That they found in the basement...
Numb The Pain
Its been three days since moving to New York and i hate it. I hate it so fucking much. First of all mu boss is a prick, the first conversation she had with me looks a bit like this,
"Hello Xena?" She looked at m with raised eyebrows, obviously discussed with my tattoos and hair, "Darling let me make this clear, if you want to work at Cosmo, you need to look the part. Tattoos have to go. Hair has to look normal. Clothes need to be classy. I will tell you a doctor where you can get your tattoos removed." I stared at her wide eyed. She wanted me to become some little doll. I couldn't believe it.
In the end i got the tattoos removed the next day and may i just say, I look really weird without them. I also got my hair 'normalized'. And now i walk around in floral dresses. I hate myself. Why did i accept this job? I never thought it would mean becoming someone i wasn't. But its too late now.
I sit on my couch, strumming at my guitar absently. Ive been kinda depressed since leaving California, i mean i know that i should be all excited about my new life but i miss Tony. Yes he's a lying, cheating, piece of shit, good for nothing, bastard that broke my heart, but i really did love him. And i miss him. And almost every night i'll wake up from a dream i can't remember with tears streaming down my face and i look next to me, hoping that my Tony will be there keeping me safe. I feel so lost without him. I only knew him for about two months for god sakes. I look nothing like myself, if the old me saw what i see every morning when i look in the mirror she would be disgusted. She would say 'where are the tattoos? The epic hair? Dark makeup? Leather jacket, band t-shirt, ripped skinny jeans? Where did the spiked earrings go? Whats with all of the skirts and floral shit? Who are you?'. And thats how i feel every morning gazing into my mirror. I don't see myself anymore. I see a broken hearted girl wearing a mask that screams 'i am untouchable, you can't make me feel anything.'. And its true i guess. Im basically dead, I'm just waiting for my body to catch up. I don't even work that much. I write an article on sex and then turn it in at the end of the month. Thats it. Im home almost everyday. Im falling apart and i don't have a friend in the world who can put me back together. What if i ended it? What if i just took my kitchen knife and made a nice little slit in my neck arteries? No one would miss me. Tony would never know the difference... No. I am happy. I will be happy. Someday... Maybe... If I survive that long...
I slowly reach for my phone and go through my contacts. What if i called Vic or Jaime? That wouldn't be a bad thing right? It can't hurt. You can't really hurt something thats already broken. I go to Vic's contact and press the call icon. This may be one of my stupidest ideas ever.
"Hi Vic." I whisper trying to hold back tears. I miss him. I miss everything. And i feel so ungrateful, those boys helped my when i had nothing, now I'm gone and i didn't even have the decency to leave them a note.
"Sorry who is this?"
"Oh my god, where are you? Ive called everywhere and no one knows where you are. I tried to call your old number but it said you changed it. We were so scared."
"Who exactly is 'we'?"
"Me and Jaime and Mike and Tony. Duh, Tony's a wreck."
"Vic you can't expect me to believe that. Tony and his cheating ass are the reason i left."
"Wait he hasn't told you?"
"Told me what?" Wow, Tony is even lower than i thought possible.
"He's engaged. He was dating another girl while he dated me and now they're engaged. Im surprised he didn't tell you. Mikey knew."
"One moment." Vic said and i could hear him setting his phone down and he started yelling. "TONY FUCKING PERRY GET YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN HERE BEFORE I GET IT DOWN HERE FOR YOU!"
"Jesus man, what do you need?"
"I need you to explain why Xena just called and told me that you were engaged to anther girl!"
"Wait Xena called you?" Tony almost sounded excited.
"Yes and can you hurry up, she's still on the phone waiting for me."
"She's still there?" I hear feet shuffling.
"Xena? Is that you? Are you there?" Tony yells into the phone.
I can't do it. I can't talk to him. It hurts too much. Even hearing his voice sounds like heartbreak. I hang up before i do anything stupid. Or stupider.
I should probably go to bed. At least i can't be an idiot when I'm sleeping. I crawl between my sheets and slowly drift off.
Ive been asleep for god knows how ling when i hear a knock on my door. What the fuck? Who comes knocking at- I look at my phone- 3 in the morning. I roll out of my bed and walk to my apartment door. Cautiously opening it i peer out into the hall.
"Hello, is there a Xena Fox here?" Tony stands there looking a bit confused. Oh my god. He's here. Well he doesn't know its me so i can probably get him to go away.
I muster up my stupidest dumb bitch voice and say, "I know you from somewhere, wait oh my god! You were at the Grammy's!!! What was it like being near 1D? And 5SOS, OMG they are perfection!!!!!"
He looks at me like I'm a psycho. Perfect. "Ummm never mind." He says and walks away quickly. What the hell is he doing in New York? Well i mean its kinda obvious but still. I run and grab my phone. I dial Vics number and wait for him to pick up.
"VICTOR VINCENT FUENTES WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?"
"YOUR GOOD FOR NOTHING GUITARIST JUST SHOWED UP AT MY DOOR ASKING FOR ME, THANK GOD HE DIDNT RECOGNISE ME BUT WHAT IS HE DOING IN NEW YORK?"
"Wait slow down who's in new york?"
"Tony. And he's looking for me and Vic please, Im begging you, get him back to California and never let him come back here. I don't know who told him where i was but just do something, anything. Make hime forget me. Tell him how what he did makes me want to die every single day and its taring me apart." And with that i hang up the phone and realize I'm sobbing.
Sorry for not updating... Ive been really busy...-Brooke