You did this. It’s all your fault.

Why do you always screw up?

“No,” I whimpered, shaking my head back and forth. “No.”

I stood up from my spot on the floor, running my hands across my face, wiping away the tears that were still flowing. I sniffled and looked out the window. It had been at least a half hour since Tony left but he would be back. He had to come back. He promised me he wouldn’t leave me. Then again, promises don’t seem to mean much to me, as he pointed out earlier. I let out another sob as I made my way to the kitchen. I wiped at my eyes, trying to get the tears to stop.

Tony would come back. He just needed time to think. He would come back. I was panting, gasping against the sobs that were threatening to expose themselves once again. I glanced around me, trying to find anything to distract me from the aching I felt in my chest. From the thoughts that were screaming at me, reminding me that I once again, fucked everything up. I noticed the light blinking on the dishwasher and walked over, pulling it open.

We had hosted a small get together last night, all the guys and their girlfriends had come over and we played board games and ate a shit ton of food. I remember how loved I felt last night, how I would catch Tony staring at me every now and then, the smile never leaving his face. I remembered the way he would wrap his arms around me and pull me into his lap, calling me his good luck charm as he played cards against Mike and Jaime. For once, I felt like I belonged.

I pulled the wire shelf out, grabbing a now clean plate out of the dishwasher and setting it on the counter. One thing that came with eating a lot of food was a lot of dirty dishes. I continued pulling the dishes out, stacking them on the counter until the dishwasher was empty. I reached up and opened the cabinet and grabbed a plate to put it back in its place but of course, this was Tony’s house before I moved in and he was taller than I was. The shelf that the plates went on was a little out of my reach, which normally wasn’t a problem because Tony would usually come up behind me, taking the plate from my hand with a laugh and he would help me. Not tonight though. So instead, I continued to stretch my arm up, feeling the sobs returning as I tried placing the plate on the shelf.

I missed of course, causing the plate to come falling down and I narrowly missed being hit in the face before I ducked out of the way and the ceramic plate crashed to the floor, immediately breaking into a dozen pieces and scattering the floor at my feet. I let out another sob; I really couldn’t do anything right. I wiped my arm across my face before I grabbed another plate. I held it out in front of me, staring at it intently as I let the pearly white dish slip from my fingers. Just like the first plate, it crashed to the floor, immediately breaking into pieces and before I even realized what I was doing, I grabbed the whole stack of plates.

In a matter of minutes I was a panting, sobbing mess as I stared at the destruction in front of me. I didn’t just stop at the plates. I smashed the glass drinking cups, the porcelain bowl that had been home to the homemade salsa Tony had made. All those things were now scattered on the floor, just broken shattered remnants of what they used to be. They were all broken, just like me. I continued to sob as I turned away from my mess, not even bothering to try and clean it up.

I headed for the bathroom and stripped down, turning on the shower and stepping inside the warm stream of water that poured down on me. I wanted to wash away everything, everything that made me who I was. I wanted to wash away my past and all the stupid things I had done. Showers didn't work like that though and I soon found myself once again crying as I stepped out and headed for the bedroom. I dressed in an old t-shirt – Tony’s of course – and a pair of cotton shorts and I towel dried my hair before I threw the now damp cloth on the chair in the corner.

I climbed into bed, sitting right on the covers. I didn’t have any plans to go to bed; I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep anyway. I sat up against the headboard, pushing the pillows behind my back and sticking my legs out in front of me and I just sat there. I almost wished I didn’t have the day off today, at least if I had work today I could escape, escape from myself. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there on the bed, just staring at nothing, not moving, my mind racing. I had stopped crying but I still felt its affects. I felt numb, exhausted from the emotional turmoil I had put myself through.

My hair was now dried but I still had no idea what time it was, the small movement to turn and glance at the clock on the nightstand beside me was too much effort I wasn’t willing to put forth. The bedroom had been bright when I first came in, the daylight coming in from the window was the only form of light and even when it started to get darker I made no attempt to move.

I jumped suddenly and flinched away when I felt something on my leg. I looked up to see Tony sitting on the bed, looking worn out and tired but his eyebrows were furrowed in concern. I hadn’t even heard him come in and when he placed his hand on my leg again, I flinched again and then pulled my legs up to my chest, curling in on myself as he continued to stare at me.

“Effie,” he said softly, as if he were afraid that if he spoke any louder it would scare me. “Are you okay?”

I didn’t say anything; I just looked back down at the bed, and furrowed my own eyebrows. Was I okay? I didn’t even know anymore.

“What happened in the kitchen?” he asked then, realizing I wasn’t going to answer him.

I shrugged this time, thinking back to the dish massacre I had committed earlier. At the time, it helped clear my head. With each plate or glass smashed, my thoughts escaped me; the only sound in my head was the echoing of the fragile objects shattering against the tiled floor. I could imagine what Tony must have been thinking when he came in though and I suddenly felt remorseful, knowing that I probably scared him, especially when he came in and found me like this, basically unresponsive to his questions which I suddenly realized he was still asking me but I hadn’t heard a word he said.

I just glanced back up at him to see him still staring at me, his features still laced with concern and I just shrugged again, hoping that it would answer his question.

He sighed and leaned forward, running his hands over his face before he looked back at me, adjusting himself on the bed so that he was facing me, his legs folded in front of him.

“Why didn’t you just tell me about the texts Effie?” he asked, sounding defeated.

I took a deep breath in, preparing to speak and Tony remained silent, allowing me a chance to put together my scattered thoughts.

“You don’t understand,” I whispered, looking back down at the bed.

He sighed. “Effie, I’m trying but you never open up to me.”

I sniffled and I realized he was right. He still hardly knew anything about me. He didn’t know why I was so unwilling to let him in, to burden him with my problems because I never told him. He knew a few things but not the full story. Maybe it was time he did.

“You don’t get it Tony, I’ve been alone since I was thirteen,” I started but he quickly cut me off.

“I know that Eff,” he said, reaching his hand out to me but I pulled away from him again.

“No Tony, you don’t. You don’t understand, you don’t fucking get it. You don’t know anything.” I rushed out, I didn’t mean for my voice to sound so brash, so defensive, so harsh, but I couldn’t help it.

“When I woke up that morning, two weeks after Emily’s funeral and realized that my parents left me, I, I was devastated. They might not have been the best parents but they were all I knew. I spent almost that whole day curled up in a ball in the corner of the hallway, sobbing and screaming and crying. But the thing was, I wasn’t mad, I didn’t blame them. I knew I deserved it, I deserved the punishment of being alone.”

He went to interrupt me but I waved him off, giving him a pleading look.

“If you want to hear the whole story then you need to let me tell it,” I told him and he sighed and slumped his shoulders, unwillingly letting me continue.

“That night, once I finally stopped crying, I got up and headed for my room. I fit everything I could into my backpack and I had a couple hundred dollars saved up from past birthdays and holidays, some of it was Emily’s, and that was it. I left that house and I never looked back. That night I got a bus ticket to Georgia and I just left. I left it all behind, at least as best as I could. That’s when Effie Jane was first born. I had gone by so many names and had changed my looks so many different times that by the time I came here, I went back to my roots. I dyed my hair back to its natural color and I went back to using the last name Jane, I felt different here, I felt like things could change here.

“Before that though, I was a fucking mess. I spent the first few years sleeping on park benches and in dirty alleyways. I wore the same clothes for days and I would wear the same shoes until I walked holes into them and they would literally fall apart. There were some people who helped me along the way. They would offer me a couch and some clean clothes, a shower if I was really lucky. But I never stayed long because they would call the police and I would have to run away again, moving to another state or city and changing my name once again.

“I didn’t trust anyone, I couldn’t afford to. I accepted the fact that I would always be alone a long time ago. Things got a little better once I turned sixteen. I was able to buy a car, with some not so honest cash I had acquired, and I at least had a roof over my head. I was lucky in the fact that I looked older than I really was and I was able to get a job in no time. I would stay just long enough to resupply myself with new clothes and some food – although I was far too familiar with the feeling of going to bed hungry – and when things started to get too comfy, that was when I knew I had to leave.

“And then the cycle would start all over again. New name, new hair, new life story. It was constantly changing. Eventually I started to forget things, if only for a little while. Sometimes I would find myself actually believing my lies. It was nice, but like all things, it didn’t last long. The nightmares would return and the running would start again. I was always running. Years past and it was the same thing every year. I was used to it. I was alone, only trusting myself and that was exactly how I wanted it. People tried to get to know me, to open up, but I would push them away and I would be gone and they would forget.

“You want to know why I never celebrated my birthday? It was more than just because I had no one to celebrate with; it was because I hated the reminder. I hated knowing that I was a year older and nothing had changed. I was still running, still trying to escape from my past and it would be the same thing next year, well, if I even made it that far. I never saw a future for myself Tony. There was no white picket fence and a nine to five that I could complain about. I would never have that loving husband or screaming kids running around in the backyard. I wasn’t sure what I thought would happen, where I would end up, but I knew that that life, a normal life, was never in the cards for me.

“But then I came here, I met you, and everything changed. You made me start to question myself and it scared me. You scared me. I found myself getting comfortable around you and instead of immediately wanting to run like I usually did, I wanted to stick around, to know more, to see new things. I may have traveled a lot but I haven’t seen the world, if you know what I mean. That being said though, there is still so much that I’m not used to, even now. I’m not used to having someone beside me, someone who cares about me and who wants me around. My whole life has been spent running away from people, trying to forget everything, I mean hell, I didn’t even remember my real last name until Tonya mentioned it before. How fucked up is that?

“How fucked up am I? You really don’t know Tony. I am trying, I am trying so hard to change, to not look over my shoulder and question everything but it’s just in my nature, I’ve seared it into my brain. Combine that with the fact that I am so damn stubborn, that I am unwilling to ask for help because the only other times I have, they have all blown up in my face; it’s going to take time. But please, believe me when I say I am trying. I really, truly am. I told you before that you can’t fix me, I also said that I couldn’t fix myself either but I’m starting to realize that I can. I’m not sure how long it will take but I want to change, I want to change for you. I want to be that person that you think I am.

“I used to think that love, being in love with someone, was a weakness. It clouded your thoughts and made you do stupid things. I used to think that all love did was cause pain and hurt. But being here with you, I’m finally starting to see just how wrong I was. Being alone hurts, losing someone hurts, pushing someone away hurts but loving someone, well, that’s one of the only things that doesn’t hurt. Love has this way of overpowering everything else. It covers up the rejection and the loneliness and it just, it fucking makes you feel again. It reminds you that you’re not alone and that you will be okay.

“So I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I’m not a normal girl who wants normal things. I don’t want a knight in shining armor to come and save me when I can handle things on my own. I don’t know if I will ever be able to fully let you in, to get out of this routine of me being on my own, but I’m going to try. Because I love you Tony, I really do and I want a future with you. But, if, if you don’t want to stick around, if I’m too much for you, I get it, I mean, I understand.”

I lifted my shoulders in a shrug. My voice sounded small and frail, even to my ears and I didn’t know when but I had started crying again at some point. The tears were beading down my cheeks silently as I continued to stare at the bed, tracing the patterns in the comforter that I was sitting on. Tony was sitting about a foot away from me; I could see his legs crossed in front of me and his hands resting in his lap. He wasn’t saying anything and that scared me but I was more afraid of what I would find if I looked up at him.

I finally saw his hand move and this time I didn’t flinch away from him when he placed his fingers gently under my chin. He lifted my chin up, making me look at him and he brushed his thumb across my cheek, wiping away the tears that were still there. When my eyes met his I saw that he was crying as well and I closed my eyes, sniffling as I felt him shifting on the bed.

“Effie,” he said softly, placing his other hand on the side of my face so that he was now cradling my head. I opened my eyes to once again be lost in his big brown ones. “Effie, I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”

And with that he swooped his head down and placed his lips on mine, capturing me in a kiss that effectively sealed his promise.

Notes

well I cried while writing this, what the hell? seriously though, I really hope this turned out okay cause I swear this chapter gave me nightmares as I tried to find the right words and so yeah, I'm actually kind of happy with how it turned out....

So please, leave @Lost in Neverland and I some feedback because we love it, like seriously...haha <3


(Also, for those that are following my other stories, yes, I used this chapter song again because it is fucking amazing, I mean seriously, go listen to it if you haven't!!)