Wounds of Regret

Those three days seemed to have flown by, as I was now standing in my own apartment ready to do the one thing I should have done years ago. I had everything I needed, all that was left was to write my letter and decide how I wanted to do it. How I wanted to die once and for all.

One would think it would be a simple decision, but I couldn't seem to make up my mind. Did I want it to be quick or slow? Did I want it to hurt or be painless? Did I want to leave a bloody mess to be remembered by, or did I want to be taken out in a body bag with no trace left behind?

I knew what I deserved but shouldn't I at least be able to choose an honorable death? I'd been sitting here all morning pondering the idea, and not a single coherent thought seemed to come to my mind. I figured I should just do it and see where it goes. The end would have the same outcome no matter what I did, so it didn't seem to matter, really.

Just as I'd finally managed to make up my mind and lift myself off the couch, I heard a loud knock on the door. Fuck.

I weaved my way through the apartment that would soon no longer be mine. I tried to ignore the knocks at the door, but they seemed to be getting increasingly louder.

I knew whoever was at the door wouldn't leave until I opened it. I sighed at my misfortune and made my way to open the door.

"All right, all right!" I yelled, flinging the door open. What I saw made my heart drop.

He couldn't be here. Not today. I won't be able to bare to look at him. I felt tears about to form in my eyes and I quickly blinked them away.

Leaning against the edge of the door frame and smiling like an idiot was none other than Austin.
The only reason I've honestly held on this long. The only person who had a fraction of a chance at stopping me. I couldn't do this. I couldn't be around him. He was a reminder of how happy I could be, if only things had turned out differently. I loved him so much, but he would never be able to return to favor. It physically hurt to be around him.

"What are you doing here?" I asked in a tight voice.

"What does it look like? I came to hang out with my best friend!" Austin beamed, letting himself inside. My heart was being ripped to shreds.

I faked the best smile I could manage as he made himself at home and eventually put in a movie. I reminded myself that I was doing this for him. I wouldn't have to bring him down any longer. He could finally live the life he deserved, one without me there to hold him back.

Hours passed by and the more Austin talked, the closer I was to tears. Why couldn't he just leave me alone to die?

Finally, when Austin announced he was leaving, I breathed a sigh of relief. I felt an acute pain in my heart, realizing this would be my last time seeing the man I loved. I almost didn't want him to go. I have to keep reminding myself I'm doing this for him.

When Austin was finally gone, I started to write my note. This was the one thing I dreaded doing. I considered not leaving one, but I knew it wasn't fair to everyone. They deserve to know why I'm gone.

When I'd finally finished, tears were running down my face. I made no move to wipe them away. Gently setting my note on the counter, I made my way into the bathroom.

I took out a blade from under the sink and began to make thick lines across my wrists. I kept trying but I couldn't seem to hit the vein. I cried out in frustration, I need to die. Now.

I knew what I needed to do. I felt a bit light headed as I exited the bathroom and grabbed a dusty bag out of the closet. I pulled a long piece of rope from the bag. I remembered when me and Austin bought it for Halloween last year, but we ended up leaving it unused. I almost laughed at the irony.

I dragged a chair from my kitchen into the middle of the living room, and threw the rope around the top of a conveniently placed ceiling fan. It was placed in perfect sight of the front door, I felt bad for whoever had to find me. I guessed it would be my landlord, wondering why I haven't paid rent. I just hoped it wasn't one of the guys.

Once I had the rope properly secured, I stood in the middle of my apartment, taking it in for the last time. I tried not to think about Austin and failed. I was going to miss him so much.

I was ready to get up on the chair, but I had a gnawing feeling that this wasn't enough. I scanned my eyes across the room, spotting an unused bottle of pain medication. Perfect.

I downed a handful of the pills and lifted myself up onto the chair. With shaky hands, I grabbed both sides of the rope with my hands, forcing my head through the rope, ready to let go.

"Hey man, sorry I realized I left my phone here so I decided just to come get it I hope you don't mi-" The door opened to reveal none other than Austin. He looked up to me as his face went pale. He seemed frozen in place.

"A-Alan?"

Fuck.

Notes