& The Reason Is You

“What do you mean?” I asked.

God fucking dammit, of course I knew what she meant but I didn’t and never expected her to know. I’ve already planned out everything. As soon as I finished school, I would find a place for me to live and then work and then get married and mom will never know what happen to me because she’s going to be so busy thinking about her only daughter.

“Your sister had told me that you’re…” she paused for a while, as if she was about to gag. As if she was disgusted. And then continued, “Gay.”

There was a huge lump on my throat and I wanted to cry. I could feel the disappointment in her voice and if there was one thing I hate the most – it would be being people’s disappointment. I’ve already expected mom to be disappointed in me but that wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t the one who told her. I was the one who tried to hide it from her so she wouldn’t be disappointed.
But my beloved sister decided that she had a better idea than me.

“Oh.”

“Tony,” she said, her hand was on my shoulder. I wanted to slap her hand away but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to move.

“I’m sorry, honey. But you have to marry a girl eventually. Tell me that’s a lie. Tell me what Val had told me that it was all lie. We could pretend this never happened and we’ll be okay.”

“It’s true, mom, I’m sorry,” my voice cracked. I was about to cry.

She removed her hand from my shoulder and stared at me in disbelief. “You do know why your dad left me. He left us! Don’t you know why? You know, Tony. You were there. You listened to everything that we had said and don’t tell me you’re going to fuck things up for us too!”

I looked up to her, stunned by every word she had said. My eyes were beginning to get teary. I was getting scared. My mom doesn’t usually curse – she rarely even talks to me. And now all of a sudden, she was yelling and cursing.

“It wasn’t my fault that I am interested –” I wanted to defend myself but she cut me as she yelled, “Bullshit!”

I stopped. I didn’t say anything. “You and your father are the same. You guys are messed up – stupid and dumb. Why do you have to go for something that you’re never gonna have instead of losing the ones you already have?!”

“Mom, I –”

“What, are you going to tell me that you are going to explain this, Tony? This is just absurd and stupid. I’ve been trying to be so nice to you but I just can’t. You’re disgusting like your father. I should’ve kicked you out the second Val told me. But I didn’t because you’re my son but you’re just like your fucking father and I can’t accept that!”

I couldn’t stand it anymore so I ran to my room. I heard the sound of her screaming but I really have no time to give a fuck. I locked myself and immediately lied down on the bed. I cried.
The words she said kept on repeating inside my head. Yes, I do know why our dad left us. He was the reason why I was scared to tell mom.

I didn’t remember when it was but I did remember the fight. Mom and dad had not been on a good term back then and they kept on arguing while whispering on their room and since my room was beside theirs, I could actually hear them. But then, it started to get worst day by day and I could clearly hear them yelling and the sound of crashes were eventually heard.

One day, it started to get even worst. They didn’t even wait for me to go to sleep to argue. Val was still small during that time. She was probably sleeping at the nursery. They were arguing downstairs. I could hear mom yelling about how unfair she had been treated. She was crying. My dad didn’t do anything – he just stood there, willingly to take all the blame.

Mom was throwing things and my dad did nothing to calm her down.

I wanted to go to them, to comfort mom but all I did was just sit on the stairs and listened. Turned out dad had cheated on mom. He told mom that he was sorry that he didn’t love her anymore. My mom was curled into a ball, sobbing and she listened. My dad didn’t hug her or anything; he just stood there, talking.

He explained to her everything. He wanted to start a new life with his new girlfriend – but the thing was, he was in love with another guy. Mom began to shout again, telling her that she still loves him. Dad just nodded. Mom began to curse and said bad things. She told her that he wasn’t worth it – that guy would never love dad.

Things happened and I didn’t dare to look so I closed my eyes. I could hear someone slammed the door and when I was sure everything was okay, I opened my eyes. Everything was a mess. My mom was a mess. She was crying and that was possibly the side of mom that I never wanted to see again.

“Mom?” I called out.

She looked up to me. Her cheeks were wet from all the tears and although this sounds disgusting, I could see snots coming out of her nose. She called me softly and I came to her. She hugged me tightly and kept on whispering everything was going to be alright. But I know it wouldn’t because the next day, dad wasn’t living with us anymore. And mom changed. She had a cold demeanor.

I sobbed. I could feel my pillow was getting wet from the tears. I shouldn’t have told Val in the first place. I was the one at fault. I should’ve kept it as a secret but no, I was so stupid. I was too ashamed to get out of my room.

And I fell asleep crying.

Notes

hiya guys!
sorry for the late update. i was busy and im lacking of motivation to write so yeah.
u guys are allowed to stab me with a fork bc this story is getting lamer and lamer. i wanted to redo it but you guys already know most of it so yeah

comments?