Darling, you'll be okay

The week went by in a haze. I couldn't think of anything but Tristan. I wondered if he would be in any of my classes. I would know, had he not gotten himself ISS on the first day.

I doodled hearts on my papers. What the fuck is wrong with me? Get yourself together, Lena.

I found myself singing in the shower, waking up happy, humming around the house as I did my chores. I've never felt like this before. All because my mind dwelled on one thing: he stood up for me. No one had ever stood up for me. Usually others joined in to laugh at me.

My mom knocked on my door, entering without waiting for a reply. "Lena, your teacher called. Your grades are slipping." She gave me a very annoyed look.

"I'm doing my best," I attempted to justify myself.

"Until you can be responsible for your grades, there will be no computer time, TV, or phone privileges. I am doing this for your own good. When I was your age, school was easy. I don't understand why you don't have straight A's."

She didn't understand. She never would. In her eyes, I was not good enough, not adequate enough. Not smart enough. She closed the door, and as I heard it click, I put my face in my hands. I stared blankly at the wall, trying to justify to myself that I wasn't a complete failure.

About an hour later, my step father entered. "I hear your grades are slipping. What the fuck is wrong with you?" He was red-faced and angry. The asshole. He lifted his hand as though he were going to hit me, but stopped just before hitting my face. I flinched.

"I'm doing the best I can," I whispered. It was mostly true. Sure, I daydreamed a lot, but I did try.

"Bullshit. If you were doing your best, you'd be an A student." Maybe he was right. Maybe I am a failure.

Not good enough, not adequate enough, not smart enough.

I sulked in my room for hours. Tears brimmed my eyes, but I gulped and held back. I could never be what everyone expected me to be. I could never be perfect.

That night, the blood flowed.

The razor kissed my skin. Soft and sweet.

Notes