Break the Barricade

Why didn’t I say I love you back? Ever since Thea left the image of her face after she told me she loved me didn’t leave my mind. First she had this really loving look on her face. A look that proved to me that she meant it. So I smiled at her, just forgetting everything around us. I couldn’t help but just look at her. And then, then that look turned to disappointment and I suddenly realized I should’ve said it back. But before I could, she turned around and left. Of course I made her think that I didn’t love her back now, but I did. I do love her. With all of my heart. I love her so much it hurts. But when she needed to hear it the most, I didn’t tell her. I was such a jerk.
I was interrupted from my chain of thoughts when Mike drew back the curtain of my bunk. I smiled at him, convincing him and myself I was doing great.
“Come watch Harry Potter with me,” he whined. “It’s on television right now and nobody wants to join me.”
I rolled my eyes. “Because everyone has already seen it two hundred times because of you. ”
“Please?” he begged.
“Which one?” I asked.
“The third.”
I sighed and then shrugged. “Alright.”
I followed Mike to the front lounge and I found Tony on the couch.
“I thought nobody wanted to watch it with you?” I asked, raising my eyebrows at Mike.
He just smiled innocently and set down next to Tony. Mike was just trying to get me to socialize more, I got it. Whatever, I didn’t feel like walking back to my bunk now anymore anyway.
The movie had already started, but it didn’t matter too much. I had seen the movie so many times before that I remembered the beginning perfectly. I must admit it was kind of fun to have some quality time with my brother and one of my best friends. I couldn’t really spend entire days in my bunk anyway could I?
Sirius was almost escaping when my phone started ringing. I walked out of the front lounge towards the bunks to get myself some privacy.
“Hey,” I said through the phone.
“Vic! It’s Thea. I missed you so much! How are you?”
I smiled, feeling happy because I finally heard her voice again. “I’m good, how about you?”
“I’m okay. It’s basically like a prison here though,” she said bitterly.
“Why?” I asked, concerned.
“It’s all so strict. They took away everything but my clothes. They wake you up at 07:00, and then we have therapy basically all day. And at 21:00 they make me take pills so I will sleep, it’s fucking shit.”
“I understand,” I told her. “You have to remember what you’re doing this for though. In the end it will make things better.”
She sighed. “I know that. But how does make me take pills make things better? It’s just fucking bullshit.”
“I don’t know. But you have to trust them. They must know what they’re doing,” I tried convincing her.
I knew that Thea was probably rolling her eyes. “Yeah, I guess.” She sighed again. “Damn, I got to go. Bye Vic, I’ll call you again later.”
“Thea wait!” I hurriedly said. “I love you!” I blurted out.
“I love you too,” she replied. Then the call ended.
I cursed silently before I walked back to the front lounge. We made Thea go to that place and she hated it there. She was probably going to hate me for sending her there when she comes back. Fuck that.
When I came back the movie had just ended. Kellin and Jack were talking to Mike, who had a giant smile plastered on his face. Oh God.
“Vic, everyone is going out tonight!” he exclaimed happily. “Join us, it will be fun.”
I shook my head. “No thanks,” I said, as I wasn’t really in the mood to party.
“Don’t be such a spoilsport dude,” Kellin said, as he punched my chest playfully. “Literally everybody is going this time.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m serious guys, you go have fun. I’ll stay here.”
“I’ll stay here too,” Mike quickly said.
“I don’t need a babysitter Mike,” I sighed.
“Will you be okay on your own?” he asked. I knew what he meant, even though he didn’t say it like that.
“Of course,” I nodded.
He shrugged. “Alright then.”
Twenty minutes later I was left on my own. My brain was clouded with thoughts I shouldn’t have. Nobody questioned it if I wore long sleeves anymore and the guys never checked on me either. They decided that if they wanted me to trust them, they also needed to trust me. They shouldn’t trust me though.
Ever since Thea left, which was a few days ago, I had been craving it so much. I think the guys guessed that, because they made sure they never left me alone for longer than a few minutes. Apparently they thought it would be okay to leave their guard now though. Good.
I walked to the bathroom to get my razorblade. Then I walked back to the front lounge and I sat down on the couch. Finally.
I pulled up my sleeve to expose my way too clean skin. All the scars of earlier had changed into thin, white scars. It didn’t seem right.
I needed it. And I deserve it, I thought as I lowered the blade and cut into my skin. I added another. And another. And another. One for not saying I love you back. One for being a bad brother. One for being a disappointment. One for cutting again.
My left arm was cut to pieces but I wasn’t satisfied. I still had a right arm. One for being horrible. One for being ugly. One for being a bad boyfr-
“-hurry up though, we’re all waiting for you,” I heard somebody vaguely say in the background.
I wanted to get up and run away, but before I could the door opened.
“Hey, I just forgot my-” Tony started, but he stopped talking as soon as he saw me.
“Tony, what’s wrong?” Alex asked, coming in too. His eyes widened. “Fuck.”
In a matter of seconds three entire bands came into our front lounge, everyone with the same shocked expression on their face.
Shit.

Notes

Hey guys, lots of shit happening in this chapter. I hope you aren't mad at me for doing that to Vic!
Tell us what you think :)
-Simone