another Jack and perhaps something to eat. Do you want something?”
He shrugged.
“Do we have some of that pizza left?”
“I think so… I’ll go check.”
I stood up and, without bothering to put on my boxers, I headed out of the bedroom.
* * *
…'Cause I don't want to leave without you buried by my side.
I'd rather kill the one responsible for falling stars at night…
* * *
As I passed by the window in the corridor, I stopped and looked out – the stars faded in the bright lights of the city and were barely visible, even this late at night. I stared up at them anyway, with the thought that this might be the last time I see the night sky. I tried to memorize every bit of it, then I closed eyes and thousands of pictures of it crossed my mind, pictures of other night skies I had seen before – when I was just a little kid and my dad was showing me the constellations; when I was a bit older and I was trying to count all the stars from the window of my room; when I was a teenager and I was observed them, thinking of my first crush; when I was twenty-one, just married to Jenny, and we watched a meteorite shower together from the roof of the hospital, where she used to work; when I was in the park with Vic and we kissed under the trees, not so long ago… All those moments mixed together in a beautiful memory of the starry sky, so unreal, so fragile, so distant, but at the same time so close. It had always been there, and it would still be there when I’m gone… The sky won’t remember me. The world won’t remember me. But all those people, who meant a lot to me, and, hopefully, I meant a lot to them, they would still think of me from time to time. They’d look up at the stars and smile, knowing I might be now watching them from above. If there was “above” at all…
A hand, run through my back, brought me back to reality.
“Kell… Are you okay…?”, Vic’s slightly concerned voice left a warm breath on the back of my neck. His soft touch went down to my waist and he left his hand rested on my hip.
“Yeah… I’m fine. I was just thinking.”
“I see…” Surprisingly, he didn’t ask any more questions. “I’m sorry for interrupting you, then. Want me to leave you alone for awhile?”
“No… No, stay.” I put my hand on his and slightly turned my head to look at him.
“Okay…” He gently wrapped his arms around me, hugging me from the back. “If you want me to.”, he lightly kissed my shoulder.
“Of course I do…”, I tilted my head back so my face was almost touching his. “…I took some pizza, if you’re still hungry. Come.”
I took his hand again and led him back to the bedroom. He followed me silently, keeping close to me, his hand tightly holding mine. I knew why that was. He didn’t want to let me go. And by ‘let me go’ I don’t mean literally letting go of me, I mean ‘letting me die’…
Still without saying a word, we settled on the bed, opened the box of pizza and each one took a piece. We never talked in moments like this. We both preferred being alone with our thoughts, but at the same time alone together. Being alone with someone else, who wanted to be alone too, felt a bit less… well, lonely.
The silence was broken by Vic again.
“How hadn’t we met before at work?”, he said, out of nowhere. “I mean, we must’ve gone there at the same time every day, and we even worked on the same floor. How hadn’t I bumped into you?”
“Hah, that’s an interesting question. I don’t know.” I threw him an interested look and took a bite from my slice. “Maybe we had, but we didn’t pay any attention at each other… Although if I had seen you, I’d probably remember you.”
“Why? I was just a boring, awkward and slightly annoying office worker, who only walked around, carrying folders for my colleagues, who were too lazy to get them themselves.”
“Yeah, but a very attractive awkward office worker.”, I emphasized. “Come on, Vic, I might’ve been, or at least thought I was, straight back then, but I’ve always had eyes. If I say I would notice you, I really probably would. Maybe we just hadn’t seen each other. I mean, I spent a lot of time working on my desk, I barely knew anyone, even though I had been working there for almost two years.”
“Same here, and besides, the company is big, it’s almost impossible to know everyone, who works there.”, he agreed. “…And then I literally ran into you minutes before you killed Terrance and officially became a criminal.”
“Yeah.”, I laughed a bit, remembering. “Oh, jeez, you spilled your coffee all over your shirt because of me, I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay, if you didn’t, we’d never have the chance to talk, I’d never see you shoot our boss and you’d never kidnap me. I’m actually glad you did, even if that cost me a ruined suit and a lot of fear.” He chuckled. “I never thought I’d say that, but thank you for kidnapping me.”
“You’re very welcome, it was my pleasure.”, I giggled.
“Was.”, he repeated bitterly. “Yeah.”
“Mmhm…” I stared down at the food.
We shut up again, depressing thoughts invading our minds.
“Don’t you even think about following me.”, I threw him a glance after a few minutes.
“Following you? Where?”, Vic tilted head. “…Oh! Oh, you mean… Yeah, I get it. Well, can’t say I never considered doing it. But I won’t.”
“Killing yourself wouldn’t bring me back.”, I knitted eyebrows, my face almost hurt from all the seriousness written on it.
“I know, that’s my point. Doing it would be stupid and emotional decision…”, he quickly nodded.
“Vic.” I left what was left from my piece of pizza in the box and took him by the shoulders. “Promise me. Promise me you won’t.”
He looked into my eyes, his were full of honesty and determination.
“…I promise.”
“Good.” I let him go with a nod. “Speaking of what you’re gonna do after I die, have you thought of… well, you know… what to do with my body?”
“Oh. That’s… not something I intended to discuss with you.”, he bit his lower lip. “We both know you can’t have a proper funeral…”
“Of course, I’m aware. That’s why I’m asking.”
It was weird how calmly I talked about my own corpse, how easily the words slipped out of my mouth. I had been thinking this over for awhile, I knew I can’t afford to be buried in a cemetery, since it would attract attention and potentially expose Vic to danger. The lack of a coffin and all didn’t bother me, though, I guess I just didn’t care where and how I’d spend the rest of eternity. But I wanted to know.
“Tomorrow I’ll find a place to bury you, at night so it wouldn’t look suspicious. I don’t want people to see me and think I killed you or something.” His face was starting to become pale. He gazed at the wall, avoiding eye contact. “Damn… This is horrible… I’m discussing your own burial with you. Let’s not do this, please… it’s just… wrong.”
“You’re right, yeah, let me change the subject…”, my eyes started exploring the wall as well. “…For example… let’s talk about you.”
“What about me…?”
“Well… For starters, you can take all the money I have. Take my gun, too, you’d need it now, when I can’t be with you to protect you. Watch out for cops. Actually, better move to some other country and change your identity. You can’t let yourself get caught after all the effort we’ve put in trying to keep you alive. Also, call your brother. Find yourself someone who’d love you. Marry a girl and have kids. And you better name one after me, or you’d have a very angry spirit after you. Just… have a normal family. Become a graphic designer-”
“Shh, that’s enough.”, he shut my mouth with a kiss. “Don’t tell me what to do, Bostwick.”
“Don’t tell me what not to tell you, Fuentes.”, I grinned, my giggle turned into a yawn. “…Damn. I’m starting to get tired.”
Victor looked at his watch. “It’s almost four, it’s time for you to sleep, I think. Do you want me to leave you alone? I mean… you might want to be alone when… it happens…”
“No!”, I said maybe a little too loud. “No, please, don’t leave me, please, Vic.” I gave him a desperate look.
“You sure?”, he fixed his warm eyes, which just melted my heart, on me.
“Yes, absolutely. Because… I’m afraid…”
“I know. Me too.”
“You?”, I tilted head. “What are you afraid of?”
“Losing you.”, he said simply.
I stared in his eyes for a minute, then, without saying anything, I got up and started looking for my clothes around the bed, afraid that if I try to answer I might cry. Yeah, that’s right, Kellin, run away from your problems, like you always do.
Oh, shut up, stupid voice inside my head, you know nothing.
“What are you doing?”, Vic sat up and put the box aside.
“Getting dressed.”, I murmured, slipping my pants on.
“Why?”
I stopped and looked up at him.
“Because I want to die with my clothes on, okay? Jesus…”
I didn’t mean to be this rude to him, it was just that it felt like my stomach had become a ball of worry, grief, fears and held back tears. Dammit, I didn’t want to die, I was so afraid to die, and I just… Ugh.
“…I’m sorry.”, I whispered, almost inaudible.
“It’s fine. Come back here.” Vic attempted a smile and patted the bed next to him.
* * *
… They'll never take us alive,
'cause I'll chase away the darkness…
* * *
Why did he always forgive me? I put a shirt on too and returned to him, heavily sitting down, the soft mattress making me slightly bounce.
Suddenly Vic reached and touched my face. I didn’t expect him to do this, so I jumped a little, giggling in surprise.
“What are you doing…?”
“Remembering you.”, his fingertips gently traced my pointed nose. I thought back of when we were saying goodbye to each other for the first time more than a month ago. Back then he had said the same thing. He continued: “Remembering every inch of you, so this beautiful face remains in my memory forever. Remembering you…”, he carefully traced the scar on my cheek, “…with all of your flaws… Remembering your pain…”, his hand moved down to the old cut on my chest, the one my father got me, and then back up to my jawline, “…Remembering your kisses…”, his fingers touched my lips lightly, “…Remembering your smiles… Remembering everything about you that makes you, well, you. All the little details that make you who you are.”
… I'll live in love and die…
“Vic…”, I hesitated, not knowing what to say. I tangled my fingers into his hair, desperately wanting to tell him what I feel about him, but I knew I shouldn’t, it wouldn’t be fair…
“Kellin…”, he smiled sadly. “If this is a goodbye… then I want you to know first how much you mean to me. You’re everything I have, you were my colleague, my best friend, my partner in crime, my brother, my savior, my protector, my teacher, my boyfriend, my lover, my family… You’re all I’ve got, you are my world, my everything, and without you there is no me. I love you, and I will forever keep you in a very special place inside my soul.”
“You love me?”, I blinked. I mentally cursed at myself, realizing how stupid this sounded.
“Of course I do, silly.”, his smile widened.
“I…” Fuck this. I was going to say it, finally. “…I-I-I love you too, Vic.”
Damn this stutter! I blushed, pissed at myself for sounding like a total idiot. And Vic’s wide silent grin just made me want to punch him in the face. What was he smiling at?! What was he thinking? I started to become eager. Say something already!
“I know.”, he spoke, at last.
“You… You know?!”, I raised eyebrows, not sure if I was angry at me for being a coward once more, or at him for not telling me earlier. “Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“I just wanted you to say it voluntarily.”, he shrugged his shoulders calmly.
I shook head. “You son of a bitch…”, I started.
“I know, I know. ‘Shame of you, Victor Fuentes.’ I’ve already heard that speech.”
“E…eeexactly…”, I murmured through a yawn.
… So if we're heading there together you can sing all night…
“How much do you have left?”, he asked, noticing how exhausted I look.
“Uh… About four hours, I think, but as I said, it can’t be calculated precisely…”
Another yawn. No, no, no, I had to stay awake, I shouldn’t fall asleep, if I fall asleep, I’d lose precious time I could spend with Vic, I couldn’t…
“You look tired.”, he pointed out.
“I don’t!”, I tried to object, but my look said otherwise.
“You do. You should sleep.”
“But… But I can’t, you don’t understand, I shouldn’t…” I hadn’t even realized when I had started crying, but now tears were running down my face. “I can’t, I can’t leave you, Vic…”
“Shh. You won’t leave me, I’ll be here the whole time… Come here…”, he pulled me into a tight hug. I rested my head on the pillow and thankfully accepted the embrace, holding him close to me. Suddenly all the emotions I had held back for so long exploded, turning me into a mess of tears, sobs and panic.
“I don’t want to die… Oh my God… oh my God, I’m so scared, Vic… I can’t, I-I-I just can’t die, I want to be with you, I love you… Vic…” My arms wrapped tightly around him, I was desperately pressing him to me, horrified by the thought of spending the rest of forever without him, without my Vic… Damn, why was life so unfair?! When I had finally found happiness, when I had finally found a person, who loved me for who I am, when I had finally found a purpose, I was just going to lose them again, forever. I didn’t deserve this. It was just too much.
“I love you too, Kellin.”, I felt something wet on my shoulder and it took me a moment to realize he was crying too. His voice was so calm, though, so steady. But hey, he really was a good actor… “But you should calm down now, okay? Please. You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay, both of us. You don’t need to cry…” I felt him wipe my tears away with his thumb. “We’re okay.”
I nodded weakly and repeated in a whisper: “…We’re okay…”
Victor gently stroked my hair and after a minute started quietly humming. The song had no words, it was just a slow, pretty melody, which eventually made me calm down.
… Bury me in the bedroom where I,
I can sing you to sleep all night…
I closed my eyes, wondering what my last dream would be about. Hell, I hope it won’t be a nightmare. It probably wouldn’t, though, because Vic’s singing is the ultimate cure for bad dreams. It just keeps them away.
… To live in love and die…
The last thing I felt was his lips gently kiss mine, a kiss goodbye, a kiss goodnight, a kiss good luck. I smiled a little, what was left from my tears on my face already drying.
…And I don't care if you're sick…
I don't care if you're contagious…
I would kiss you even if you were dead…
“Goodnight, Kellin… my Kellin… I love you.”
END OF CHAPTER 24
* * *
Something lightly tickled my face. I frowned and stifled a yawn, then turned to the other side, burying my face in the pillow and trying to go back to sleep.
“Kellin?”, Vic’s voice sounded in my ear.
I yawned again and opened an eye.
“What do you want?”, I looked at my watch, sleepy and slightly annoyed. “It’s eight a.m., why are you waking me up so early?”
“You know what day it is today, right?”
“No, and I don’t care.” I regretted for talking to him like this and I added softly: “Please, babe, let me get some more sleep, I’m tired…”
“Okay, but I’ll make you get up soon, okay? We have things to do…” I felt him hug me from the back, wrapping his arms around me gently.
“Okay, whatever…”
I closed my eyes, but I couldn’t fall asleep anymore. I just lied there silently, half-awake, listening to Vic’s calm breathing. Then my slowly awakening brain started thinking over his words and I ended up opening eyes once more.
“…Why, what day is it?”, I asked, turning around to look at him.
“It’s the second of July. Your…”, he looked away. “You know. Your last day.”
“…Shit… Yeah, I had forgotten…”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have reminded you, I’m sorry…”, Victor let out a deep sigh.
I looked into his eyes. The playful twinkle that was usually hiding in there was gone today, instead, they were full of heavy, bitter sorrow. Seeing him like this caused me almost physical pain, knowing that I was the reason he was upset. I felt obligated to do something about it, even though I was probably feeling the same way as him.
I gave him a small kiss on the lips.
“No, that’s okay. Let’s not talk about it, but let’s not waste time either. If this is my last day alive, I want to spend it doing fun stuff with you.” I sat up and rubbed my eyes. “For starters, let’s get ourselves some breakfast, like… pancakes. I haven’t eaten pancakes for ages. Then we can have a walk and go to the beach. Does it sound good to you?”
“Sounds great so far, yeah.”, a small smile appeared on his face.
I smiled too. Maybe it wasn’t that bad after all, he was going to be alright, I’d manage to cheer him up.
Without getting up, Vic wrapped his arms around me once more and pulled me back down. I thankfully sunk in the soft mattress next to him, thirsty for some more sleep, but I couldn’t let myself do that. I had to get up. I had things to do. Today every moment was precious and I couldn’t miss a thing. My eyelids weren’t listening to me, though, they went heavier…
I must’ve fallen asleep again, because Vic’s voice woke me up awhile later.
“Get up and get dressed, Bostwick.”, he ordered.
I looked at my wristwatch. Eight thirty. Well shit.
“You get up and get dressed, Fuentes, I’m too lazy.”, I murmured through another yawn.
“There’s no time for laziness, c’mon. Or I’ll kick you out of bed.”, he threatened me with a grin.
“You can try…”
I really shouldn’t have said that, because Vic wasn’t kidding about this one. Before I could even open my eyes properly, he playfully pushed me towards the edge of the bed. I gasped as I clumsily slipped down to the floor.
“Son of a bitch!”, I squealed. I managed to grab his hand in the last second and we both ended up on the ground, along with most of the bedsheets and a pillow. I took it and hit Vic with it, trying not to giggle. “Why did you do that, you idiot?!”
“You told me to, you said, I quote:”, he made quotes sign with his fingers, “ ‘You can try.’ ”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean: ‘Oh great, awesome, push me off of the bed, I don’t mind it’!”, I objected and hit him with the pillow again.
“It doesn’t? Really? Oh, well, next time please explain yourself better.”, he grinned.
“…Asshole.”, I groaned with a grin and got up, lightly punching his shoulder before I did.
“Dick.”, Vic replied just as nicely, chuckling.
I decided to drop the conversation before we end up throwing offensive names at each other, and changed the subject.
“I’ll go shave and take a shower while you’re putting your clothes on, and then we’re going out.” I saw his skinny jeans on the chair, took them and tossed them at him. “Here ya go. Be right back, gonna go make myself pretty for my funeral.”
I winked at him and disappeared in the bathroom.
Pretty for my funeral…
…That wasn’t funny. Why did I find it so hilarious, then? Fuck this, I decided, I’m not going to mourn over my own death. I was going to go with style.
* * *
…'Cause I'd do anything to hold your hand…
* * *
I jumped a little as a wave wetted my feet. We were walking by the sea, eating popsicles and talking, the noon sun shining in my eyes, almost blinding me. Young couples like us were sitting on the sand, watching the sea, exchanging a kiss or two from time to time, some teenage girls were flirting with a few boys in the water, screaming and giggling, splashing water at them; kids were running around us, swimming, playing beach volley or building sand castles; their parents were taking sunbaths or reading books, still keeping an eye on their children, because yeah, in this dangerous world you must be always sure where your son or daughter is.
This made me think of my half-brothers. Two days ago we dropped by at my mom’s house to meet my family. Even though she had watched the news and knew I’m wanted all over the country, she seemed genuinely happy to see me and invited us to stay for dinner, promising she won’t tell anyone we’ve been there. I introduced Vic as my best friend and colleague, but I think my mom perfectly knew what was going on between us two, and she didn’t seem to mind it, too.
I was standing in front of the door, my foot nervously tapping the floor.
“What if they’re not home?”, I said, my words accidentally sounding hopefully.
“Try again.”, Vic motioned at the doorbell.
I nodded and pressed it again. This time I heard approaching footsteps somewhere inside and the dark wooden door opened to reveal a short woman. She looked quite young, there were almost no wrinkles on her face, but the few grey hairs gave her in – she was at least fifty. She gave me a questioning look from behind her glasses.
“Yes, how can I help you?”
A small, hesitant smile appeared on my face. I wasn’t really sure how to respond to that, so I just murmured, a bit shyly, even though I didn’t want to sound this way:
“…Hey, mom.”
Her eyes widened.
“Kellin!”, she gasped, recognizing me. “Oh my God, what are you doing here?!”
“I just… Umm…” What should I say? I just came to say goodbye, because I’ll die in two days? No, that would be a bit too much for her. “…I was in the area and I just decided to come see you.”
“Well isn’t that a great surprise! Come here…”
She pulled me into a warm, caring hug. Hell, I wanted to hate her for leaving me, I wanted to be angry at her, but as soon as she gave me a smile, I gave up. She was my mom and I loved her, no matter what she had done. I always would. I hugged her back tightly, burying my face in her shoulder and this brought me back in my early childhood, when things hadn’t gone bad yet and I had a normal family. After awhile, she pulled back and gently touched my cheek.
“I’ve been hearing about you on the news. Is this all true?”, she tilted head, her reproaching look pierced me.
“Sort of… but not exactly”, I half-admitted. “I’ll tell you about it later, if you don’t mind, it’s a hell of a long story.”
“Okay. I promise, if you’re still wanted, I won’t tell anyone you’ve been here, okay?”
“I would be thankful if you don’t, yeah.”, I smiled again. “Thanks, mom.”
My mother waved her hand and I accidentally recognized my own reaction in this movement. I did this gesture too when I wanted to show something isn’t a big deal.
“Naaah, it’s not a problem. So… How have you been, sweetie?”
I hesitated. How had I been, really? My look moved to Vic, who was now leaning against the doorframe, watching us with a small smile and trying not to bother us. As our eyes met his smile widened, and so did mine.
“…Happy, in fact.”, I finally said. “Very, very happy.”
“Oh? Well, that’s good.”
She looked to Victor too and went silent. It took me a moment to realize she was waiting for me to introduce him to her.
“Oh, by the way, this is Vic, Victor Fuentes. He’s… he’s my… um, colleague. And best friend.”, I quickly said, touching his shoulder and gently pushing him towards my mom, to get him to greet her. He held out his hand for a handshake.
“Mrs. Bostwick. It’s an honor to meet you.”, he said politely.
“It’s nice to meet you too, Victor. I’m always glad to meet Kellin’s friends. I’m not Mrs. Bostwick anymore, though, now I’m Peters.”
Oh shit. Oh shit. The way she pronounced the word “friends” sent a cold shiver down my spine. She knew we weren’t only friends and suddenly I felt worried that she wouldn’t like that… Her smile said otherwise, though, and I slowly relaxed, realizing she doesn’t mind it.
“Are the others home?”, I asked, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen upon us.
“Your sister doesn’t live here anymore, she got married recently. Your brothers are here, though, and I’m sure they’d love to see you again.”, mom let Vic’s hand go and cast him a small, meaningful smile I couldn’t quite read, and then opened the door once more. “Come on in, boys, you can stay for dinner if you don’t have any other plans.”
“Well, actually…”, I started, but Victor interrupted me:
“We’d love to.”
“Wonderful. We’re having chicken.”
She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and led me in before I could object. But why was I still so stubbornly trying to? I mean, a dinner with my family. That sounded good.
Surprisingly, my brothers remembered me and seemed to be really glad to see me again. Having heard of me on TV too, they made me show them my gun and explain them how it works. I refused to teach them how to shoot, though, because that wasn’t a healthy hobby for a fourteen- and fifteen-year-olds. In the meantime, my mom and Vic seemed to get along amazingly well. She used to be an artist when she was younger, so they had a lot of common interests they could talk about. It was weird to see my boyfriend enthusiastically talk with my mother, who I barely even knew, and befriend her so quickly. They also shared a passion for Mexican food and soon they started exchanging recipes and cooking advices. Great. I felt kind of left out since I could barely cook, but it was nice to know they didn’t hate each other, for example. Garry, my mom’s husband, the gallery guy, showed up later, too, and he joined us for dinner. They all were very sweet and carefully kept trying to ignore the fact that Vic and I were obviously criminals, with guns hidden in our pockets. They successfully avoided the subject about the police being after us too, but I know they were all thinking about it, especially Garry, who constantly kept an eye on us. I’m not sure if he likes me much, most likely not, but I was sure he wouldn’t call the cops, because my mom would be pissed at him if he did, and trust me, no one would want to piss my mother off.
After we finished eating I pulled her aside in the corridor and told her what had happened the last couple of months, almost everything, as I tried to skip all the parts about me and Vic being together. Hearing the news I’m dying, she started crying, something I didn’t expect from her. She’s a tough woman (though everyone would become tough after years and years of domestic violence), not someone who’d waste her tears. Seeing her like this pretty much shocked me.
“No, no, mom, please, don’t…” I wiped a tear off of her face hesitantly. “You don’t need to cry, it’s okay… I’m okay… I mean, no, I’m not okay, I’m dying, but I’m okay with not being okay, I’m okay with dying, I mean… uh… I’ll be alright. Everything’s gonna be alright.”
She just shook her head slightly, watching me sadly.
“…I’m really sorry.”, she finally spoke up quietly. “I’m really sorry for not being a good mother to you, Kellin, for not being with you when I had to… I’m so sorry for all these years wasted in silence and misunderstandings. I’m not asking you to forgive me, because I know you won’t, and you can’t. What I want to say is that this… this could be your family, but I never gave you the chance to have it, even though I knew you deserved better than a drunk of a father, who often hit you. I hope it’s not too late to fix things…”
I looked to the table, where Vic, Garry and my little brothers were sitting, all laughing at Vic’s silly jokes. Yeah, this could be my family. And it was, even though I didn’t realize that on time.
“…You already have, mom. Things are just fine.” I looked at her and smiled, kind of sadly.
“You could stay the next couple of days too, if you want, until… you know…”, she gave me a hopeful look.
I shook head.
“No… No, I can’t, I’m sorry. I’ve promised Vic we’re gonna spend them together.”
“Well, that’s disappointing… Oh well.” My mother sighed and smiled back through tears. “Have fun, that’s all I can say… I love you, son.”
“I love you too, mom.”
I hugged the short woman gently, then let her go before we get too sentimental. I knew I was about to cry too, and I didn’t want to do it in front of all these people.
“Now let’s go back to the others.”, I proposed.
“Yeah, okay…”, she sniffed and wiped away a tear. “I’ve made cake for dessert…”
“…Kellin?”
I blinked. I was still on the beach, with Vic. A little kid ran past me and jumped in the sea, splashing water everywhere. I managed to step back on time and pull Vic with me, so we both stayed dry.
“What?”, I looked at him.
“Nothing… You just looked sad for a moment. What were you thinking about?”
“Doesn’t matter. I wasn’t sad, I was just… a bit nostalgic, that’s all. I’m fine now.”, I smiled at him.
“You aaaaalmost convinced me there, Kell. Aaaaaalmost.”, he grinned at me and licked his popsicle.
“Almost? I don’t know, man, I think I was quite convincing.”, I chuckled, poking him with mine.
“Not at all. No matter how hard you try, you can never trick someone, who’s a better actor than you. You just can’t.”
“Oh, come on now, don’t brag.”, I rolled eyes.
“I’m not bragging, I’m stating facts.”, he stuck his tongue out at me.
“Right, right, of cooooourse.”, I gave him the most ironic look I was capable of.
“Yup. Thanks, I’m glad you understand.”
…Damn, his irony totally killed mine.
I tried to ignore the smug expression on his face, as he knew he won this argument too. If you don’t know him well enough, Vic could seem like the most annoying person in the universe, seriously. Sometimes I felt the urge to punch him, myself, even though he was my Vic and I loved him the way he was.
“Nooo, don’t pout, Kells.”, he wrapped an arm around my waist. “I might be a better actor, but you’ve got the better looks, I gotta admit it.”
“Flatterer.”, I giggled.
“As I said, just stating facts.”, He leaned in and lightly kissed my cheek. “You’re handsome, and perfect, and I’m gonna miss seeing this beautiful face around.”
“You’ll have all those portraits.”, I reminded him.
“Yeah, but you can’t kiss a portrait, right? Well, at least not without looking weird.”, he chuckled.
“Hmm, I don’t know, then… In this case I suggest you to kiss me now, while you still can. What do you think, mm?”
“I think you have a point…”, he winked, then kissed me again, this time on the lips. We didn’t get any reproaching looks or anything like that. People here were used to seeing all kinds of weirdoes around, two guys kissing wasn’t something too unusual.
His hand slid down my arm and his fingers intertwined with mine. I squeezed it gently, returning his kiss, and opened an eye to glance at my watch. Twelve thirty. It was time for me to keep a promise.
* * *
… 'Cause I'd do anything, anything, anything…
* * *
“Look, a music store!”
“Huh, where?”
“Right there, man, right in front of you!”
“Oh! Yeah, saw it now. Okay.”
“And you call yourself observant!”, I shook head. “Ah, Vic, such a liar you are sometimes.”
“Shut uuuup, I am observant, I’m just not concentrated today. Because, you know… I’m always thinking of… You know…”
“Don’t use me for an excuse.”, I poked him in the ribs.
“Oops, sorry.” Vic looked at me and tilted head. “Anyway. Continue. A music store. So…? What do we need a music store for?”
“Um…”, I wondered if I should tell him or keep it a surprise. “I believe I owe you something.”
“You owe me… Wait… What?”
“Come on.”, I smiled at his confused expression. “You’ll see.”
“Okay…?”
I took him by the elbow and started leading him towards the shop. Vic didn’t try to object or ask questions, he was just stumbling after me and curiously watching me, waiting to find out what this was all about.
I pushed the door open and entered, still dragging my intrigued friend along. Once inside, I looked around. The store was big – it had two or three floors, there were guitars hung on the walls and on stands everywhere around us, pianos arranged in rows, flutes and mandolins lying around the place, drum sets placed in the far end of the large room. It was like some weird kind of a museum, which showed the evolution of musical instruments – old acoustic violins were set next to their skinless, shiny modern twins, grand pianos, like big black, a bit clumsy, but still elegant giants, next to the much smaller portable electric ones. I nodded at the shop assistant behind the counter and murmured a “Hi”. The man just cast me a look and came back to arranging guitar strings without greeting me back. Asshole, I thought to myself.
Vic gently touched the closest electric guitar in awe. “Why did you bring me here, Kellin? To make me feel bad I can’t buy everything? Well thank you very much, then.”, he laughed. “Seriously, spit it out already. Why are we here?”
I decided I shouldn’t exactly answer his question yet.
“Pick an acoustic guitar, whichever you want.”, I said instead.
“Why?”
He was trying to keep his look fixed at me, but it kept hungrily slipping along the endless rows of guitars – acoustic, electric and bass.
“Just do it. Since I can’t sing and play at the same time I’m gonna need you to play a few chords for me.”
“Sing and play at the same time…? A few chords…?”, he repeated slowly By his expression I could tell he had started to guess what my plan was.
“Yeah, exactly. Come on, Vic, help me up here. Take this as my dying wish or something.”
“That’s not your dying wish, Kellin, and don’t joke with that.”, Vic lightly slapped the back of my head with a grin. “But alright, I’ll do it, just because I’m a great, sweet, caring guy, who respects his boyfriend’s weirdness. Be right back.”
He started crossing the store, observing the guitars. The enthusiastic sparkle in his eyes made me smile widely, it was the sparkle of a guitarist who hasn’t seen his instrument for a really long time. He kept walking between the stands for a few minutes, touching the guitars, trying some out and then leaving them back at their places. In the end he chose a simple black acoustic Fender and struck a few chords, to hear its, as he said, “voice”. In the end he seemed to remain content because he came back to me, holding it.
“Okay, and now what?”
“Um…” I looked around and spotted a few stools in the other side of the room. “Let’s go there, shall we?”
“Kellin, I think I’m starting to figure what you’re up to…”, Vic threw me an intrigued look, full of impatience and curiosity.
“No shit, you did?”, I raised eyebrows in an exaggerated surprise.
“Yeah, oh my God, can you believe this?”, he mimicked my tone as he was sitting down on one of the stools.
I sat down beside him, watching him cross his legs and set the guitar on his lap. Once he was ready, he looked up at me.
“So, I’m gonna start this a cappella, and after you memorize the melody you can try to play some chords as an accompaniment.”, I explained. “Do you think you can do that?”
“I think I do, yeah.”, Victor replied hesitantly. “What is the song?”
“It’s, heh, it’s new, and it’s not completely finished, I started writing it for you.” I blushed slightly and smiled at him. “It’s called ‘If I’m Clyde Barrow You’re Bonnie Parker’.”
Vic giggled at the title, but I could see the surprise on his face.
“Man, you wrote a song for me? Seriously?”, he raised an eyebrow, seeming impressed.
“Apparently I did, yeah… It’s not that good, though, but I didn’t have time to work on it…”, I started shyly.
“Kellin. Shut up. You wrote a fucking song for me, I wouldn’t care even if it’s the shittiest song ever written – even though I seriously doubt it is – I would still love it, because that’s certainly the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. So go ahead. Sing.”
“Okay, right, I’m starting. Umm.” I coughed, to clear my voice. After a small pause, while I was remembering the lyrics in the begging, I started singing softly: “Stay for tonight, if you want to, I can show you what my dreams are made of, as I'm dreaming of your face… I'll be away for a long time, such a long time, and I’ll miss you there… I can't imagine being anywhere else… I can't imagine being anywhere else but here…”
My eyes met Vic’s and my voice slightly trembled. We both knew what I meant with “I’ll be away for a long time”. It was going to be a damn long time, indeed… whole eternity… I blinked, trying not to start crying in the middle of the song and, looking away, I continued.
“How the hell did you ever pick me? Honestly, ‘cause I could sing you a song… But I don't think words can express your beauty…”
Vic joined in with a quiet chord and then started following my rhythm, changing the chords every now and then. I skipped some of the verse, since I didn’t remember the rest of the lyrics. Shit, I had to bring my notebook with me… Anyway, I decided to continue and not show I got the song wrong.
“…You bring out the beast in me… I fell in love from the moment we kissed, since then we've been history…” I made a small pause before the chorus. “They say that love is forever, your forever is all that I need… Please stay as long as you need. Can't promise that things won't be broken, but I swear that I will never leave… Please stay forever with me…”
Victor looked up from the guitar, recognizing his own words in my lyrics. I nodded slightly at him, grinning. At this point he had figured out all the chords and we were playing in unison, as from time to time he was adding some backing vocals from himself. I sang another verse (some of it with la-la-la’s, since I didn’t quite remember all the text) and the chorus again, and decided to stop. Vic didn’t understand the song ended right away and kept playing for a few more seconds before realizing there isn’t going to be any more singing. He struck one last tone and stopped as well. For a minute none of us said anything. We were just watching each other, wondering what to say. Or perhaps we stayed silent, because no words could describe the love, sorrow and desperation we were feeling. This was too much. It was just too much for us to handle.
“Why is it always the brightest flame to die out the first…”, Vic spoke up after awhile. “Perfection fades first, leaving us in the mud… You’re perfect, Kellin, so perfect. The most perfect human being I’ve ever met. Why are you leaving me alone in this ugly unfriendly world…?”
“Well, I don’t have a choice, do I.”, I sighed. “…I’m sorry, Vic.”
“Sorry? You? After all you’ve done for me?”, he shook head. “Don’t be sorry, baby. People don’t apologize when they create such beautiful things. Beautiful things like this song… like this friendship… like… this relationship…”
And that was it. I couldn’t stop the tear that rolled down my cheek. Fuck this. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to whine and complain, only because my life is ending.
I wiped the tear away angrily. Enough with the sentimental bullshit.
“So… Did you like it? The song?”, I tried to smile. Thankfully, Vic smiled back right away.
“I loved it. I never knew you’ve got such an amazing voice, Kells.”
“I’m full of surprises.”, I winked.
“Indeed, you are, surprisingly.”
“You’re quite good at playing the guitar, too.”, I added. “When did you learn?”
“I think I was in ninth grade or something… I don’t quite remember. It feels like forever ago.”, he chuckled and played a short melody absent-mindedly.
I watched him as he did. His hair fell on his face, but he didn’t seem to notice this, or just chose to ignore it. I reached and gently put it back behind his ears, so I could see him.
“Do you have one?”, I asked after another minute of silence. “I mean, guitar.”
“Nope, sold mine awhile ago.”, Victor stopped playing and put the instrument aside. “Why?”
“I was just wondering if you want this one.”, I nodded at it. “You seem to like it, and if you want it, I’ll buy it for you. You know – to have something to remind you of me.”
He hesitated.
“…I wish I could say ‘Nah, you don’t need to, Kellin, really’, but hell, I want this baby so badly. It’s the best instrument I’ve ever played on.” He patted it with a half-grin.
“It’s decided, then. It would make a great goodbye gift, hm?” Noticing his expression, I regretted for the ‘goodbye gift’ bit. I didn’t mean to make him upset again. I didn’t know how to cheer him up, though, so I just continued: “So, what do you think? Are we getting it?”
“Sure!”, a content smile appeared on his face. His childish enthusiasm when it comes to gifts was adorable. Most of the time he was the more mature of both of us, but sometimes he was just one big kid, who loved candy, soccer and presents.
“Alright, then, give me that.”, I took the guitar.
“Nooo, miiiine!”, he pouted.
“Not yet.”, I reminded him, grinning at his silliness.
“Oh well. Details.”, Vic got up and followed me to the counter. “Will you sing some more for me later?”
“Mm, I might.”, I shrugged, pulling out my wallet, then hummed: “I could sing you a song, but I don't think words can express your beauty…”
“Seriously, your lyrics are so cute.”, he giggled.
“Because they’re written about a cute person.”, I pointed out.
“Written by a cute person.”, my boyfriend corrected me, smiling.
“Well… Written by a cute person for a cute person.”, I agreed.
“That works.”, he nodded approvingly.
The asshole shop assistant coughed to get our attention, annoyed.
“That’s $530.”, he said in a rude voice.
“Ah! Right.”, I put a few bills on the counter, giving him an irritated look. After that I looked around, leaned closer so the other clients couldn’t hear me, and murmured softly: “Listen, dear, only for your rudeness you deserve me to pull out my gun and take the goddamn guitar for free, but I don’t think you’d like that. Nah, I’m sure, you’ll be veeery upset. That’s why you better take my advice. Smile at people, because you never knew which one of them might turn out to be a psychotic killer. It might be me. Maybe it’s me. And you know, no one likes impolite salesboys.”
The guy behind the counter gave me a confused look. Obviously he wasn’t quite sure if I’m joking or I’m serious, and he didn’t know what exactly I meant, but he could tell I’m not really friendly. He wondered how to react for a few seconds, and then chose to just give me a dry smile and nod.
“Of course… sir.”
“Awesome. Take this for a friendly warning.”
I patted his shoulder, then took the guitar and headed to the door, taking Vic by the arm. He, himself, was hardly holding back his laughter.
“Kellin, you can’t simply walk around and threaten people with a gun only because they’re not nice to you!”, he laughed once we were out.
“Why not?”, I raised an eyebrow. “I personally find it quite fun. It makes people think twice before being rude again.”
He thought about it.
“…True. I take it back, it’s actually quite amusing, really.”
“Yup, see my point?” I poked him with an elbow. “Anyway. What do you feel like doing now?”
“Hmm, I don’t know…”
“How about a karaoke bar?”, I teased him, poking him again.
“No way.”, he shot me a glare and struck back: “Why not bowling?”
“No way.”, I repeated his words, chuckling.
“Well, we’ll think of something, then…”
I looked at my wristwatch. Almost three p.m. Time passes so quickly, when you know you don’t have much of it left…
* * *
…'Cause I would rather spend my life
vacations in bed with you like drunken summer kites…
* * *
I took a big sip from the bottle and the liquor seemed to burn my throat. Surprisingly, it had made me feel much better, that whiskey. It helped me look from the brighter side of the situation.
In the evening we had dinner in a restaurant (though we definitely didn’t order “cuisses de grenouilles”) and ate so much that I wonder how we didn’t explode. Then we went to a bar (not a karaoke one), attempted to play billiards (Vic won, twice) and got a little bit… well, drunk… (not my fault).
And then…
One last time… Our symphony of bliss, played for one last time…
Now, two hours after we had gone back to the hotel, we were lying in bed – me, Vic, and Jack Daniels – and trying to catch our breath. I pulled the sheet over me, to cover myself, and moved closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder.
“…Now I can die happy.”, I spoke, still unable to calm my heartbeats.
Another sip of that drink could help…
“Oh, yes, totally…”, he murmured, staring at the ceiling.
Without saying anything, I handed him the bottle. He thankfully took it and drank a bit, then he returned it to me. I left it on the bedside table.
“Remember when Brit made me pretend I was him?”, Vic turned to look at me after awhile. “When he made me say all that bullshit? Well, one thing I said was true, though. You really are amazing.”
“What do you mean? Amazing at this,” I patted the mattress, grinning, “or in general?”
“Both.”, he smirked.
“Mm, thank you.”, I giggled, blushing slightly, and slipped my hand across his chest. “You are, too, damn amazing.”
“Thanks…”, he blushed even more than me. “I try my best.”
Here it goes again. Awkward moment which wasn’t supposed to be that awkward, but it was, because that was simply how things between us worked.
“I can see that.”, I winked, trying to break the awkwardness. My fingers traced his ribs – he was so thin that they were visible. Vic giggled more and pushed my hand away.
“Stop it. You know I’m ticklish.”
“Oops, sorry, didn’t realize that.”, I lied, my grin widening.
“If you do it again, I’m leaving.”, he warned me.
“Okay, okay, I won’t.” I rolled over and lied on my back again. “…I’ll go clean myself up now, I might also take a shower, I don’t know. Be back soon.”
“Alright. Could you hand me the bottle before you go, though?”
“Sure.”, I took it and gave it to him. “Here you go.”
I left a small kiss on the side of his forehead, got up and disappeared in the bathroom. I came back after a few minutes, lazily crossed the room, but instead of going back to Vic, I sat on the chair and took his guitar.
“I wish I had the time to learn how too play.”, I shared, tracing the strings with my fingertips. “I can only play the piano.”
“That’s still pretty awesome.”
“I guess. Is it?” I shrugged and tried to strike a chord. The sound the guitar made was a pure torture for my ears. “Oops!” I made a face and cautiously left it back in its case. “Nope, I shouldn’t try that.”
“I would teach you if we had the time.”, Vic said, a hint of sadness in his voice.
“Some other time in some other life, maybe.”, I tried to smile. My eyes fell on the almost empty bottle. “I’ll bring another Jack and perhaps something to eat. Do you want something?”
He shrugged.
“Do we have some of that pizza left?”
“I think so… I’ll go check.”
I stood up and, without bothering to put on my boxers, I headed out of the bedroom.
* * *
…'Cause I don't want to leave without you buried by my side.
I'd rather kill the one responsible for falling stars at night…
* * *
As I passed by the window in the corridor, I stopped and looked out – the stars faded in the bright lights of the city and were barely visible, even this late at night. I stared up at them anyway, with the thought that this might be the last time I see the night sky. I tried to memorize every bit of it, then I closed eyes and thousands of pictures of it crossed my mind, pictures of other night skies I had seen before – when I was just a little kid and my dad was showing me the constellations; when I was a bit older and I was trying to count all the stars from the window of my room; when I was a teenager and I was observed them, thinking of my first crush; when I was twenty-one, just married to Jenny, and we watched a meteorite shower together from the roof of the hospital, where she used to work; when I was in the park with Vic and we kissed under the trees, not so long ago… All those moments mixed together in a beautiful memory of the starry sky, so unreal, so fragile, so distant, but at the same time so close. It had always been there, and it would still be there when I’m gone… The sky won’t remember me. The world won’t remember me. But all those people, who meant a lot to me, and, hopefully, I meant a lot to them, they would still think of me from time to time. They’d look up at the stars and smile, knowing I might be now watching them from above. If there was “above” at all…
A hand, run through my back, brought me back to reality.
“Kell… Are you okay…?”, Vic’s slightly concerned voice left a warm breath on the back of my neck. His soft touch went down to my waist and he left his hand rested on my hip.
“Yeah… I’m fine. I was just thinking.”
“I see…” Surprisingly, he didn’t ask any more questions. “I’m sorry for interrupting you, then. Want me to leave you alone for awhile?”
“No… No, stay.” I put my hand on his and slightly turned my head to look at him.
“Okay…” He gently wrapped his arms around me, hugging me from the back. “If you want me to.”, he lightly kissed my shoulder.
“Of course I do…”, I tilted my head back so my face was almost touching his. “…I took some pizza, if you’re still hungry. Come.”
I took his hand again and led him back to the bedroom. He followed me silently, keeping close to me, his hand tightly holding mine. I knew why that was. He didn’t want to let me go. And by ‘let me go’ I don’t mean literally letting go of me, I mean ‘letting me die’…
Still without saying a word, we settled on the bed, opened the box of pizza and each one took a piece. We never talked in moments like this. We both preferred being alone with our thoughts, but at the same time alone together. Being alone with someone else, who wanted to be alone too, felt a bit less… well, lonely.
The silence was broken by Vic again.
“How hadn’t we met before at work?”, he said, out of nowhere. “I mean, we must’ve gone there at the same time every day, and we even worked on the same floor. How hadn’t I bumped into you?”
“Hah, that’s an interesting question. I don’t know.” I threw him an interested look and took a bite from my slice. “Maybe we had, but we didn’t pay any attention at each other… Although if I had seen you, I’d probably remember you.”
“Why? I was just a boring, awkward and slightly annoying office worker, who only walked around, carrying folders for my colleagues, who were too lazy to get them themselves.”
“Yeah, but a very attractive awkward office worker.”, I emphasized. “Come on, Vic, I might’ve been, or at least thought I was, straight back then, but I’ve always had eyes. If I say I would notice you, I really probably would. Maybe we just hadn’t seen each other. I mean, I spent a lot of time working on my desk, I barely knew anyone, even though I had been working there for almost two years.”
“Same here, and besides, the company is big, it’s almost impossible to know everyone, who works there.”, he agreed. “…And then I literally ran into you minutes before you killed Terrance and officially became a criminal.”
“Yeah.”, I laughed a bit, remembering. “Oh, jeez, you spilled your coffee all over your shirt because of me, I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay, if you didn’t, we’d never have the chance to talk, I’d never see you shoot our boss and you’d never kidnap me. I’m actually glad you did, even if that cost me a ruined suit and a lot of fear.” He chuckled. “I never thought I’d say that, but thank you for kidnapping me.”
“You’re very welcome, it was my pleasure.”, I giggled.
“Was.”, he repeated bitterly. “Yeah.”
“Mmhm…” I stared down at the food.
We shut up again, depressing thoughts invading our minds.
“Don’t you even think about following me.”, I threw him a glance after a few minutes.
“Following you? Where?”, Vic tilted head. “…Oh! Oh, you mean… Yeah, I get it. Well, can’t say I never considered doing it. But I won’t.”
“Killing yourself wouldn’t bring me back.”, I knitted eyebrows, my face almost hurt from all the seriousness written on it.
“I know, that’s my point. Doing it would be stupid and emotional decision…”, he quickly nodded.
“Vic.” I left what was left from my piece of pizza in the box and took him by the shoulders. “Promise me. Promise me you won’t.”
He looked into my eyes, his were full of honesty and determination.
“…I promise.”
“Good.” I let him go with a nod. “Speaking of what you’re gonna do after I die, have you thought of… well, you know… what to do with my body?”
“Oh. That’s… not something I intended to discuss with you.”, he bit his lower lip. “We both know you can’t have a proper funeral…”
“Of course, I’m aware. That’s why I’m asking.”
It was weird how calmly I talked about my own corpse, how easily the words slipped out of my mouth. I had been thinking this over for awhile, I knew I can’t afford to be buried in a cemetery, since it would attract attention and potentially expose Vic to danger. The lack of a coffin and all didn’t bother me, though, I guess I just didn’t care where and how I’d spend the rest of eternity. But I wanted to know.
“Tomorrow I’ll find a place to bury you, at night so it wouldn’t look suspicious. I don’t want people to see me and think I killed you or something.” His face was starting to become pale. He gazed at the wall, avoiding eye contact. “Damn… This is horrible… I’m discussing your own burial with you. Let’s not do this, please… it’s just… wrong.”
“You’re right, yeah, let me change the subject…”, my eyes started exploring the wall as well. “…For example… let’s talk about you.”
“What about me…?”
“Well… For starters, you can take all the money I have. Take my gun, too, you’d need it now, when I can’t be with you to protect you. Watch out for cops. Actually, better move to some other country and change your identity. You can’t let yourself get caught after all the effort we’ve put in trying to keep you alive. Also, call your brother. Find yourself someone who’d love you. Marry a girl and have kids. And you better name one after me, or you’d have a very angry spirit after you. Just… have a normal family. Become a graphic designer-”
“Shh, that’s enough.”, he shut my mouth with a kiss. “Don’t tell me what to do, Bostwick.”
“Don’t tell me what not to tell you, Fuentes.”, I grinned, my giggle turned into a yawn. “…Damn. I’m starting to get tired.”
Victor looked at his watch. “It’s almost four, it’s time for you to sleep, I think. Do you want me to leave you alone? I mean… you might want to be alone when… it happens…”
“No!”, I said maybe a little too loud. “No, please, don’t leave me, please, Vic.” I gave him a desperate look.
“You sure?”, he fixed his warm eyes, which just melted my heart, on me.
“Yes, absolutely. Because… I’m afraid…”
“I know. Me too.”
“You?”, I tilted head. “What are you afraid of?”
“Losing you.”, he said simply.
I stared in his eyes for a minute, then, without saying anything, I got up and started looking for my clothes around the bed, afraid that if I try to answer I might cry. Yeah, that’s right, Kellin, run away from your problems, like you always do.
Oh, shut up, stupid voice inside my head, you know nothing.
“What are you doing?”, Vic sat up and put the box aside.
“Getting dressed.”, I murmured, slipping my pants on.
“Why?”
I stopped and looked up at him.
“Because I want to die with my clothes on, okay? Jesus…”
I didn’t mean to be this rude to him, it was just that it felt like my stomach had become a ball of worry, grief, fears and held back tears. Dammit, I didn’t want to die, I was so afraid to die, and I just… Ugh.
“…I’m sorry.”, I whispered, almost inaudible.
“It’s fine. Come back here.” Vic attempted a smile and patted the bed next to him.
* * *
… They'll never take us alive,
'cause I'll chase away the darkness…
* * *
Why did he always forgive me? I put a shirt on too and returned to him, heavily sitting down, the soft mattress making me slightly bounce.
Suddenly Vic reached and touched my face. I didn’t expect him to do this, so I jumped a little, giggling in surprise.
“What are you doing…?”
“Remembering you.”, his fingertips gently traced my pointed nose. I thought back of when we were saying goodbye to each other for the first time more than a month ago. Back then he had said the same thing. He continued: “Remembering every inch of you, so this beautiful face remains in my memory forever. Remembering you…”, he carefully traced the scar on my cheek, “…with all of your flaws… Remembering your pain…”, his hand moved down to the old cut on my chest, the one my father got me, and then back up to my jawline, “…Remembering your kisses…”, his fingers touched my lips lightly, “…Remembering your smiles… Remembering everything about you that makes you, well, you. All the little details that make you who you are.”
… I'll live in love and die…
“Vic…”, I hesitated, not knowing what to say. I tangled my fingers into his hair, desperately wanting to tell him what I feel about him, but I knew I shouldn’t, it wouldn’t be fair…
“Kellin…”, he smiled sadly. “If this is a goodbye… then I want you to know first how much you mean to me. You’re everything I have, you were my colleague, my best friend, my partner in crime, my brother, my savior, my protector, my teacher, my boyfriend, my lover, my family… You’re all I’ve got, you are my world, my everything, and without you there is no me. I love you, and I will forever keep you in a very special place inside my soul.”
“You love me?”, I blinked. I mentally cursed at myself, realizing how stupid this sounded.
“Of course I do, silly.”, his smile widened.
“I…” Fuck this. I was going to say it, finally. “…I-I-I love you too, Vic.”
Damn this stutter! I blushed, pissed at myself for sounding like a total idiot. And Vic’s wide silent grin just made me want to punch him in the face. What was he smiling at?! What was he thinking? I started to become eager. Say something already!
“I know.”, he spoke, at last.
“You… You know?!”, I raised eyebrows, not sure if I was angry at me for being a coward once more, or at him for not telling me earlier. “Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“I just wanted you to say it voluntarily.”, he shrugged his shoulders calmly.
I shook head. “You son of a bitch…”, I started.
“I know, I know. ‘Shame of you, Victor Fuentes.’ I’ve already heard that speech.”
“E…eeexactly…”, I murmured through a yawn.
… So if we're heading there together you can sing all night…
“How much do you have left?”, he asked, noticing how exhausted I look.
“Uh… About four hours, I think, but as I said, it can’t be calculated precisely…”
Another yawn. No, no, no, I had to stay awake, I shouldn’t fall asleep, if I fall asleep, I’d lose precious time I could spend with Vic, I couldn’t…
“You look tired.”, he pointed out.
“I don’t!”, I tried to object, but my look said otherwise.
“You do. You should sleep.”
“But… But I can’t, you don’t understand, I shouldn’t…” I hadn’t even realized when I had started crying, but now tears were running down my face. “I can’t, I can’t leave you, Vic…”
“Shh. You won’t leave me, I’ll be here the whole time… Come here…”, he pulled me into a tight hug. I rested my head on the pillow and thankfully accepted the embrace, holding him close to me. Suddenly all the emotions I had held back for so long exploded, turning me into a mess of tears, sobs and panic.
“I don’t want to die… Oh my God… oh my God, I’m so scared, Vic… I can’t, I-I-I just can’t die, I want to be with you, I love you… Vic…” My arms wrapped tightly around him, I was desperately pressing him to me, horrified by the thought of spending the rest of forever without him, without my Vic… Damn, why was life so unfair?! When I had finally found happiness, when I had finally found a person, who loved me for who I am, when I had finally found a purpose, I was just going to lose them again, forever. I didn’t deserve this. It was just too much.
“I love you too, Kellin.”, I felt something wet on my shoulder and it took me a moment to realize he was crying too. His voice was so calm, though, so steady. But hey, he really was a good actor… “But you should calm down now, okay? Please. You’ll be okay. We’ll be okay, both of us. You don’t need to cry…” I felt him wipe my tears away with his thumb. “We’re okay.”
I nodded weakly and repeated in a whisper: “…We’re okay…”
Victor gently stroked my hair and after a minute started quietly humming. The song had no words, it was just a slow, pretty melody, which eventually made me calm down.
… Bury me in the bedroom where I,
I can sing you to sleep all night…
I closed my eyes, wondering what my last dream would be about. Hell, I hope it won’t be a nightmare. It probably wouldn’t, though, because Vic’s singing is the ultimate cure for bad dreams. It just keeps them away.
… To live in love and die…
The last thing I felt was his lips gently kiss mine, a kiss goodbye, a kiss goodnight, a kiss good luck. I smiled a little, what was left from my tears on my face already drying.
…And I don't care if you're sick…
I don't care if you're contagious…
I would kiss you even if you were dead…
“Goodnight, Kellin… my Kellin… I love you.”
END OF CHAPTER 24
Notes
THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER! THERE IS ONE MORE, SO DON'T GIVE UP ON READING YETBut oh god, I cried so much while I was writing the ending of this chapter D: I'm really sorry it's so long, it's almost twice longer than my usual ones, but I decided I shouldn't shorten it or split it.
A few things:
>Kellin really has two little brothers, here they are: [link] I don't know their names, though, or how old they are.
>The "If I’m Clyde Barrow You’re Bonnie Parker" part is inspired by the acoustic version of If I'm James Dean You're Audrey Hepburn. Here it is: [link]
>As far as I know, Vic really learned how to play the guitar in ninth grade. (I read it somewhere)
>Lyrics I used are from I Don't Care If You're Contagious by PTV
I think that's all. I'm sorry if there are any typos.
EDIT: For some reasons all the italics had disappeared, so I'm sorry if it confused you, without the italics many things don't make any sense. I think I fixed that now, though, let me know if they still don't show.
OMG I know it was written a long time ago, but this is the best fanfic i've ever read<3
10/8/14