Break the Barricade

I woke up sweating. I didn’t remember whatever nightmare I had, but it had to be bad, because I still felt panicky and scared. I decided to get out of bed to drink some water. Maybe it could help get that feeling away.
When I got up I rubbed my left arm against my bed sheet. Fuck. This feeling didn’t come from a nightmare. Or at least not a nightmare that wasn’t real. I remembered. Everyone knew. Thea was going to be so disappointed. But what bothered me the most, was Mike. I hurt my little brother, again. He was so mad. I wasn’t sure if everything would be okay again. I wasn’t sure if he would trust me again. I wasn’t even sure if I deserved his trust. I hardly trusted myself anymore.
Everything was still dark when I walked to the bathroom. I could hardly see anything. I turned on the lights and went to the sink to drink some water. Then I went back to my bunk. After I laid down I took out my phone to check the time. 3:14. I hadn’t slept very long yet.
My thoughts drifted back to what happened. Last time I made Mike a promise and he believed me. Now that I broke it, he probably wouldn’t believe me again. My brother meant so much to me. He’s always been there for me, even when no one else was. I guess my biggest fear was to lose him. I just wanted everything to go back to normal. Before Thea beat someone up. Because since then, everything was screwed.
After about half an hour, I was sick of it. I didn’t feel this bad in years. It felt like the weight of the entire world was pressed against my chest. I only knew one way to get that weight lifted and I needed it, even though it could make the weight heavier too. Whether it was four in the morning or not, I needed to talk to Mike. Now.
Slowly I left the safety of my bunk again. Jaime and Tony were asleep. I could hear them snoring lightly. Softly I walked to Mike’s bunk. Anxiety was rising in my chest, but I ignored it. I collected all my courage and then I drew back the curtain of Mike’s bunk.
He was sleeping. Somewhere, that disappoint me. Deep in my heart, I hoped he would be awake and contemplating things, just like I was. But I knew that was silly. I knew Mike felt bad too, but he was just a firmer sleeper. And less of a worrier.
“Mike,” I whispered softly. I nudged him too, gently trying to wake him up.
He grunted. Maybe he wasn’t much of a firm sleeper anyway.Then he slowly opened his eyes.
“Vic,” he mumbled. “What’s going on?”
I think he forgot that he was mad at me. Or maybe he just calmed down.
I bit my lip. “I just don’t want to lose you,” I said quietly.
I felt like an eight-year old standing at their parents’ bed after they had a bad dream. Besides I wasn’t eight anymore. And Mike wasn’t my parent.
Realization struck his eyes and for one second his gaze turned to anger. Then it softened and he swung his legs out of his bunk.
“Come on,” he whispered. I followed him into the front lounge. There he motioned me to sit while he went to get me a glass of water. I sat down on the couch and a few seconds later Mike sat down right in front of me.
He looked straight into my eyes. “You won’t lose me,” he said. “Never.”
“I’m sorry though,” I mumbled. “Also for waking you up at this time.”
“I’m sort of glad you did,” he said quietly. “We do need this talk.”
I bowed my head and nodded. We did need to talk. And I needed to be honest.
“Are you still mad at me?” I asked, still feeling like that little eight-year old.
Mike nodded. “I’m not going to lie to you. You were pretty much fucking with my trust. ”
I buried my face in my hands. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled again.
“Yeah, I know,” Mike said. “I just need you to be honest with me now okay? Why did you do this?”
“I felt like everything was my fault. I felt like-“ I took a moment to form the words in my head. This wasn’t easy to talk about. “I deserved it. Everything was crashing down on me and I needed the release,” I finished.
“You could’ve told us,” Mike stated.
“I know,” I sighed. “But I didn’t. And I regret that, okay? I’m sorry.”
Mike nodded. “And like that, you’re forgiven. You know Vic, being honest solves a lot. I know it’s hard, but sometimes you have to be honest.”
I sighed again. “I know,” I mumbled.
“Is it because of the stuff that happened with Thea?” Mike suddenly asked.
Yes. But I didn’t want to blame Thea for it. It wasn’t her fault, it was the fault of the situation. I don’t think she deserved the blame either. If it was anyone’s fault, it would be mine.
“Well?” Mike tried again.
I just nodded silently.
“I understand. Don’t worry, I’m not blaming Thea for this.” It was like he was reading my mind. “You need to tell her though,” he suddenly added.
I shook my head violently. “Please. Not now. Not while she has so much problems of her own.”
Mike thought about it for a second. “She needs to know,” he said softly. “If you don’t want to tell her through the phone, tell her when she gets back. You can’t build a relationship on lies.”
“I know,” I said. “We promised too. No lies.”
I would tell Thea eventually. I wasn’t going to break another promise.

Notes

Hey guys, sorry this chapter is quite late again. The next chapter will be Vic's POV too, since there is so much going on with him at the moment. I'm really gonna try my hardest to be a bit faster next time (:

Thank you so much for reading this ;D Let us know what you think!

-Simone

PS: KELCI LOVES ALL OF YOU. And so do I hehe