"I don't really wanna know what's good for me. God's dead, I said baby that's alright with me." I sang along to Lana Del Rey as my plane touched down in Melbourne."We've got to get right to the studios." My day-to-day manager insisted. "They want to start filming immediately."
"Sure, sure." I agreed absentmindedly. "Can we get food though? I haven't eaten in fifteen hours."
He frowned at me. "I thought we had your eating plan all mapped out."
"I wasn't hungry. I don't get hungry every three hours. I'm fine." I sighed. "If I was starving again, would I ask you to get something to eat?"
"I guess not." Jeremy nodded. "We'll pick up sushi."
"Sounds great." I smiled, ready to get off this god damn plane.
**
"Hi, Mikey." I picked up the phone when we were in the car on the way to the studio.
"Charley bear. You're in Australia?" He asked.
"Landed an hour ago. What city are you in today?"
"Scranton."
"I miss you a lot. It's been almost a month."
"Three more weeks. I can't wait."
I smiled wryly. He had no idea tat he wouldn't have to. "I'm tired. We're going to shoot this damn documentary but I just want to take a nap."
He laughed. "I can't wait to watch it. It's going to be sad, isn't it? I'll probably cry."
"You're perfect. Jesus, I miss you." I sighed. "We're at the studio. I've got to go. I love you!"
"I love you too. Three more weeks, okay? I'll be counting down the days. I love you."
I hung up. "Alright, let's do this."
***
"Okay, Charley. What we are trying to do with this shoot is shed some light on how horrifying Anorexia Nervosa really is. That's where you come in." The producer said. "We want this to be raw. No script, Charley. Just tell it like it is."
I nodded as well as I could from hair & makeup. "Of course."
"This documentary is going to be one of a kind. We're going to Dave lives, Charley. You realize that, don't you? This thing is going to release and all the people watching it who might be struggling with an eating disorder or on the verge of developing one are going to flip shit. And anyone who's ever criticized eating disorders is really going to rethink their words." He said.
I laughed nervously. "That's a lot to think about."
"We start in five." He instructed.
Four minutes later, I made my way into the production room where we were filming. They had me positioned and checked cameras and we were ready to start.
"Charley, tell us what anorexia means to you."
I swallowed carefully. "Anorexia is not beautiful. Anorexia is not pretty. Anorexia is not glamorous. There is nothing beautiful about osteoporosis when you're a teenager, or growing little fur all over your body because you don't have enough fat to keep you warm. There is nothing pretty about decaying teeth from throwing up so frequently. There is nothing glamourous about not being able to have children, or risking the possibility of passing your disorder along to your children. There is nothing romantic about canceling plans on Friday night because you know if you go out, you'll have to eat, and there is nothing beautiful about risking your life every day."
"Can you talk about your experiences with your eating disorder?"
"I started starving myself when I was fourteen. Fourteen. When a fourteen year old girl thinks she's too fat, there's something wrong. I starved for years. In high school, I was a twig. I went shopping for a prom dress and the smallest size was too big for me. A lot of people have this misconception that supermodels will develop these disorders because of the pressure, but I already had mine when I started modeling. For ten years, I starved and puked and hurt myself and starved some more until finally my cousin had an intervention. He's been my rock throughout all of this. I love him more than anything." I said, fighting to keep my voice even.
"And so I went to a clinic in California, near my home. I got help. When I entered treatment, I had a BMI of 14.6. Normal is 18.5 at the very minimum. I thought I was doing better, and I was, but I did relapse a bit."
We wrapped up shooting for that day and my team went out to dinner.
"You were great today, Charley." My hair stylist said.
"Thanks." I beamed.
"I actually wanted to cry when you were talking about Austin." Jeremy interjected.
"Why is that, darling?" I raised my eyebrows.
"Well, no offense but he's been a huge dick lately." He said.
"I agree, but I do love him. I miss Mike though." I sighed.
"Soon. We've got two more days of filming and then-"
"Soon." I agreed with a small smile.