For What It's Worth..

I watched as the town buildings rushed past me, giving me a sense of familiarity of my old home. I checked my phone, wondering if in the last five minutes of driving with my grandfather and Kuza that Chris texted me. Feeling a little disheartened that he didnt made me want to scold myself.

I thought I was long past this highschool habit when cell phones were first becoming a thing; that men and women alike became so attached too that they forgot who was around them. I looked beside me too my grandpa, and he caught my gaze and gave me a reassuring smile.

“Sorry Don.” I grimace. “I’m acting a little high strung huh?”

“Don’t worry about it girl. I’m just happy that you’re here again. And it's nice getting to know one of your new friends.” He was speaking of course, of Kuza. I turned around and caught Kuzas eye. He smiled. “You doing okay? He can ask alot of questions.” I asked him.

He held a hand up, in a shrugging manner. “I don’t mind. I haven’t been to Canada before, so I get too learn a little bit to.”

I laughed, and then felt bad all the same. Kuza was taking this all in stride, the threats, the arguments, the chaos of it all seemed less than bothersome too him. Although, in reality, that's where I envied him of course. I wish for a moment that I was an outsider looking into this mess where Karon didn't exist, she didn't threaten my families and I wish that I could talk to Chris about the baby? Fetus?

My heart fell when the words baby and Chris where in the same sentence. He became so much more careful around me since it happened, and he barely spoke a word of it, if at all. I wanted so bad too have talked to him before he left for his tour, and figure out where we stood on the matter, too have some kind of openness about it, and get through it together. It scared the crap out of me for sure, when the doctor told me what happened. I had never been pregnant before, so I had no idea what I was feeling was completely natural or not. The pain was extraordinary, only comparing to the pain of my heart shattering to pieces as it processed the fact that I am- was, with child. Chris’ child, of all things that would have made me happier beyond belief.

And now, a week later, I was trying to process meanings that may or may not be true. I was still trying too gauge Chris’ reaction to the whole thing, and he looked terrified before his face switched to one of comfort; for my sake I knew that.


But I couldn't help thinking that maybe if I didn't have the miscarriage, than there was a chance, perhaps a big chance, that Chris didn't want kids, and that scared me. Obviously, you hear rumors about that type of thing, when you follow a band so diligently, but you leave it at that; rumors that's all they were.

But, with our one year anniversary coming up, the day after his birthday, I was beginning to worry about where we both stood on the subject, with what happened between us.

Regret made my heart ache, thinking of the sheer amount of unprotected sex we have, that maybe without thinking about it, we thought there wasn't a chance of it happening. I knew I already had my doubts about it for the years before with my ex and nothing became of it.

My phone rang once, bringing me out of my deep revier. It was Kuza. I glanced at him in the rearview mirror.

K; are you okay? You honestly look like you're about to cry…

My hand shot up too my face, feeling the tiny wetness of tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. I quickly wiped them away and my grandfather suddenly stopped, and announced. “Here we are kiddos. Jenny, that car I was telling you about at the airport? It's in the garage if you still want to look at it. Only offering cause I know you and your mother still aren't on talking terms.” I looked at my grandfather and smiled, nodding.

“Yeah, sure thing. We’ll come out when more of the fam shows up.” He nodded and got out of the truck. Leaving me with Kuza for a moment. I shoved my phone in my pocket.

“I’m alright Kuza.” Turning my whole body around too look at him. “Just feels like I haven't actually got time to process everything.”

“Well, i’m always here if you need to talk. I mean, I can't go anywhere for the moment anyway.” He laughed.

“I really appreciate it, even though I told Chris it was fine.”

He narrowed his eyes, and I knew I probably didn't word that the way I wanted too.

“Jen, you’re my friend now to and I don’t mind being here too watch out for you. I’m not exactly a trained bodyguard or anything, but I am a good friend.”

I grinned. “Yeah, I can tell.” feeling less bad about him being here with me.

“Alrighty then, let's go look at that car then.” I could tell he had no idea what he was getting himself into when he agreed to accompany me to work on a car, and I smiled at the prospect.





~


“Okay then,” I rubbed my hands on my overalls that I had put on two hours ago. Greasy black marks covered my hips as I moved too clap my hands together. “Give the brakes a pump, and we’ll see where we’re at.”

I looked at Kuza in the driver's seat of an old black Subaru Impreza. It was a ‘95, it was in decent shape from what I discovered looking it over. Although the main problems I found that I assume my grandfather did not get too check over when he bought it was that it needed two knew brake lines. I was in amazement that he was able to get it too the garage without getting into an accident, considering the handbrake wasn’t adjusted properly either. And on top of that, there was a light knocking in the front when I slowly drove the car out and drove it around the block, being very careful since I found out right away that what brakes were left, weren't going to stop me if I decided too speed. Ball joint I was guessing, which could lead to a dangerous accident if left unchecked, and a broken tire rod, leaving the car too tople onto the broken corner of the car.

I was able to adjust the parking brake, and somehow miraculously fix one of the brake lines, which given the timeframe, I thought would take longer, but having done it before, it was like riding a bike, a very annoying, thin bike.

I watched the inner workings of the car as Kuza pumped the brakes, pumping brake fluid into the new line, and a small leak coming from the one broken one that I attempted to patch until I went and got a new one.

“How’s it feel?” I asked him. He actually picked up the simple task of when I asked him too put his foot on the brake when I needed to tighten it and align it.

“It feels like it's getting tougher to put my foot down.”

“That's good, we want that.”

“You’re the boss.” I laughed, because everytime I started going on and on about the mechanics of the car, he laughed, and started calling me the ‘Boss’.

“Although, it's getting tighter, I assume it won't be completely like that until you fix the other one to right?”

I looked at him and nodded. “Yeah, but we lucked out really, with the other guy who owned the car leaving that brakeline in the trunk. He probably wanted to fix it himself, but didn't have the time.”

“Yeah, okay. Its stopped, that's as far as it will go.”

“Alright. Now I need to take the fluid out of that one brake and take it off. Honestly, I was mildly curious too how bad the leak was. Not like it was salvageable either way but.” I shrugged. “Curiosity satisfied.” I sighed heartily.

“I never figured you to be mechanically inclined.” He admitted, getting out of the car and sitting on the old tire he dubbed his chair while he was watching me until I asked for his help.

“It’s a hobby of mine, I got certified a couple years ago, but didn't do anything with it really. I decided to travel.” I shrugged.

Without even looking at him, I could tell he was pondering what I said. I did tell him that night on my birthday, last week.

“So, in terms then.” He paused for effect. “If you didn't decide to travel, and decided to pursue a career in auto mechanics, then if you think about it, you might have never met me. Or Chris for that matter. Or Josh. Devin, Ryan, Ricky or Kylie.” I stopped what I was doing. It froze me.

I had never once thought of it that way, I never needed too. Cause I thought i was so lucky to have met them in the random circumstances I met them in, in the first place.

“I take it by your silence, that you never thought of that before.” He didn’t sound accusatory, or rude. He was just stating fact.

“No..” I trailed off, almost losing my voice. “No, I didn't think of it that way.” I turned too look at him, my eyes probably betraying the shock that hit me. I grinned then, when he looked like he might apologize. “I always thought that I was lucky that I got to meet you all in the first place. We don't exactly travel in similar circles.”

He frowned, thinking about my words. “That’s not how I meant-”

I cut him off. “I know what you meant. Just it was by complete chance that I met you all in the first place, in my mind, I thought I would maybe only ever see a concert or maybe get too say ‘hi’ in a meet and greet. Not become friends with you.”

“We’re only people, Jenny. Not some untouchable celebs.”

“I never mentioned that.” I said pointedly. “Just in my own world, good things like that happening in my life, which are few and far inbetween, doesn't happen all the time. So, I take it how it is.”

His shoulders slumped and he let out a sigh in annoyance I could guess. “Okay Okay.” he uttered in defeat.

I smirked. “Glad you can see things my way.” Turning my attention back to the brake line. It took maybe a half hour too bleed that one line and then I was finished. I slowly inched the car back down to the ground, and took the jack out from underneath the car and put it away. I went over the sink and pumped some Fast Orange onto my hands and scrubbed, getting the grease off and rinsing under warm water. As I towel dried my hands I motioned to Mike that he could wash his hands if he needed too, since I know he possible held some greasy equipment. He nodded and went about getting the little amount that was on his hands; off.

“I hope this isn't stepping over any boundaries or come out wrong, but I can see what Chris sees in you.” I narrowed my eyes at him, but then I saw the faintest tint of pink run across his cheeks.

“Oh?” I turned my head and went too grab the paper towel for him too dry his hands.

“Yeah, you’re full of surprises. I really wouldn't have expected you to be able to look at car and be able to fix it. And you play instruments, and in all honesty, you’re awesome too talk too to.”

I grinned, handing him the paper towel. “I write too.” A small blush rising too my cheeks as well.

“For some reason that doesn't surprise me.” he grinned at me.

“Yeah.” I laughed. “Not something I should brag about, I haven't published anything yet. I’ve been having some pretty severe writer's block.”

We walked out of the garage towards the house, where they were setting up the picnic tables, and setting out food. My sister had come in earlier and told us about the little family get together.

Once we got closer, I mentioned cheekily. “By the way, you’re blushing.” I laughed and ran the rest of the way into the house. I heard Kuza shout and yell, “Hey!” and run after me.





It was much later, that Kuza and I made it back too my sisters place. Kuza, was in the room across from mine, sound asleep I was hoping. It was 1PM, and I just couldn't get myself to fall asleep. I had talked too Chris briefly before I went to bed. He told me everyone was doing well, including himself. I guess by the sounds of what Devin texted me that it was still a little tense between the bad, after they found out what Ricky and Chris where keeping from them all those years ago. I guess I couldn't really blame them, but they were all long time friends, and I hoped that they would see that it was pointless of them too fight. I could tell it upset Chris, but too what extent, I couldn't tell over the phone.

Speaking of tense, it was actually a little tense between us to, and that's part of the reason I was awake right now, browsing through Youtube, trying to find some new music. So far it was going pretty well. I found a new band called Dope, which the only way I found them was because they had a song that had my name in it. I actually loved it, and someone called Voltaire. Which he had a variety of catchy songs. I was listening too one right now. It was called The Night.

“The day is the wife whom I elude, the one to whom I should be right, although forewarned by peers and kin. I always get into the night, Mother always warned me such; being a nocturnal soul. Besides just being simply strange, spawns from some illness of the mind.”

I hummed along to the tune, it being to catchy for its own good. I started grooving too it, as I downloaded a copy too my phone so I can listen to it again while I try to sleep. I shutdown my computer finally, not even going to attempt to look at my writing because it would only frustrate me more. I took my pants off so I was just in my underwear and a baggy shirt. Deciding it would probably be best if I wore something instead of my usual nothing.

Turns out it was a good idea since once I was under the covers, there was someone at my door knocking. “Hey, you still awake?” Kuza? I thought. “Yeah, come in.” I pulled myself back up and looked at the door. He came in, looking a little frazzled. “What’s wrong?” Was the first thing out of my mouth.

“Um, I'm not sure.” He muttered. I raised my eyebrow. “Can I chill in here for a few?”

“..why?” I answered slowly, and he looked really embarrassed.

“Because, I think your sister and your brother-in-law are going at it..” he trailed off, sounding flustered.

My eyes widened and I got up out of bed, and walked out the door a few steps and waited for a noise. Sure enough…

“Oh dear god, that woman is going to scar me for life…” I muttered. I noticed the noises were coming from under us, and if I walked a few more paces too Kuzas temporary room, they got increasingly louder. I slapped my face, dragging my hand down my face in defeat. I looked at Kuza, and I felt bad for him, he was trying so hard to look serious.

“I can’t really say I’m surprised, but come on in. You can chill with me until they stop. I hope.” I laughed awkwardly. You can’t really say much when it's your own family..

So I went over and sat on my bed, and Kuza flopped down at the end, making me bounce slightly.

“That is so awkward.” He murmured roughly , turning his head too me.

“I’d say you get used to it. But you really don't.” I put my hands up. “Just one of those things.”

“Where you just about to go to sleep?” He asked.

“I was going to attempt it, but I honestly don't think I would have been able to.” Turning towards him and laying on my stomach so we could talk face to face.

“Too much on your mind?” He questioned. I crossed my arms under me and lifted my upper body so I was more comfortable.

“Yeah, basically.”

“I understand that..”

I thought for a moment, as he did the same thing as I did, so we were laying on our stomach with our arms under us propping us up.

“Well, we got all night to talk, if you want to do that?” I asked.

“I got nothing else to do while you-know-what is going on downstairs.”

I laughed.






/

Four hours ago…

Chris’ POV


I sat on the tour bus alone. Where was everyone else? I had no idea, and at the moment I didn’t really care either. So far the start of this tour had been absolute shit. I thought that since we were all on the same page, we could for the most part, still get along, but everyone was still agitated. Not sure if it was at me or just annoyed in general. Either way, there has been some words between me and Ryan, and they all left about a half hour ago.

I thought talking too Jenny might help, but she wanted to talk about something I really wasn’t ready to talk about.

The cherry on top of this mess? I was suddenly jealous beyond reason after I got off the phone with her. Why? Because one of oldest friends was talking in the background and making her laugh. I silently cursed at myself, because I knew I was being ridiculous. I trusted both of them with my lives. It was irrational, was what it was.

I looked at my hand, the side of it turning into a deep black as I had hit my fist off the wall earlier a couple hundred times out of anger at everything. It wasn't broken, but it throbbed painfully.

I turned too my side and closed my eyes, hoping maybe I could fall asleep since no one was here. But instead, it was like breaking a wall, and I felt tears start streaming down my face. I didn’t sob, but the inside of my throat burned as if I was. I closed my eyes, feeling them wet my entire face. I was shaking, trying to push down the hurt and the regret, but it wouldn’t let me until I knew I had no tears left to fall.

I know I shouldn’t feel regret for falling in love with her, but I did and it hurt so badly that I know it was my fault that she’s in danger now, and I can’t think of anything to do to stop it.

All I wanted right now, was too see her again, and hold her and just have her next to me.

I had too keep pushing myself too think that it will all pass...

Notes

I don't know how it happened. But I spent five hours just writing this chapter out, and I'm honestly I'm surprised and happy with myself, because I have been having the worst writers block.

But hopefully things can continue on more smoothly.

Enjoy!
-TheGinchu :3