I was running around my tiny apartment, throwing things everywhere, tossing them into the already open boxes, some stuff falling in the box, others scattering to the ground right next to it, I didn’t care as long as it was close. I was thankful that half of my shit were still in the boxes; I wasn’t even here long enough to fully unpack. I was in the bathroom, scooping up all my toiletries out of the cabinet, cradling it in my arms as I hurried dropped them in the waiting box, when there were a pounding at my door. I cursed and paused.

“Effie!” I heard Tony’s voice call as he pounded again. “I know you’re in there; open up!” he continued to pound, calling my name.

More for the sake of my neighbors I quickly ran to the door, whisking it open, trying to keep my face emotionless as I looked at him. “You shouldn’t be here.” I muttered harshly, my words never speaking the truth so much than in that moment.

He shouldn’t be here, trying to talk to me. He shouldn’t be here, at my door. He shouldn’t be here, in my life. He shouldn’t be here, I shouldn’t have let him be here.

“Are you okay? What happened? What’s wrong?” he rushed, his voice and face showing nothing but concern.

“I’m fine; nothing happened; nothing’s wrong. Now please leave.” I said, my voice monotone.

I went to close the door on him but he reached out, slapping his palm against the wood, preventing me from closing it.

“Effie.” He said sternly.

I just ignored him, sighing loudly and then I walked away, not caring that he was going to come in. I continued to rush around my apartment, tossing things into boxes and then closing them up, using the tape I had on the kitchen table to seal them. It didn’t matter if I forgot anything; I had to sign a yearlong lease when I rented this place so I could always come back eventually, though I highly doubted I would, this wasn’t the first apartment I left behind and it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

“What’s going on?” Tony asked quietly, he had entered my apartment, closing the door behind him and was currently watching me board up my belongings. “Effie, talk to me!” he yelled, causing me to flinch.

“I’m leaving.” I muttered, not looking at him.

“What?” he asked, frustration in his voice. “You mean you’re running away again?” he shouted, anger in his voice.

“No, I mean I’m leaving!” I shouted back, my neighbor’s ears no longer a concern of mine.

“Where are you going to go Effie? Huh?” he questioned, stepping closer to me.

I dodged him, moving onto the next box. “I have unfinished business elsewhere. This isn’t the first time this has happened, you know.” I said, my voice cold and emotionless, I couldn’t show him how hard this was for me, I was doing this for him, he would thank me for it someday.

“So you’re just going to leave, just like that? What about Lucky?” he was angry but I could tell he was controlling it well.

“I already called him, told him I had business I needed to take care of, he gave me his blessings.” I stated, stacking one of the boxes on the other.

“Then what about me? Huh, Effie? What about me, if I wasn’t here right now would you have even told me? Effie!” he yelled and then gripped my arm, pulling me away from the box and turning me so that I could look at him.

I shrugged my arm out of his grasp, ignoring his question, giving him all the answers he needed.

“You should go,” I said, heading for the kitchen and beginning to throw some of the nonperishables I had into one of the duffle bags on the counter.

“Damn it Effie, stop it. Stop!” Tony shouted, following closely behind me. He gripped my arm again, turning me and then pushing me back, pinning me against the fridge. “Stop, just stop.” He whispered, his eyes boring into mine.

I was lost in his gaze for a moment, seeing the emotion in his eyes almost making me change my mind, this man truly did love me, I could see that, but that was exactly why I needed to leave.

“Please don’t do this Effie. Stop running, you don’t need to anymore. You have me now.” He said, his voice low and filled with emotion.

I shook my head. “That’s exactly why I need to leave Tony. I can’t do this.” my voice wavered.

“Why? Because I said I love you? Then fine, I take it back, I won’t pressure you into anything just Effie, please, don’t leave.” His eyes were pleading and I was practically panting, trying hard to control the tears that were fighting toward the surface.

“No Tony, you can’t just take that back, I can tell in your eyes that you don’t mean it anyway. But that’s exactly why I need to leave; I can’t let you love me Tony. You deserve so much better than me.”

“I don’t care! I want you!” he shouted, his breath hitting my face. “I want you Effie; I don’t care how horrible you think you are, I. Want. You.”

He loosened his grip as he spoke and I took the opportunity to duck under his arm, quickly moving to the other side of the kitchen.

“You just don’t get Tony!” I yelled, flailing my arms as I spoke, I needed him to believe that this is what I wanted; I needed him to accept it. “You shouldn’t want me. I’ve done nothing in my life but destroy things. I can’t do that to you, I won’t; I care about you so much and I just, I can’t let you do this. I am broken Tony. No matter what you believe, you can’t fix me; I can’t even fix myself. No one can!” I was panting, standing there in the kitchen, not meeting his gaze.

“Effie,” he started but I quickly cut him off.

“JUST GO!” I shouted, my voice echoing off the walls, making it seem so much louder than it was in this tiny apartment. I saw him flinch and he took a step back.

“Please don’t leave me,” Tony whispered.

I paused for a moment, his words echoing in my mind, consuming my every thought as I realized, for once, I was the one leaving someone behind. I finally had someone who cared about me again, someone who loved me and now I was the one leaving. I was the one running away from someone. It almost made me reconsider again, almost. Then Emily’s face flashed in my mind, the only other person who had loved me and all I saw was her pale, lifeless face as I placed a rose in her casket before they lowered her in ground. I couldn’t do that to Tony, I wouldn’t.

“Please leave.” I said in a broken whisper, closing my eyes tight.

I took in a deep ragged breath, as I opened my eyes. I kept my gaze on the ground, noticing Tony’s feet a few feet away from me. I watched as he began to back up, my heart breaking with every step until I couldn’t see him anymore. I couldn’t help myself and I looked up, seeing him in the doorway. His face was hard, emotionless as he looked over at me.

“You’re wrong.” He spoke, his voice just as emotionless as his face.

He turned, opening the door and then he left, slamming it shut loudly behind him. I couldn’t control the sobs anymore and I was gasping, panting for breath as I brought my hands up to my face. A few tears escaped and I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain, the pain of realizing that I was once again, all alone. This time though, this time it was my own choice. No one had left me, I was leaving them. I took in another deep, ragged breath and let my hand fall limp to my sides.

I started moving again, my motions robotic, lifeless, as I continued packing. I brought my boxes down to my car having to make three trips before I was finally satisfied with what I was leaving behind, well, all but one thing I was leaving behind.

I was already driving by the time the sun went down, letting the darkness consume me once again.

---

It had been four months since I left San Diego.

Four months since I left Tony.

Four months since I felt awake.

I had been there and I had been there, never staying around long enough to make the same connections I had in San Diego. I made sure the bars I worked at didn’t have a father like bar keep who treated me like a daughter, I made sure the diners I ate at didn’t have a waitress who knew me by name, I made sure that I never let anyone close enough to feel anything toward me. If I felt that someone was getting too attached, the bar keep starting to need me too much, I left that night, not saying goodbye, not giving any reasons why.

It was better that way

I was going through my life day by day, night by night, in the same sleepwalking haze I had done before San Diego. Before I met Tony and before he had changed me. Because he had, Tony had changed me in that short time that I had known him. I never imagined that those changes would stay with me though.

I no longer felt safe, not in the light and not in the dark. I had let Tony in, let his light shine through my darkness and after I left him, I couldn’t get away from it. I was on edge, nervous, anxious, everywhere I went, no matter the time of day. I wasn’t sleeping, if I did, it was for no more than four hours at a time, the nightmares keeping me from actually getting the rest I needed. That’s what was hurting me the most; the nightmares. The flashbacks were hitting me from every angle, breaking me down with every memory that left me breathless and terrified where I stood.

I was seeing faces everywhere I went. I would see Lucky making a cocktail next to me at the bar, I would see Darlene bringing me a warm hot chocolate at the small run down diner off the highway. I was seeing Emily in the teenager driving next to me on the freeway and I would see my parents scolding me at the gas station for walking away from them. More importantly though, I saw Tony. He was everywhere and anyone.

His voice, his last words he ever said to me were the last things I heard before I fell asleep and the first things I heard when I awoke.

You’re wrong.

I wasn’t even sure what he meant by those words. I had told him to leave and he had told me I was wrong. It didn’t make sense, and I knew he had to have been referring to something else I had said but I just couldn’t figure out what. That was the main reason why his voice was haunting my every thought.

I had lost weight. The lack of sleep and the nightmares had painted permanent dark bags under my eyes, making my eyes look hollow and lifeless. That’s exactly what I was: lifeless. If I thought I had been broken before, I was now a shattered remnant of what I used to be, the pieces no longer able to connect again as there were missing shards or specks that had been lost along the way. I would never be whole again.

The thought of returning to San Diego had crossed my mind numerous times. I wanted to see Tony again, I needed to feel alive again, I needed him. I finally realized that leaving had been a mistake, my whole life had been a mistake. He wouldn’t want to see me though, that much I knew for sure. I had left him. In my attempt to not cause him pain I had caused him the worst of all. I had abandoned him and that was a pain I had known all too well.

That’s why I wouldn’t be searching for him when I returned tomorrow. I would go straight to Lucky’s, pick up my final paycheck that I had left behind all those months ago and then leave right away again. I wouldn’t cause him anymore pain than I already had, I didn’t even want to cause Lucky the pain of seeing me again but money was getting scarce and I had no choice.

My stomach growled as another town passed by in my peripheral vision. I was only a couple hours outside of San Diego but I knew I had to stop somewhere. If not for food then at least a place to sleep, I was currently going on twenty two hours without so much as a cat nap, not like it mattered, I had gone longer but I didn’t want Lucky to worry too much when he saw me tomorrow. I noticed a bright neon sign a few miles ahead of me and decided to turn off there.

I pulled into the truck stop, which was surprisingly busy and I figured that this must be the only place for a while. I pulled into a parking spot after circling the building a few times, having a difficult time finding a spot with all the trucks and even a large bus that had a trailer hooked up to the back. There was a small diner attached to the gas station and I decided that I would go there, get something to eat and then hopefully get some directions to a motel.

I walked in, keeping my head down low in the crowded diner, noticing a few people, some alone, others in pairs, there was a rather large crowd toward the back and I felt my anxieties kick into overdrive as the hostess seated me not too far from them. I continued to keep my head down, folding my legs and arms into myself, trying to make me as small as possible.

“Good evening,” a voice said from beside me and I jumped. I looked up to see a waitress but she wasn’t Darlene so it didn’t matter much what she looked like. “What can I get for you tonight?” she asked, setting down a glass of water in front of me.

“Um, can I just get a hot chocolate please?” I asked in a small voice, avoiding her pondering eyes as she looked me over.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, but our hot chocolate machine is actually broken right now.” she said apologetically.

Broken. How appropriate.

“Just a coffee then please.” I mumbled, deciding I would get some caffeine in me and then drive some more.

“Coming right up.” She said and then left.

I sighed, thankful that I was alone again. There was a burst of laughter and then a loud shout from the large group close to me and I couldn’t help but glance over.

“Just a few more hours boys and then we’ll be home!” Said a voice that sounded oddly familiar.

There was a round of applause and then a few cheers as the guy who had been speaking took a seat. As soon as he sat down I realized why his voice had sounded familiar, I had only met him once but that didn’t mean I would ever forget him, he was a little hard to forget if I were being honest. I had to control my breathing as it started to come in shallow breaths as I watched Mike clink his glass with a man across from him. It was then that I saw who Mike was sitting next to.

No. No, impossible. What would he be doing out here? He couldn’t be out here; I couldn’t let him see me. I got up from my table quickly, running away yet again. In my hasty attempt to get up though I had managed to hit the cup of water with my arm. The glass tipped over, spilling water everywhere as the cup rolled off the table, clanking to the ground with an ear shattering noise. I stood frozen as everyone in the diner looked over my way.

I couldn’t help myself as I looked over toward him, immediately being held in his stare as his warm brown eyes locked in my own.

I quickly turned, making a beeline to the exit but it was too late, he had already saw me. I heard the scuffle of a chair and a scramble of feet as I practically ran toward the door.

“Effie, wait!” I heard Tony’s voice call as I pushed the door open as I escaped into the darkness of night once again, his footsteps telling me that he wasn’t far behind.

Notes

wow um, i don't even know what happened here, my mind was just racing and my fingers continued typing, but uh, hopefully I didn't make things too difficult for you @Lost in Neverland, lol


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