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Break the Barricade

Vic

It was the second day of our tour and we were hanging out in the front lounge. Every now and then Jaime gave me a worried look, but I knew he would leave me alone for now. My brother, Tony and Thea were there too and Jaime would never tell them without my permission. He was going to talk to me first.
“Vic, seriously,” Thea said. “Are you sure you are fine?”
She was referring to the lie I made earlier today. When did it become easy to see through me? I was used to anyone believing my fake smiles.
“Thea, seriously,” I replied with a convincing smile. “Yes I am fine. I might seem off today but honestly I’m just tired. Don’t worry.”
Mike laughed. “How are you tired? You left the party before it even begun.”
“Yes, but then I woke up in the middle of the night because someone was hiding in my bunk,” I replied. “Doesn’t really do any good for the quality of your sleep.”
Thea rolled her eyes and the subject of the conversation switched. They all accept the lie.
It took us a few hours to drive to the next venue. It were hours that passed slowly. The fake smiles I gave everyone, the way Jaime looked at me, the guilt rising up in my chest each time I looked at Mike… Each of these things seemed to slow down time, so it seemed like if I spend days in the damn bus. It just hurt me to know that my best friends didn’t know me as well as they thought they did. They thought I quit months ago, but actually I only started hiding it better. And now that Jaime knew everything was going to be messed up. He would make me tell the others and they were going to be so disappointed. Especially Mike. What did he do to deserve a brother like me anyway? Maybe it was a good thing the hours went by so slow anyway. Now I had more time to mentally prepare myself before my life was going to be all messed up.
The van stopped at a parking lot to give us all half an hour to stretch our legs. We all hopped out of the bus. Jaime put his hand on my shoulder and I feared the preparing time was over. I was right.
“I’m going for a short walk, you coming along Vic?” he asked, but his eyes told me it was not really a question. It was a demand.
No matter how much I wanted it, there was no use in trying to postpone this conversation. Jaime was on it and he was going to talk to me about it, whether I liked it or not. So I nodded quietly.
We walked silently for a few minutes until Jaime pointed at a grass hill to the right of us. “Let’s sit there,” he said. Once again it was a demand. I did as he said.
He sat down next to me, but I kept my eyes fixed to the ground. I didn’t want to see the pain in his eyes. The pain I caused. This felt like some sort of obliged session with a counselor anyway.
Jaime broke the silence. “Is this the first time you relapsed since you stopped?” he asked.
I closed my eyes and nodded. Is lying also lying if it’s gesturing instead of actually saying something?
“That’s pretty good actually,” he said, to my surprise. “I mean, it isn’t good that you relapsed, but how long did you go without? Months?”
I nodded again. Another lie added on the list. Is Jaime done with this yet?
“See?” Jaime said. I finally opened my eyes and I looked at him. He was smiling at me. Not a happy smile, but an encouraging one. “You’re getting somewhere. I’m proud of you.”
I wanted to cry. Of all things, I wasn’t expecting that. He was telling me he was proud of me for something I didn’t do. I was still the failure I used to be a few months ago, I just knew how to hide it better.
“Thanks,” I whispered. My voice seemed distant, almost like it wasn’t mine. I fixed my eyes to the ground once again. I didn’t want to look at Jaime anymore, I was afraid he would find the lie in my eyes if I looked at him. He was talking to a disappointment and he didn’t even know it.
“We need to tell the others though,” he said. Even though I was already expecting this one I still felt my heart sink into my shoes.
I shook my head. “No we don’t. It’s okay. I’m okay. It’s not even bad.”
Jaime sighed. “It doesn’t matter how bad it is Vic and you know that. Relapse is relapse and the others should know.”
“I don’t want to tell them,” I said stubbornly. “They don’t need to know. You know and that is enough.” That is already bad enough.
“Okay, I won’t tell the others,” Jaime said quietly. “I don’t like keeping it from them though. But can you please promise me one thing?”
I don’t like promises. “Sure.”
“Talk to me whenever you feel like this. It seriously hurts so much to see you like this.” I quickly looked at Jaime and I saw him with his face buried in his hands. That was my fault.
“Okay,” I said. Lie number three for the day. “I promise.”

Notes

Hey!
Sorry, this is a day late. I was having some trouble writing this, but at least I got it done now (:
Hope you guys don't hate me!
- Simone

Comments

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12/16/14

@CassiePTV
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WriteIsLife WriteIsLife
8/6/14

I'M DYINGGG

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8/6/14

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8/5/14

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8/4/14