***POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING***


I stared down at my hands folded in my lap, occasionally fiddling my fingers together. I frowned at the hospital bracelet on my wrist, at the needle in my vein, at the emptiness I felt. Did I really feel empty though? No, not really, I felt ashamed, beaten and broken, and most of all, I felt guilty. I couldn’t believe that I had done this, I couldn’t believe that I had let it go this far. I couldn’t believe the type of pain and heartbreak that I caused to the people I love. That I caused to him.

He was sitting beside me, having pulled the old creaky recliner that had been in the corner of the room to the edge of my bed. He didn’t say much, he barely even looked at me since he came in. He was doing exactly what I had been doing, staring down at my hands. I wanted to speak up, to say something, but the words were caught in my throat. What on earth could I possibly say at a moment like this? He let out a soft sigh and if I hadn’t been so tuned in on him, I probably would not have even heard it.

“Why did you do it?” he asked quietly, finally breaking the silence in the room, his soft voice sounding as if it could have shattered a window in comparison to the silence we had been in.

I thought about it for a moment, trying to collect my thoughts – or rather what was left of them – but just as I was about to open my mouth and speak, my words were once again lost in my throat, lost in my sorrow, in my guilt, in my pain. I swallowed loudly, trying to get rid of the poison taste that I had felt since I woke up here and just lifted my shoulders slightly, my measly attempt of a shrug that seemed like far too much work at that moment.

He let out another sigh, this one louder though. It wasn’t an angry sigh, or a frustrated sigh like it should have been. It was more like a defeated sigh. He seemed just as broken and vulnerable as I did right then and I couldn’t help it as the tears started to form in my eyes. It wasn’t until he asked his next question that I finally find the will to speak, being as his question was something I had thought a lot about in the past few days.

“Do you ever get these really bad nightmares where you don’t know where you are or what it is you’re doing and you just don’t know who you are anymore?” he asked.

“All the time,” I responded.

“And then, you try and wake up, you know you’re dreaming and you know that when you wake up things will be better but no matter how hard you try, you just can’t wake up? Do you ever feel like that?”

“All the time,” I repeated.

“So then, I was thinking, if you can’t wake up from the nightmare, maybe you’re not asleep.” He whispered. “Have you ever thought about that?”

“All the time.”

“Why did you do it Rori?” he asked quietly, the fact that I was finally talking to him not seeming to offer him any relief.

“I just wanted to wake up,” I finally sobbed, letting the tears fall that I had been desperately trying to hold back.

My body started to shake and he had his arms wrapped around me in an instant. It made me cry harder, the fact that I almost lost that, lost him, lost it all. I cried for all the regret I felt. I never meant for it to happen like this, I didn’t want to leave my life, or Tony, I just wanted to leave all the pain behind. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare that my life had seemingly become since I had gotten that phone call that shattered my world. I wasn’t even that close with my father but the thought that he was dead, that he would no longer be able to stumble in my room and give me a kiss on the forehead that was heavily scented with alcohol and smoke made my heart hurt, it made my body hurt, it made everything inside of me hurt.

“Listen to me Rori,” Tony said, pulling away from me and I saw his own face coated in tears. “You are not asleep, you are awake, you are alive, you are here, with me. Everything I just asked you, that was everything that went through my mind since the moment you hung up on me. I wanted desperately for that phone call to have been a dream, a horrible nightmare and I broke every fucking driving law known to man when I raced over to your house. When I saw you lying there on the floor, my God Rori, I fucking lost it. I thought I had lost you.” His voiced cracked with emotion and we both released a new set of tears.

“It’s not fucking fair,” I cried, shaking my head back and forth as I tried to catch my breath. “He was a fucking shitty Dad. He drank more than he hugged me and I don’t know why I feel like this. I don’t understand it Tony. But all I could think about was how I somehow imagined that he would change. That one day, maybe he would get his life together and he could finally be the father that I wanted him to be. That dream was shattered, broken, and I don’t know how to accept that. I’m sorry.”

“Rori, you can be angry, you can be upset, you can feel all those emotions but one thing you are not allowed to do is let those emotions get the best of you. When you feel like this, like that, I want you to talk to me, to scream at me, hell, I don’t even care if you throw me a couple punches. I can take that Rori but the one thing I cannot take, the one thing I will never be able to handle, is losing you. You are not allowed to leave me Aurora Rose Hayes. I love you too damn much, you’re my fucking world Rori. Please, don’t ever leave me.”

I don’t know how I even managed to speak in that moment, the tears and emotions were all screaming at me, but it was the good kind of scream. It reminded me that I was alive, that I was strong and that I would get through this. I had to get through this because there were too many people who needed me, and more importantly, there were too many people I needed. Deep down, I knew that was why I had called Tony that night, I didn’t want to die and I knew he would come for me, I knew he would save me, I knew that he would be there for me, that he always would. It was in that moment that I realized just how much I loved him, just how important he was to me and that was why I was able to speak, to offer him that one promise that I was going to hold to him for the rest of my life.

“I will never leave you, Tony.”

“Princess?”

Sam’s voice caused me to jump and I dropped the picture I had been holding, letting it flutter to the floor and as I blinked, it was then that I realized I was crying. I quickly wiped away the tears and sniffled against the flood of emotions that had just been thrown at me. I looked up to see her staring at me, her bright blue eyes clouded with worry.

“Are you okay?” she asked hesitantly, acting like I was a bomb that could explode any minute and I guess in a way, I was.

“I just don’t get it,” I said quietly.

“What?” she whispered, her tone matching my own as she scooted closer to me.

“How could I forget him? He was my everything, my, my Tony. Why did this happen and why is it so fucking hard to remember him? Why is that with these stupid flashbacks I feel this overwhelming amount of emotions for him yet when I come back I feel nothing?” I was crying again, letting the tears flow freely down my face.

“What did you remember?” Sam asked, placing her arm around me and hugging me to her side.

“We were in the hospital, it was right after my suicide attempt and he just, he said that I was his world, that he couldn’t lose me, that he loved me and in that moment, I felt it too, I felt all of that and yet, as I sit here, staring at the fucking god damn pictures of the two of us, I don’t remember that! I don’t remember a god damn thing about what we shared! And you know what else I don’t get? How I could have even tried to end my life. Even now, barely knowing who the hell I am, that thought has never once occurred to me, even with all the flashbacks and how dark and lost I felt in them, when I come back, it just fucking scares me. How could I do that? What is wrong with me?” I covered my face with my hands, letting the tears pool in my eyes as my body shook with my sobs.

“There is nothing wrong with you Rori. We all have our moments of weakness and as cliché as it sounds, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Rori, you of all people should know this. I mean hell, you’ve almost died twice and here you are, you are still here. You are still fighting and that says a lot Rori. You will remember Tony, you’ll remember all of it and when you do, you will be stronger and your love for him will be stronger and it will be fucking magical.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle against the tears as I sniffled and looked at my best friend.

“I kissed him last night,” I admitted, my voice still coated with tears.

“You what?” Sam yelled, grinning despite the fact that she too had tears streaming down her face.

I smiled. “When we went to bed, I snuggled up to him, you know, because you said do what feels right and that felt right and before we went to sleep, I don’t know, I just got this urge to kiss him because I somehow remembered that we kissed each other goodnight, every night that he was home and I don’t know. It was just going to be an innocent kiss, I could tell Tony was still hesitant but as he tried pulling away, something in me just clicked and I grabbed his face and just kissed him.”

Sam was still grinning. “So, you obviously felt something for him, I mean, you don’t just go kissing people you don’t have feelings for, right?”

“I don’t know,” I groaned. “I mean, yes I felt something for him then but it was different, it was like a new love, not the love I feel for him in the flashbacks.”

“So, you’re basically saying you’re starting to fall in love with your fiancé?” she elaborated, with a slight smirk on her lips.

I laughed and shook my head. “I guess, in a way I am, but I don’t know.” I looked down and held out my left hand, noticing the way my ring finger still felt empty, that much I could remember.

“He still has your ring you know,” Sam said and I looked back up at her to see her also looking down at my empty hand. “They had to take it off when they brought you in for surgery and he held onto in the whole time we waited there. He wanted you to be awake when he put it back on, so he waited but then, you didn’t remember him and he didn’t want to put it on you and make you feel overwhelmed or anything so he kept it. I know he has it somewhere at the house but I don’t know where.”

I sighed. “I want it, but at the same time I don’t. I know that it should be there, I can feel that void but I don’t just want to ask him for it and wear it and give him false hope. I want to wear it because I remember everything, I remember that we were together and that we’re supposed to be getting married.”

A puzzled look came across Sam’s face, as if she wasn’t sure if she wanted to speak her thoughts out loud but she finally took in a deep breath and looked at me.

“You know, Tony asked me something the other day, for my advice, and I still haven’t given him an answer and I think I should ask you.”

“What?” I asked hesitantly, biting my lip.

She sighed. “Well, you guys sent out the wedding invitations the morning of your accident. And well, Tony doesn’t know if he should call everyone and cancel, I mean, most people know what happened by now – other than the fans of course – but he doesn’t want you to feel pressured if you found out that technically, there will still be a wedding on August 3rd but at the same time, he feels like if he were to cancel it, well then, that’s basically admitting that you won’t ever remember him or want to marry him again and that’s the last thing he wants.”

“What’s todays date?” I asked, sitting up straighter.

“Uh, June 16th.” She replied, seeming confused by my question.

I took in a deep breath and decided something then and there. “Tell him not to cancel it.” I said, my voice not wavering in the slightest.

“Are you sure?” she asked, stressing each word and syllable.

“I’m positive. I will remember who Tony Perry is and I will marry him on August 3rd. I will.”

My voice rang strong with emotion, offering Sam the closure she needed but despite the front I had put up, despite the way my voice seemed to hold nothing but the truth, I still had to send a silent pray to any and all God’s to make sure that this was possible. I couldn’t remember him on sheer will but I was going to try my damn hardest because I could already tell, even with what little I knew of him, Tony Perry was not someone worth forgetting.

Notes

I am so so so so sorry for disappearing again guys! Ugh, I have just been really busy with work and then going to the gym and sometimes, I'm just tired man. So sorry, I am trying my hardest to write as much as I can on my days off but at the same time, I need inspiration and it has unfortunately been eluding me lately. *sigh*

Hopefully this chapter was okay, I'm not particularity fond of it but eh, it's alright I guess. Once again, I'm sorry and hopefully you guys are still liking this story, and your guys comments always make me smile so thank you :)


P.S. idk if you guys really pay attention to the chapter songs but if you do, this one doesn't really tie in with the chapter (I mean in a way, it does) but I had this song on repeat while writing this and it's a beautful song so there, it is now the chapter name haha