A Fool's Revenge.

I tossed the note somewhere and just lost it. I felt like I was back in high school again. All the shit I thought I had left behind was now being brought back. I stumbled down my stairs in into my kitchen to grab a bottle of something alcoholic; at this point I didn’t care as long as I could forget all of this bullshit.

I scurried back up my stairs with a bottle of Jack in one hand and a bottle of Coke in the other. I wasn’t about to do straight Jack, not this time. I fell back on my bed but propped myself up so I was leaning against the headboard.

I didn’t want to feel anymore. A week and a half of mixed emotions then Vic telling me about Mike and now the note, I needed to feel numb. There was no if and’s or but’s about it. I shouldn’t have tried to get revenge because it’s just turned around and bit me in the ass.

I sniffled and poured my drink into a cup. I quickly chugged it down and immediately felt the effects. The terrible thoughts swirled around in my head.

Do it. Grab the blade. One cut won’t hurt, it’ll help.

The voice in my head coaxed. I wanted to resist but the alcohol that flowed in my veins made it so much easier to give in. I wobbled over to my bathroom and frantically searched for the pack of razors I had. I plucked one out of the package and just stared at the new shiny piece of metal.

I undid my pants and ran my fingers over the silvery white lines I had from so long ago. I pressed the cold metal to my skin, gently at first, and slowly ran it across. I cringed slightly at the refreshing pain but as I made another cut, the pain turned into numbness. I finally couldn’t feel anything, just like I had planned.

This is really what I have become; A self destructive piece of crap. I was honestly no better than Mike. I was just like him, screwing around with someone’s head. I was screwing with my own head though. I wasn’t even sure why I still wanted to get back at him. You would think after four years I would have gotten over everything that happened in high school but it was never that easy. I had changed myself because of every word I had ever been called.

Fat? I started working out and starving myself. Whore? Never went out. Bitch? I was too nice to people and that got me nowhere. Cunt? Well that one just lead to me hurting myself. It’s like they trigged my self-destruct button. It’s true when they say words stick with you no matter what because I am living proof. I tried so hard to be better and prove everyone wrong but it’s so hard to do that when all those words swish around in the back of your mind, taunting you every day, making themselves present every chance they could.

I drew a few more jagged lines before tossing the razor away from me so I couldn’t do more damage. I found myself mesmerized by the crimson that now painted my upper thigh and tile floors of my bathroom. It reminded me of a fire; you know it’s dangerous but it’s such a beautiful thing to watch.

I attempted to lift myself up so I could put some kind of bandage on my leg to stop the bleeding but my legs started to buckle just as I grasped the edge of the sink. I held myself up with one hand and reached for the first aid kit with the other. I slowly inched to the toilet and pulled out the gauze. I tightly wrapped the white mesh around my leg and intently watched as the blood absorbed into the material.

I hated that I had resorted to this but like I said, that little piece of metal could give me all the comfort in the world when I needed it most and that’s what it was doing now. It made me feel so much better but so much worse.

Once cleaned up, I stumbled and wobbled my way to my bed; I took a few more chugs from my whiskey and felt myself slip in and out of consciousness. I wasn’t sure if it was from blood loss or just the alcohol. I didn’t really care either. I let myself drift off into peacefulness, god knows I need it.

Notes

I'm sorry if this triggered anything for anyone! I will always be here if any of you need someone to talk or vent to. I will always listen.

I'll try to get another chapter in tonight but i'm not making any promises..

P.s Thank you so much for reading/subscribing/commenting/voting, I seriously love and appreciate it sososo much! <3