I woke up with a heavy fog over me. Everything was hazy, blurry, and heavy. There was a sharp feeling in my right arm, as if I had been pinched, and I looked over to see a needle in my arm.

‘Good morning, Vic,’ someone said. My vision still fuzzy, I slowly turned my head to face the source of the voice. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. I felt paralyzed, like I could only move my eyes as the world spun fast around me.

‘Hi, Mike,’ I smiled at him standing in the doorway, but a frown was on his face.

‘They said you had a bad day yesterday. They had to sedate you. I hate to hear that,’ Mike said sadly.

‘I’m sorry,’ I croaked. ‘Thanks for visiting,’ I said quietly.

Mike smiled weakly at me—I knew it pained him to see me like this. I wanted to stay up and talk to him, but the medicine still in my system made that impossible, and everything went dark again.

I woke up again with a clearer head, and the needle in my arm was gone, leaving behind a tiny spot of blood that was covered with a bandage.

‘How are you feeling?’ she asked.

I sat up in the bed with a frown. ‘Not so good,’ I admitted, suddenly remembering seeing Mike. ‘Can I see Mike?’ I requested, wondering if visitors were allowed.

‘You can’t right now, I’m sorry. But it’ll be okay,’ she comforted me, patting my shoulder. She left her hand resting on my shoulder, and I tilted my head to the side, the left side of my face making sweet contact with the back of her hand. I felt more relaxed with her here.

‘I’m sorry I freaked out,’ I said.

‘It’s really okay, Vic. You know, I’m glad you recognize when you breakdown. It means you are really going to get better,’ she said positively. Maybe she was right—I seemed to always be conscious whenever I felt like I was about to lose it—but I also didn’t think I could get better.

I disconnected my face from her hand that remained on my shoulder, turning my head so I could look at her. ‘I want to finish telling you,’ I said lowly, unsure as to why I desired that.

‘I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Vic,’ she said warily.

‘I want you to know, though,’ I said. I wanted her to know the detail of my life that made me who I was today.

‘I can find out from someone else, Vic,’ she suggested, but something in her demeanor made it seem like she already knew. I shook my head vigorously.

‘No, I want to tell you. I might feel better if I talk about it,’ I said. I didn’t know what came over me, though—the last thing I wanted to do was talk or think about what happened. But here I was, feeling rather loopy from medication, wanting to reveal my darkest moment to her. Maybe I just wanted to see if she would still accept me once she knew what I did…

‘If that’s what you really want,’ she said warily.

‘I think so,’ I said.

‘Then I’ll listen,’ she said warmly. ‘Where would you like to talk?’

I shrugged my shoulders. ‘Can we just stay here?’ I suggested, unsure if my legs were strong enough to walk around.

‘Of course,’ she said, walking over to grab a chair.

I got out of bed and stretched my limps, adjusting my grey sweatpants and t-shirt before sitting on the end of my bed, my back against the eggshell colored wall and my feet crossed. I knew it was wrong to ask, but I patted the space next to me, inviting her to sit on the bed with me. She smiled weakly at me, putting the chair back and sitting close next to me on the bed, crossing her legs just like me. I always felt calmer when she was close next to me. It made talking about what I was going to talk about easier—not by much, though.

I put my left hand into her right hand—repeating her actions from yesterday. It was bold, sure, but it also made me feel better. She didn’t mind, either, giving my hand a soft squeeze. I took that as my invitation to begin talking.

Soon I was far enough away so I couldn’t hear the taunting and malicious voices. Before I knew it, I was standing on an old, abandoned bridge, rough water and sharp rocks below me. If I was lucky, the bridge would collapse before I got the chance to do anything myself.

I stared down at the water below, wanting noting more than to dissolve into the rapids. It would hurt, but it wouldn’t compare to the hurt I felt on a daily basis. And then, the pain would die right along with me. It’d be so easy…

I walked closer to the edge of the bridge, lifting myself over the railing and swinging my legs over so I was sitting on top of it.

Just jump already, the voice in my head chimed. It was right; I should just jump. I didn’t want to live in this world anymore. I didn’t want to belong to a planet where people were so cruel.

I ripped my hat off of my head, releasing it so it fell into the water below me. I counted the seconds it took to hit the surface… one, two, three, four… twenty-seven seconds. The hat was light, so it fell down lightly like a feather. So, that would mean that the time it would take me to fall and hit the water would be considerably shorter. Less than twenty-seven seconds. It’d take almost no time to end it all. I watched the hat being thrashed around by the rapids, and then it traveled down with the current, disappearing into nature. I yearned for that to be my body; I’ve already been thrashed around by the rapids of life, and now all I wanted was to float peacefully down the river.

“I really just want to die,” I said the words out loud. I had to say them out loud to make sure that I was right. And I was—the words felt honest in my mouth. It was what I truly desired.

“Don’t—you—dare,” I turned my head, immediately making eye contact with Mike. I closed my eyes and sighed. I didn’t want him to show up. I wanted him to leave like everybody else.

“Go away, Mike,” I said weakly.

“I am not about to let you kill yourself, God damn it,” he said angrily. Great, Mike was angry with me. He probably hates me.

“Please,” I begged.

“No!” Mike yelled desperately.

I wanted to jump so badly, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it with Mike standing there. I couldn’t be selfish like that and make him have to live with it for the rest of his life—witnessing his brother fall to his death.

“I don’t want you to see this,” I said quietly.

“I’m not leaving until you get off of that railing,” Mike said fiercely.

I shook my head, blinking back tears. I could be dead by now, if he would just let me go.

“Suit yourself,” Mike sighed, and I thought he was going to finally leave me alone, but he did the complete opposite.

“Mike! What are you doing?”I yelled as he took a place on the railing right next to me.

“If you die, I die, too,” he said, a wicked and crazed smile inhabiting his face.

“No, Mike,” I said severely.

“Vic, I may have been a shitty brother the beginning of this year, but I don't like seeing you like this. Please don’t leave me,” he begged. “You’re the only family I have,” he added, referring to our absent parents.

“It’s too hard,” I cried.

“I know, buddy, I know. But we’ll get through it together. In two months, school will be over for you. We can move on with our lives, start something fresh. We can start a band and change lives, Vic! Wouldn’t that be cool?”

I smiled at the thought. “I guess you’re right,” I sighed in defeat. I stared longily at the water, but then I focused my attention on Mike. He was more important. I’d rather suffer through life than leave him hurting.

He’s lying to you. He just wants you to live so people can torture you more.

“No!” I yelled at the voice in my head.

“Don’t listen to them, Vic. Please, don’t! I swear to God, we’re going to change the world,” Mike promised. “I swear, things will get better,” he said more desperately.

I nodded. “O-Okay,” I said.

Mike smiled in success. “Let’s go,” he said with a reassuring smile.

I believed him; maybe things were going to get better.

Oh, I was dead wrong.

My feet planted firmly on the ground. Mike smiled at me, swinging one leg over the side, as well, to follow me. He stopped, suddenly, though, a new expression taking over his features: terror.

I felt it, too. The bridge started to rattle as a car sped past us. Mike held on to the railing, his eyes wide in horror.

“Mike!” I screamed, and then the rattling stopped. Mike breathed a sigh of relief.

“That was a close one,” he laughed nervously, and I shook my head. Too close for comfort.

“Come on,” I said, extending my arm for him.

“I got it, I got it,” he said, prepping himself to swing his other leg over and hop back down to the secure ground. “Fuck,” he muttered, and before I could ask what was wrong, I saw that the hem of his pants had caught onto a sharp nail on the railing, so his leg jerked up but the nail held him back, making him wobble.

“No!” I screamed again, lunging for him. But it was too late. His balance was off, causing him to fall… he fell right before my eyes, but in the wrong direction. The force of gravity was too much for the nail, making him effortlessly fall off of the side.

His body fell past the railing, and his legs hit the edge of the bridge in a terrible snap. I gripped to the railing in horror, not being able to do anything but watch as his body tumbled perilously down. I screamed bloody-murder as the water below me turned red.

And it was now Mike’s body floating down the river. Not mine in my imagination. Mike’s. In reality.

If I die, you die, too. I immediately got sick on the side of the bridge. I had no other choice but to follow him.

“Hey! Kid! Don’t do it!” I turned around, my eyes wild, at a man running towards me. Mike was still in the river, floating down until I couldn’t see him anymore.

“He’s dead!” I screamed, but before I could throw myself over the side of the bridge, the stranger’s arms held me back tightly. A stranger cared about me dying? What was wrong with this world? “No!” I objected, thrashing around in agony.

“Mikey’s dead!”

My lungs felt constricted as I choked out the words. I could feel myself breaking down, again—any second I was going to be sedated.

‘I-I’m s-sorry,’ I gasped out loud, talking to her and also Mike.

‘Shh, shh,’ she cooed, wrapping her arms around me securely. ‘Calm down, it’s okay, it’s okay,’ she repeated.

I tried to calm down, I really did. But my heart rate was escalating through the roof. I couldn’t breathe, or see, or think, or feel. My world was enveloped in one, giant blanket of numbness. The pain I felt was so intense that it made me numb.

‘Vic!’ she said a little more desperately this time, but I just couldn’t break out of my fit. Before I knew it, her arms dropped off of me, being replaced by two strong hands around my biceps. That only made it worse.

‘No, don’t do that, yet!’ I heard her voice call to the two men desperately as I continued to shake in panic. I saw from the corner of my eye something flicker: a needle.

The two hands gripped around my upper arms suddenly released me, and I collapsed back into her arms. She held me, smoothing out my hair on the back of my head.

I didn’t want to be sedated again, and I was glad that she knew that. When I was sedated, I saw him. And I really couldn’t face him right now, the pain, the guilt, and the memory now fresh in my head.

I continued to cry, clutching on to her desperately. I pulled away from her suddenly, though, realizing that she was probably disgusted with me. I looked into her eyes when I spoke to her, hoping that she’d get the message more directly: That I was dangerous. That she shouldn’t be trying to help me. That I couldn’t be helped. ‘See? I’m a murderer. I killed my own brother.’

Notes

....WELL... please don't hate me. it had to happen!