When I opened my eyes, I closed them again. My body felt heavy but weightless at the same time. Numb. My left forearm was numb, my right wrist, my head, my heart. All of it was numb. My eyes were sore and my throat was tingling.

“Vic,” Alyssa said softly, rubbing my shoulder. I let out a wispy breath and opened my eyes.

“Hi, Alyssa,” I managed to croak out.

“How are you feeling?” she asked carefully, continuing to run her hand up and down my arm.

I swallowed and shrugged my shoulders. “Lissy… I…” my voice trailed off and my breathing hitched.

“It’s okay, Vic,” she said quietly, as if she knew what I was going to say. She stroked my hair gently.

I sighed a little as I sat up, leaning my back against the headboard. Alyssa was already doing the same, so I titled my head and rested it on her shoulder. I moved my arms and blindly searched for her hand, and when our hands met and curled together I instantly felt warm.

“What time is it?” I asked.

“It’s eleven in the morning,” she said.

“I slept…”

“Eighteen hours,” she said.

“Wow.”

“You needed it,” she said, brushing my hand with her thumb. I turned my head more so my face was against her shoulder and I kissed it.

“Thank you, Lissy,” I sighed in relief. “I’m sorry for the poor timing,” I added, reaching my other hand across to trace her thigh.

“I told you, Vic… I’m okay enough to be here for you,” she squeezed my hand gently. “You couldn’t control it.”

I looked down at my bandaged and stitched up arm. “I could have controlled this,” I muttered.

“Hey, Vic,” she said, her far hand reaching across to touch my face. She took my chin in her hand and tilted my head up so we were looking at each other, our breaths so close that they were almost each other’s. “You told me yesterday yourself that it happens to the best of us. Sometimes we just cave in, but it isn’t our fault, that’s what you said. You have to believe that for yourself,” she said softly. I nodded. I noticed her eyes were welling up with tears.

“Please don’t cry,” I whispered. I tilted my head forward so our foreheads were connected.

“Vic… I gave you those blades. You did this because you had them… you had them because I gave them to you. I’m so sorry,” she cried softly.

“No, Alyssa,” I said firmly. I brought my right hand up and held the back of her head strongly. “The circumstances were fucked up, yes, but it’s not your fault. If I didn’t have the blades in the pocket, I would have smashed the bathroom mirror in with my fists and used shards of glass. If I didn’t have any access to sharp objects, I would have slammed my head into the cement wall. If I didn’t have—”

“Vic, stop,” she cried. “I don’t want to hear how you would have hurt yourself, please,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” I closed my eyes. “God, Alyssa. I’m so fucking sorry. I hope it didn’t trigger you…” I whispered.

“It didn’t,” she said. “I was more concerned with you, Vic,” she said. I opened my eyes and stared at her, and she immediately pressed her lips to mine, taking me by surprise. After a moment, I kissed her back, but then she pulled away.

“What was that for?” I chuckled softly.

“You did that for me yesterday. You saw something dead in my eyes, so you kissed me. Your eyes were just dead, Vic. I love you too much to see your eyes dead. But now they are alive,” she whispered, cupping my cheek tenderly with her hand, her fingers slightly curled on my face.

“Alyssa I can’t promise that I—”

“I know, Vic. I know. I know it’s going to be hard. I know how important she was to you,” she said. “I understand, okay? I am not confused with the terms of your relationship with her, or your relationship with me. I know how you feel about me but I also know how important Bree was to you. I’m so sorry that this happened, Vic. I know. I know you’re going to have good and bad days. But I will stick by your side through them all, okay? We will take it one day at a time, but I won’t leave you. I love you,” she said, and, by the end of her small speech, her hands were on both side of my face, staring at me in determination.

I lifted my hands and held onto her arms, curling four fingers at the top of her wrists and my thumb at the bottom. I nodded. “Thank you Alyssa. Thank you for understanding. You are so perfect…” I breathed.

She shook her head and smiled weakly. “Not perfect, Vic.”

“Perfect for me,” I altered. “And I know I don’t own all of the pain, Lissy… promise me you won’t bottle up how you feel just because of this? Promise me that you will still talk to me if something happens at school or if you feel like hurting yourself for no reason, no matter what state I’m in…”

“I promise, Vic,” she whispered.

“Promise me a second time,” I said desperately.

“I promise,” she breathed. I smiled softly at her and leaned forward, sealing the double promise with a sensitive kiss.

I closed my eyes and reconnected my forehead with hers, holding onto her tightly and ignoring the shooting pains in my arms. I just needed to hold on to her and never let go.

“Sh, it’s okay,” she rocked me back and forth, and it wasn’t until she said that that I realized I was crying again. My breaths were heavy and close to hyperventilation as I stained her t-shirt with my tears. “Sh, sh,” she cooed.

After a few moments I finally caught my breath and composed myself, just in time for there to be a knock on the door. I looked up to see Tony in the doorway, staring at us sadly.

“I made pancakes if you’re interested,” he shot us a toothy grin, and I smiled weakly at him.

“Thanks Tony,” I said. “Er,” I looked at Alyssa. “We’ll be there soon,” I said. She nodded and smiled at her brother. Tony smiled back weakly and then turned away.

“Fuck,” I breathed loudly.

“What?”

“Too many fucking people have died this year,” I shuddered. She didn’t say anything, but I didn’t expect her too. It was just a horrific realization that I had to say out loud. If I didn’t let it out, it would intoxicate my brain.

“You want to go?” she gestured to the door. I nodded and pulled her into a hug, and then we got up. I hissed when my left arm stung.

“You okay?”

“Just hurts a little,” I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t have much room to complain because I did it to myself.

She scrunched her mouth sympathetically and gently traced my bandaged arm with her fingertips. “You can’t take pain killers, right?” she frowned. I nodded. “We can try icing it a little, maybe, okay?” I nodded again.

“I’ve never had to get stitches before,” I mumbled.

“Shh,” she rubbed my back. “Don’t let it get to your head. You’re doing fine,” she assured. I nodded and turned to kiss her cheek before we entered the kitchen.

The smell of pancakes filled my senses, and my stomach growled. I haven’t eaten in over twenty-four hours, so I was very thankful for Tony’s consideration right now.

We sat down at the table, seeing that Tony had already set out plates. “Morning, guys,” he said. At my place, I noticed a glass of water and pills resting on the table. My eyes widened, and I stared at Tony gratefully. He nodded.

“You’re the best, Tony,” I said, immediately taking them. God only knew what would happen if I missed a medication. I would probably be the next person on the list of dead people.

Notes

Short filler womppp