Private Eyes

He’d done the impossible. The unthinkable. The unimaginable. He’d fallen for his best friend.

His comrade.

His band member.

Oh this was bad; this was very, very bad. Think of how bad it could possibly be and then add another suitcase full of bad. How did this happen? When did it happen? Why did it happen? What would he think? What would the other guys think? Shit, what would Vic think? He might hate him, become a judgemental prick from out of nowhere and yell at him and kick him out of the band.

Wait. This was Vic. He would support him; after all, he was his brother right?

Right?

Mike groaned softly as he buried his head in his tattooed hands. This was complicated and confusing and scary but honestly? He didn’t mind. He knew the answers to at least three of the questions running rampant in his head and that was the main thing.

How did this happen? When did this happen? Why did it happen?

Mike swallowed as he ran his hands over his face a couple of times before just resting there, hands cradling his cheeks as he stared at the black television; mind completely focused on the realisation that had hit him head on at full speed in the dead of night.

Mike wasn’t stupid, he knew that love didn’t just come out of nowhere like “Hey, whuddup, you know that guy who likes turtles, Tony? Yeah? Well you’re now in love with him. Have fun with that.” It was a gradual thing that needs to be built up over time, months and months of being with one another. Which is, in a way, exactly what had happened; long exposure made him feel this way.

If there was anyone to blame in this it was Tony. Who did he think he was, walking around and acting all adorable? Mike wasn’t to blame, he was just an innocent fly caught in the spider’s web. A web spun out of adorableness and Star Wars and guitar licks. Mike picked up on it, on Tony’s personality like a fine tuned antenna, picked up on the waves that were unknowingly pouring out of the guy, picked up the waves and held them tightly to his chest and refused to let go.

It was the story of his life. He found someone, either a guy or a girl, and just held onto them without them knowing before he finally grew the balls to ask the person out. And that would be the ideal thing to do. If this were the ideal situation but it wasn’t. Tony was different, he wasn’t someone who could be played with and then be dropped like a toy a child had grown tired of.

This was a problem; a very real problem. With real people with very real feelings which could have very real, very bad consequences if it was handled incorrectly and he needed it to be fixed. Sometimes Mike wished that love didn’t exist because without it life would be so much easier, so much calmer, so much more boring. At the end of things, love was what pulled people through and right now, that’s what Mike was trying to focus on.

Well, he would be if he could get his mind past the idea of Tony liking him back. Why can’t love be easier to comprehend?

The sound of shuffling feet drew Mike from his whirling thoughts and confusing, rhetorical questions and back into the land of quiet buses and soft snores. Looking around confused at the noise, Mike spotted the object of his confused thoughts standing in front of the open fridge pulling out a water bottle.

Rubbing his face as a feeling of fatigue washed over him, flowing freely until it completely submerged the drummer. Shaking the intense desire to just push his circling thoughts aside and go back to his bunk and sleep, Mike looked up and focused on the quiet guitarist who seemed to have settled against the small counter, content to stare at him.

“What are you doing up, Tone?”

In the silence of the bus his whispered question seemed oppressively loud and he prayed that the guys hadn’t heard him. Tony shrugged loosely as he sipped from his water, the movement of his lips pulling away from the rim of the bottle and pressing together once more drawing Mike’s attention.

“I honestly have no idea. I had this intense feeling that I should get up and after ignoring it for about an hour I gave up and came out here.” Mike nodded slightly as he began drifting back into his mind.

Tony shifted slightly, the action pulling Mike’s attention back on him, watching as Tony’s eyes lowered to focus on the ground as he drifted off in thought.

There wasn’t any one thing that captured his attention, it was the man himself. Everything about Tony Perry drew him in, made Mike wish he could burrow his way into his heart and stay there, curled up and safe with the knowledge that he was loved in return.

Without even realising he’d done it, Mike lowered his head back into hands with a groan, drawing Tony’s attention. It decidedly odd watching the usually so confident man crumble under the pressure of his thoughts. Raising the water to his lips, Tony watched Mike as he sat unmoving and unresponsive.

What could possibly have him so agitated that he chose to sit in the dark? Frowning at the thoughts which blossomed in his mind, beating them away the same as he always did when thinking of the drummer, Tony pushed himself away from the counter and moved to sit beside his friend.

Lowering a hand onto Mike’s shoulders and sighing when he garnered no response, he whispered a “What’s wrong man?” and waited for a response which came in the form of a muffled groan.

“I fucked up,” Mike whimpered from between his hands. That was certainly not the response that Tony was expecting. At all. Pulling his hand off of Mike’s shoulder, Tony shifted so that he was sitting straight with his hands cradling his water bottle between his knees.

“How did you fuck up, Mike? You have done anything.”

“I did something I shouldn’t have?”

Tony turned to look at his friend who was clearly cut up over whatever he supposedly shouldn’t have done. He was quiet for a moment before shaking his head. “I need more information than that, Mike. It can’t be as bad as you’re making it out to be.”

Mike sighed tiredly and shifted slightly so he could look at Tony, left hand cradling his cheek while his right cupped his jaw. “You don’t know that.”

Tony nodded as he looked forward, quietly gathering his words before speaking. “You’re right, I don’t know that, but I know you. I know you wouldn’t do something completely terrible on purpose and I know that whatever it is you’ll get through it. I know because I’ll help you.”

Shit, Mike thought as he moved to look ahead of him. “I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as that this time, Tony. I really put my foot in it this time. Fuck, I ruined everything.”

“You don’t know that,” Tony whispered softly as he turned to look at him.

“Oh but I do. I went and did the most stupidest thing I could possibly go and do.”

Tony watched as Mike rubbed his hands over his face before turning to look at him, eyes shifting quickly as he looked at him, taking everything in. In Mike’s opinion, honest opinion, he was surprised that it hadn’t happened sooner. Tony was the type of person that instantly drew you in and when he felt himself being reeled in, he didn’t fight it and maybe that was why he was in the position he was in.

Damn animal magnetism. He didn’t even know it was possible for a turtle to have animal magnetism but he was caught in it and it was making him feel conflicted, making his mind war with his heart. He could love the man beside him but at what cost? There were so many possibilities which rested on the decision of sharing his heart.

Tony could reject him, call him a fag and on the next stop get off the bus and walk out of their lives forever. Bad scenario.

Tony could reject him, call him a fag and not talk to him at all causing tension throughout the band causing them to break up and never speak to each other. Another bad scenario.

Tony called reject him, tell him he didn’t feel that way because he was in a relationship with Vic and that it couldn’t work out. Unlikely, Vic was currently dating someone.

He could say he was dating Jaime. Still unlikely.

He could say yes, that he felt the same way and that he wanted to share his heart with him. That he wanted the drummer to burrow himself in his heart and stay there, curled up and safe. The longed for scenario.

Either way, the bad was currently out weighing the good. He couldn’t risk the band, couldn’t risk losing his best friend, couldn’t risk having his heart broken.

Yes you can. For Tony you can, he’s always been the exception.

The small voice sounded clearly through the chaos of Mike’s complicated and jumbled thoughts like a small spark of light in a dark and cluttered room. It was blinding how much that one thought rung true. It was terrifying to know how much that one thought rung true. Swallowing at the thought of Tony being the exception, Mike blinked as he slowly came out of his thoughts to see Tony still sitting beside him waiting for him explain why he was freaking out.

“I fell in love.”

The sentence was whispered quietly, barely breathed at all and if Tony hadn’t been listening for anything as he waited for Mike to speak, he would have missed it. And to be honest, he kind of wished he had missed it. He could have lived without the constricting feeling on his lungs as if someone was squeezing them; could have lived without the painful feeling spreading from his chest.

Swallowing shakily, Tony watched Mike’s expression. “You fell in love?” Mike didn’t say anything, just nodded. Struggling to stay in control, Tony turned away from him and focused on his hands, twisting the bottle in his hands. “With who?”

The sound of Mike swallowing reached his ears but he kept his eyes focused on the bottle. “That’s what’s eating me up inside. No matter how I shake it, there’s no chance for me. It’s a lost cause.”

“Why?”

The faint sound of mirthless chuckles brushed against his ears as he peeled the paper label away from the plastic; Mike moving to mirror him caught out of the corner of his eye. “He has no idea I even cared that way.”

The painful feeling that was spreading throughout his body grew more intense. He has no idea. He. Tony closed his eyes in defeat as he sighed. Of course it was guy, that’s why he was so torn up over it. Mike had dated guys before but he’d never felt this deeply about any one of them. And to think one in particular had managed to accomplish obtaining the unobtainable just crushed him.

“Told you I fucked up,” Mike whispered after five minutes of silence.

“Why don’t you tell him?”

Mike looked over at Tony sharply. He watched as Tony fiddled with the water bottle’s label while his eyes seemed miles away. He took in the slumped shoulders and defeated expression that painted Tony’s face. Surely not.

Tony couldn’t, no. He couldn’t feel the same could he? Mike swallowed thickly before steeling his nerves; it was time to grow a pair. He needed to be like the female angler fish. They had plenty of balls.

Clearing his throat slightly, Mike prayed to every being possible that he wasn’t wrong, that his mind wasn’t seeing what it wished to see. Softly, almost reverently, Mike spoke.

“I just did.”

He watched Tony, begging to see what his reaction would be. Tony’s shoulders tensed, his mind relaying what his ears had just heard. Eyes still cast downward he cleared his throat.

“What did you say?”

Mike watched Tony closely. “I said ‘I just did.’”

Slowly, so god damn slowly, Tony turned his head to Mike, eyes lifting up to watch Mike, to search his face for any sign of a lie, of any sign that what he’d heard wasn’t really what he’d heard. Please, God, don’t let this be a dream.

“You mean it?” Tony’s voice was barely a whisper, barely a breath, but Mike still caught it, still caught the hope that lay in the undercurrent of his voice and he knew, he knew, he was right. He’d made the right decision.

Mike looked over at his friend who was barely visible in the darkness of the bus, the slanted silver blue rays of the moon coming through the shades the only light but it was enough to see the mesmerising eyes that always held so much emotion; that always shielded his deep thoughts.

Slowly Mike nodded. “Yeah, I really do. I’ve never been more sure of something in my fucking life.”

It was faint and if he hadn’t honed in so closely to his entire being, Mike might’ve missed the slight shift in the turtle’s shoulders or the shallow exhale that escaped his parted lips. But the thing that had enraptured him; had drawn all his attention was his eyes. Tony’s eyes had shifted and lightened somehow as different emotions filtered through.

“Please tell me you feel the same, Tone. Just say something.”

Tony slowly nodded, his lips pulling back in a small smile as he watched Mike watch him.
“Yeah, Mike, I feel the same. Fucking hell do I feel the same.”

Mike felt the tension ease from his shoulders, felt the tight grip around his fast beating heart loosen until it was completely gone. Tony felt the same. He hadn’t called him a fag and left him. He hadn’t said he didn’t feel the same. Hadn’t said he was in love with someone else. He agreed. He loved him just the same.

Feeling a smile form, Mike couldn’t help but chuckle slightly causing Tony to look at him in confusion. “What’s so funny?”

“You had a feeling to come out here. So did I. Fuck man, if you hadn’t said anything to me, had just gotten your water and left, I don’t think I would’ve said anything.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been sitting on this, turning it over in mind thousands of times. Every time I thought of telling you I thought up some horrible scenario and pussied out. But you stayed and you sat here and I couldn’t, I couldn’t let the possibility of you feeling the same leave my mind one more time. I needed to know and if you hadn’t come out, I wouldn’t know. I’d probably still just play this horrible game with myself of ‘what horrible scenario can I think up today?’”

Tony smiled and leaned over to bump his shoulder against Mike’s. “Looks like I chose the right time to get some water then, huh?”

Mike smiled and bumped his shoulder back. “Yeah, yeah you picked the best moment to get water.”

Watching him, blue light painting his skin silver, Tony was grateful for the feeling to come out of his bunk when he did. Leaning in until their shoulders and arms were plastered together, Tony moved his head to whisper in Mike’s ear.

“I love you too.”

The feeling of soft lips brushing against his cheek was something that he’d longed for for far too long. Turning to look at Tony, he was met with soft lips brushing against his own in a slow, passionate rhythm. The feeling behind it spread warmth throughout his body before it settled in his heart.

Tony had settled there, curled up and safe and judging by the way Tony’s hand curled around his own and gently squeezed, Mike knew Tony felt him settle himself in his heart as well. They were exactly where they needed to be and nothing would change that, they would be just fine.

Notes

Woo! My first Perrentes one shot. I'm proud of it, I think it says all that needs to be said without being too long. I hope you guys like it and think it's good. This bitch actually took 2 hours of non-stop writing to get out. That's surprising because it feels like I just started writing it. Oh well, it's 2:30AM so I'm going to bed. Sub-title is from Jesus Of Suburbia by Green Day.

Have a great day/night guys.

Taylah.