Memorial

I stared into the glass infront of me, filled with a colourful liquid. It was definitely alcoholic, there's no way I could get through today without it. When did it get this bad? Infact why did it get this bad? It should've never happened. She was too young. "You look a little too dressed up to be in a place like this" I heard a female voice from beside me, speak up.

I looked to my left and seen a young girl, dressed in jeans and a Bring Me the Horizon shirt. Figures, a fan would notice me today. I smiled softly at her. "Tough day ahead" I mumbled turning my head back towards my drink.

"Would you like some cheering up?" She stood up, and whispered in my ear. She is so barking up the wrong tree today.

I looked at her and furrowed my eyebrows. "You're obviously a fan, so I'm guessing you know my wife died 5 days ago. No I don't want some cheering up, have some fucking respect for yourself instead of trying to fuck guys in bands" I looked away, downed my drink and walked off.

This bar was a mistake. It was all a fucking mistake. I should be at home right now, getting ready to celebrate the New Year with my wife but instead I'm burying her in the ground. Saying goodbye forever, never getting to see her again. I can't do this. I can't do this. I just can't. "Oli, where have you been?" I watched as Lee approached me, he was dressed in black. Like we all were on this horrible, morbid day.

"I was just getting a drink" I mumbled, looking down at my shoes.

"Well come on, we have to do what's right by Casey today" Lee turned and walked away. I followed him towards the church. I cringed looking at it. I've always been a non-believer, I sorta believe there's more to life than this but it's not God. I definitely don't believe it now. If he is so fucking mighty and doer of good then why did he take her away from me? Am I that bad? Did I really fuck up that much?

The room was filled with people who knew Casey. As nice as it is, none of them really knew her. They just liked to pretend they care to get sympathy for "losing a friend" but in reality they couldn't give a fucking shit about her. None of them loved her like I did. I scanned the church to see if there were any faces I recognised. One stuck out, Josh. He looked up and caught my gaze, his face formed into a sympathetic smile. The one that made my blood boil this past week. He stood up and walked over to me. "Hey man, how you doing?" He asked, hugging me tightly. I appreciate his gesture, I just feel too heartbroken to show any appreciation.

"I'm shit, I don't want to be here" I said flatly. He gave me a small smile.

"Just think about how proud Casey would be of you. She loved you and she died filled with love. Don't let the pain ruin your goodbye" He patted my arm and walked back over to his seat, with his girlfriend.

I guess in a way he was right. I can't miss my chance for closure. "Come on Oli, time to get this done" Tom pulled me over to our seats next to Matt and his parents. I haven't spoke to Matt since Christmas day. Things have been extremely stiff between us. I think he blames me for her death. I guess I don't exactly write myself off of that one. She was ill and I didn't even notice.

We didn't want to carry her casket into the church, I can barely even look at it right now, nevermind carrying in. So it was already at the alter of the church. I did however agree to carry it out into the plot where she was being buried. Knowing that she was going to be going into that ground forever made me sick. "Welcome all" The priest began. "Today we are here to celebrate the life of Casey Sykes. We will be having a few speakers to express their thoughts and condolences to the late Casey Sykes. Firstly we're going to hear from her brother Matthew Kean" He looked towards Matt who rose to his feet and walked over to the podium.

He fumbled with the paper in his hands, I could see the tears building in his eyes but he was strong. "Hi. This is probably the most I've ever spoke in my whole life but for Casey, I'd do anything" He looked up for a short second. "The earliest memory I have is our 5th birthday party. Casey fell off the bouncy castle and hurt her knee. As her big brother I took care of her, put the plaster on and everything. Everyone laughs when I say I'm her big brother though, she always protected me and made sure I was happy. We never fought much but on the small occasions we did, she'd make sure I'd be the one to initiate our fall in" He smiled slightly, clearly thinking of a certain time. "The day my band became big, she wasn't around. I just wanted to hug my little sister and see the proud look on her face, she was always so excited to hear our stories and hoped we would make it big time. I always loved to see her at shows, she would do these stupid little dances. The best time was when we were in Europe touring, she would mimick Oli's moves onstage but she tripped over a wire and fell onto the stage. Everyone laughed at her" There were a few laughs around the church. "The thing with Casey was that no matter how dull things seemed to get, she would always have a smile on her face, and I'm glad that my bestfriend Oli was a contributing factor into making her smile the brightest it could be" Matt finished and everyone clapped. He wasn't mad at me. He sat down next to me and I hugged him tightly, glad that I haven't lost my best friend aswell as my wife.

"Thanks" I whispered into his ear. He hugged me tighter and I could feel the tears on my shirt.

A few more people spoke about Casey. Her mum and dad, uncle and Stephanie. It was finally my turn to speak, and I felt my palms sweat up. I didn't need any speech or story to talk about. I knew exactly what I was going to say. I glided over to the stand and cleared my throat. "Hey, I'm Oliver" I said looking out into the crowd. I could tell from the looks on their faces, a lot of Casey's family didn't like me from the way I look. "I've known Casey since we were kids. I moved back to Sheffield from Australia and started a new school. I became friends with Matt, who introduced me to Case" I explained. "When you're 8 everyone thinks you aren't aware of what love is but I can honestly say from the first moment I seen her, I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I just didn't know it was going to be a short lived dream" I sighed. "We didn't start off on the best of terms, making us not have a great friendship until we actually got into high school. The friendship we had was typical, everyone knew we were meant to be together except from us. Well I knew, but look at me and look at her" I said pointing to the picture of her next to her coffin. "I knew I didn't stand a chance but somehow, through the madness she picked me. Now don't get me wrong, there were many obstacles in the way but the time we did spend together were the happiest times of my life. She made me complete and knowing she died, happy with me makes things a little easier" I could feel the tears beginning to build up. "I'll always have a special place in my heart for Casey, she was my first love and I'll never love like that again. She was the light of my life; I love you Case" I stepped back from the stand and walked back over to the pew where I was previously sat. I didn't give a fuck what they think now. I need out of here.

The service ended and it was time to carry the casket out into the garden where she was being buried. Me, Matt, Casey's dad, their uncle, Lee and Nicholls were carrying the coffin. As hard as it was, having them with me made it feel less... difficult. Once it was done, we placed her coffin on the lowering device. The priest said a few prayers and then she began to be lowered down. Everyone said their goodbyes but I stood there, staring at the ground. One by one everyone left until it was just me. "When you die the only kingdom you'll see, is two foot wide and six foot deep" I mumbled to myself and then walked away, tears spilling from my eyes. It's the start of the end.

Notes