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Caraphernelia

Chapter 6 ~ The Illness

For the first time in 4 years, I feel so happy. There is definitely a big grin plastered on my face even after Jaime has left my house to his home, after our so-call reunion last night. I could not stop smiling. It feels so unbelievable that things between Jaime and me seem to fall into beautiful places in a very short time.
Did Jaime really has forgiven me for what I’ve did to him all those 14 years ago? Should I be worried that this is just part of his evil plan to revenge me?
The most important question that is playing in my mind that did I deserve this second chance with him when I know, from here and out, that both of us will never be together and forever. I started to doubt myself. Not Jaime but more to my own intention of just being here again in San Diego and of course, professing my undying love for someone that I will end up by hurting him, more than I ever did that 14 years ago.
I do not particularly mind if this is just part of Jaime plan to avenge of my wrongdoing. If he finds satisfaction in it by hurting me, well let that be. But I know of what I have in store for him, at the end of this little game will definitely overkill every evil intention that he intended for me.
And how I will hurt him more than he will ever do to me, well, I am currently on my way for my ‘irregular’ twice weekly check-up on my health condition. Well, irregular on my part that is I never seriously did visit my specialist twice weekly as per my Camas specialist has clearly instructed me to follow with the tight schedule in which she had written for me, and for my San Diego specialist to do the follow-up. Instead, I will only visit my San Diego specialist whenever I feel like it, or like today, when I know I had consume a way bit than normally allowed alcohol in my body system, from last night supper.
In fact, with my current illness, I am highly disallowed to consume any alcohol beverages of any sort. It is just kill the idea of me undergoing Palliative treatment which is used to slow down the growth of my cancer and to relieve all the painful symptoms.
Sometimes I could not help it but to allow myself to live on the edge of dying. Well, I am definitely dying of my cancer disease. It is just the matter of time now. There is absolutely no cure of my cancer, which is Liver Cancer Hepatocellular Carcinoma.
The cancer disease that I’ve got it with deadly blow in my face, a year ago and it is caused by highly consumption of alcohol beverages all those years that I had indulged myself just to separate my being from the reality and into the world where everyone seems to be highly happy. I was afraid to face the reality because I did never accept the truth of the death of my chubby 3 years old son, Perez who had died in a car crashed.
Stupid driver, more like stupid ex-husband. I blamed my ex-husband for his reckless driving which also resulted in death for him too. Not only he killed our son but he had driven me into madness and hatred for being left alone, without Perez by my side.
Never did once I blamed him for my illness, though. Because when the doctor detects that I am suffering with Liver cancer, it is like a hard slapped in the face. It is the major turning point in my life.
For a major part in my life, after Perez had left me, I started to make a steady comeback to the reality world. And when it had hit me with full force with my Camas specialist stated that the chance of me to live is through liver transplant which is highly difficult to obtain any donor.
And why should I deserve any of those donor when I am the cause of my own illness and fully aware the consequence of my heavily drinking habit. I refuse to put my name on the waiting list and dismiss such option. If this is the punishment from heaven for my rebel against God’s will, well I am ready to face my punishment with clear conscious. The only treatment that I agree to undergo is Palliative treatments, just enough for me to seek redemption for all my wrongdoing.
I never did regret with what I am suffering. It is a wake-up call for me to really appreciate the meaning of my life and amend whatever faults that I had done in my past, present and maybe future life.
So for Jaime to ruin everything that I hope to be my sweet happy ending I deserve it and after all, I did got the chance to tell him my deepest inner feeling which I did pour it, verbally and in action, by the beach.
Of course, deep in my heart, Jaime will never revenge on people. He is always the forgiving one and despite his goofiness, he is quite a thoughtful man. He is too kind to ever revenge on people who ever did wrong to him. It is just my evil thought that I allow it to consume my clear conscious.
Jaime did not know of my illness. For obvious reason, I could not bear to him looking so sad for me. I don’t want his sympathy for me. I just want to see him happy always and for now, I have no idea of how to break the new to him. He surely will find out about my destructive illness. Am I strong enough to watch him crumble, yet again?
Shaking my head, as if to clear the muddle in my mind, I have reached the hospital where I receive my cancer check-up and treatment. I’ve been visiting this ugly building for the past 6 months and never once I felt so disgusted, even as I now entering the hospital building and making a lee way to the reception area, I failed to fill my mind with happy thoughts of last night.
“Hi, I have an appointment with Dr Tito at 10 am. My name is Marcela Ramos.” I still used my marital name, in honour to Perez aka Jaime Perez Ramos, my dead son.
©♠©♠©♠
Today appointment with my San Diego Specialist had been a torture one. For 2 full hours I had to sit through countless of lectures of my well-being. Even when I had been force to go through a MRI scan, he has been standing at the other side of the room, with a mirror separating us, and he continues to nag at me through the installed speaker.
“OK fine!! I get the message, Doctor. Please can you stop being my dad for a second!!?” I finally said it out loud, this when we had return back to his vast office. In return, he gives me a death glare while his hand flips through my medical files, not really reading it with the speed of his hand flipping through the pages.
“I will arrange for you to expedite your Chemo schedule this Friday. And no running away from it, Marcela.” He stated firmly, without waiting for my reply and I just let him be. I know I am at the fault. “Alright, Tito. I’ll do as you arrange it.”
My San Diego specialist and I are on the first name basis. Sometime I will call him “Abuelito”. Well, he is a 60 years-old veteran doctor who really looks like someone favourite grandfather. And whenever we are together, I will always feel so homesick and missing my dearest Abuelito Tito. Damn!
Turning to look at me, with his grandfatherly face that I love most, he smile, “Make sure you keep your promise, Cela. This is for your health benefit. Marcela, you are already at Stage III and your cancer will spread much faster in your liver, if you keep on hindering the treatment that is meant to contain your cancer cell.”
I nodded. So suddenly I felt restless being in this room with him, I can’t stand a minute longer to hear his lamentation on my health. I need fresh air. “May I go now?”
Looking at me for another minute more, he finally nodded his head, without saying a word, he just gesture his hand to the door, for me to leave the room at last.
There is no medication provided for me today. So after getting out from the doctor office, I quickly make a lee way to exit from the hospital. As I walk ahead to the hospital main entrance, I searched for my mobile in my duffel bag. I got 10 missed calls and 9 messages from Jaime.
8 out of 9 messages that he had sent to me had written with the same messages – “Hey Baby, I miss you and love you. Please call me soon.” Only in his last message he seems to sound worried – “Hey Baby, why the silence? I’m starting to get worried. Please call me soon.”
I smile. It has only been 6 hours since we last seen each other. I quickly dial his number but then I heard my name has been call out. I turn to the sound of the voice.
“Marcela, hey over here, it’s me!” It’s Oliver Sykes. What is he doing here in the hospital? I decided to not call Jaime and instead keep my mobile again in my duffel bag.
“Hey Oliver, what are you doing here?” I asked the tattoo man as he walks towards me and stopping really close in front of me that caused me to take a step backward.
It seems that Oliver did not realise his over-cheerful behaviour. “Well, I just got out from the HR office to submit my donation to the cancer centre. How about you?” he asks a bit too eager for my liking but I quickly ignore it.
Avoiding to answer his question, I need to think fast of the best possible way for Oliver not to pry more than necessary. “Are you free now? Because I need a friend to accompany me for lunch,” I think this is the best I could come up for now.
“Sure let’s go then. I heard the hospital canteen have the best hospital food,” suggest Oliver with a wide grin. I know he is joking because the food from the hospital canteen is the worst kind of food that I ever eaten. And besides, the chances of bumping Doctor Tito again are very high. So it is best to avoid him too.
Shaking my head to show my disagreement with his suggestion, I continue, “Let’s grab lunch across the road instead. Subway, ok with you?” I did not particular wait for his reply as I dragged his arm to quickly walk out from the building.
“Woah what’s the hurry Cela?” he asked lightly as he pull away his arm from my gasp. “Sorry, but I guess I am too hungry and you kind of walk too slowly,” I smiled at him as we both walk side-by-side, at the direction of the hospital main entrance.
We laughed. And I felt his hand sneak up around my shoulder, pulling me gently against him, without no resistant from me and I even return the gestures.
©♠©♠©♠
We settled to eat our lunch at a cafe which is 2 blocks down the road from the hospital. Oliver insists on seating outside the table in front of the cafe. It is the only smoking free area for all smokers, including him. I have no particular problem with that.
“Well, this is a nice little cafe...by the roadside,” Oliver delightedly announce in his precise British accent. I just smiled at him. After a few minutes of settling ourselves in our choosing seat area, I got off the chair as I ask the British man who kind of look cute sitting opposite of me, “So what do you want to eat? I could make the order at the counter.”
By then Oliver too stand up, waving his hand to me to sit down on my chair again. “Oh I am a gentleman that will not let his lady companion who apparently look a wee bit of tired, to make food order for the bastard of me. Just allow me to do the task, alright?”
I quickly sit down and pat my face lightly. To him, I ask,” Do my face look that tired?”
“A wee bit tired,” he answered as he looks down to me. “So what do you want to eat, precious?”
“Well, just order me a club sandwich, with no lettuce, and if you can see any chocolate cake is available, can you get a piece for me?” I just randomly said it out my order, not knowing the exact food available in the menu.
“Wow, a big eater. I like that in a woman,” Oliver commented. “How about your drink? Anything strong?”
I bit lightly my lip as I think through my drink choices. “Can you get me black coffee?”
Oliver nodded his head and walk in to the direction to the cafe main entrance. I again patting my cheek and massage it, hoping that I am able to perk out any tiredness away from my facial expression. My mobile vibrate again. I took it out and a message comes through. It is from Jaime.
Without reading his message, I just hit the dial button that connects me to his line. In an instant, Jaime answered my call.
“Hello, Marcy. Where have you been?” He did not sound angry but there is a visible worried in his voice.
“I’m ok. I have a meeting just now. That’s the reason I could not answer or reply to your calls and messages.” I smiled through the phone receiver, even though Jaime would not able to see my smiling face. And white lie so easily bursting out my lip, well I did have a meeting, but minus my cancer treatment.
“Well, you worried me, sweet heart. So where are you now?” asked Jaime but his voice seems to change, more like his usual demeanour. “I am having lunch with friend,” well, Oliver is a friend and I’m not sure how will Jaime react if he knows that my lunch companion is Oliver. Their last encounter does not really go well.
“Oh ok. When you get back home please give me a call, ok? I miss you and I thought that I stop by to your house later after the band practise,” whine Jaime lovingly.
“Ok sure. Anything you want me to prepare for you later for dinner?” I asked again, out of the corner of my eyes, I saw that Oliver has comes out from the cafe and walking towards our table, carrying our lunch. I need to hurry the conversation with Jaime.
“No need. I will buy something delicious from my cousin restaurant for our dinner later. Anyway, I need to go now. Mike is back from his bloody long toilet break. God! Bye, enjoy your lunch!!”
When he reaches our table, I immediately help him to arrange our orders. Oliver had ordered himself a club sandwich too and cappuccino for his drink. “No dessert for you?” I asked as I arrange all my orders, including my chocolate cake at the side of the table.
“Nah...I’m in no particularly a dessert person,” he winks. “Is that Jaime you were on the phone? Well, I’m not prying but I thought maybe you can apologise to him of my very bad joke last night.”
I nodded my head. “I will be meeting him later tonight. Of course, I will put in a good word for you.”
Oliver and I then fall in a casual conversation as we eat our lunch. We talk about his life in Australia and his clothesline business. We did not particularly touch on the subject of my being in the hospital, but I know he is dying to ask me. And I have been succeeding dodging the question. Instead I deliberately continue our direction of conversation to my life in Camas and my restaurant that I am the proud owner.
“So what is the name of your restaurant?” Oliver asks, as he lit a cigarette after finishing all his lunch. I am leisurely eating my piece of chocolate cake. I cut a bit piece of the cake and feed to Oliver who obligingly accepts the offer food.
“Oh God. Is there cake cream dripping off my chin?” he asked and tries to wipe it clean but I smack his hand lightly instead. Lovingly I wipe clean the cream off his chin. I know his intense eyes are watching me closely. It makes me feeling awkward for a moment and I just train my eyes on the task, avoiding eye contact with him.
“It is called ‘El Matador’ the name of my restaurant.” I reply to him, and braving myself to look up into his dreamy face. Oliver just nodded his head as he took a puff to his cigarette.
Suddenly I felt so tired. All I want to do is to crawl under my blanket and allows the sleep eluded me. My appetite too had seems to left me. I push my plates away from me, and try to grab my glass of plain water which I had requested to the waitress earlier. But my hold on the glass slip and the drink spill some on to the table in front of me.
“Oh precious, be careful,” he said as he quickly grabbed the napkin to dry the table where I had spilled the water. “Precious, you look so tired. Come then, I drive you home.” He did not ask me but it is a direct order of him.
I feel so tired to argue so I allow him to take charge of my sudden change condition. Again, he holds me in his embrace as we walk back to my car which I had park just across the street. “I’ll drive,” commanded Oliver as he took the car keys away from my hand. I told him of where I live and as he maneuvers the car to the direction of my house, I laid my head back onto the car seat and close my eyes.
All the way back home, Oliver and I holds our hand together. It felt comfortable and somehow it makes me feel safe. But I just wish it is Jaime’s hand that I am holding. It is up to me to tell Jaime of my illness. I can’t keep him in the dark forever.
After a few minutes of driving, Oliver had reached my house without getting lost of the address. I wonder if he ever lives here in San Diego before. As I struggled to get off the car from my side of the door, Oliver again helps me and walks with me as we enter my house.
“Let me help you to your room. Come now,” he suggest and without waiting for my response, he just walk me to the direction of the staircase. When we reach the second floor of the 3 storeys bungalow, I point out to him the door of my bed suite.
Oliver only then let go of his hold on me when I had crawl under my pink blanket. “Could you pass me the glass of water?” I asked him as I point out to him the glass of water, with the close lid on that I always prepare at the coffee table in front of my bed suite fire place.
Obligingly Oliver passes it to me, while he seat by my side of the bed, watching me opening the drawer at the side table and taking out my anti sickness pills that I always keep it ready there. The anti sickness pills are part of my Palliative treatment and I always needed to consume the pills right after undergoing such treatment, also a very good rest too. I know Oliver saw the pills. His face tells me everything and it also tells me that he knows the meaning of the pills is. I’m sure he can put 2 things together and figure out of the illness that I am suffering now.
Oliver just watches me silently. His hands linger on top of my thigh, with my blanket separate us. His face tells a millions signs of worrisome but I know he did not know where to start with his curiosity. For now, I don’t wish to be bother with Oliver’s questions.
“Do you want me to call Austin for you? Or Jaime?” he asked softly as he take the glass away from me after I had down the pills into my throat. I just shake my head as I continue to say,”Not now. Just let me rest, ok?”
Oliver nodded his head. “I’ll wait for you until Jaime gets in here, ok?”
I nodded my head as I closed my eyes to allow the medicine to works on their magic on my condition. I have no strength to think of anyone than myself now.

Notes

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Comments

@TheDreadfullLullaby

Thank you!! I am currently writing the new chap now ^_^
Rowan Primrose Rowan Primrose
5/16/13
This is amazing please update soon.