She's going to die, sooner or later, I thought. My mom was going to die and there was nothing I could do about it. Just thinking about it and realizing how painfully unfair it really was, made me want to bury myself under a thousand pillows and blankets and cry myself to sleep and never wake up. Knowing that there was absolutely nothing I could do to save her was just awful and heartbreaking. It wasn't fair but then again, nothing ever really was.

My mother had cancer, lung cancer to be more specific, caused by smoking cigarettes. Of course, since it was caused by smoking, it was her own fault that she had it. It had been left untreated for too long because nobody had noticed it early enough, and it had spread to other parts of her body, too. She'd had trouble with breathing, coughing up blood was something she did every once in a while, and she had lost so much weight that she had grown to be a weak, pathetic human being.

But she was my mother and knowing that I was going to lose her, very possibly in the near future, wasn't easy and I could barely keep it off my mind. My younger brother, Finn, had it even worse, though. He had nightmares about the approaching death of our mother and had to see a therapist because of it. The whole dying thing had pretty much taken over his life and I was afraid that once the actual passing happened, he would break down. Hard.

Our mother was such a big deal for us because we had grown up without a proper father. I mean, surely, my mother had had a bunch of boyfriends but they had all disappeared soon after finding out that she had cancer. Nobody wanted to date a dying person. Our father, our actual father, lived all the way back in Newcastle, in North East England. He had never been a part of our lives and I had only seen him a couple of times. He wasn't a big deal in our lives...

”Lucy? Lucy!” The sound of my brother shouting from the other side of the door pulled my out of my thoughts. He kept banging his fist against the wooden door until I got up and opened it.

”He's here,” Finn said as soon as he saw my face. He was out of breath, as if he had run all the way up the stairs to come and inform me that somebody was there. Who was?

”What?” I asked and furrowed my eyebrows.

”Your boyfriend. Vic,” he said and narrowed his eyes. I did the same and for a moment we just looked at each other like he was trying to read my mind and I was doing the same to him.

”You two aren't together anymore, are you?” he asked suddenly and his eyes flew wide open in shock and horror. I started shaking my head.

”Then what is he doing here?” Finn asked and took a step back.

”He, uh... I don't know,” I admitted. I hadn't invited him over and I had no idea what he actually was doing there.

”Did you invite him in?” I asked Finn who nodded.

”He's in the kitchen, talking to mom,” he said. I swallowed hard and nodded.

I started making my way down the stairs and heard the sound of coughing coming from the kitchen. I grimaced at the thought of my mother coughing her lungs out. I walked in to see my boyfriend – ex-boyfriend – sitting in the kitchen with my mother. Mom had a tired smile on her face and she was holding on to Vic's hand.

Vic noticed me standing in the doorway and looked up at me with a big smile. His smile lit up the whole room and I couldn't help but grin a little, too.

”Good morning, honey,” mom said and I turned to look at her. She looked bad but then again, she always did. With her and her cancer, there was no getting better. There was only getting worse.

”Morning, mom. Vic,” I said and nodded my head at him.

”Can we go up to your room, Lucy?” Vic asked and stood up. He let go of my mom's hand after squeezing it gently. I nodded and followed him up the stairs back into my room.

I locked the door behind me and turned to look at him.

He looked as good as always and I couldn't help but admire his handsome figure for a moment.

Then I cleared my throat and opened my mouth.

”What are you doing here, Vic?”

”Your mom looks better,” he commented, ignoring my question completely, ”I mean, not better but... She looks less dying.”

”Did you come all the way here to talk about my mom?” I mumbled. He flashed a smile and shook his head no. Then he took two steps closer to me and placed his hands on my waist before pulling me closer by my hip.

”I came to check on you. To see how you're holding up,” he said quietly and got really serious after wiping his smile off his face. He leaned his head closer as if he was about to kiss me, but he didn't. He only looked at me.

”I'm okay,” I nodded, ”I always am.”

”See, that's the thing with you, Lucy. You never actually are okay, you just don't want to let me know,” he said, ”I know you trust me but I wish you would open up a little.”

”Did you have a chat with Finn?” Now it was my turn to ignore his say.

”Nah,” he shook his head, ”He still thinks that we're together, though, doesn't he?”

”Well, not anymore, really,” I shrugged, ”I just told him. I won't blame him for thinking that, though, after all we do still act like a couple. I mean, you come here every now and then to see me and... Yeah.”

”It's complicated,” he agreed with a nod.

And it was, complicated, indeed. We weren't dating but we hadn't really broken up, either. We had an on-off relationship because of many reasons. The biggest and most important reason was that he was in a band and they were touring pretty much all year which meant that he was never really home. Also, when he was out there somewhere, he really liked to party with his friends and he didn't want to be tied down to a girlfriend back home. He wanted to be young, wild and free while he still could. Dating and all that serious stuff could surely wait for later.

But even after all that, he was my dearest friend and that would never change. He had always been there for me and even after the split up, he hadn't left my side. He knew how much I needed him, even if I didn't always admit it, and he was my rock, my support system in my little world full of bad things. He was the light shining in my darkness.

Since Vic had come all the way to our place, we decided to get comfortable and watch a movie. He let me choose the movie, like he always did, and I chose The Notebook, just because I knew he couldn't stand it.

”Why do we have to always watch this shit?” he muttered as I sat down on the bed next to him. He was really comfortable, laying on his back across the bed with a few pillows supporting his head.

”Because I know you hate it,” I murmured and blew a kiss at him. He rolled his eyes but before I could move an inch, he had wrapped his arms around me and was pulling me down next to him.

”Are you leaving soon again?” I asked quietly and looked up at his face. His eyes were glued to the television screen.

”Yeah. In a couple of days,” he mumbled.

”How long will you be gone?”

”Uh... A couple of weeks. We tour around the UK,” he told me, ”Now, shush, the movie starts.”

”Ooh, I think you do like this after all,” I whispered with a grin. He slapped his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet and I couldn't help but let out a muffled laugh. As I didn't stop laughing, he rolled on top of me and ended up straddling my waist while he held my hands tightly pinned against the bed.

”Pause the movie at least,” I said with a foolish grin.

”I didn't come here to watch the movie. I came here to watch you,” he murmured with a wink and my heart skipped a few beats at his actions.

It was unfair that he could control my body like that, with what he did. Winking at me made my heart skip a beat, straddling my waist like that made my knees go weak and feeling the weight of his body on mine made me like melting ice cream. And as I looked at him looking at me, I couldn't help but feel thankful that it was him who I had fallen in love with and nobody else. He was a good man and he had a golden heart.

”Don't you think this is a little too couple-ish?” I whispered.

”It probably is, you're right,” he admitted and let go of my hands before climbing off my body. He sat down on the bed and began to watch the movie again. I wanted to do the same but couldn't take my eyes off him.

”I can feel your eyes burning a hole through my skull,” he murmured quietly with a laugh.

As I didn't stop staring at him, he turned around and leaned down and before I knew it, he was kissing me. His lips felt softer than ever as they rested tightly against my mouth and I grinned like a fool as I wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled away way too soon.

”Don't you think this is a little too couple-ish?” he whispered, kissed my lips one more time and then pulled away from me.

When Vic left later that night, my little bubble burst and I had to face the reality again: my dying mother and my worrying brother. I realized that I needed Vic to balance my life and if he ever left, there would be nothing left but darkness.