Memorial

December 25th 2013.

2 years have passed since Casey died. You'd think it would get easier for me but in all honesty, it hasn't. My heart aches for her every second of the day. My head is telling me that she's in a much better place but my heart is yerning to hold her and have her say she loves me but I know that can never happen...

I'm celebrating Christmas alone this year, we just finished a UK/Europe tour with Pierce the Veil and Sights & Sounds. It was one of the best tours of my life, for one specific reasons; we played Deathbeds.

When we went into the studio to record our album Sempiternal, I told everyone about how Casey helped me find the right words for that song. It was like my homage to her, to celebrate her life and show my love for her. The saddest part is, I wish she could be here to see how big we're getting.

The album has done so well, we have gotten such great reviews and if I'm honest I wish I could just hear her opinion. I know she would have loved it.

After her death I slipped back into bad habits until Lee and Matt made me go to therapy. My therapist was really helpful until she highly recommended that I went to a 12 step programme. I was reluctant but agreed. Biggest load of bullshit I've ever see in my entire life. They tried to force feed me religious beliefs in order to get "better". I just couldn't help but laugh at them, and that's when I got the idea for Crooked Young.

I'm all better now, happy and healthy. As much as I can be without the love of my life. Maybe somehow she is with me?

Since it's Christmas I decided to be a little nostalgic, maybe make me feel a bit better. I began looking through boxes in my wardrobe, things that were packed away years ago it seems. Many boxes of trinkets and small treasures. There was a box marked 'Casey's prints'. I kept all of her photo prints, as a memory of what she was once so great at. We set up a charity for illnesses similar to hers, selling her prints. We raised £20.000 this year alone which is a huge deal. Hopefully it can help save someone elses life.

My hand grased over a long thin box that had a tag on it. I picked it up and read the tag. 'If you have the balls to stay, give to Oli on Christmas Casey'. I frowned at it. Why was it in the back of my cupboard. I was going to Caseys' grave today to pay my respects to my wife so I'll take it with me.

I finished looking through the stuff and put it back. Curiosity was getting the better of me so I decided to go to her grave now. I grabbed the flowers, box and left my flat, getting in my car and driving to the cemetery.

There was snow all over the ground when I got out of my car, it was nice but not the kinda Christmas I should be having. Instead of going to her grave I should be in our flat, cuddling up and watching TV.

I trudged over to her grave and I could feel the feeling of sickness grow in my stomach. No matter how many times I had to do this I couldn't stop feeling like it was so wrong.

'Here lies Casey Kean Sykes. 1985 - 2011'

The words still sting my eyes to look at, the thought made me sick. She's gone.

I put the flowers down on her grave. "Hey Casey. Merry Christmas babe" I mumbled. I took a deep breath to stop myself from stuttering. "I miss you so much, like every day I just wish you were still here with me. I'd do anything to hear your goofy laugh again" I sighed. The silence was deafening. "The other day Matt fell down the stairs in your mum and dads, it was hilarious. One of those Matt moments where you wouldn't stop laughing until you snorted really badly" I laughed thinking about it.

"Y'see the thing is, you're the best thing that ever happend to me and now you're gone. It like my hearts been ripped out of my chest but somehow I'm still alive and breathing. I shouldn't be but I am and it terrifies me Case" I sighed, kicking some snow. I remembered the box and pulled it out. "I don't know how but this was in the back of my cupboard. It makes me wonder how I have gone 2 years without finding it" I pulled the ribbon off and sighed. "Here goes" I lifted the lid off and stared down into the small box.

Instead was a pregnancy test... that was positive. Casey was pregnant when she died? Why didn't the doctors tell us when they done the post mortem? My heart began to break even more. She was trying to give me the gift of a baby but it was ripped away from us both.

I put the lid back on and stuffed it in my pocket. "I'm so sorry Casey" I said, my voice breaking as a sob escaped my lips. "It's funny, 5 years ago you asked me where I thought I'd be in 5 years time. I honestly didn't think I'd be here... at your grave" I sobbed. "I wish I wasn't. I love you so much" I cried. I leaned down and kissed her headstone. "I love you" I mumbled.

I got up and walked away, across the yard and to the car park. I took one look back and sighed. "I really love you".

...

"Casey? Hello? Earth to Casey?" Oli's voice pulled me out of my daydream. I looked up at him from my seat on the swing.

"Sorry" I mumbled, scrunching my nose up thinking about what had just happened.

"Where did you go? You sorta drifted off into your own world for like... 5 minutes. I was talking away to myself like a right twat" He laughed. I nodded and laughed too.

"Y'know I was just asking about where you think you'd be in 5 years time?" I asked. He nodded with a raised eyebrow. "You'll never believe the scenario that just crossed my mind..." I smirked up and him and then proceeded to tell him everything that just happened in my head.

THE END.

Notes

AYYY guys, you probably all hate me now but yolo