Mirrors on the Outside
Chapter 22
~Laura's POV~
I try not to show it, but I'm incredibly worried about Tony. He doesn't even seem upset; playing the show with even more determination than normal. I decide to stand closer to him than usual when I sing today, just let him know that I care and I'm sorry.
I know what it's like to blame yourself for other people's actions. I've always thought, and still think, that it's entirely my fault that my dad hit me when he was drunk, that people bullied me, and that my parents left. I thought I deserved everything Craig did to me.
My face lights up as Jaime sends me a grin from across the stage, knowing that my song is up next. He's the reason that some of that blame is lifting from my shoulders. He's explicity told me and reminded me that Craig was the one that was wrong, not me. He also apologizes to me on a regular basis about my parents leaving and the bullying that led to the depression that caused that event to occur. The one thing I haven't told him about is how my dad used to abuse me.
I will someday, soon, most likely. I've just always hated talking about it, and even thinking about it. I need to stop before I get too upset. Finally the opening chords to "Hold On Till May" play and I get ready to go on stage; my last thought being about the fact that my mother used to work here, and a woman who looks oddly like her was just backstage.
That thought is removed from my mind as I head out, singing my heart out and hanging on Tony's shoulder after standing next to Vic for a bit. Turtle smiles down at me gratefully, knowing exactly what I'm doing. The song ends and the crowd is all moving and cheering, so the stoic face of a man in the back grabs my attention.
My dad.
It has to have been my mom backstage. Holy shit, they're still in the area? I....I can't believe any of this. Our eyes meet and his gaze turns angry, at the same moment my knees buckle and Tony rushes to catch me. I shake out of his arms, murmuring "I'm okay" over and over again, running to the bus.
I stand in the bathroom and stare at the mirror, suddenly starting to hate my reflection once again. It's like nothing good that's happened matters any more, all of the pain is back. I can't help it; I reach for the razor. Somewhere, deep in my mind, I know I shouldn't do this. But I can't bear this right now, especially without someone to stop me.
"I love you." Are the words I choose to carve into my forearm, the one that was recently broken. It's wonderful, hurting even more since it's been so long and my past injuries. Suddenly, there's pounding on the door behind me and I shake out of my dark thoughts. Oh shit, what have I done? I start bawling.
"Laura? Laura please open up hon please." Jaime's voice is frantic. I reach over with the little strength I have and unlock the door before I collapse. Jaime must hear it, throwing the door open.
His eyes grow wide, angry and upset but still caring. "Why Laura? Why?!" He cries out, grabbing a damp washcloth and immediately applying pressure to the wounds gushing blood on my arm. The sting makes me smile.
"They're here Jaime. They never left the place, no, they just left me. They just left the problem that they needed to cut out of their lives. Do you blame them? I don't. I don't deserve love; I don't deserve you. I just deserve pain, that's all I've earned."
I stop sobbing because I think I finally understand why so much has gone wrong in my life. I've never done the work or been strong enough to earn the happiness I've been living lately. The silence doesn't last long before Jaime's cries fill it. I reach up weakly and wipe the tears from his cheeks. "Don't cry for me Jaime. I'm not worth the effort."
His eyes flash darkly, as do Tony's behind him. "Don't you ever dare say that again, beautiful. You have done so much for all of us, you have beyond earned our love. I'm not crying for you, I'm crying with you, love. Laura, I don't know why your parents did what they did to you. But it was not your fault."
Tony echos the sentiment. "It's the same thing you told me earlier, Laura. You loved them, so of course you blame yourself for the pain. But there's nothing you could have done differently that would have made them stay."
I shake my head 'no'. "If I had been a good girl, daddy wouldn't drink. Then he wouldn't hit me. Then the kids at school wouldn't notice, and make fun of me as well as for my weight and stupidity. Then I wouldn't have failed at commiting suicide, and this could have all been okay."
"That's what you don't understand; it's going to be okay. You deserve the happiness you've been feeling lately."
"No, I don't, I can't."
Jaime pleads, "Laura, stop and listen to me. You've put a lot of trust in us, right?" I nod. "So do you think we're honest with you?" I nod again.
"Then believe me when I say I love you."
My only response is to wrap my arms around him and start soaking the chest of his shirt with tears. "I love you so much Jaime. Please, don't leave." He holds me tighter, if possible, and stands.
"I wouldn't dream of it."
~Jaime's POV~
It's taking all of my self control to not just shove Laura into one of the guys' laps, run out of here, and find and kill Laura's parents. Not only did they leave her at her most vulnerable, at such a young age nonetheless, but her father abused her. No wonder her self confidence is so low.
But I know that's not what she wants; it never could be. Laura does one thing her parents never could, she loves and cares absolutely. No matter how much they've hurt her, she cared about them, and she won't stop. My love and respect for her is the only thing keeping me from running off of this bus. Suddenly, the security guard appears.
"Sirs, ma'am, there's a couple out here for Laura? They claim to be family." Laura sits up almost immediately, clinging to me.
"How dare they! Send them away." I state angrily, but Laura shakes her head.
"No," she whispers, "I need to close this with them." It pains me, but I think she's right. I sigh heavily, really not wanting to do this, but I nod to the guard to let them in. I'm just glad Laura, Vic, Tony, and Mike are here; they should keep me from committing any criminal acts.
They walk through the door and just sort of stand there awkwardly. Vic gestures to one of the concerts, politely asking them to have a seat and state their business. Laura's dad's lips' curl into a sneer.
"So this is what's become of you." He growls in Laura's general direction, and I feel her tense up.
"Yes, sir. I'm a college graduate at 18, living with people I care about and performing my passion. I'd say I've made a great life for myself." Everyone in the room is surprised at Laura's tone, and steady words, especially her parents.
But they aren't done yet. "You worthless little bitch!" Her mom exclaims, making my mouth drop open.
I stand. "Excuse me ma'am, but we've performed at this venue. This is our home, and Laura is our family. So I'll need to kindly request that you do not address her in that manner ever again, assuming you see her after tonight."
"That little ungrateful slut is no family to anyone, with all due respect." Laura stands next to me, eyes flaming in anger.
"Not to you, I'm not. And you know what, these people deserve all the respect possible. They care about people, and they do things about it, like people should, and beyond. Even ones who aren't there responsibility, they do what they can for. Do you know what I've been through since you left? Oh right, you wouldn't. I was physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually abused for four years after your years of abuse because you left, and I had nowhere to stay except with the man who essentially raped and beat me."
To my surprise and utter disgust, Laura's revelation to them causes no reaction. "Good," her dad sneers, "If you weren't dead, at least someone was treating you as you deserve to be."
With those words, the other three guys and the security guards all stand by me and Laura. Mike, being the most intimidating of us all, speaks. "I suggest you all leave, now, before we have a problem. That is, Laura, unless you have anything else to say?"
She shakes her head and curls into my side. "There are no more words for these people. They aren't my family, they haven't been for a long time and they never will be. You all are. You are the people that love me unconditionally, and I couldn't and wouldn't ask for more. Goodbye."
I smile down at her in love. She can heal now, completely. The ties with her dark past are gone, and there is nothing but a wonderful future ahead for us all.
I try not to show it, but I'm incredibly worried about Tony. He doesn't even seem upset; playing the show with even more determination than normal. I decide to stand closer to him than usual when I sing today, just let him know that I care and I'm sorry.
I know what it's like to blame yourself for other people's actions. I've always thought, and still think, that it's entirely my fault that my dad hit me when he was drunk, that people bullied me, and that my parents left. I thought I deserved everything Craig did to me.
My face lights up as Jaime sends me a grin from across the stage, knowing that my song is up next. He's the reason that some of that blame is lifting from my shoulders. He's explicity told me and reminded me that Craig was the one that was wrong, not me. He also apologizes to me on a regular basis about my parents leaving and the bullying that led to the depression that caused that event to occur. The one thing I haven't told him about is how my dad used to abuse me.
I will someday, soon, most likely. I've just always hated talking about it, and even thinking about it. I need to stop before I get too upset. Finally the opening chords to "Hold On Till May" play and I get ready to go on stage; my last thought being about the fact that my mother used to work here, and a woman who looks oddly like her was just backstage.
That thought is removed from my mind as I head out, singing my heart out and hanging on Tony's shoulder after standing next to Vic for a bit. Turtle smiles down at me gratefully, knowing exactly what I'm doing. The song ends and the crowd is all moving and cheering, so the stoic face of a man in the back grabs my attention.
My dad.
It has to have been my mom backstage. Holy shit, they're still in the area? I....I can't believe any of this. Our eyes meet and his gaze turns angry, at the same moment my knees buckle and Tony rushes to catch me. I shake out of his arms, murmuring "I'm okay" over and over again, running to the bus.
I stand in the bathroom and stare at the mirror, suddenly starting to hate my reflection once again. It's like nothing good that's happened matters any more, all of the pain is back. I can't help it; I reach for the razor. Somewhere, deep in my mind, I know I shouldn't do this. But I can't bear this right now, especially without someone to stop me.
"I love you." Are the words I choose to carve into my forearm, the one that was recently broken. It's wonderful, hurting even more since it's been so long and my past injuries. Suddenly, there's pounding on the door behind me and I shake out of my dark thoughts. Oh shit, what have I done? I start bawling.
"Laura? Laura please open up hon please." Jaime's voice is frantic. I reach over with the little strength I have and unlock the door before I collapse. Jaime must hear it, throwing the door open.
His eyes grow wide, angry and upset but still caring. "Why Laura? Why?!" He cries out, grabbing a damp washcloth and immediately applying pressure to the wounds gushing blood on my arm. The sting makes me smile.
"They're here Jaime. They never left the place, no, they just left me. They just left the problem that they needed to cut out of their lives. Do you blame them? I don't. I don't deserve love; I don't deserve you. I just deserve pain, that's all I've earned."
I stop sobbing because I think I finally understand why so much has gone wrong in my life. I've never done the work or been strong enough to earn the happiness I've been living lately. The silence doesn't last long before Jaime's cries fill it. I reach up weakly and wipe the tears from his cheeks. "Don't cry for me Jaime. I'm not worth the effort."
His eyes flash darkly, as do Tony's behind him. "Don't you ever dare say that again, beautiful. You have done so much for all of us, you have beyond earned our love. I'm not crying for you, I'm crying with you, love. Laura, I don't know why your parents did what they did to you. But it was not your fault."
Tony echos the sentiment. "It's the same thing you told me earlier, Laura. You loved them, so of course you blame yourself for the pain. But there's nothing you could have done differently that would have made them stay."
I shake my head 'no'. "If I had been a good girl, daddy wouldn't drink. Then he wouldn't hit me. Then the kids at school wouldn't notice, and make fun of me as well as for my weight and stupidity. Then I wouldn't have failed at commiting suicide, and this could have all been okay."
"That's what you don't understand; it's going to be okay. You deserve the happiness you've been feeling lately."
"No, I don't, I can't."
Jaime pleads, "Laura, stop and listen to me. You've put a lot of trust in us, right?" I nod. "So do you think we're honest with you?" I nod again.
"Then believe me when I say I love you."
My only response is to wrap my arms around him and start soaking the chest of his shirt with tears. "I love you so much Jaime. Please, don't leave." He holds me tighter, if possible, and stands.
"I wouldn't dream of it."
~Jaime's POV~
It's taking all of my self control to not just shove Laura into one of the guys' laps, run out of here, and find and kill Laura's parents. Not only did they leave her at her most vulnerable, at such a young age nonetheless, but her father abused her. No wonder her self confidence is so low.
But I know that's not what she wants; it never could be. Laura does one thing her parents never could, she loves and cares absolutely. No matter how much they've hurt her, she cared about them, and she won't stop. My love and respect for her is the only thing keeping me from running off of this bus. Suddenly, the security guard appears.
"Sirs, ma'am, there's a couple out here for Laura? They claim to be family." Laura sits up almost immediately, clinging to me.
"How dare they! Send them away." I state angrily, but Laura shakes her head.
"No," she whispers, "I need to close this with them." It pains me, but I think she's right. I sigh heavily, really not wanting to do this, but I nod to the guard to let them in. I'm just glad Laura, Vic, Tony, and Mike are here; they should keep me from committing any criminal acts.
They walk through the door and just sort of stand there awkwardly. Vic gestures to one of the concerts, politely asking them to have a seat and state their business. Laura's dad's lips' curl into a sneer.
"So this is what's become of you." He growls in Laura's general direction, and I feel her tense up.
"Yes, sir. I'm a college graduate at 18, living with people I care about and performing my passion. I'd say I've made a great life for myself." Everyone in the room is surprised at Laura's tone, and steady words, especially her parents.
But they aren't done yet. "You worthless little bitch!" Her mom exclaims, making my mouth drop open.
I stand. "Excuse me ma'am, but we've performed at this venue. This is our home, and Laura is our family. So I'll need to kindly request that you do not address her in that manner ever again, assuming you see her after tonight."
"That little ungrateful slut is no family to anyone, with all due respect." Laura stands next to me, eyes flaming in anger.
"Not to you, I'm not. And you know what, these people deserve all the respect possible. They care about people, and they do things about it, like people should, and beyond. Even ones who aren't there responsibility, they do what they can for. Do you know what I've been through since you left? Oh right, you wouldn't. I was physically, verbally, emotionally, and sexually abused for four years after your years of abuse because you left, and I had nowhere to stay except with the man who essentially raped and beat me."
To my surprise and utter disgust, Laura's revelation to them causes no reaction. "Good," her dad sneers, "If you weren't dead, at least someone was treating you as you deserve to be."
With those words, the other three guys and the security guards all stand by me and Laura. Mike, being the most intimidating of us all, speaks. "I suggest you all leave, now, before we have a problem. That is, Laura, unless you have anything else to say?"
She shakes her head and curls into my side. "There are no more words for these people. They aren't my family, they haven't been for a long time and they never will be. You all are. You are the people that love me unconditionally, and I couldn't and wouldn't ask for more. Goodbye."
I smile down at her in love. She can heal now, completely. The ties with her dark past are gone, and there is nothing but a wonderful future ahead for us all.
8/18/13