I slid down the eggshell colored wall and brought my legs into my chest, burying my face into my hands. In contrast to the way everything seemed to move in slow motion before, my mind was now racing. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, and selfish. I knew that I had just put Bree in a terrible position. This could cost her internship, or even future jobs if it got out. Well, technically it wasn’t her fault; I was the one who kissed her. I was the one to blame. Guilty for everything.

I wanted so much to drag something sharp across my skin. If this were me last year, I would probably do just that. But I knew, deep down, that I couldn’t just throw away all of my progress because I messed something up with some girl. Although, Bree was more than some girl.

I head shot up when I heard a knock on the door, and my body shook from nervousness. Maybe whoever was behind that door would realize that I wasn’t in my room if I stayed quiet enough…

“Vic, I know you’re in here,” she said from the other side. I sighed. “Alright, I’m coming in,” she announced, and I sighed again. There were no locks on the doors here; I guess Bree was just trying to be polite by knocking before simply barging in.

I was afraid to look up at her, my heart beating fast.

“Hey,” she said softly, and I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her, seeing that her face was difficult to read.

“I-I’m sorry,” I stammered pathetically whilst shaking my head.

“Please don’t be sorry for feeling, Vic,” she said quietly, her voice quivering. Great, I was making her cry, now.

“What I’m feeling is wrong,” I said so quietly, I barely heard the words myself. I stood up abruptly.

“Where are you going?” she asked as I simply walked away.

“I can’t do this,” I shook my head. I didn’t want to ruin things for Bree, but I couldn’t deny my feelings for her. They were so wrong, but so right. But they were also so unreciprocated.

“Hey, wait,” she said softly, but I didn’t turn around. I needed space. I knew this was unfair for her, but my mind was running so fast I could hardly keep up.

Before she could keep up with me, I shut myself into the men’s bathroom. Pathetic? Maybe a little. Alone? For now.

I sunk down on the ground like before, sighing into my hands and resting them on my tucked in knees. The truth was, I had to get out of my room before I slammed my own head into the edge of the desk. I was afraid that I would find a way to hurt myself in there; I was safer in here.

There was a light knock on the door. “Vic, please come out,” she said in a low mumble. I closed my eyes, bringing my hands up to my head and gripping my hair.

“Vic, I can’t cause a scene. But I need to talk to you,” she said lowly, desperation more evident in her voice. My heart thumped in my chest even more—I felt so anxious for her. I didn’t want to get her in trouble, but I also couldn’t bring myself to face her right now.

“Vic, I can’t come in there, but I need to know that you are okay,” she said, her tone harsher than before, as if she was gritting her teeth.

“I-I’m fine,” I said. “I need to think by myself,” I said honestly.

“Vic, I respect that. But I also can’t leave you in there like this,” she said, her voice shaking and full of worry.

“I can’t right now,” I said quietly. Guilt immediately slammed into me—hard. Bree’s future was on the line, and I was sitting here, fucking it up.

I jerked my head backwards, the cement wall making a pressurized contact with my skull. I hissed in pain, but I deserved it.

“Vic! Goddamnit! Don’t do anything!” she whisper-yelled.

It was an endless cycle that I couldn’t break out of. It didn’t matter what I did—everything was tainted, now. This was not fixable. Nothing about me was fixable.

I rammed my head back into the wall, again, and then I looked up dizzily when I felt a cold hand on my cheek.

“You can’t be in here,” I slurred, dangling my hand loosely over my knees in a relaxed and distant manner.

“It doesn’t matter,” she sighed. “Please, Vic. Please get up,” she said. At her words I felt her hand gentle caress the back of my now sore head. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” she whispered.

“I’m so sorry,” I cried, hating myself for my reaction. Why couldn’t I just be a man?

“Stop,” she said, her voice rather fierce. She put her hands on either side of my face, kneeling down to my level. “Stop,” she repeated again softly.

I conceded to her words, pulling her into me and burying my face into her shoulder. This was all just too embarrassing for me.

“Um, Vic? Can we please get out of the bathroom?” she asked with a light chuckle. I nodded, pulling away and standing up. I swayed a little as I stood up, feeling a little light headed.

“I’ll go out first and make sure nobody is coming,” I suggested, and she nodded. I did what I said I would do, exiting the bathroom casually. I loitered around the door for a few minutes as fellow patients and nurses passed by. What I was really afraid of was Dr. Crowly passing, but she was luckily nowhere to be seen. When the hallway was momentarily cleared, I knocked on the door, “You’re good,” I whispered. She slipped out of the bathroom and together we walked back to my room.

“I’m sorry for running off,” I said lowly, bowing my head in shame. I had run away from her twice—why was I such a coward?

“You don’t have to be scared of your feelings, Vic,” she said quietly.

“I am, though, Bree. You don't understand,” I said.

She frowned, tucking some of her fallen hair behind her right ear and knitting her eyebrows. “Maybe I do understand,” she said.

“How?” I asked strongly. “I am a weak person, locked away in a damn mental hospital because I see my fucking dead brother, but the combination of effective meds and you are the reason why I start to feel okay. I’m a terrible person, Bree! I was so sad and lonely and even fucking crazy, but then the crazy went away with the new medicine, and the sad and lonely went away because of you! And I know for a fact that it isn’t the medicine making me feel this way, because those two days you weren’t here I felt empty, sad, and lonely again,” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I had literally just told Bree exactly how I felt—as if the kiss wasn’t enough.

“That doesn’t make you a terrible person. And you aren’t weak, Vic; stop calling yourself that. And I don’t want you to feel this way,” she said.

My heart shattered, and my face contorted in pain. I knew it.

She must have noticed, because she spoke again: “No, Vic. What I meant is that I don’t want you to feel ashamed, or scared, over how you feel for me. Because as much as you think that they are wrong, they aren’t. It doesn’t matter that I am a therapist in training, and it certainly doesn’t matter that you need a little extra help to be happy. You know why?” I shook my head. “Because we are both human. We are human beings. That’s all that matters in the end, right?”

I nodded. “You are a boy, and I am a girl. It doesn’t matter that the roof above us belongs to a mental institution. The labels don’t matter. You are a fantastic person, Vic, whether you believe it or not. Trust me; I am good at reading people. It’s my job. And I see nothing but good in you. You are broken, but that doesn't make you a bad person, nor does that make you… unlovable. Fuck Dr. Crowly, fuck the world, and fuck all of their standards. None of that matters!” she said, raising her hands up in exasperation. “I’m sick of society setting “rules” for how we should act or feel. If you want to dye your hair green, dye your hair fucking green. If you want to go cover yourself in tattoos, go for it! If you want to kiss your therapist, kiss your goddamn therapist!” she said, and then she sunk back in the chair she was sitting in, looking finished and rather proud at her rant. I smiled softly.

“Bree,” I said quietly.

“Yes, Vic?” she asked, breathing a little harder than normal out of vexation.

“I…” I smiled shyly. “I think I want to kiss my goddamn therapist,” I said lowly.

Bree smiled softly, leaning forward. “Then kiss your goddamn therapist,” she said equally as low, and I took that as my invitation to cup her face and bring her closer to me. This time, though, I was more confident that she kissed back—that this was right. Bree pulled away for a moment: “If you felt this way for something that wasn't human, like Dr. Crowly, then we would have a problem,” she joked, and I laughed as I kissed her firmly on the lips once more.

Notes

Short, but sweet. :)
Idk, I really enjoy this for obvious reasons, and I especially love Bree's little rant in there.

---

**whispers** check out my new story Starry Eyes because I'm crazy and awkward

don't mind me