|June 2014|

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I leaned against the side of the tent as the line continued to ring. The show was over and I just feel…..low. Performing and seeing the smiles on those fans faces just made me feel so guilty. I left shortly after Michael woke up to help Adrian with the merch tents. I saw Scout giving me a smile. I did not smile back.

“Hello?” His not-so-husky voice spoke. It made my heart yearn for him even more. It’s only the first day of tour and I’ve managed to make a mess out of things.

“Hey,” I whispered. I don’t know what to say, I’m actually not in the mood to talk to anyone. I wanted to be alone, but I’m worry for my own sake to be alone. I don’t want the self-destruction to happen again. Just the thought makes my hips ache.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, sounding more concern. I heard shuffling around in the background.

“Lights, what’s wrong?”

“I hit Michael Bohn with a rental car and I, uhm- had to perform in his replacement.” I whispered again.

‘"Then what’s wrong?”

“I’ve disappointed the fans.” I said, tears free falling from my face. “They looked so happy to see me and I’m not performing again. I got their hopes up.” I start sob, gaining the nearby attention of nearby passers. “And it felt so good to be on stage.”

“Lights, please,” He begged. But I continued to sob.

“I don’t want to be here!” I bury my one free hand into my face as I turned my attention away from the fans who were looking behind the merch tent.

“You need to,” he said calmly. I could hear the meows of my sweet baby cat. I went from a dog lover to a cat lover; part of the steps of leaving my life of Ellie behind.

“I just want you.” I whisper, wiping the tears from my face. I let my fingers trail down the pole, feeling the wind shuffle.

“I want you too, every day, but I’m willing to wait until you’re okay.” He spoke, I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Beau,” I had to keep myself from smiling.

“It’s gonna be okay,” He said as calmly as ever. “You need to spend time with your brother and friends. All this stress and worrying isn’t good. You helped me when Val divorced me.”

“Which is the evidence for every reason why I should be home with you.” I could hear him chuckling on the other end, like this was just the funniest thing ever.

“I’ll make you a deal.”

“I’m listening,”

“Okay. If I hear that you’re better. Better enough to perform and not feel guilty,”

“Beau-”

“Or. Or, just better enough to start writing again, I’ll come and fly out to whatever date you’re at and I’ll take you home.” The thought made made butterflies appear in my stomach. As long as we’ve been dating (about ten months), we’ve never been involved with each other in that kind of way. And the thought just literally made me all fluttery inside.

It’s weird, my taste in men. Since Austin (the 1st time), each guy I’ve dated has been married. When Austin and I got back together, he was divorce, and now Beau is divorced.“Is that okay?”

“It’s okay.”

“Now real quick and then I’ll let you leave, why and how did you hit Michael with a car?”

“It was by accident and I blame Tyler and David 150%.”

“Ellie?” My eyes widen as I stop moving at the sound of his voice.

“Beau, I have to go,”

“Okay, well I-” I hung up before he could finish. I turned around and saw the sadden look on his face. I hadn’t realize the depressed version of me was also the asshole version of me. I’ve purposely blocked him out of my life for the past six months and that was wrong.
Everyone hates asshole Me.

“Look, I’m sorry about yesterday,” Before he could get his sentence out, I ran to him in three strideful steps and brought him in a hug. I start to cry happy and sad tears into his shoulder as his arms wrapped back around me, tightening my body against his.

We were a giant mess of tears and laughs, but I swear, it felt good to have him back. I tighten my arms around his shoulder and pressed my body against his so hard, I had to stand on my tippy toes to be able to still hang on to him.

“Shayley, just shut up. I miss my best friend.”

Notes