The 50 Things Jaime Preciado Isn't Allowed To Do List
50 Last Things
I'm back by popular demand. Don't tell my band, they think I'm a danger to others. These are my last 50 things, I'm sure I'll have 50 more by the end of this tour.
101. Not allowed to use 27 packs of post it notes to label everything in the bus so the groupies don't get confused.
102. “I was cold” is a bad reason to be in the merch girls bunk.
103. Temporary insanity is not a good excuse for missing a meet and greet.
104. Do not throw up during a meet and greet, no mater how much Tequila was involved.
105. When ordering pizza, “buttload", “assload”, “shitload”, “a little bit”, or “whatever you feel like giving me”, are not accurate measurements.
106. Do not say “Oops” when cutting Tony's hair, just to be funny.
107. Tony's guitar case is not for storing beer.
108. If it’s shaped like a coffin, then it’s a coffin, dammit.
109. Don't greet Mike's new girlfriend for the first time while wearing a gold g-string and combat boots and gently ask her if she needs anything.
110. I’m not a ninja, and they can see me.
111. Jaimeism is not an actual religion. Therefore I’m not allowed to build a church, cult, or donation box for the Church of Jaimeism. Nor can I be the chaplain of said church.
112. “Ambush Sex” is not a valid substitute for the phrase “sexual assault”.
113. "Don’t ask, Don’t tell” is not an appropriate response when asked by your interviewer why you showed up in your underwear.
114. I may not refer to my other band members as the “weakest link”.
115. I also may not hold a vote to decide which member of my band we can “boot off the island”.
116. The Air Force is a military service, not how hard you blow up your inflatable “significant other”.
117. Do not try to speed while driving the bus and use the excuse “I needed to go 88 mph to achieve 1.21 jiggawatts!”
118. Do not replace all the contents of the first aid kit with Coke and whiskey.
119. I cannot trade stage time with the voices in my head.
120. I am not allowed to tell fans, “At least you smell better than the French.” while on a European tour.
121. I am not allowed to eat so many carrots that my skin turns orange and then sing the Oompa Loompa song on stage.
122. Not permitted to release ducks into the venue.
123. Not allowed to cut a lock because I’m too lazy to walk back and get the key.
124. Not allowed to use the bus for an “Ice cream run”.
125. Vic's guitar does not make a good ash tray.
126. Not allowed to convert the bus into a Pirate Ship.
127. I am not allowed to re-enact anything from Jackass.
128. I am not to see how many marshmallows I can shove up my nose.
129. When in cold countries, I am not allowed to lick poles.
130. I am not to convert people to “The Dark side”.
131. “The Dark side” does not have cookies.
132. I cannot fly and I should not test this. I will break bones.
133. Saying that I was dropped on my head at birth does not justify anything bad I have done.
134. If I start seeing Leprechauns, I’ve drunk too much.
135. Vic is not a girl even if he does look like one. I should stop trying to suggest otherwise.
136. Not allowed to sneak into hotel kitchens at three in the morning.
137. Not allowed to start a gay bar inside the bus.
138. “How the fuck do you even tie your shoes?” is not motivational.
139. Must not show up to a show in nothing but my boots and a hat.
140. Must not sneak prostitutes onto the bus. Even if it was for Casey.
141. May not continually ask “Are we there yet?” during a twenty two hour flight.
142. The bus is too big for a drive thru, I should not try to disprove this by testing it.
143. Farting into my microphone is not a proper response after Vic makes fun of me for falling on stage. Again.
144. I am not the Mexican Missy Elliot.
145. My name is not Buck, and I am not here to fuck.
146. Especially not when there are ladies around.
147. May not attempt to sell the merch girl to Middle Eastern locals for $5. Even if they offer to throw in a goat.
148. "I’m only a freshman” does not get me out of paying bills.
149. Having Jess live in my bunk is not allowed or even legal.
150. Not allowed to take over the world. Period.
Hey! So this was the final instalment. What did you think? What was your favourites? Send yours in and I'll put them in a submission chapter! Thank you for reading! Check out my other stories xo