My head was spinning. It was wrong—all wrong. They weren’t wrong. They were perfect. So fucking perfect. Perfect for each other. They weren't perfect human beings, and sure they fought sometimes, but they were so in love. So in love that it hurt. I could see it in the way Vic had her arms around her tiny frame almost desperately, the way her arms were linked around his neck and she was murmuring how much she loved him into his hair. Their love was perfect. They weren’t wrong; I was wrong. They were moving forward with their lives, they were building their life together, while I was floating in purgatory, destroying myself for nothing.

I clenched my eyes shut and turned away. While they were holding each other, I excused myself, sneaking out of their apartment. I couldn’t be in there; it wasn't right for me to be there.

My head was spinning, I felt like I was suffocating, my heart was beating fast. I needed a fix, needed it, like it was the air that I breathed. If I couldn’t breathe in Drella I needed it. I made my way towards my own place—it wasn't far from theirs—to get what I needed.

I wobbled down the sidewalk, I felt weak and sick, I haven’t had a fix in twenty four hours and I was really feeling it now. But at least that was all I was feeling—not heartbreak. My mind was either dominated by Drella or cocaine, right now it was the latter. I was thankful for that.

I didn’t want to give in but I didn’t really have a choice. I was already at the footsteps of the entrance of my apartment complex.

As I went to let myself in, though, I bit my lip. Something was keeping me back. It was as if I physically couldn't get through the door, like there was an invisible wall, blocking me, or some sort of force pulling me away. Then I realized that I didn’t want the drugs—I needed them, but those two things—need and want—were very different. And I wanted Drella so bad—but did I need her?

I shook my head and stumbled a few steps back, forcing myself to not go up to my apartment and lose myself into another oblivion. I took a breath and walked around the building, to the park that neighbored the complex as a sort of aesthetic appeal even though the grass was dead and the playground was rusty.

I took another breath, it was even more shaky than the last, and squatted down, holding my throbbing head in my hands.

“Mike?” my head shot up when I heard her voice—was I just hearing it, or was she really here? If she was really here, why? “Mike, oh my god, are you okay?” Her voice was panicked.

Suddenly, I felt someone hold their hands on either side of my head, lifting it up. She was there—Drella was there. “Drella,” I mumbled.

“Mike, what’s wrong with you? Why are you so pale?” she asked. I took a breath and shook my head. Slowly I rose, she stood up with me. Her hands were still on both sides of my head. “What happened, Mike? Why’d you leave like that?” she asked, tilting her head to the side.

And, suddenly, my other drug—Drella—was what ruled my mind. It was all her. Her lips, her eyes, her smile, her soft hair. All for her; Vic wasn’t here, he didn’t exist. My own brother was gone in my head, it was all Drella. I was disillusioned but it was the best feeling in the world and I needed more.

So I leaned forward, quickly connecting my mouth with Drella’s. I could feel that she was surprised—that was all I felt, she was too surprised for me to feel anything else in the kiss before she pulled away. Her eyes were wide and she pushed on my shoulders.

“What the fuck!” Drella spat; I flinched. She jumped away from me and her face twisted.

“Sorry,” I murmured. But was I? I already felt better from my drug withdrawls.

“Mike,” Drella sighed, exasperated. “Jesus Christ, Mike,” she ran her fingers through the top of her hair in stress.

“Drella, I love you so much,” I muttered.

“Mike,” she cried a little. “I love you too, but not like that…” she shook her head. I expected her to say that but why did it hurt so much? “…not like that…”

“I’m sorry,” I said. I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. I took a small step towards Drella again. She was like the sun, we all revolved around her. I reached out and ran my fingers through her hair. She turned her head, so her hair slipped through the cracks of my fingers like grains of sand.

“Mike. I’m with Vic. Why are you doing this?” she asked softly.

“I don’t know,” I admitted, looking down. I honestly didn’t know. I didn’t know where these feelings came from, why I didn’t recognize them before. I guess I was so focused on making sure she was okay, on being a good friend for her when she was going through a hard time with her mother and her drama that I never even considered it. But then as soon as things calmed down, when life got kind of normal, I realized I was in love with her.

“Mike,” she gasped. I closed my mouth, realizing that I had spoken out loud. “Mike, please,” she put her hand to her head and closed her eyes. “I’m pregnant with Vic’s child… I don’t need you complicating my feelings,” she said quietly.

“Feelings?” I raised my eyebrow. I knew I was being a dick, but I couldn’t stop myself. It wasn’t fair to her but it wasn’t exactly fair for me, either.

“Mike,” she cried, covering her face with her hands. “I feel like a horrible person,” she mumbled.

“You? Horrible? Never, Drella,” I said. I stepped closer to her and took her hands off of her face, holding them gently in mine. I couldn’t breathe but I didn’t mind the sensation. She didn’t pull her hands away.

“You’re hurting, Mikey. You’re hurting because of me,” she whimpered.

“It’s not because of you. It’s all on me,” I promised.

“But, Mike,” she said. “There’s nothing I can do!” she said. “I’m in love with Vic, I always have been. But I love you too Mike. Please,” she cried. I was confusing her, I felt bad for making her fret like this. I knew that she was in love with Vic, I knew she loved me, too. My head hurt. Her head probably hurt too.

Drella started to breathe heavily, overwhelmed. “I know, Drella,” I said. “I know you can’t do anything about it…” I bit my lip and leaned closer to her. I was being horrible, going against my brother, my own family. But my heart and brain were battling and I had no idea who was winning. I just had to feel something—I had to feel her lips again, for real this time, to test it, to see if it feels right even though it’s wrong. I needed to know what kind of love I felt for Drella. I leaned in closer to her and her breathing hitched “But… maybe there’s something I can do.”

Notes

I had this all written up already and forgot to post it! Sorry it's short, but it's kinda eventful.. hehe..

Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading!!

xoxo