She Doesn't Know Who I Am, For I Am A Ghost.
Roses On My Grave
*Tony’s POV
I woke up to an empty bed, like I did just about every morning. An empty bed equals an empty feeling. It wasn’t Ajla’s fault, though, she had to work. I stood up and scratched my head, looking to see what time it was. 11:23 A.M. I sighed loudly and climbed out of bed. I stood in front of the large window in our bedroom and looked outside at the trees and water around our house. It was absolutely perfect. I turned around and made the bed of white sheets, white pillows and a white duvet. Thoughts of when I first met Ajla flowed through my head and I smiled unwillingly. I’m so in love with her. I opened the door and walked downstairs as the wood creaked underneath my feet. The house was a bit cold this morning, but I ignored it. I made my way into the kitchen and read the note that she left me every morning.
Hey, love! Goodmorning to you :) I get off work at 4 today.. I can’t wait to see you. Maybe we can have a “special” night tonight? ;) I love you, don’t forget that! -Ajla
I laughed at her hint of promiscuity and set the note down, pouring myself a cup of coffee.
I spent the next hour and a half watching the news, talking to the guys in the band, and drinking coffee. I finally decided that I should do something with my day, so I climbed back up the stairs, still extremely tired. I walked into the bathroom and locked the door, routine for me. I turned the exhaust fan on and waited for the water to heat up. As I waited, a sudden wave of sadness collapsed on my body. This happened a lot… My depression has gotten a lot worse since I found out that my ex-girlfriend Lacey had passed away from a drunk-driving accident. I hated that I still had feelings for her, especially because I had found someone who treated me so much better- Ajla.
Memories of mine and hers relationship filled my mind and I felt my face grow hot and my hands began shaking. I turned the water and fan off and sat on the side of the tub, cupping my face in my hands. I continued thinking of all the fun I’d had with Lacey, and I needed to stop immediately. I loved Ajla, and only Ajla. Lacey was dead, though. I don’t know how long I was sitting there, but I just wanted to die. I remembered the pills I hid in the tank of the toilet. Gross, I know, but Ajla couldn’t find them. I pulled out the plastic bag and the 5 bottles of different pain killers in the bag. I downed 5 Aspirin, 6 Tylenol PM, and a number of other things until I lost count. I was screaming and crying at the top of my lungs. I ran downstairs and let loose- I tipped over the coffee table, punched the TV, and knocked down several pictures and chairs. I paid no attention to what I was doing. I heard a car door outside and I froze in place. I held my breath and ran upstairs, back into the bathroom and locked the door. I resumed my seat on the side of the tub and began crying again, mostly out of disappointment. I’d broken the promise I made with Ajla years ago when we first started dating- No more suicide attempts, self harm, or anything of the sort. But I just attempted suicide and now I regret it. My heart was racing and I couldn’t stop shaking. I heard the front door open and I let out another wail. I’m such a failure.. She’s going to hate me so much. I heard her small feet running up the stairs. I went silent. She slammed into the door, but it didn’t open. Everything was quiet for a moment until i heard something messing with the doorknob.
Shit, she’s picking the lock.
I managed to quiet myself as much as possible as she opened the door. I ignored everything and zoned out. Moments later, I felt her cold hand on my back, which made me jump. She continued rubbing my back which calmed me down some, but I was still panicking.
I heard her shaky breath match with mine, something we’d always done when we were together.
I knew she was crying, which made me feel like an asshole. I clenched my fists tighter, but held still. More tears fell from my face and I felt numb.
Her cold, soft hands swept across my face, pulling my hair away from it. My eyes stayed closed, though. Seeing her cry would only hurt worse. Her soft voice rose.. “Tony, Darling… Don’t do this to yourself.. Please..” I squinted my eyes as hard as I could as she wrapped her hands around mine. I waited a moment before I worked up the nerve to speak.
“I feel like such a failure, I even broke our promise..” I felt like such an idiot after saying that. Obviously I broke our promise.
“That was years ago.. Promises are made to be broken.” She said, sounding broken. God fucking dammit I am such an asshole. Why is she even with me?
She moved in front of me, still knelt down. Her hands moved to either side of my face and she picked up my head, but I still kept my eyes closed.
“Look at me.” She said, now sounding angry.
I quickly snapped my eyes open and looked at hers, feeling worthless as ever.
“I will love you no matter what promises you do or don’t keep, or what you fail or succeed at. Nothing will tear me away from you, especially a little broken promise like this. I love you to the moon and back and if I can help it, I always will.” These words played over and over again in my head. Knowing that I really had someone that loved me made me feel a little bit better, but I couldn’t help but still feel alone. I didn’t realize it, but i’d been ignoring her. I kept saying those words over and over- they were really helping, but not really.
“Will you tell me what happened?” She said, and I snapped back into reality. I didn’t hear what she’d said exactly, so I just didn’t reply. Just then. she put her hands in mine and tried to pull me up, but I just pushed down. I didn’t want to move, I want to stay here forever, in this small space with the love of my life. I don’t want to have to deal with any other people or do anything.. I just want to stay with her forever.
“No, leave me alone” I said. Shit, no! That’s not what I meant! I tried thinking of a way to reword what I’d said, but I just couldn’t do it, so i sat there in embarrassment. She looked so broken and hurt.
What the fuck have I done? I closed my eyes again and I heard her slowly walk away. I stayed in the same position for a while until I heard violent sobbing and the door slam.
She left me, I thought. I tried texting her and calling her so many times, until I started throwing up blood. Dammit. I called my best friend Vic, told him to call 911 after I hung up, and told him to try and contact Ajla to which he agreed.
Then everything went black...
I woke up to an empty bed, like I did just about every morning. An empty bed equals an empty feeling. It wasn’t Ajla’s fault, though, she had to work. I stood up and scratched my head, looking to see what time it was. 11:23 A.M. I sighed loudly and climbed out of bed. I stood in front of the large window in our bedroom and looked outside at the trees and water around our house. It was absolutely perfect. I turned around and made the bed of white sheets, white pillows and a white duvet. Thoughts of when I first met Ajla flowed through my head and I smiled unwillingly. I’m so in love with her. I opened the door and walked downstairs as the wood creaked underneath my feet. The house was a bit cold this morning, but I ignored it. I made my way into the kitchen and read the note that she left me every morning.
Hey, love! Goodmorning to you :) I get off work at 4 today.. I can’t wait to see you. Maybe we can have a “special” night tonight? ;) I love you, don’t forget that! -Ajla
I laughed at her hint of promiscuity and set the note down, pouring myself a cup of coffee.
I spent the next hour and a half watching the news, talking to the guys in the band, and drinking coffee. I finally decided that I should do something with my day, so I climbed back up the stairs, still extremely tired. I walked into the bathroom and locked the door, routine for me. I turned the exhaust fan on and waited for the water to heat up. As I waited, a sudden wave of sadness collapsed on my body. This happened a lot… My depression has gotten a lot worse since I found out that my ex-girlfriend Lacey had passed away from a drunk-driving accident. I hated that I still had feelings for her, especially because I had found someone who treated me so much better- Ajla.
Memories of mine and hers relationship filled my mind and I felt my face grow hot and my hands began shaking. I turned the water and fan off and sat on the side of the tub, cupping my face in my hands. I continued thinking of all the fun I’d had with Lacey, and I needed to stop immediately. I loved Ajla, and only Ajla. Lacey was dead, though. I don’t know how long I was sitting there, but I just wanted to die. I remembered the pills I hid in the tank of the toilet. Gross, I know, but Ajla couldn’t find them. I pulled out the plastic bag and the 5 bottles of different pain killers in the bag. I downed 5 Aspirin, 6 Tylenol PM, and a number of other things until I lost count. I was screaming and crying at the top of my lungs. I ran downstairs and let loose- I tipped over the coffee table, punched the TV, and knocked down several pictures and chairs. I paid no attention to what I was doing. I heard a car door outside and I froze in place. I held my breath and ran upstairs, back into the bathroom and locked the door. I resumed my seat on the side of the tub and began crying again, mostly out of disappointment. I’d broken the promise I made with Ajla years ago when we first started dating- No more suicide attempts, self harm, or anything of the sort. But I just attempted suicide and now I regret it. My heart was racing and I couldn’t stop shaking. I heard the front door open and I let out another wail. I’m such a failure.. She’s going to hate me so much. I heard her small feet running up the stairs. I went silent. She slammed into the door, but it didn’t open. Everything was quiet for a moment until i heard something messing with the doorknob.
Shit, she’s picking the lock.
I managed to quiet myself as much as possible as she opened the door. I ignored everything and zoned out. Moments later, I felt her cold hand on my back, which made me jump. She continued rubbing my back which calmed me down some, but I was still panicking.
I heard her shaky breath match with mine, something we’d always done when we were together.
I knew she was crying, which made me feel like an asshole. I clenched my fists tighter, but held still. More tears fell from my face and I felt numb.
Her cold, soft hands swept across my face, pulling my hair away from it. My eyes stayed closed, though. Seeing her cry would only hurt worse. Her soft voice rose.. “Tony, Darling… Don’t do this to yourself.. Please..” I squinted my eyes as hard as I could as she wrapped her hands around mine. I waited a moment before I worked up the nerve to speak.
“I feel like such a failure, I even broke our promise..” I felt like such an idiot after saying that. Obviously I broke our promise.
“That was years ago.. Promises are made to be broken.” She said, sounding broken. God fucking dammit I am such an asshole. Why is she even with me?
She moved in front of me, still knelt down. Her hands moved to either side of my face and she picked up my head, but I still kept my eyes closed.
“Look at me.” She said, now sounding angry.
I quickly snapped my eyes open and looked at hers, feeling worthless as ever.
“I will love you no matter what promises you do or don’t keep, or what you fail or succeed at. Nothing will tear me away from you, especially a little broken promise like this. I love you to the moon and back and if I can help it, I always will.” These words played over and over again in my head. Knowing that I really had someone that loved me made me feel a little bit better, but I couldn’t help but still feel alone. I didn’t realize it, but i’d been ignoring her. I kept saying those words over and over- they were really helping, but not really.
“Will you tell me what happened?” She said, and I snapped back into reality. I didn’t hear what she’d said exactly, so I just didn’t reply. Just then. she put her hands in mine and tried to pull me up, but I just pushed down. I didn’t want to move, I want to stay here forever, in this small space with the love of my life. I don’t want to have to deal with any other people or do anything.. I just want to stay with her forever.
“No, leave me alone” I said. Shit, no! That’s not what I meant! I tried thinking of a way to reword what I’d said, but I just couldn’t do it, so i sat there in embarrassment. She looked so broken and hurt.
What the fuck have I done? I closed my eyes again and I heard her slowly walk away. I stayed in the same position for a while until I heard violent sobbing and the door slam.
She left me, I thought. I tried texting her and calling her so many times, until I started throwing up blood. Dammit. I called my best friend Vic, told him to call 911 after I hung up, and told him to try and contact Ajla to which he agreed.
Then everything went black...
yay
9/22/13