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Fast Times At Clairemont High

Although accidents happen, they happen to me, try to forget the beginning and end.

Kellin had gone downstairs to greet his dad home, or on the other hand it could be his dad wanting to give him a lecture on same-sex couples. Either way, I was just sad that Kellin had to leave my arms. I know it's not right to think that he's mine, personally, because I know he's not 'all mine'. No he's partly mine. After all he's my boyfriend, so I get some of him I guess.
But why should I share him? He had had cuts and scars that could potentially have been because of what his parents had said or done to him. The people back at where he used to live, I'm guessing, haven't kept in contact seeing as though I hardly ever see Kellin use his phone. Nor does he have facebook, so nobody could get to him online.
Those cuts. Those cuts on my baby boy. MY baby boy, nobody elses. No way was I going to let anyone bring him so low again, not to the point he felt the need to hurt himself. I'd be there for him. There to listen to his problems. There to understand him. There to hold him, hug him, kiss him. In fact, just to be there for him all the time.

I dragged myself out of thought and decided I'd best change into 'suitable' clothing, and by suitable, I meant my clothes which were thrown around the room. I wasn't too sure if I should risk it and go downstairs. I mean, what if his dad wasn't happy about us? What if he was the true homophobic that I feared him to be? Could I really afford to think like that?
"No, Vic, you can't think like that. You don't even know what he's like yet," I mumbled under my breath. It was true. I'd gotten my first impression of him, but his reaction could have been spur of the moment. He could possibly be a really nice person. However, I wasn't going to go down yet. I'd leave it to Kellin to introduce us again and hopefully next time I'd feel less awkward around him.
On the other hand, his mother seemed nicer, and more genuine I guess you could describe her as.

I slipped on my skinny jeans and t-shirt, along with my over-sized hoodie which managed to drown out the 'sticks and stones' look that Kellin managed to see. The look I couldn't yet see about myself.
I've tried to see what Kellin see's. I've tried to tell myself that I'm 'beautiful', that I'm not fat but I'm 'skinny', but it's just not been working. I can't see through the wall I've built myself, and I have a feeling it's going to take a while to knock it down. But Kellin had promised to make me see his way, so maybe that wall will come down sooner. I hoped so anyway.

I hate feeling so insecure about myself. I also hate feeling like I've loaded Kellin down with a load of my own problems when he clearly has some of his own.
Goddamn it Vic, you're so inconsiderate of others.
"I know," I replied aloud to the voice inside my head. The voice had gotten more louder and more powerful recently. Maybe it can't handle the fact someone see's me as 'beautiful', of maybe it doesn't like the fact I'm happier now. Either way, the voice is a selfish bastard if you ask me.

I got up and began pacing the room, anxious as to when Kellin would soon be returning. The curtains were still drawn shut so I decided to go take a peek outside.

And honestly, I wish I hadn't.

From the moment my eyes looked down at the driveway I felt my heart drop, my stomach was telling me to run to the toilet, and my wrists were telling me to punish themselves.

There was Kellin, stood with another girl. No, wait. Not just 'stood', oh no, but hands on her waist too. I couldn't see his face, but by the looks of hers they were looking at each other in a way that made me feel so used and unwanted and unloved. I'm not over-reacting am I? You'd feel the same way, wouldn't you?
I couldn't look anymore so I ran through to the bathroom, the little food I had in my system going straight down into the toilet. Once I'd finished, I rested my back against the nearest hard surface with my face in my hands. So many thoughts were soaring through my head. Why couldn't he have just told me he didn't have the same feelings for me? Why did he have to lead me on in the hospital that time? Was I just a toy to him? Does he like hurting me?
Soon enough my fingers found my way into my pocket to find my wallet. Was I really going to do this to myself again? After I'd promised Kellin? Oh wait, our promises mean jack-shit don't they?
Of course you're going to do it, Vic. Just get it over with. Kellin would want you to do it.
I know.
So do it.
I will.
Right now.
I routed through my wallet to find my razor blade and hovered it over a clean area on my wrist. Tears threatened to spill over, but I can't cry yet, I tell myself.
You deserve this pain, Vic, so do it.
I dragged the blade over my wrist to make a small shallow mark.
It's not deep enough, Vic.
I brought the blade back down to my wrist to make a much deeper mark, yet it still wasn't deep enough for my liking. So a dragged it along again, opening the skin. I knew it would take at least a month for it to fully heal, and I was fine with that.
There you go, Vic. It wasn't that bad.
I watched as small blood bubbles rose to the surface which quickly turned into more of a stream and soon enough blood was dripping from my open wounds. Tears ran down my face. Why and how could he do this to me? After he told me he loved me as well?

Heavy footsteps cam up the stairs.
"Vic?" I heard someone call out, and sure enough it was Kellin. I'd recognise his voice anywhere. I tried to hold back my cries, but one managed to escape my lips. Shit.
"Vic, are you in there?" No answer.
"Are you crying?" No answer.
"Babe, please let me..."
"Don't you dare fucking 'babe' me," I screamed through the door.
"Vic, I don't under..."
"You understand, Kellin. Don't you dare give me that shit excuse. Don't you dare fucking lie to me Kellin." I could feel my blood rising, and not because I was blushing like a few minutes before he went down. No. I was angry, furious in fact.
"Victor, please tell me what's wrong. Let me in, Vic," He yelled back, his own fists pounding on the door. How could he play this off so easily?
"Kellin, leave me the fuck alone! I hate you!" No, no, no. I didn't mean that. No, oh god, I didn't mean that I swear.
"Ten minutes ago you loved me, tell me what the fuck is wrong with you, Vic."
I hated this. I hated arguing. Especially with Kellin. I stood up from my place, cleared away the fallen blood along with my wrist, flushed the toilet before opening the door.
"Why don't you fucking ask that girl you had your hands all over," I screamed again, as I pushed past him. I walked through into his bedroom and quickly began gathering the little belongings I had here at his house.
"Is this what it's all about? That girl I was just so happening to say goodbye to because chances are I'll never see her again? Fuck you, Victor."
"How could you do this to me, Kellin? I fucking love you, okay? I'd never cheat on you!" Kellin's quick response was a high pitched laugh. "You think this is funny?"
"You think I'm...Oh wow. You really think I'm that shallow, Vic?" He questioned. I couldn't reply, I was in too much of a mess to even speak anymore. Kellin neared towards me and placed his hand in mine, causing me to flinch as he brushed past my new self inflicted marks. Kellin noticed, and pushed up the sleeves to my hoodie, shaking his head with a frown on his face.
"You promised me," he whispered in a hurt tone.
"I know." I felt so ashamed of myself too. I wasn't one to break my promises.
"She's my best friend, Vic. She's leaving today and she came by to say goodbye to me. She's getting on the plane in a few hours, and chances are I won't see her again until at least a few years," he explained, along with a sigh. Guilt quickly washed over me. I wasn't one to break promises, but god, was I one to jump to conclusions too quickly.
"I love you, okay? I love only you. For crying out loud, I gave myself away to you," he said, and I could see the colour that I loved so much rise to his cheeks.
"Does that not mean anything to you?" He sounded hurt. I don't blame him though. I would be too if he had accused me of cheating. I didn't know how to respond so I pulled him into a tight hug.
"I'm so sorry," I cried into his chest. I loved the fact that Kellin was somewhat taller than me, I felt safe in his arms.
"Just promise me again, okay?" he said motioning towards my wrists. I nodded.
"So, urhm, where is it?"
"The bathroom," I replied sheepishly.
"I'll be back in a sec," he replied with a nod. Kellin left the room and I sat back down on the bed, cross legged. I knew full well what he was going to do, meaning I'd never see the little piece of metal that had consumed my life to nothing ever again.

Kellins short departure got me thinking about our small argument. Our first argument, and hopefully our last. I felt so bad. I really did tell him I hated him, didn't I? I hope he knows I didn't mean it, it was all spur o the moment. I love him. I really do love him. I've never felt this way about anyone and I'm glad I can share these feelings with Kellin. With someone who means this much to me.
I heard Kellins familiar footsteps near the room to which I sprang up off the bed. He opened the door I slammed my lips against his. Our tongues soon began fighting for dominance over one anothers, to which Kellin won. Or maybe I let him win. He soon lifted me up against his waist, my legs wrapping themselves around him, and my back soon gained contact with the wall. His hips began grinding against my own and I allowed the moans to escape my mouth this time.
"Kellin..." I moaned as I pulled away breathlessly but my lips soon connected to the soft spot on his neck.
"Kellin, I'm so sorry about before. I don't hate you, how could I hate you? I fucking love you." Kellin's response was soft moans, and a short I love you too. He walked us over to the bed and sat me down on his knees and smiled at me with a playful grin.
"So, where were we before we were rudely interrupted?"


OMG I love this story!!!!

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