An Alternate Ending

Christmas is supposed to be about family and spending it with the people you love right? For me it has been about drowning out the reasons why I’m alone. And for how ever long I will be alone people need to accept that it isn’t going to change due to their attempts. As much as I love my family, Matt especially; they’ll never be able to heal the heartache I’ve felt for the past two days.

All I have done is cry, so many tears for that boy. And all he has done is ignore me. Not a word has been said to me. No explination. I would probably feel a ton better if he just said, ‘it’s over, I’m back with Amanda’ but no. He hasn’t even given me that much. Maybe I don’t deserve it?

The point where I felt my heart utterly break was the minute I seen him post a scan picture on Instagram. It was the most painful sight I’ve ever seen. I shouldn’t be so bitter towards a baby, one that was created before he even knew I would be back in his life but for some sad, silly reason I can’t help but feel hate towards that child. The child’s mother is a complete bitch and the father has absolutely no respect for other people’s feelings.

I tossed and turned in my bed for what felt like the millionth time. No sleep would come to my body until I cried myself to sleep out of pain, something that was sadly becoming a routine of mine. Suddenly the craving to smoke became a hunger that I couldn’t deny myself anymore. So I pulled myself out of bed and grabbed my cigarettes off the bedside table. My hoody that hung over the end of my bed was slowly pulled over my body and zipped up. I slipped my vans onto my feet and left my bedroom, walking through the darkness and reaching my front door. Unlocking it and swinging it open, I walked out and shut it over. I began down the hallway ‘till I got to the stairwell door, where I bumped into someone. I looked up to apologise. “Sorry” I mumbled.

“Casey?” I recognised that voice straight away. I looked up properly this time and seen it was Oli. Shrugging it off, I walked through the stairwell door and up the stairs. “Case, wait up” I heard him call after me, but me being me I ignored him.

Once I reached the roof I walked over to the edge and climbed onto the side of the building and sat down. I heard the door open as Oli finally caught up. He just walked up and sat down next to me. I ignored him, pulling a cigarette out the pack and putting it in my mouth. I felt in the pocket of my hoody for my lighter and light the cigarette up. “Why you ‘ere?” I asked after blowing out a puff of smoke. I looked at him for a second and then back out into the horizon in front of me.

He didn’t say anything, I guess just trying to find an excuse because he clearly couldn’t tell me the truth right? “I came to apologise” He muttered. I rolled my eyes and took another draw of my cigarette.

“Well don’t bother sunshine, I’m totally fine” I said sarcastically to him. He just looked down and shook his head.

“I don’t understand how this happened. I didn’t mean for you to get caught up in my mess, people always get hurt when they get involved with my life” He sighed.

I didn’t even feel sorry for him but the sudden realisation that I did do the same thing to him, abandoned him when I got scared. “Well guess what Oli, I think now we’re even yeah?” I said bitterly.

“What?” He looked at me with confusion.

“I broke your heart, now you’ve broken mines. Well done there mate, congrats. Best friends!!!” I pretanded to be excited and happy.

“Why do you have to turn this sour? I came here to apologise, to say I’m sorry and that I love you. I want to be with you, even if Amanda is having my child, I want you” He tried to grab my hand.

I looked down at it for a second and then pulled it away. “No, be with Amanda. She’s gonna be the mother of your child soon, you need to try and make it work with her okay. For that child’s sake at least” I told him. He shook his head in disbelief.

“Casey don’t do this” He pleaded.

“Oli it’s for the best. You deserve complete happiness but you are only going to have more drama if you’re with me and Amanda isn’t happy with it. If you try and make a family with her and your kid then I don’t know maybe it’s best if you give it a go” I had to hold back the tears from falling.

“I love you though” He mumbled. I couldn’t help but feel my heart break. This could be the last time I ever hear those words being said to me by Oli.

“I love you too, and a part of me will always love you, but right now you need to go to your family and love them. Me? I need to find my calling again... things just need to go back to the way they were before I left. Friends?” I asked, holding my hand out for him. He wiped away a tear that fell and nodded, grabbing my hand and shaking it.

“Better than nothing at all” He said with a small smile. I nodded in agreement.

“Well, you were so closing to bedding me Sykes, but you didn’t quite make it” I nudged him playfully.

“We could always go for a quickie to see how it is?” He winked at me. I rolled my eyes and finished my cigarette off. I threw the butt away and stood up. He followed suit and we left the roof, walking down the stairs in silence.

“Hopefully I’ll see you before Christmas” I smiled up at him, even though it was hurting like Hell to look at him.

“Me too” He smiled back at me.

“I best go back to bed, I’m really tired” I lied. I just wanted to go and cry.

“Yeah, I best go too” He nodded. He turned and walked down the hallway, I watched until he disapeared. I fought back tears until I got to my flat and once I was behind the safety of my doors, I let the tears run free.

----

“I can’t believe he’s having a baby with that slag” Matt whined for what felt like the 10th time this hour. I understand his frustration but come on it’s not helpful to me now is it?

“Matt” I groaned. He just shrugged and continued playing xbox. “Mum said you’ve to stop playing that all bloody day you know” I told him.

“And that’s why I moved out” He said happily.

“Like she doesn’t know you still play it, she thinks it’s a waste of your time. ‘You’re in a very influential metal band Mathew and you want to sit on your arse playing Grand Theft Auto all day long?’” I mimicked our mums voice.

“She honestly thinks I’m some big shot, like yeah I’m in a well known band, great but I’m still a bloke. I just wanna play games, drink beer and have sex with my girlfriend” He shrugged.

“Too much information Matt” I groaned. He just laughed and restarted his level.

“You just need a bloke Case” He said quietly.

“Yeah I kinda almost had one then his bird got up the duff, now I’m sorta playing the awkward friend card so things aren’t too awkward for everyone” I huffed. I hated how it sounded, it was awful.

“Nevermind Casey, heard he’s got a small dick anyway” He laughed loudly.

“Who does?” I heard a voice ask from behind us. I looked around to see Oli standing there.

“Your dad” Matt replied.

“Oi, watch it” Oli warned Matt. He didn’t say anything, just kept playing the game. “Hey Case, what’s up?” He greeted me.

“All is good, yourself?” I tried to be polite but I just felt really awkward with him.

“I’m great, just went to see my mum and talk to her about the child to be” He announced. I just sank into my seat and zoned out. Amanda strolled in and smugly sat down next to Oli on the other sofa.

“Hey Matt” She said cheerily, “And Casey” She looked at me with the most fake smile I’ve ever seen.

“Hi Amanda, not fat yet?” I asked. She realised what I had said and wasn’t even slightly offended, which shocked me.

“No, my baby won’t show for awhile yet” She tried to sound cheery.

“How far along are you again?” I asked, curious to when this gremlin would pop out.

“I’m almost 4 month now” I looked at Oli and then Amanda again.

“You sure that baby is in there? You’re showing no signs of being pregnant at the 4 month mark” I raised an eyebrow.

“Oh and how would you know? You’re probably still a virgin” She rolled her eyes.

“Well actually I was pregnant, and had a miscarriage at 6 months so I know EXACTLY what it’s like to be pregnant you stupid, selfish bitch” Matt and Oli both looked at me with shock. More at what I said than being annoyed at what I said to Amanda.

I just stood up and walked off into the kitchen and then out into the balcony. I needed air and space to breathe. My mind was so flooded with emotions and nerves that I didn’t hear the door opening and shutting behind me. I turned and to my shock seen Amanda standing there. “Look I’m not here to get in an argument with you” She said quietly.

“Why are you here then?” I asked, confused.

“I want to apologise to you. I feel awful for that, I didn’t mean to be so mean” She explained. I just rolled my eyes. “You’ve no idea what it’s like to compete against you”She whispered.

I turned around and looked at her. “What do you mean?” I replied.

“You’re Casey, Oli will always have something for you. You’ve no idea what it’s like for other people though. I came after you, even though you and him were never really together. He loved you and trying to keep his attention is the most difficult thing that I’ve ever done, but he’s so worth it y’know” She explained. “And I would leave you to it, but you guys don’t work together. Or else you would have gotten together years ago. But you didn’t so he needs someone who loves him, someone who can give him everything he wants. You’re too unreliable for him in some ways, and I’m not saying that to try and make it sound like you don’t deserve him. I just know he needs someone grounded, family orintated and ready for being his whole life. We just got off on the wrong foot” She mumbled.

I didn’t know what to say. “I’m not the only you got off on the wrong foot with though” I shrugged. She nodded.

“They all hate me, I don’t fully understand why. I know I’m a bit loud and bitchy at times but I love Oli with everything in me. I just want to make him happy” She rubbed her tummy, which was shockingly still so small at this stage.

The early February air nipped at my nose. I looked off into the distance. “It’s okay” I said softly.

“Can we try and be friends?” She asked. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. “Despite what you think, I actually don’t have many and everyone utterly adores you, I kinda wanna get to know why and maybe I’ll find it too?” She sounded sincere.

“Okay Amanda, but break his heart and I’ll break your face okay?” I warned. She just nodded and we both walked back into the flat. This is going to be interesting...

Notes