"Uhhh hello?" Roman waved his fingers Infront of my face.
Here I go feeling stupid all over again.
"Sorry, it's just I was in a moment" I chuckled, want ingot I seem like I was normal.
"So, have you ate?" He asked.
Oh, gosh really? This question. Lie Lissett!
"Yup, I stuffed my face" I grinned. Good, it sounded legit and maybe he'd buy it.

"You're lying, you're such a bad liar" he insisted.
Damn it, I need to practice lying to myself in the mirror. As bad as I was, I still continued on with it.
"Seriously, I ate..it was the second thing I did this morning" I shrugged.
"Your mother says you haven't touched a plate since the hospital."
"My mother is crazy, she just doesn't see me eat"
"Lissett" he groaned.

He gave me this look of disbelief and I realized I couldn't lie to his face.
"Okay, so maybe I've skipped a few meals.." Suddenly we lost eye contact.
"Well don't, you know it's bad" he sounded disappointed.
"I know...I know..."
"Don't tell me you know, show me" he grinned.
"I will, from now on"

We continued to walk, and my eyes strolled around the huge mall.
It'd been a good while since I had been out, seeing how my dramatic ass was in and out the hospital.
"What were your original plans for today?" I asked.
He shrugged as his face crinkled up.
"I was suppose to go to the movies with a friend, but I wasn't feeling it. So I was glad you called actually"
My mind fell back, feeling like I have just intrugeded this guys life with my nonsense.
"Oh, I didn't mean to make you cancel anything... I just..last-"
"It's fine you don't have to explain yourself, you needed someone ,so I was there" he smiled, his arm slithered around me pulling me in towards him closer.

The feeling goes on and on, like I'm doing something wrong for being with Roman, while Tony is out in boot camp. I couldn't describe to you how bad of a virus Tony was inside my head. It's like he controlled me even when he was far away. Get out of my head Tony! Get the fuck out!
I even think roman had noticed my sudden disturbance with my inner self.

"How's Tony?" He asked, making it sound like it was painful for him.
"Not sure" I mumbled, looking towards the young children who were throwing coins into the fountain.
"What does that mean?" His eyebrows furrowed.
"He left" I shrugged making it seemed like I wasn't disturbance by the questions.
"Left where?"
"Marine Boot Camp" my eyes strolled away with a quickness.

I could tell roman wanted to say something comforting but didn't know exactly what to say.
"I mean, it's fine really I'm not bothered about it"
It was partially the truth. I wasn't bothered that he left...I was bothered that I wasn't fine.
I'm scared that I never will be fine.
I hate that I feel like I relie on Tony too much for my own existence.

I dont like lthis feeling, Like I need somone to watch over me. Or that I can't function.
So when people start to romanticize depression - it really pisses me off.
Unless you know what it's like to be in a tunnel with absolute no lighting, no escapes I suggest you sit the fuck down and shut your mouth. There is nothing beautiful about hating yourself so much that you would much rather end it - even for yourself. Someone please tell me what is so beautiful about wanting to tear apart your skin so wide and having tears slide down your cheek at almost every moment of the day.

When you can't sleep, because your mind is being your own worst enemy.
when you feel like you're nothing to this world. What is so beautiful about starving yourself just to feel pretty? Feeling like without my significant other I cannot properly function really fucked me up.
I felt useless and that no matter what I did...it went unnoticed. I hated the feeling of my bed without him.
He was a fucking virus in my brain and I screamed to get it out. I wanted to run out the pitch black tunnel...but I wasn't strong enough. Physically and mentally.

I didn't see what was so awesome about being strolled away to an isolated room, it was more like your own personal hell without the red walls and flames. Instead you had your mind telling you everything you could of done better to end up dead and not having to deal with any of the hospital bullshit.
See, but I didn't realize that. I had to experience all on my own.
i had to forcefully shut myself down - whether it meant smashing my head against the wall or tearing myself apart with blades and anything else that could open skin so damn easily.

This wasn't fun, nor was it or will it ever be beautiful to feel dis functional.

Notes

I feel like this was a deep chapter.
I had been writing for a few days, even though it was a short filler.
Also, I wanted to mention in there that the ending to this chapter was very deep and personal.

1.) I don't need any of the hate mail. This is MY TRUE STORY. If you don't like it or believe fuck off.
Your bullshit will not be tolerated with me. These are true events and you have no right to come off on me saying I'm doing this for attention. Or that I am stealing your subscribers.
People read my story and love it. I have messages daily saying that I have inspired them to be stronger and that...is the best fucking thing I can do. To help someone or to prevent them from becoming depressed or from Anorexia.